How long before a marriage is considered successful?

[akmom]

My husband had this discussion recently about how long a couple must be married before we can *assume* that the marriage is successful. A person who has been married for a year might consider it a successful marriage at the time, but we all know that plenty of those marriages dissolve before one partner dies. Obviously when they die, having not divorced, we can retrospectively call it a good marriage. But at that point, they can no longer give advice about marriage, so it's not terribly useful.

And technically, they may have eventually divorced if they had lived longer. We generally consider this unlikely if a person has been married for 50 years, and probably more likely if they were widowed after just a few. So when does a couple become an "example" for others? We had a couple at our wedding who gave a toast with some advice, and they were married for 20 years and had three children. Today, they are divorced. (So... does that invalidate their advice?) Yet another couple was featured in the news for having divorced his 90-year-old wife after a lifetime of marriage, upon learning that she cheated on him once 30 years ago with a man now long dead. Still others, I'm sure, make the decision after dementia sets in. And that, to me, doesn't really "count" as a failed marriage.

I see people post marital advice on Facebook with their fifth or tenth anniversary announcement, and many of them go on to divorce shortly after, or have marriages that I know to be terrible even though they are technically staying together at the moment. So... at what point would you consider a couple worthy of giving marital advice?

 

[Poppyseed78]

I think a lot of people don't practice what they preach. So their advice may actually be sound, but it doesn't mean they are living by example. So that certainly does hurt their credibility. Priests give marital advice, but they have no personal experience with marriage. I tend to take advice with a grain of salt if it's coming from a source that has no experience whatsoever with something. Best to use your common sense no matter where your advice comes from.

As you mentioned, a couple can divorce even after 50 years together. There are couples who appear to be happy, but aren't, and others who appear unhappy, but are. So you never know. I try to take an optimistic approach and hope that couples will stay married.

 

[mkgal1]

We had a couple at our wedding who gave a toast with some advice, and they were married for 20 years and had three children. Today, they are divorced. (So... does that invalidate their advice?)

I don't like to speculate on other's marriages as we never really know what's going on "behind closed doors".

I think "success" is in daily decisions, so a couple could have been "successful" for years---but then one spouse made a wrong turn and kept on going down that path and ruined the marriage beyond repair.

That couple's advice---had it been rooted in truth---wouldn't be invalid (I don't believe).....maybe they didn't take their own advice? Do you recall what they'd said?

So... at what point would you consider a couple worthy of giving marital advice?

I always believe people are "worthy" of sharing their opinions. It's when someone has been married for a couple years and is then *telling* someone that's been married for 20 years (for example) that their opinions are "wrong" that I see it as a problem (something that used to happen here a lot). You can't describe where a road leads if you've never traveled down it--you know?

 

[akmom]

I believe their advice was along the lines of always make time to have fun. Then they made too much time for fun, and one left the other for a life of partying. Basically. But I love them both and I was really bummed when they split. I'm still holding out for their reconciliation, but it's been 10 years, so maybe I shouldn't.

When prompted, my husband always gives terrible advice, so as not to appear preachy. Like he will suggest they have an enormous amount of children so divorce is too inconvenient for either party. Ironically, it seems like some of the longest marriages are based on dynamics like that... where one or both can't escape. Is that a successful marriage or the opposite? I don't want to divorce. I also don't want the reason to be that I was locked in a dungeon and thus couldn't file for it...

 

[Poppyseed78]

I think people who refuse to at least consider others' advice are often overly prideful. However, sometimes advice can be tone deaf or in poor taste too, and you just have to use your judgment to sift out the more useful things.

 

[Runswithdogs]

Till one of you kicks the bucket!

(preferable of natural causes)

 

[JackRT]

My wife and I have been married just short of 44 years. Successful? If you had been a fly on the wall last night you might have thought different.

