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How to get over boyfriend's sexual past?

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by Kitty346, Jan 11, 2019.

  1. Angeleyes7715

    Angeleyes7715 Well-Known Member

    +855
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    Huh no I've had a ton of boyfriends and my current fiance is of 5 years so no definitely not new.
     
  2. Temirlan

    Temirlan Member

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    It's in the past. Besides, past experiences can have positive effects, for example, him comparing you to those 2 other girls and you being a clear winner in his mind - e.g. as one who's accepting him, loving him, upholding him as he is, truly unconditionally.

    One who lives by the past, has no future. We can't change the past, but we can change the way we think and act today. Do it, please. Your choice.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2019
  3. Angeleyes7715

    Angeleyes7715 Well-Known Member

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    I knew you were a male by your post lol. Women don't like being compared to other women even if he does see them as better. That's never a plus to a woman -___-.
     
  4. Temirlan

    Temirlan Member

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    I know. Still true. No sugarcoating. But you've missed my point entirely, it seems.
     
  5. DearHolySpirit

    DearHolySpirit Member

    257
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    Christian
    I have disagree with some of the posts here that seemed to be insensitive. As a woman in her 30's who is a virgin, who is dating a non-virgin man, I can tell you that it is extremely painful to have to deal with your boyfriend's past. It's like he sinned, but you are the one dealing with the consequence of his actions. It's like you feel robbed, that someone else took away something that should have belonged to you (his virginity) which he will never get back.

    Also, sex changes you. Not only can you not get your virginity back when you confess, but you also cannot get back your innocence. As a woman, what if my type is the innocent type? What if I choose not to date someone who has done a lot with women because he isn't my type? Before you accuse someone of being unforgiving, please look at the real issue. The issue, a lot of times, is about what kind of a man you're after. So I don't blame women who want a pure man - it's a matter of preference, not a matter of forgiveness.

    When my boyfriend fully confessed his past to me, I cried for days, and I could not even talk to him because I was afraid I would say something I would regret. I cried at work, when I was out, and at home. I don't know how else to convince you that my pain was very real. I had always known that he had already lost his virginity, but I found out that after he became a Christian, he did it again, so it was like being born again didn't make a difference. For me, I was more upset that he lost his "born again virginity" because he knew it was wrong but decided to do it anyway. I am staying with him because he still has that little bit of innocence left which I value so much in a man, and also I don't know how I can find a virgin man to date. (It's not exactly a first date question.) But I guarantee you that if it is socially acceptable to ask someone if he is a virgin, I would make it a criteria. Yes, everyone sins, and yes, God forgives, but if everyone thinks that they can just sin and then confess later and not go through the consequence, you're wrong. A virgin has the right to reject you for not being her type, and because she doesn't want to deal with the pain from your past. (I wish I don't have to deal with it.)

    Please be sensitive to the OP, and don't underestimate the pain that your significant other has to go through as a result of your actions.
     
  6. Temirlan

    Temirlan Member

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    It's crazy to demand somebody be free of sin. How about lying? How about doubts about God? How about not helping those in need? How about thinking lustful thoughts about a woman when looking at her? I'm pretty sure your BF is guilty of the latter daily, weather he admits this to you or not.

    Big, big hypocrisy.

    With attitude like that you'll eat his brains out over the years making him suffer through hell on earth, or push him to run away from you.

    Didn't Jesus teach forgiveness? You didn't get the memo?
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2019
  7. DearHolySpirit

    DearHolySpirit Member

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    Your post shows your insensitivity once again. You didn't read my post, did you? If the guy is not even my type, it's not even a forgiveness issue.
     
  8. Temirlan

    Temirlan Member

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    And seems you didn't read mine... "Pure" man? Are you kidding me? Free of all sin? You mean Jesus Christ? They say nuns marry Jesus. One option, I guess.
     
  9. DearHolySpirit

    DearHolySpirit Member

    257
    +89
    Christian
    Temirlan, have you ever been in our shoes in this situation (i.e., being the person who waited until marriage)? Because you seem to be on the other side.

