How to handle a rude brother in law?

[brinny]

There was one physical incident that he did to my sister in front of my mom, but my sister says nothing has happened since and this was 3.5 years ago.

If he did this in front of his wife's mom, he has absolutely NO regard for his wife's mother or family, or any respect at all.

This is the recipe for disaster and is dangerous.

 

[Sabertooth]

He has an overall poor attitude towards everyone and everything. It's not just us,...

That means any long-term solution will be bigger than can be accomplished through a personal, physical confrontation.

We know that
"...Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:20

Go ahead and call him on his rudeness, but don't expect too much improvement from that alone.

 

[brinny]

He was nice to me when I spoke to him on the phone at first but the first day I met him he called me fat and was just overall rude. So he is just overall a nasty person. Him and my sister have been going out for 8-9 years. Married for about 5.

That's toxic, mon.

It's not rude. It's predatory abuse. He "finds" "victims" wherever he can get away with it. He most likely has been this toxic WAAAAY before he met your sister.

Do they have children?

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

If he did this in front of his wife's mom, he has absolutely NO regard for his wife's mother or family, or any respect at all.

This is the recipe for disaster and is dangerous.

Thats really the issue. He doesn't respect or value people. My sister just announced she is now pregnant so hes going to be around for a long time now. She always said she hopes she doesnt get pregnant because then its going to be hard to leave. And we all told her to get out while she could but for some reason some people don't listen now its too late.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Do they have children?

They just announced she is 7 weeks pregnant with their first child.

 

[brinny]

Its really hard for me to do anything about it because I know my sister would be mad at me if I did something to make him think twice before he says something rude.

This is about you and him. It's about not allowing anyone to abuse YOU. Allowing abuse to appease your sister is detrimental and toxic.

Encourage your sister to call a support line for some insight into why others (including you) will not allow this man to abuse them.

When it's "allowed" it's called "enabling".

 

[brinny]

Thats really the issue. He doesn't respect or value people. My sister just announced she is now pregnant so hes going to be around for a long time now. She always said she hopes she doesnt get pregnant because then its going to be hard to leave. And we all told her to get out while she could but for some reason some people don't listen now its too late.

God help this li'l one.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

This is about you and him. It's about not allowing anyone to abuse YOU. Allowing abuse to appease your sister is detrimental and toxic.

Encourage your sister to call a support line for some insight into why others (including you) will not allow this man to abuse them.

When it's "allowed" it's called "enabling".

So whats the best way to make him stop? I can't control others actions and I don't think just telling people like this to stop works. And I don't think even if I gave his face a new look for work it would accomplish much. So I'm not sure what to do but maybe just wait till he leaves in a few days then just let my sister deal with him. I mean she says this is who she loves and shes now pregnant so I can't stop her from being with him and I don't think hes going to stop through words.

 

[drjean]

No we cannot control others, make them behave. This does seem to indicate general abusive nature. I, personally would refuse to be around him.

You could, if you want to keep trying, ask him his professional opinion about "what a person might be missing in their diet or brain chemicals if they are generally rude, calls people names, is inconsiderate....someone who may not realize how abusive they are---is there a medication that would help them????"

 

[brinny]

So whats the best way to make him stop? I can't control others actions and I don't think just telling people like this to stop works. And I don't think even if I gave his face a new look for work it would accomplish much. So I'm not sure what to do but maybe just wait till he leaves in a few days then just let my sister deal with him. I mean she says this is who she loves and shes now pregnant so I can't stop her from being with him and I don't think hes going to stop through words.

Do a search on "enabling".

No one can tell you what to do. I wouldn't even approach it. Each of you have developed whatever you each have, to "cope" with the misery, and just "hope" that he's nicer and won't do what he does best, and that is to stomp all over grace (yours or anybody else's).

He thoroughly enjoys it. He's not feeling the pain or angst. You all are.

He's perfectly happy with the arrangement.

