- Jun 30, 2015
- 1,470
- 1,509
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Single
I grew up in a Christian home and was baptized at age 17. Been a Believer my entire life, but I have not lived a Godly life for many periods of that life.
I dated a number of attractive and non-Christian women that needed "fixing" as I was a co-dependent due to my biological father divorcing my mom when I was two. I had issues with rejection and for some reason picked women that were at high risk for cheating on me, and nearly every one I dated did.
My wife was the first Christian I dated and we got married after 5 months of dating and were married for 20 years, until she re-connected with a former boyfriend on Facebook and asked for a divorce.
At the time, she cited reasons for the divorce of her being tired of my negativity and that I was not full of joy and she didn't think I was really saved. But she said that I was a good man and did not really do anything bad; she just didn't love me anymore and didn't think I loved her.
We agreed to an amicable divorce after she refused my offer of a 6-month hiatus in which we would go to marriage counseling.
I ended up going to a Christian therapist on my own and he reassured me that I was indeed saved and that in reviewing correspondence from my wife concluded that she had a large part in damaging my self-esteem over the years due to her withholding of physical relations and touch and a very passive aggressive way of tearing me down.
My ex remarried two days after our divorce was finalized in November of 2013 and I found out about it from my daughter. It was crushing to realize that I had been cheated on again.
I started dating again about a year ago and have been on several dates and seen a couple of women that didn't work out.
My latest relationship lasted a few months but I ended it because I wasn't in love and despite her calling herself a Christian, she wanted to be intimate on the first date and I had been starved for affection for so long that I was unable to resist. But it just felt so wrong and it tainted the relationship. She did not think I had a negativity issue, however...
All that back story is to say that I realize that I have a lot of bitterness in my heart. About a year before my ex and I divorced, she mentioned the negativity and I realized that I would let all the negative stuff I noticed during the day build up and then unload it on her when I got home after work to purge myself of it.
I stopped doing that and have become very self-conscious of saying negative or complaining things to family and friends. I have a very cheerful and humorous disposition most of the time, but it feels like all the negativity I see around me gets absorbed and I have to purge it. If I don't consciously make a point to not say negative things, it will slip out and I feel guilty about it.
I pray every night for God to take away all my bitterness and anger. I pray for my heart to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to be full of joy and positive thoughts. I pray that I have forgiven those who have sinned against me and I plead with God to forgive me.
I give thanks for all of the gifts I have in my life and thank God for His grace and mercy and love.
But it just doesn't seem to sink in. I still feel myself getting angry and bitter rather easily and I still lose my temper on various online forums and flame people.
I just don't know what it will take for my heart to be changed and I don't think I should be with a good Christian woman while I'm still saddled with this bitterness.
I joined a Bible study from my church and have gone as much as my schedule allows, and I see all the joy and grace present in their lives but it makes me realize what I am missing.
I dated a number of attractive and non-Christian women that needed "fixing" as I was a co-dependent due to my biological father divorcing my mom when I was two. I had issues with rejection and for some reason picked women that were at high risk for cheating on me, and nearly every one I dated did.
My wife was the first Christian I dated and we got married after 5 months of dating and were married for 20 years, until she re-connected with a former boyfriend on Facebook and asked for a divorce.
At the time, she cited reasons for the divorce of her being tired of my negativity and that I was not full of joy and she didn't think I was really saved. But she said that I was a good man and did not really do anything bad; she just didn't love me anymore and didn't think I loved her.
We agreed to an amicable divorce after she refused my offer of a 6-month hiatus in which we would go to marriage counseling.
I ended up going to a Christian therapist on my own and he reassured me that I was indeed saved and that in reviewing correspondence from my wife concluded that she had a large part in damaging my self-esteem over the years due to her withholding of physical relations and touch and a very passive aggressive way of tearing me down.
My ex remarried two days after our divorce was finalized in November of 2013 and I found out about it from my daughter. It was crushing to realize that I had been cheated on again.
I started dating again about a year ago and have been on several dates and seen a couple of women that didn't work out.
My latest relationship lasted a few months but I ended it because I wasn't in love and despite her calling herself a Christian, she wanted to be intimate on the first date and I had been starved for affection for so long that I was unable to resist. But it just felt so wrong and it tainted the relationship. She did not think I had a negativity issue, however...
All that back story is to say that I realize that I have a lot of bitterness in my heart. About a year before my ex and I divorced, she mentioned the negativity and I realized that I would let all the negative stuff I noticed during the day build up and then unload it on her when I got home after work to purge myself of it.
I stopped doing that and have become very self-conscious of saying negative or complaining things to family and friends. I have a very cheerful and humorous disposition most of the time, but it feels like all the negativity I see around me gets absorbed and I have to purge it. If I don't consciously make a point to not say negative things, it will slip out and I feel guilty about it.
I pray every night for God to take away all my bitterness and anger. I pray for my heart to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to be full of joy and positive thoughts. I pray that I have forgiven those who have sinned against me and I plead with God to forgive me.
I give thanks for all of the gifts I have in my life and thank God for His grace and mercy and love.
But it just doesn't seem to sink in. I still feel myself getting angry and bitter rather easily and I still lose my temper on various online forums and flame people.
I just don't know what it will take for my heart to be changed and I don't think I should be with a good Christian woman while I'm still saddled with this bitterness.
I joined a Bible study from my church and have gone as much as my schedule allows, and I see all the joy and grace present in their lives but it makes me realize what I am missing.