    There was a post here on CF from a woman who did not want to date a man because this man used to have gambling issues, and unfortunately, is in a lot of debt right now, and will continue to be in debt for the next few years. While he has confessed his sins, the consequence remains - he is in a lot of debt. Just because he has confessed, doesn't mean he would get his money back (the same way you can't get your innocence back). It was important to the woman to have a man who has a stable income, to be able to afford to raise kids in the next few years. So she decided not to date him.

    Do you think this woman has unforgiveness in her heart, or is it simply an issue of this man does not meet her criteria (because she wants a man who can afford to have kids)?
     
  10. Temirlan

    Temirlan Member

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    In my native language there's a saying, "a girl who's too picky in choosing a husband, will marry a bold-headed man". Nothing wrong with men without hair, it's figurative speech. Some nasty issues come out later, especially men who pretend to be "squeeky clean".
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2019
  11. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +4,851
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Her unwillingness to date him in light of the consequences of his ongoing problem is prudence. Not unforgiveness. She’s honest about what she can handle.

    But when an individual has chosen to remain in a relationship with someone whose previous behaviors they cannot accept or have trouble forgiving that’s something else.

    The issue is choice and your ability to deal with the consequences of your decisions. If you require a partner who hasn’t been intimate with another and it gives your spirit peace to have that. Go for it.

    But you can’t malign the person who falls short of your desire if you’ve chosen to stay. You’ve set aside your conviction in deference to something else. And that’s the part which troubles most.

    There are things I cannot live with. I don’t entertain them. It saves a lot of grief and hurt on both sides. :)
     
  12. DearHolySpirit

    DearHolySpirit Member

    257
    +89
    Christian
    Great advice from LaBella. Thank you. A close family of mine said the same and I do take advice very seriously. Your comment came at a perfect time because I started thinking about this issue again today (and trying not to grieve).

    I've come to the conclusion that my issue is rather the lack of sympathy some have. I cried for days because obviously my boyfriend's past has not been easy for me to deal with. (Just a refresher, I wasn't faulting him for losing his virginity long before he became a Christian. I was upset that he also slept with someone else AFTER he became a Christian. It was like he became a "born again virgin", only to lose his "second virginity" again.)

    When I expressed how hurt I was, I got a lot of sarcastic responses. Some said that the problem lied with me because that was in the past and that I had "unforgiveness issue". Nobody addressed how hurt I was.

    I swear, it would just make it easier for me to get past this if I could get a BIT more sympathy from fellow Christians. (I'm talking about in general, not you, LaBella. Your post was spot on.)

    If anyone has any more comments, I would appreciate private messages. This isn't my thread and the OP's issue is different from mine, so I don't want to get off topic anymore. Thank you.
     
  13. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❤️ Supporter

    +4,851
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    I’m sorry to hear you’ve heard unkind remarks. But I’m glad you were comforted by my words. What’s most important for this issue or any stumbling block you have in your heart is to recognize your feelings.

    Instead of casting judgment, ask yourself why. Why does this issue cause you pain? You need to be brutally honest with yourself. Do this alone and write it out if that helps. You can’t move forward or change until you understand the root.

    It may have nothing to do with the other person. It could be a personal conviction, fear, or painful reminder of something you’ve experienced in the past. Once you’ve poured out your heart take a deep breath. Remind yourself aloud that you loved. Even though the issue still remains affirm that you are loving too.

    You needn’t make yourself the bad guy. Others will do that for you. Then give the matter to God and ask Him to help you deal with the issue in a godly way. Ask for forgiveness for yourself, the other person, and everyone who commented. Tell the Lord you want love to lead the way. Not your love. But His. Not only for yourself but everyone involved.

    We are being perfected. We’re not there yet. The important thing for everyone to remember as you contemplate the future with this person is the willingness to sacrifice and suffer on their behalf. If that’s absent, it will be hard to remain at their side when challenges arise.

    Ladies, look for three things within yourselves regarding your companion: Respect, Honor, and Admiration. If you have all three within and you’re walking with the Lord; you can overcome anything. Even this.

    God bless. :)
     
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