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How to be more submissive, respect my husband, show gratitude

Discussion in 'Non-denominational' started by brokenblessings, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. brokenblessings

    brokenblessings New Member

    3
    +2
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Hi :) Hoping someone might have gone through a similar situation and may be able to help. I have been married for 8 1/2 yrs, about 4 years ago my husband cheated on me (with a co-worker) - he actually left me and our (then 2) children for about 4 months, prior to that he struggled on and off with drug addiction (even before we were married too, but before we were married he completed a year long Christian drug treatment program called teen challenge) - after that he relapsed pretty bad about 2 years into our marriage. We tend to fight quite a bit now. We have 3 kids - 3, 5, and 7. I homeschool them and stay home. Our last fight was pretty bad and he brought up divorce. He said I am not the same as I used to be - specifically not as submissive. He says I am ungrateful too and that I don't respect him. I am different. I agree. I have forgiven him for the past but the things I have gone through with him have hardened my heart. I don't want to be like that. I want to be able to respect him and submit to him completely like I used to but I am bitter. Obviously praying is part of the solution, but what else can I do? How can I start to be more submissive, not just in actions, but in attitude? The Bible clearly says that wives are to submit to their husbands....so if you don't agree with that please don't reply, I am just interested in helpful advice - thanks:)
     
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  2. Vanguard PCD

    Vanguard PCD Progressive Christian Deist

    825
    +94
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Libertarian
    Actually, you need to use that in context.

    Yes, wives are supposed to submit to their husbands willingly, IF (BIG IF) the husband is acting as a righteous man, walking in the path of Jesus' teachings and leading his family by that example. The Bible verses do not mean that you are his slave and have to obey his every word.

    The Bible also says that husbands are to love their wives unconditionally, as you would love yourself. That means respecting her, asking for her opinion before making decisions, and remaining true to the marriage vows.

    If he fails to do so, you are under no biblical authority or regulation to do anything other than to kick him to the curb for being an adulterer.
     
  3. brokenblessings

    brokenblessings New Member

    3
    +2
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I can see why you would respond that way given the information that I gave- without an update of what is going on currently with him- actually my husband is doing a lot better in most ways now - he hasn't used drugs in years and he hasn't cheated on me since that time four years ago. Most of the problem now is with me, the bitterness that I am having a hard time letting go of in order to be the person I was before all of this....and because I was so submissive to him before, I think he got used to it, and now when I "talk back" he finds it disrespectful, and that makes him angry, which causes fights. I can't really defend myself given what the Bible says considering I made the choice to stay with him after everything in the past. For his part, he does still struggle with anger, but that is all I can complain about.
     
  4. Di1533

    Di1533 Guest

    +0
    I understand where you are coming from. You made the choice to stay so you want to go back to the way things were. But that isn't possible. You can't be who you were before because the woman before didn't have those problems. BUT you can grow and realize that you can be the woman you are now and still respect him/submit to him.

    Now when you two fight, do you say something like "Well, you cheated on me once." Or something about his drug use? I went through something similar and anytime I fought with my husband I would say "I can't trust you, you were planning to cheat on me!" And it would bring up that fight again and we would be back there fighting about something I was supposed to forgive him for. When I talked to my counselor she said, "Look, if you decided to forgive and stay with him you can't bring it up anymore." So, I told him that I was going to work on not bringing it up and needed him to tell me in a nice way that I was saying the same thing again.

    Another thing that really really helps is thinking of what you are grateful for. Does he kiss you before work? Be thankful for it, does he cuddle you in bed, offer to take the kids for a bit, hold your hand when going for walk etc etc. Once you move your focus from the pain to being thankful you will find you have less to complain about.

    And always always pray that God warms your heart and you can finally let go of that bitterness.
     
