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How to get over boyfriend's sexual past?

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by Kitty346, Jan 11, 2019 at 2:38 AM.

  1. Kitty346

    Kitty346 New Member

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    My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and will be getting married next summer. He is my first relationship, as I have always been extremely serious about relationships and vowed from a very young age that I would only have one boyfriend who would then become my husband. I did not want to give away any piece of my heart to anyone but my husband. I wanted to save all of myself for him.

    Unfortunately, my boyfriend did not hold these same views. He was extremely flirtatious, all the way up until he truly dedicated his life to God in college. A year after, he met me and a year later, we started our relationship. He was completely open to me about all of his past, which included a couple "girlfriends" during his younger teenage years (they weren't serious or involved any real feelings). He just wanted attention from girls. I can't seem to get over this, especially the fact that he kissed, fingered, touched/sucked their breasts, etc. He didn't have sex, but they did give him hand-jobs. He also used to be addicted to pornography, and now is occasionally tempted. He always repents right after and tells me whenever he is tempted. But I don't understand why he continues to do this when he knows how much it hurts me. He says he doesn't want to do it, and that the devil takes over his mind.

    We've talked about all of this so many times but I still end up thinking about his past and it makes me sick. I don't know what to do to get over my retroactive jealousy. I am also extremely jealous of whenever he interacts with other girls, including girls he used to "like" even though he says he doesn't anymore, as well as flirtatious girls who seem to like him or want attention. He is overly friendly so he talks to everyone, hugs everyone, etc. I know this is a problem with me, not him. He regrets all of his past mistakes, and has confessed his past to God, so I know God has forgiven him and totally cleansed him from all of his past. So why can't I?
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019 at 1:37 PM
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  2. Jonaitis

    Jonaitis Member

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    Kitty346,

    The feeling and experience you are going through is actually normal and appropriate. I think to say that there is something wrong with you by being bothered about your boyfriend's graphic past is turning things upside down. What he did, he should have known that it would affect any serious and future relationship he would ever have with another woman. This is a perfect example for why modern "dating" and pornography is a growing problem in our culture, it removes the idea of boundaries and gives more "freedoms" that should be strictly enjoyed within marital relations. The modern concept of dating is almost defined in the same terms as marriage to a lot of people, I mean practically what is the difference? People can live with each other, have sex with each other, kiss each other, etc. What is there left to make marriage unique and special? The world just view marriage as a civil contract and not a sacred covenant before God.

    Now, I am concerned about your boyfriend. Is he seeking help with his pornography addiction? Does he speak to his pastor or elder at church? If he is being complacent about getting help, you should delay any pursuit of marriage with him. I mean, you guys can still be in a relationship, but marriage should not be something taken so lightly, especially with your concerns. It sounds to me he still has to grow up, especially being in any kind of relationship with a woman like you. If you're concerned about something he does that triggers this anxiety of yours, like talking to past exes, talk to him about it. If he doesn't try to make you feel comfortable, something is wrong.

    And I know how hard it can be to start walking back and examining if this relationship is right after building it up so long, but you should feel confident and ready that you can be with this person. You must feel like you can trust him to be the leader in the home. You have to examine if this relationship will work out in the end, that it will hold strong, and that he will be able to fulfill that responsibility that a husband and father should have. Don't follow your feelings, follow what is right and let the feeling follow behind that.

    I'll be praying for you both, okay?
     
  3. Jonaitis

    Jonaitis Member

    132
    +134
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    I also want to recommend a book for you both to read. It is called "Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood" by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. The book is aimed at recovering in our generation the biblical worldview of what it means to be a man or woman in this world, how a martial-seeking relationship should work, and many more things. Even though it is a book in the real sense, it is really a compilation of articles about various subjects on gender and sexuality in all areas of life. It is a great resource to help you guys prepare for a serious commitment. It is actually beneficial for anyone who wants to know what it means to be what we were made to be or to understand ourselves.

    I don't know if you have heard of James White, the apologist, but his daughter who is about your age made a program podcast with a clever name called "Sheologians" (She-theologians get it?). She and her friend, and sometimes guests, talk about real issues that Christian women will or may face, and to encourage young Christian women to know how to be what they are called to be. You can even listen to old recordings that they have done, but they make a podcast every week.
     
  4. vinsight4u

    vinsight4u Contributor

    +2,246
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    What if your boyfriend looked at you as seeing your past? You should see him as to his future. your future
    The present situation though is - pornography. That shows he is not ready to be married, due to a continuing problem that will run right into your marriage time. I'm not sure just what he is doing that puts him as involved with that. It is difficult as to where the line is drawn from a sexy photo of a person in an ad or such, and going to a site filled with men and women doing things that they should not be displaying on the net, or in a magazine, or movie, or... He should try to avoid those types of scenes, and turn away if one happens to show on his screen or on tv...
     
