How to deal with (romantic) loneliness as a Christian?

[TheRisingSun]

OK, so I've posted here about finding a church to go to, and struggling with being a Christian man who isn't that crazy about femininity. In a previous post, (So, I finally found a church. How it's going so far), I vented that one of the sins I struggle the most with is lust. And that lust is exasperated by--as the title implies--romantic loneliness.





I see a lot of people around me--believers and nonbelievers alike--married, in relationships. By contrast, I'm single as heck. Now, in the post I put a link to above, I mentioned that I found a church. As of the time I'm typing this, it's been a week, and I still don't know the other churchgoers very well. So I have no friends from that church yet, nor anyone who I might be interested in.





Plus, I'm 27 years old, and I go on Twitter and keep seeing all these Christian married couples who got together young at 21, high school sweethearts, 20, 19, so on and so forth, and many of them have kids. I want a family of my own one day, but I keep thinking to myself that I'm too dang old. That I'm a Christmas cake (a Japanese term for a woman who is unmarried by 25), except male. At work, and when I'm with my family, I look fine. But on the inside, I'm weighed down and hurting.



So I'm in need of some counsel from my brothers and sisters in Christ. How do you deal with romantic loneliness, especially at this age?

 

[NBB]

I have autism, so i am horrible at dealing with people, more so than other autistics,

I think God is interested in our relationships, and wants to help us find someone, i have faith that
if i could deal with some issues i have first, God would help me find a wife after that.

Like other problems we need to pray about them.

The mother of Samuel i think it was, was sterile i wanted a child, she went to the temple to cry to God for years if i remember, i think God answers our petitions.

 

[bèlla]

The bible says the truth will set us free and that should be our starting point. You're seeking a companion during a period of declining religious affiliation and church attendance. Which means the pool is smaller. The most common ways for meeting people were set aside for dating sites and apps. Which resulted in greater visibility and competition for prospects.

This is the reality of our time but few consider the conditions until their efforts prove unsuccessful or the waiting is difficult. When you weigh that in the beginning your priorities will work in your favor. If you neglect to do so, you'll proceed with no understanding of their viability in light of the circumstances.

We don't bend time to our will. We adapt our wants to the age. And by doing so we increase our chances for success. If you want to marry you have to be practical. You can't seek a unicorn and complain about loneliness. It goes with the territory. The percentage of women with the qualities you've shared is small.

You need to come to terms with your preferences or you could be waiting for years. If companionship is the goal you're making it harder on yourself and it's already challenging. The average age for marriage in America is 32. The people you're looking at on social media aren't the norm. Stop comparing yourself to them.

~bella

 

[TheRisingSun]

The bible says the truth will set us free and that should be our starting point. You're seeking a companion during a period of declining religious affiliation and church attendance. Which means the pool is smaller. The most common ways for meeting people were set aside for dating sites and apps. Which resulted in greater visibility and competition for prospects.

This is the reality of our time but few consider the conditions until their efforts prove unsuccessful or the waiting is difficult. When you weigh that in the beginning your priorities will work in your favor. If you neglect to do so, you'll proceed with no understanding of their viability in light of the circumstances.

We don't bend time to our will. We adapt our wants to the age. And by doing so we increase our chances for success. If you want to marry you have to be practical. You can't seek a unicorn and complain about loneliness. It goes with the territory. The percentage of women with the qualities you've shared is small.

You need to come to terms with your preferences or you could be waiting for years. If companionship is the goal you're making it harder on yourself and it's already challenging. The average age for marriage in America is 32. The people you're looking at on social media aren't the norm. Stop comparing yourself to them.

~bella

Well, I get everything else you're saying, but what do you mean "come to terms with my preferences?" How am I making it hard?

 

[Unqualified]

Take stock. Do you have something a woman needs?

Handle it as best you can, it’s not easy. I lived by myself, I stayed to myself. I got in bad relationships. I got to the end of myself. But when I truly got saved I wanted to get married. It worked out extremely well for me. I was always lonely too. Family helped. A hobby helped while I was single. I thought having sex was the pinnacle of my accomplishments and I pursued it often, but look at what I left behind. A trail of destruction. But God forgave me. I needed that. And when I chose not to do that anymore God blessed me.

i was in the flesh most of the time. Don’t be ruled by the flesh. It was not getting married that changed things it was becoming a new person and being willing to obey God.

do not lust, as much as is possible, just get it over with, m.

it is you walk with God that is important and joy and His strength that brings blessing. So try to transcend you flesh and lift yourself above it. Dwell with God.

its ok to be single these days if you choose to be.