  5. bluemarkus

    bluemarkus Veteran

    +53
    Non-Denom
    Private
    i am very proud of you that you actually writing this thread. seeing most modern women seem to think they can and should be anything to evryone, but not focus on the main thing which is being a WOMAN, a mother and wife..

    me have problems myself with hanging on to things of the past. i hope that you can forget the things that are behind. be honest with yourself. who in todays stressful society so full of temptations with a world (outside of church) that runs amok with evrything sexually. evrything goes. the woman who seduced him at work probly didnt even give it a second thought. merely another lay she hooked off her busy calendar.. so give it a rest. he´s a man after all. he has to go out into the world to earn the bread adn in the world the laws of the world are omnipresent. these laws state that for a man its desirable to sleep with as many women as he can. the fact he didnt cheat on you more often shows he IS committed to your famly. you are one entity and he´s trying his best. i also believe that youa re trying your best.

    forgiveness is not for anyone else. it is gods gift to you to deal with all the crap people throw at you. so u dont get hurt by others peoples attacks. u forgive them. and heal your soul. and secure your balance.

    i personally find backtalking EXTREMELY irritating. especially in this german culture where i grew up in adn now over 30 yrs old coming full circle with all the cultures i saw in africa, america, and other countries. the german women are the most hard in the world. they believe they are superior to men and try to turn men into animals trying to usurp their place. i dont have to go into detail but even in german language the sun is female adn the moon is male. 180° opposed to what tanakh writes...

    i can only say if you´re looking for real submission, dont lok for a role model in modern western society you won´t find one.. look to africa or asian cultures. striving for submissiveness can be the most rewarding thing for a woman but comes at a price u might have to give up some self in the process. submissive womanhood can be very rewarding but u cant expect to lead the life of a glamour model or actress at the same time. all these women have secret lives and have tremendous sexual power over men through all the stuff they pull, but i dont wanna go into more graphic detail here.

    i find it remarkable, again, that a woman would write a thread like that and it shows that u really wanna try...

    genesis writes "your heart shall be toward your husband but he shall rule over you"
    queen ester didnt dare to enter the throneroom of king ahasverus she knew she would be killed. that was back in the days. today we have come a long way. i dont wanna write abouta all the women in the bible you know all the stories.

    if your husband is worth his salt, obedience might not be hard for you. if he is from a backgroud addled with drinking or drug problems or a weaker man, u might sometimes feel spiritually superior (becuase you are). many godly women are marreid to nonchristian men cause they are attracted to their "masculinity" which men in the church often lack due to the holification process. but when youre a wise woman, you will find the fine path to negotiate. sometimes it helps just to make propositions and leaving your husband the choice rather than forcing stuff down his throat. men after all like to be flattered and love having the feeling of power. thats what we were created for but not all men can handle power. so if you´re not satisfied with your husband. remember marriage is a lifelong contract to supply the needs of a person without asking back anything. (Dr. Myles Munroe).

    i´m very much at odds with the church last years but love Dr. Myles Munroe. he has free sermons on youtube on marriage, fatherhood, families. a small man from the bahamas but a big heart. saw him live in jerusalem 2009.

    may you adn your family be blessed..

    St.mark
     
  6. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran Supporter

    +3,474
    Non-Denom
    Married
    We can't make the other person change but we can change ourselves - especially with Yahweh's help. You know you're going to have to forgive him - encourage you to be persistent and keep asking Yahweh to help you with this. Also, a vital marital key is Eph 5:33 husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands

    Here's a very good article Living Ephesians 5: Wives, Respect your Husband - Christian Marriage Help and Advice
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2014
  7. pescador

    pescador Newbie Supporter

    +1,212
    Christian
    Married
    When God created humanity both male and female were created in God's image. He didn't make the woman "less" than the man. She was made to be his helper, not his slave.

    A marriage is a joining of two equals. They should have respect for each other and be 100% supportive of each other. Any time one tries to dominate the other (and the other becomes submissive) you have co-dependency which poisons the relationship.

    You must be the person that the Lord wants you to be, not the person your husband wants you to be. Allow Jesus to give you his grace to be the woman that he wants you to be.
     
  8. MWood

    MWood Newbie

    +7,967
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    The only real help that you can get with your problem is your prayer to God.
    When you pray ask God to remove the bitterness from your heart and give you peace and comfort. Remove these things from me Lord that I remember them no more. Help me be a better wife and mother. I pray for your help with my husband, make him a better husband and father, that we as a family will serve you in all of your ways.
    When you have said your prayer, have faith that God will answer your prayer, never have any doubts, just leave it in his hands. By the way, don't try to help God fix it, He can't use your help, you will just be in His way.