He doesn't care if you are not.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

My anger has subsided so I no longer feel like taking physical action here but the problem is I know its going to happen again. Probably today if we all go out together. So this is something that if I never do anything about it then I know its going to keep happening.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

So whats the best way to make him stop? I can't control others actions and I don't think just telling people like this to stop works. And I don't think even if I gave his face a new look for work it would accomplish much. So I'm not sure what to do but maybe just wait till he leaves in a few days then just let my sister deal with him. I mean she says this is who she loves and shes now pregnant so I can't stop her from being with him and I don't think hes going to stop through words.

I pray for you and your sister, that the Lord will intervene and sort out the situation,
May the Lord bless you richly and your sister in Jesus name

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

You could, if you want to keep trying, ask him his professional opinion about "what a person might be missing in their diet or brain chemicals if they are generally rude, calls people names, is inconsiderate....someone who may not realize how abusive they are---is there a medication that would help them????"

The thing is he knows better. He knows how to behave. When his family is around he treats them like gods. Then when hes around just us he treats us terribly. He used to be on antidepressants because he had a nervous breakdown during college and was having serious issues with depression. So I don't know how much this is related to that but this needs to stop.

 

[Sabertooth]

"what a person might be missing in their diet or brain chemicals if they are generally rude, calls people names, is inconsiderate...?"

One possible angle that I see is the addiction & withdrawal cycle.

 

[brinny]

My anger has subsided so I no longer feel like taking physical action here but the problem is I know its going to happen again. Probably today if we all go out together. So this is something that if I never do anything about it then I know its going to keep happening.

 

[eleos1954]

He is from india and my wife says hes an atheist and doesn't believe in anything which surely doesn't help.

Difficult situation for sure. Have you ever tried totally, and I mean totally and calmly ignoring what he says? Like he never said it, you never heard it. When people say things like that to me ... I just look at them ... and don't say anything ... now not glare at them. If they ask what are you looking at ... then I just say very meekly, sincerely ... I was just waiting to see if you had anything else to say. Take your negative emotions out of it. You have control over your emotions.

Easier said than done .... but I do it ... so far .... works almost every time. If it don't I just walk away, not in anger. Go for a walk, go for a drive, go shopping ... just go.

Sometimes silence can be "golden".

His words and actions is a "power thing", "control thing" to him. If you let him "get under your skin" ..... you give him the power and that's what he is after.

Pray for him that God will change his heart. How long? As long as it takes.

Never, Never, NEVER get physical ... if he should get physical call the cops.

God Bless

 

[rockytopva]

With family the best thing is to live a good example before them.

 

[Basil the Great]

The only abuse other trigger that the women I interviewed for 20+ years ever told me about in significant numbers, besides alcohol, was the birth of a child, especially the first child. For some reason, this caused some men to change for the worse. My guess is they became jealous.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

With family the best thing is to live a good example before them.

So if someone is calling you stupid and idiot all the time, how would you handle this specifically? Either I could ignore him which I've been doing or confront him about it. If I confront him then its just going to lead to an argument and we will just go back and forth and get no where. I've tried confronting him before and it doesn't change him. Nothing works.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

I think you have answered the question in your answers on this thread. You said he is from India and suffered a strict, what to the modern Western world would be abusive, upbringing. This is not unusual behaviour in parts of India and it is the accepted culture in large parts of the country. What you are seeing is probably not unacceptable to him but it is to you.

In order to address this I would suggest you sit and talk at some point. Not about him being abusive, but just ask him about the culture in India where he comes from. In order to address the situation the first thing you need to do is understand what is acceptable to him and many Indians. Many of them would be physically abusive as well and Im pretty sure they see women as second class citizens.

I think there is a good chance you will find that he has already adapted to your country fairly well and his behaviour is far less than what would be acceptable in India. Its not unusual for Indians to be very forthright in the way they speak and it can often be misconstrued in Western culture. What I have been told can often be meant as a statement of fact we can take as an insult. Try and look at how he has improved rather than what you dont like.

I also think that your threatening physical confrontation, which can only be taken as meaning violence towards him, is wrong. You need to show love and patience to him. Your sister chose to marry him and stay with him. If you love your sister you need to consider her views. Does she consider him abusive towards her?