 

[bèlla]

Well, I get everything else you're saying, but what do you mean "come to terms with my preferences?" How am I making it hard?

The woman you want isn't plentiful by any stretch. You'll spend a lot of time on the sidelines waiting for her and there's no guarantee she'll like you back. Can you live with that?

The more selective you become the more you need to be what they're seeking in return to minimize the risk. You'd have to know the probability of attraction is strong or you've hedged too much and need to pull back.

You have no wiggle room and that's a problem. You want make or breaks that are relatively common and extras that are less so. If the primary qualities you're seeking are rare you've eliminated most. That's okay if you can handle it but if waiting is hard you need to make adjustments.

The weight you assign to the attributes you esteem will determine your willingness to bend.

~bella

 

[TheRisingSun]

The woman you want isn't plentiful by any stretch. You'll spend a lot of time on the sidelines waiting for her and there's no guarantee she'll like you back. Can you live with that?

The more selective you become the more you need to be what they're seeking in return to minimize the risk. You'd have to know the probability of attraction is strong or you've hedged too much and need to pull back.

You have no wiggle room and that's a problem. You want make or breaks that are relatively common and extras that are less so. If the primary qualities you're seeking are rare you've eliminated most. That's okay if you can handle it but if waiting is hard you need to make adjustments.

The weight you assign to the attributes you esteem will determine your willingness to bend.

~bella

So in my case, those adjustments would be?

 

[bèlla]

So in my case, those adjustments would be?

I can't make that determination. You need to be honest with yourself. You're attracted to qualities that aren't plentiful among christian women. Are you going to widen your search or stay the course? If you choose the latter you must bear the consequences including the loneliness. It's part of the package.

If you want to plant a garden you don't grab a shovel and start digging. You survey the land and note its condition and find the areas best suited for the things you want to grow and make a plan. You'll always have things you want to do but the environment isn't ideal. So you focus on what's possible.

You should be asking yourself what percentage of women are looking for a man like you. That isn't based on ego. It's the result of what they've said. Then look for common denominators in their character and interests to determine the type of girl most attracted to you and proceed. That's the one you focus on.

~bella

 

[com7fy8]

in need of some counsel

I checked things you say in another thread. It looks like you want a woman who is godly but tomboyish and even more physically built than you are, but you both want children. And you want to street preach.

So . . . you have not gotten very started in finding out how to develop Christian relationships, it seems to me. So, you need to grow and mature more before you commit yourself to preferences. You do not want to set up your whole life while you are now still not developed much in relating with others, and while you still are not very mature. As a more mature person you can discover much better ways and preferences which God will honor and have to work out for you.

But right now you are dictating how things have to be . . . while you are not very mature! You are restricting yourself!!

"You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections." (2 Corinthians 6:12)

Making yourself your own dictator is not first trusting God to develop all He desires with you. And so . . . you might "hope", even, that God does not let you get your own way.

And as you mature, you will discover how you become masculine or feminine, or not.

Actually, in God's loving we can have the best of male and female > our Apostle Paul and Timothy and Silvanus say how they related with the Thessalonians >

"as a nursing mother cherishes her own children" (in 1 Thessalonians 2:7);

"we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children" (in 1 Thessalonians 2:11).

So, in God's love we have the best of being a mother and being a father. There is nothing here, I would say, about being masculine or feminine, which can be seen in even a child of the devil. So, grow in God's love and discover how you become and how you develop in sharing with various brothers and sisters of Jesus.

Jesus does want us to love any and all of His people, plus care for and reach to evil and impossible people. So, you need to share with a variety of Jesus people who show you how to relate, so you can feed on their example and grow.

A godly woman will look for if you are sharing with and cherishing various children of God, and appreciating time you share with every one . . . not just keeping score of how many "friends" you have. And lust, of course, is anti-love, keeping you from connecting well with people.

I have known a guy who could seem effeminate. And my impression was that he had various disorderly passions and emotions and ways of reacting, right while he also could be dictating what was going to work out for him in the far future, not exactly open to how God would create things so better than he an immature guy could hope > I keep finding how God has me doing better things than I even was thinking of doing, even just moments before things really work out .

No way is his dictating going to connect him with a lady who is deeply gentle and humble and all-loving and compassionate. And she is trusting God to guide her and create her life with her in submission to Him. So, He won't trust such a guy with a lady like her . . . except to be an example for him.