    May God Bless your Family
     
  9. Resilient Mixedbreed

    Resilient Mixedbreed Junior Member

    32
    +7
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Agree 100%.

    Maybe you need to work on your relationship in regards to how you treat each other rather than how you treat him.

    I believe man most likely cut out pro women sections from the bible and that view will never change.
     
  10. pescador

    pescador Newbie Supporter

    +1,212
    Christian
    Married
    I assume that the first part of your post is to me and the second is to BrokenBlessings (author of the OP). :) (I am very happily married for decades!)

    If you read the bible there is a lot that is pro-women. Not only did women follow and support the Messiah, but they were heads of churches after the resurrection. A woman gave birth to the Lord (and to John the Baptizer). The prophetess Anna spoke about Jesus' greatness when he was eight days old. Women were the last to be with Jesus when he died and the first to witness his resurrection. The main point is that there is neither male nor female in Christ Jesus -- there is no distinction between them in the body of Christ.

    Men need to recognize who women are in the eyes of the Lord!
     
  11. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran Supporter

    +3,474
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Encourage you to read Love and Respect written by Emerson.

    Since your husband has said you won't respect him, ask him what showing him respect means to him.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2014
  12. Alithis

    Alithis Disciple of Jesus .

    +2,132
    New Zealand
    Christian
    Married
    you are an amazing person-though so difficult to forgive you still desire to do so.. and have,but it is the hurt that is not fully healed and which festers causing sustained bitterness.and that wound is ever being aggravated .
    he uses terms like -you dont respect me-but is that what he is really saying? i suspect not but rather..hes saying you don't trust him.. and lets be honest,why would you? he lost the right to be trusted.

    but what could i advice one such as you who is to be commended for your willingness to forgive as you have been forgiven? but to cast yourself upon the love of our savior Jesus and immerse yourself in him in abandoned trust ,that he can transform your husbands life .believe and only believe that he who died for us ,not once we were cleaned up ,but while we stank in sin and death,loves your husband and also can transform him by the working of HIS power (not ours).
    might i put it this way.... do not respect sin or sinfull flesh ,But love and respect the lord Jesus at work within your husband ..trust the lord Jesus at work in him ...can you just do that?

    see the righteousness of christ within him as a small healthy mustard seed springing up,water it nourish it tend to it..

    God bless you for laying down your life for your friend.in this case your friend is your husband who may well loathe himself for what he did.... love him and Christ in him.
     
  13. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran Supporter

    +3,474
    Non-Denom
    Married
    This is my earlier post - We can't make the other person change but we can change ourselves - especially with Yahweh's help. You know you're going to have to forgive him - encourage you to be persistent and keep asking Yahweh to help you with this. Also, a vital marital key is Eph 5:33 husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands

    Here's a very good article Living Ephesians 5: Wives, Respect your Husband - Christian Marriage Help and Advice
     
  14. revrobor

    revrobor Veteran

    +315
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others
    Forgiveness is a choice. If you are still bitter then you haven't forgiven him. For whatever reason you are holding on to what you feel is a personal attack on you by his adultery. That bitterness will only destroy you and eventually your marriage. Twenty years into our marriage my wife left, took our five children and had affairs with five different men. Fifteen months later she came back because "God told me to". I forgave her and to this day it has not bothered me. Later this month we will celebrate our 44th anniversary. The choice is yours. You can choose to continue to be "offended" or you can choose to concentrate on improving your marriage. The choice is yours. You will never forget but you can forgive.
     
  15. Lovely Jar

    Lovely Jar Pray Out Loud

    +77
    Christian
    Married
    The Bible also says that you can divorce your husband due to his adultery and atheism. Scripture that says do not be unequally yoked pertains to the Christian who is in a marriage with an unbeliever.

    Your husband is telling you his sins are your fault!

    You could wear a Burka, walk three paces behind your husband, never look him in the eyes, and never disagree with a thing he says so as to demonstrate submissiveness, and you'll never be good enough for him to be man enough to live up to his vows that he took with you.

    Now, you have to be selfish!

    Because God trusted you with three children! Who's care and upbringing you are not only responsible for but shall answer to God for at the day of judgment.

