How to handle a rude brother in law?

[Basil the Great]

Part of the problem could be a difference in cultures?

 

[harko]

Most people who ac t that way usually have some demons they are dealing with! Is he the type of person you could talk to and just ask is he OK? Telling him the reasons you are asking why. I would ask him why he is talking to you the way he is! Sometimes we need to be bold! Pray for him is a good start

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I also think that your threatening physical confrontation, which can only be taken as meaning violence towards him, is wrong. You need to show love and patience to him. Your sister chose to marry him and stay with him. If you love your sister you need to consider her views. Does she consider him abusive towards her?

I haven't threatened him yet but I do think he needs to know there are consequences for talking the way he does. I don't think my sister would consider him calling her names every day and talking down to her abusive. Anyone outside of the relationship can see it is though. But women who are in abusive relationships probably don't consider them to be abusive until they get fed up. He has money and they live nicely so it seems she puts up with it. The thing is while when they first met she wasn't working she has a nice job with the Va making 70k+ and doesn't need him for financial reasons anymore. Yet apparently she does love him even though he says the worst things to her.

 

[Soyeong]

I have a brother in law who is in his early 30's and hes a pharmacist and he behaves like a child. He keeps calling me names like idiot and stupid and calls my sister who is his wife worse names. And treats her really bad and is just an overall miserable person. It would be easy for me to take physical action here and give him reasons to think twice before he calls one of us an idiot or stupid again but my sister would be upset if I did that. I want to resolve this in a nonphysical way. Whats the best course of action here and should I let him know things may become physical if he doesn't stop?

Romans 12:9-21 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11 Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit,[g] serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13 Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.[h] Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

 

[rockytopva]

So if someone is calling you stupid and idiot all the time, how would you handle this specifically? Either I could ignore him which I've been doing or confront him about it. If I confront him then its just going to lead to an argument and we will just go back and forth and get no where. I've tried confronting him before and it doesn't change him. Nothing works.

If you were to give your lifetime to charity; the family would eventually remember and appreciate.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Most people who a t that way usually have some demons they are dealing with! Is he the type of person you could talk to and just ask is he OK? Telling him the reasons you are asking why. I would ask him why he is talking to you the way he is! Sometimes we need to be bold! Pray for him is a good start

Should I just out of no where talk to him about this? Or wait till he does it again then confront him about it, which i'm sure will happen sometime today when we all go out

 

[harko]

I get the feeling the man is really unhappy! No excuse though!

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Part of the problem could be a difference in cultures?

He's been here 13 years so I think he should be well adjusted by now.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I get the feeling the man is really unhappy! No excuse though!

My sister admits hes miserable and I guess has sympathy for him but a bad childhood and depression is no excuse. He isn't on any more drugs for depression so hes supposed to be better and I don't think its an excuse anymore as you say.

 

[harko]

Should I just out of no where talk to him about this? Or wait till he does it again then confront him about it, which i'm sure will happen sometime today when we all go out

No time like the present! Nip it in the bud, but in a loving mature way. Just a simple what's wrong, or are you OK just to see where his head is

 

[rturner76]

I agree with not physically dealing with him. Believe me, living in his own skin is more punishment than you could ever dole out to him. He obviously hates himself and has given up on the notion that anybody could possibly care about him. He seems to feel unconditional love from his family because you said he puts them up on a pedestal, So it makes perfect sense that he has depression and has suffered a nervous breakdown. He got pills before but he never actually learned how to cope with his depression. He really needs help or he could be on a path to harming himself and.or someone else. That is if his anger is really just so uncontrollable that he can't keep himself from bursting into a rage at family dinners.That's my armchair analysis.

To deal with him, I would try to put up a united front with your whole family. He is no longer invited to family get togethers. He can drop off your sister or she can drive herself but he's not welcome in the house until he learns how to speak respectfully to his wife and her family. If your family won;t go along with that, I think you must remove yourself from family events in protest with whomever will drop out with you. Either way just make it clear that you won;t be spoken to like that or listen to your sister being spoken to like that period.

 

[Dave G.]

I get the feeling the man is really unhappy! No excuse though!

And he probably acts out from his insecurity, topping anyone else ( in his own mind) before they top him. So he gets all blusterous. This behavior doesn't fix itself but knowing God, having Jesus would be a beginning. He doesn't have that, his throne is occupied by self or worse, the enemy. Then add alcohol, it's a recipe for disaster.

 

[harko]

No time like the present! Nip it in the bud, but in a loving mature way. Just a simple what's wrong, or are you OK just to see where his head is

If its mental illness then it may be out of your hands! Is there anyone he listens to/respects?

 

[harko]

If its mental illness then it may be out of your hands! Is there anyone he listens to/respects?

Maybe he needs a friend

 

[RaymondG]

Desperate times call for desperate measures.... next time he calls you a name do this....

Say. "I know you are but what am I?"

 

[brinny]

Desperate times call for desperate measures.... next time he calls you a name do this....

Say. "I know you are but what am I?"

LOL!

 

[brinny]

Maybe he needs a friend

Are you volunteering?

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

I have a brother in law who is in his early 30's and hes a pharmacist and he behaves like a child. He keeps calling me names like idiot and stupid and calls my sister who is his wife worse names. And treats her really bad and is just an overall miserable person. It would be easy for me to take physical action here and give him reasons to think twice before he calls one of us an idiot or stupid again but my sister would be upset if I did that. I want to resolve this in a nonphysical way. Whats the best course of action here and should I let him know things may become physical if he doesn't stop?

I was in a similar situation for roughly seven years, except instead of brother in law, it was my sister in law (now ex her and my brother divorced, after my wife and I had moved out). I understand the temptation to take physical action, but I do not recommend it because it can and likely will lead to more problems, maybe even legal ones. While this may not work or be possible for you, what I did was basically ignore her. I remember going for a year without the two of us speaking maybe a paragraph of words to each other. It was truly the only option I had at the time. She was and is the definition of narcissist. Although she had gone to a Baptist Church for years, not only was she not a Christian, she was anti-Christian, very bitter against anything related to Christianity. She would almost daily in the expression of a shout take the Lord's name in vein or curse God. Her problems went way beyond that though. For the most part, she hated all of my family, especially my mom, and without good reason. However we all tried in our own ways to get along as best as we could, because we really did not have much choice, and the best way for me was to put her on ignore, not paying any attention to her or acknowledging her. It was not what I wanted to do, it is not the first approach or method, but when you feel you have exhausted all bridges and they continually get burned, sanity needs to be retained.

 

[Rescued One]

He has an overall poor attitude towards everyone and everything. It's not just us, but I'm tired of hearing the things he says to my sister and to me as well. They do live a state away and are just visiting for thanksgiving so I don't have to see him very often. So I could easily just let this go as I have since they met 9 years ago but I feel like I need to do something. My sister won't leave this guy even if I did do something which is the problem.

My sister's husband was horrible. I lived within walking distance and he would come in without knocking. I had to start locking my doors while my husband was at work. I later found out that he molested my two young teenage half-sisters. He broke his son's arm. He probably molested his own daughter. At my sister's viewing (she died of cancer at age 45), he had his arm around another woman! At one point I'd had more than enough and we moved several states away (a good choice). I wish my sister had left him.

 

[Rescued One]

There was one physical incident that he did to my sister in front of my mom, but my sister says nothing has happened since and this was 3.5 years ago.

ONE time is all it would take for me to go into a shelter or hiding!