Get to know some real women so you can see how a real lady of Jesus is. And pray so you can be ready to share with ones who are pleasing to Jesus.

 

[eleos1954]

Try to concentrate on friendship ... don't look at every friendship as being a possible romantic relationship although it may happen through friendship. Try to put your focus on friendship rather than romance.

 

[TheRisingSun]

I checked things you say in another thread. It looks like you want a woman who is godly but tomboyish and even more physically built than you are, but you both want children. And you want to street preach.

So . . . you have not gotten very started in finding out how to develop Christian relationships, it seems to me. So, you need to grow and mature more before you commit yourself to preferences. You do not want to set up your whole life while you are now still not developed much in relating with others, and while you still are not very mature. As a more mature person you can discover much better ways and preferences which God will honor and have to work out for you.

But right now you are dictating how things have to be . . . while you are not very mature! You are restricting yourself!!

"You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections." (2 Corinthians 6:12)

Making yourself your own dictator is not first trusting God to develop all He desires with you. And so . . . you might "hope", even, that God does not let you get your own way.

And as you mature, you will discover how you become masculine or feminine, or not.

Actually, in God's loving we can have the best of male and female > our Apostle Paul and Timothy and Silvanus say how they related with the Thessalonians >

"as a nursing mother cherishes her own children" (in 1 Thessalonians 2:7);

"we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children" (in 1 Thessalonians 2:11).

So, in God's love we have the best of being a mother and being a father. There is nothing here, I would say, about being masculine or feminine, which can be seen in even a child of the devil. So, grow in God's love and discover how you become and how you develop in sharing with various brothers and sisters of Jesus.

Jesus does want us to love any and all of His people, plus care for and reach to evil and impossible people. So, you need to share with a variety of Jesus people who show you how to relate, so you can feed on their example and grow.

A godly woman will look for if you are sharing with and cherishing various children of God, and appreciating time you share with every one . . . not just keeping score of how many "friends" you have. And lust, of course, is anti-love, keeping you from connecting well with people.

I have known a guy who could seem effeminate. And my impression was that he had various disorderly passions and emotions and ways of reacting, right while he also could be dictating what was going to work out for him in the far future, not exactly open to how God would create things so better than he an immature guy could hope > I keep finding how God has me doing better things than I even was thinking of doing, even just moments before things really work out .

No way is his dictating going to connect him with a lady who is deeply gentle and humble and all-loving and compassionate. And she is trusting God to guide her and create her life with her in submission to Him. So, He won't trust such a guy with a lady like her . . . except to be an example for him.

Get to know some real women so you can see how a real lady of Jesus is. And pray so you can be ready to share with ones who are pleasing to Jesus.

So you think I shouldn't be worrying about preferences until I grow and mature. Well, part of the reason why I want a more masculine woman to be with is because I'm not that crazy about femininity, romantically. It just...doesn't do much. I don't like it.

And "get to know some real women so you can see how a real lady of Jesus is." The problem I see is that a lot of ladies of Jesus are very feminine, which again, is not something I crave at all. I'm sorry if I'm coming off aggressively, but what exactly what do you believe will happen once I relate to others more?

Finally, "So . . . you have not gotten very started in finding out how to develop Christian relationships, it seems to me. So, you need to grow and mature more before you commit yourself to preferences." Is there anything wrong with my preferences themselves? If so, what?

 

[TheRisingSun]

Try to concentrate on friendship ... don't look at every friendship as being a possible romantic relationship although it may happen through friendship. Try to put your focus on friendship rather than romance.

I'll try, but what do I do when that emotional pain from loneliness comes? I was REALLY going through it this morning.

 

[bèlla]

I checked things you say in another thread. It looks like you want a woman who is godly but tomboyish and even more physically built than you are, but you both want children.

He is determined to pursue an anomaly. How many women have you encountered in the flock who match that description? Femininity is more prevalent and women are encouraged to embrace their softness. The Lord doesn't emphasize masculinity in the fairer sex. It's illegitimate but he doesn't see it. He made them male and female. Not half and half or the other.

~bella

 

[TheRisingSun]

He is determined to pursue an anomaly. How many women have you encountered in the flock who match that description? Femininity is more prevalent and women are encouraged to embrace their softness. The Lord doesn't emphasize masculinity in the fairer sex. It's illegitimate but he doesn't see it. He made them male and female. Not half and half or the other.