    Your husband isn't changing from his old ways. He's washed in his sins and he's using you as his excuse to enjoy the submersion.

    And while you're wasting your time with someone who doesn't respect you or your children, the man God has picked out for you is going to pass on by unnoticed. Because he is everything you wish your husband would be. And he would never look at a married woman with kids.

    When you're making that list in your head that says you'd be happy if your husband just did this and that, you're telling yourself that that man you wish he'd become is the man you deserve! And that list you're writing up is point by point proof that man isn't in him!

    If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always gotten.


    You owe it to yourself and your children to depart from the sinner and seek the righteous way. Because you are their role model. And so too is he.
    And how you act toward him, how he treats you, is what they learn to be.

    If you wouldn't wish your relationship troubles on anyone, then don't teach them to your children.

    His attitude is you're not worth staying faithful to.
    You're worth dying from the STD's his whoremongering actions risk bringing home to you.
    You're worth dying from the diseases he can get as a drug addict.
    You're worth being treated horribly by him by his choice! And the whole time he says its your fault he does that to you.

    The only way he can do that to you is if you're there for him to continue doing it.
    He doesn't think you're worth more than the way he treats you now. And he calls that your fault!

    He doesn't love you. As an adulterer and a drug addict he doesn't love himself. How can he love you? He loves his sin...until death does he part.
    And as a drug addict and a whoremonger, in the age of HIV AIDS, death is not impossible.

    The thing is, do you want him to take you with him? Then your children are orphaned. Because daddy didn't think more of mom and the kids. And mom agreed with daddy that it was all her fault.

    :hug: If it were me, he'd have been gone yesterday. God didn't make you in his image and likeness so that you could be abused after taking a sacred oath at an altar where it wasn't asked of you.

     
  16. revrobor

    revrobor Veteran

    +315
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others
    Well lovely jar, while you are correct about what the Bible says in the rest of it you come off sounding like a bitter woman. She said his problem today is anger and she wants to work on her marriage. And while she and I had a Biblical right to divorce perhaps God wanted us to do something else.
     
  17. Lovely Jar

    Lovely Jar Pray Out Loud

    +77
    Christian
    Married

    I think you're confused.
    I was speaking to the woman in the OP. I would have hoped that would come across since I quoted the OP in my reply.
     
  18. revrobor

    revrobor Veteran

    +315
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others
    I know you were speaking to brokenblessing the OP.
     
  19. andy b

    andy b Newbie Supporter

    +187
    United Kingdom
    Catholic
    Married
    CA-Others
    I would neither want or expect my wife or ant other human being to be sub servant to me and the thought of that fills me with sorrow and anger.These rules where written for the times they where in to keep the status quo.Im sorry but if anyone applies them rules today they really need to examine there perspective of right and wrong
     
  20. Neogaia777

    Neogaia777 Apprentice Supporter

    +3,952
    Non-Denom
    Celibate
    A good christian man (husband) is supposed to "subdue" not dominate his wife into submission, he is supposed to woo and even seduce his wife (by his good and shining example and conduct) into her wanting to "willingly" submit to him, or her own free will, if your husband is trying to dominate you into submission, then he is not doing it right, and he is partially to blame, and/so if he is partially to blame, do not be putting all the blame upon yourself, but wives are also supposed to "win" their husbands over through their good conduct as well, sometimes as the Bible says "winning them over without a word" which doesn't mean don't speak, just that a truly wise persons words will be few, and usually when a wise person does speak a few words they will be very poinant.

    The Bible says (to men and women) be quick to listen, slow to wrath, and slow to speak. May I ask, are you both talkers? feeling like the one with the most words dominates the conversation, and does your relationship seem like a struggle for "dominance" if so, this is not the way it should be, often if your "quick to listen" and "slow to speak" and your words prove to be few, (the one who is quick to listen and slow to speak will learn "wisdom") and when the one with few words does choose to speak, (and has learned some wisdom) that persons words will often say more in one single sentence then pages of words of one who is quick to speak and slow to listen usually is.

    Maybe you should share some of this information with your husband, it might do some good, hope that helps, God bless!, and good luck:)
     
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