  5. jason_delisle

    jason_delisle Well-Known Member

    +1,350
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I will keep this short and brief because I don't know any gentle way of saying this. You are not ready to marry this guy more so than he is not ready to marry you. Think about that for a moment. Yes, he has a past that isn't perfect and he cannot change that. But if you truly love someone, you will not hold their past over them. Especially the things they did before they were saved. Although there is no excuse for pornography, what are your thoughts about the fact that he trusts you enough to share his failures with you to seek your forgiveness? Most men would probably do it behind your back and never tell you. The truth is, you have a trust and jealousy problem that will only get worse after you are married unless you both seek pre-marriage counseling.

    Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

    Once again, I understand that this is probably not the answer that you are looking for or wanting. But it is the truth and I say it out of love for a sister in Christ. But please, seek pre-marriage counseling with your pastor and seek to move past your jealousy and insecurity. Because your marriage will be more blessed because of it. Blessings to you both and congratulations.
     
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  6. Tomm

    Tomm Christian Supporter

    +725
    Brazil
    Catholic
    Private
    I know it's not good to be flirtatious, he's to blame for it, but the society is also to blame for that.

    Look at the way girls dress themselves nowadays --- it's terrible, they thought they can fish a good husband by dressing like prostitutes. That's never going to benefit themselves in the long run -- for other girls will also follow suit and dress like prostitutes, then will in turn lure their husbands.

    That's why there are so many divorce. For their own benefit, girls should stop dressing immodestly.
     
  7. vinsight4u

    vinsight4u Contributor

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    It is almost as if you see yourself as like the pharisee that mocked other people.
    I'm not like that - publican.

    i pay tithes....I .... I.... why I'm not even like....that publican

    All the publican asked was for God to be merciful to him...a sinner.

    It is good that you are keeping yourself physically pure before marriage. Be careful to also keep your mind and heart pure.

    I don't even understand why your boyfriend is telling you every time he is tempted. Do you tell him every time you have a wrong type of thought? It is like your guy is trying to live up to your not having been with anyone yet pedestal you seem to be placed on for some time, because you will quickly judge him. You both need to relax with each other, not staring against your guy for his past/forgiven sins. Dwell on the great things about each other that make you want to commit to one another in the future. Yes, he needs to stop looking purposely at any porn, and you need to trust him more. If you can't, then it is not the right time to get married in a few months.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019 at 4:47 AM
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  8. jason_delisle

    jason_delisle Well-Known Member

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    Agreed, God has forgiven him. So should she.
     
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  9. SkyWriting

    SkyWriting The Librarian Supporter

    +4,540
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    US-Others
    Likely they did have sex and the juices from those girls are mingled with his. As a man I can tell you that if he went that far, he went all the way. So you will always have those juices to deal with. If not perhaps his baby out there somewhere, you might discover. In my fathers last months of life, he began to search for a child he explained was out there somewhere we had never heard about.

    Anyway, do not marry into any relationship you have regrets about already.
     
  10. jason_delisle

    jason_delisle Well-Known Member

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    That sounds gross. Regardless, even if he did go "All the way", that was in his past. @Kitty346, you have been with this guy for a year now. During this period of time, have you participated an any of these activities with him yourself that you are judging him for now? I am not expecting you to answer this question. I was young once. Some probably would say that I still am. The point is I know what young people do when they are dating and their parents are not around. So there are two options:

    1. During the year that you have been dating this young lad, which really is not that long in my opinion, he was completely respectful to your boundaries and purity. There was never a time when he caused you to compromise your purity. If this is the case, what reason do you have not to trust him. He seems to be doing fine so your being judgmental and insecure is unwarranted and unfair to him.

    2. During the year that you have been dating, you were involved in the same or similar activities that you are judging him for now. Which makes you a hypocrite. Judge not lest ye be judged. He who is without sin may cast the first stone. You are just as guilty as he and his previous girlfriends are.

    So once again, those are really the only two options unless he tried to force himself on you. If that is the case, run away from him.
     
  11. Loyce KG

    Loyce KG "Put on Christ and make no room for the flesh"

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    You have to remember that we are IN the world (and we can't change that until Christ's return) but we are not OF the world. Blaming society for our inability to hold back is a vain endeavor. The world as we know it will get more promiscuous, women now walk half-naked in the name of feminism and emancipation, fashion trends promote flaunting of the body. If a Christian can't keep themselves in check, they are to blame(because God has warned us in scripture about these times and how to guard ourselves). Self-Blame is self-condemnation which I also don't advocate. Careful self-examination is to be done with scriptural guidance and an elder.