~bella

OK, now I'm starting to think I was wrong for wanting that. So many Christian men appreciate femininity in a romantic sense, and yet I don't? I think I'm screwed up.

 

[bèlla]

OK, now I'm starting to think I was wrong for wanting that. So many Christian men appreciate femininity in a romantic sense, and yet I don't? I think I'm screwed up.

You're not screwed up. We all have places within us that require change. Don't be hard on yourself.

Woman is man's complement not a twin. Women aren't masculine nor do we possess masculine energy. The womanly expression always differs from a man's. Because their makeup differs. If she's behaving like him she's unbalanced and the reverse holds true. Men aren't effeminate.

~bella

 

[TheRisingSun]

You're not screwed up. We all have places within us that require change. Don't be hard on yourself.

Woman is man's complement not a twin. Women aren't masculine nor do we possess masculine energy. The womanly expression always differs from a man's. Because their makeup differs. If she's behaving like him she's unbalanced and the reverse holds true. Men aren't effeminate.

And is my disinterest something that needs to change? Or what? Because I am clearly not the average man.

 

[bèlla]

And is my disinterest something that needs to change? Or what? Because I am clearly not the average man.

I'm not condemning your attractions. I'm trying to help you understand that the one you seek is an anomaly and waiting for her will bring immense pain and suffering. She isn't the norm. It's more likely that well meaning women will encourage her to embrace her femininity than not.

You must do some soul searching and consider the reasons why you find it attractive and if you're relying on them to make up for the places you're lacking in that respect.

~bella

 

[TheRisingSun]

I'm not condemning your attractions. I'm trying to help you understand that the one you seek is an anomaly and waiting for her will bring immense pain and suffering. She isn't the norm. It's more likely that well meaning women will encourage her to embrace her femininity than not.

You must do some soul searching and consider the reasons why you find it attractive and if you're relying on them to make up for the places you're lacking in that respect.

~bella

Honestly, it's half admiration, and half relatability.

I'm on the sensitive side, I'm a poet at heart, and I'm not a very strong or courageous man. So on one half, I kind of look up to a woman who can kick donkey (you know which word I mean), has courage, physical prowess, can be insensitive and no-nonsense, and generally be a masculine force.


Second half is despite my more feminine qualities--or lack of masculine ones--I do have an interest in firearms, paleontology, weaponry, I like my films/games a bit bloody and with some action/violence. So my interests are male-dominated, and the other half of why I want a more masculine woman is because I can relate to them a little.

So it's 50% I can relate to more masculine women easier and they can be like a bro to me, and 50% they're better than me at being a guy and I appreciate their strength, courage, and risk-taking.

 

[Unqualified]

bad idea.

 

[Richard T]

OK, so I've posted here about finding a church to go to, and struggling with being a Christian man who isn't that crazy about femininity. In a previous post, (So, I finally found a church. How it's going so far), I vented that one of the sins I struggle the most with is lust. And that lust is exasperated by--as the title implies--romantic loneliness.





I see a lot of people around me--believers and nonbelievers alike--married, in relationships. By contrast, I'm single as heck. Now, in the post I put a link to above, I mentioned that I found a church. As of the time I'm typing this, it's been a week, and I still don't know the other churchgoers very well. So I have no friends from that church yet, nor anyone who I might be interested in.





Plus, I'm 27 years old, and I go on Twitter and keep seeing all these Christian married couples who got together young at 21, high school sweethearts, 20, 19, so on and so forth, and many of them have kids. I want a family of my own one day, but I keep thinking to myself that I'm too dang old. That I'm a Christmas cake (a Japanese term for a woman who is unmarried by 25), except male. At work, and when I'm with my family, I look fine. But on the inside, I'm weighed down and hurting.



So I'm in need of some counsel from my brothers and sisters in Christ. How do you deal with romantic loneliness, especially at this age?

My late 20s were the worst as a single. You need to try something different. Yes, you can lower your expectations, but try expanding into new territory too. By that I mean try something different. First, make sure you are on God's side with His plan for how to court a woman. Next, try some different approaches or locations. Online, distance, another country? Lots of love in the Philippines for American men. many are not gold diggers either.
This will shock anyone. A story about an older Christian man, marrying a 19 year old. He has a stroke and they are still doing great.

Like he says it is not for everyone and this is a huge outlier but the point is you need to have faith in God to find your partner.