    P.s I don't advocate for nudity or indecent dressing at all.
     
  12. Tomm

    Tomm Christian Supporter

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    Fighting against immodesty in dress is not a vain endeavour, but a Christian duty. As Edmund Burk said
    "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing".
    You have the idea that the society is programmed to be immoral, which is not true. This trend started only since AD 1970s , not since 6000 BC.
     
  13. Dave G.

    Dave G. Well-Known Member

    +2,195
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    Christian
    Married
    If you're a born again believer it may be God is warning about this guy. Has he really changed his ways ? Think about it, has he really ? And has he really devoted himself to Christ if he is willing to dance with the devil over porn ? Maybe you should hold off on this wedding for a year and see where this all leads to. Obviously I'm saying this running on one side of the story and I don't know either one of you.

    If he has changed and walks with God then you need to be forgiving as you head into your marriage relationship . Right now you're seeing warning signs I think. If you marry him as is this will be a theme within your marriage, him playing with the devil, you not trusting or forgiving. Rough start.
     
  14. Loyce KG

    Loyce KG "Put on Christ and make no room for the flesh"

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    God forgave and forgot his past and condemns him no more. Neither should you.
    Just because you committed to being pure doesn't mean you are entirely innocent. Forgi
    i didn't state we shouldn't fight against the immorality. Heck yeah, let's point it out but blaming society for a Christian's stumbling or struggles is useless. We are responsible for our own actions but we can only do so much to change the wrong in our society today.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019 at 9:29 AM
  15. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,042
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    Only thing that comes to mind for me is, unless you actually see evidence of otherwise, he is a new person now, Old things have passed away, and all things have become new...supposedly.

    I'm not sure you can juggle that along with keeping your eyes open for problems, but if, at least up to this point, it appears there will be no more hanky panky, you may wan to try going all out and assuming he is all new, and that is not him that did those things at all, but someone else.

    As I understand it, when we are forgiven, God remembers our sins no more...it's as if they never happened, but that's God, so I do understand how tough that can be for us to do.

    My advice is certainly easier said than done, but maybe that will help on some level.
     
  16. WinterAngel

    WinterAngel Member

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    As someone who has waited and saved themselves for marriage successfully, I can tell you your struggle is completely normal. Those thoughts are very hard to overcome but not impossible. The best way to get over "your retroactive jealousy" and forgive my bluntness, unforgiveness, is pray. Pray and give it to the Almighty. Not only will the enemy use the opportunity to bring his past to the forefront of your mind, but he will also use this knowledge to create the doubts "Am I good enough for my husband? Do I please him?" once you are married. It's a core need we women have. To be found captivating and worth it. Good enough... This is why I highly recommend you press into G-d and pray. This knowledge and battle for you is a cross you must carry because it is a daily practice to chose to forgive him. It's hard as you've saved yourself and have waited for so long and here, the man you are going to marry hasn't had the same standard. Quite frankly, men that have saved themselves like that are unicorns. Don't lower your standards, but know the likelihood of finding a man who has saved himself for you is very slim.

    Now having said that, I have a few things to point out. You have been together for a year correct? If he has respected your boundaries of purity and waiting for marriage, for the past year, he finds you're worth it. Also, he has made the decision to honor you and make himself vulnerable to you by opening up about his past, his struggles with pornography, all of that. Men don't typically lay themselves bare like he has with you. It meant a lot to me when my husband shared his past with me because he made himself vulnerable. Your fiancé has shown you his heart. Whatever you do, don't hold his past mistakes over his head. You will drive him away should you do that.

    Finally, here is the hardest part, if you cannot forgive him, you are not ready to be married yet. He very well maybe the one G-d has for you, but now is not the time for you to be married. Go get premarital counseling first. Also, it would help you tremendously to seek godly counseling for your struggles with this as well. A counselor can help you see objectively and help you overcome your struggle. Remember, this thought process is completely normal with having waited for marriage. But here is something else to bear in mind. If you do end up marrying after everything is said and done, the likelihood of him making certain you are satisfied... Sweetheart, you won't have to worry. He understands what a treasure you are and how blessed he is G-d brought you into his life. He will rock your world and make sure you know you are his queen. Forgive my bluntness, but he knows the difference between just sex and lovemaking. Because even though he didn't have sex, foreplay is foreplay, and oral/hand to genital is still sex. If he truly treasures you, he will make certain you never know what just sex is. It will be love making which is the way G-d intended it.

    So to sum it up. Pray, press into G-d, and get counseling both for yourself and premarital. You will over come this in time. Philippians 4:13

    Praying for you.
     
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