 

[Odetta]

I voted never, because I don't think success has anything to do with longevity. Until your or your spouse's very last breath, marriage takes work to make it work. Sometimes hard work, sometimes joyful work, sometimes boring work, sometimes work that hardly seems like work it's so fun, but work it takes.

I have a friend that up until July 2, thought she had a great 20+ year marriage, and then her husband turned on her. She's now staring in the face of probable divorce from an unrepentant cheating spouse.

Would I go to her for marriage advice? Absolutely. She
has wisdom - hard earned wisdom in this case. So, again, I don't think it's a matter of longevity. It's all about wisdom, and that can come from people still in a healthy marriage, or from someone from a broken one. Personally, I think we need to hear from both.

 

[OK Jeff]

I turned this question over in my head for several hours. My opinion is worth what it costs and it is free, but here goes.
I'd say a marriage can be considered successful about any time you're in a season of life when your marriage is an example of why God intended it to be. Many marriages last through many ups and downs of life and then fail after many years. 25 years seems to be a common place to give up. But even those can be considered successful in the years leading up to this point (although I suspect most aren't). Unfortunately few marriages are what God intended them to be. Too many couples try to portray a good marriage while behind the scenes it's a mess. Only the couple itself knows this. So in short, a marriage can have many years, many seasons of success but fail later. I hope and pray mine isn't one of them. At 13 years, I think mine is pretty successful. I am determined to see it stays that way.

 

[akmom]

Good point, Runswiththedogs. "Till death do us part" doesn't mean much if one spouse hastens the event on purpose!

 

[UpandDown]

My husband had this discussion recently about how long a couple must be married before we can *assume* that the marriage is successful. A person who has been married for a year might consider it a successful marriage at the time, but we all know that plenty of those marriages dissolve before one partner dies. Obviously when they die, having not divorced, we can retrospectively call it a good marriage. But at that point, they can no longer give advice about marriage, so it's not terribly useful.

And technically, they may have eventually divorced if they had lived longer. We generally consider this unlikely if a person has been married for 50 years, and probably more likely if they were widowed after just a few. So when does a couple become an "example" for others? We had a couple at our wedding who gave a toast with some advice, and they were married for 20 years and had three children. Today, they are divorced. (So... does that invalidate their advice?) Yet another couple was featured in the news for having divorced his 90-year-old wife after a lifetime of marriage, upon learning that she cheated on him once 30 years ago with a man now long dead. Still others, I'm sure, make the decision after dementia sets in. And that, to me, doesn't really "count" as a failed marriage.

I see people post marital advice on Facebook with their fifth or tenth anniversary announcement, and many of them go on to divorce shortly after, or have marriages that I know to be terrible even though they are technically staying together at the moment. So... at what point would you consider a couple worthy of giving marital advice?

DEFINE SUCCESS? Still married when you both DIE? Walked with God, did your best, picked yourself up when you fell, forgave, loved. Define SUCCESS based on God's terms.

A bigger issue are those who DIVORCE and remarry and are living in adultery according to Jesus including pastors on their 2nd and 3rd wives. I hear many people rail on the homosexual issue, but I NEVER hear anyone hold fellow Christians accountable to Jesus' words on Divorce and remarriage being ADULTERY. No exceptions.

Do you believe what Jesus said in Matthew 5:28? Do you hold people to this statement? Then you must also take what Jesus said about divorce and remarriage deadly serious!

Luke 16:18
Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Mark 10:11

And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her,

 

[akmom]

Um, just happy with their marriage is all I meant. Not divorced and not wishing they were either.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I've seen it pointed out that a marriage is successful not merely if it doesn't end in divorce, but also if it remains relatively peaceful and harmonious. Not that the arguments don't happen, but that they are worked out. The article I was reading (so long ago, I can't remember where) stated that by this definition, most marriages fail. Half end in divorce, and those that do stay together aren't always happy, so more than half are defined as failing.

It's hard to tell the point at which "we know we're going to make it until the end and still be happy together" applies. I've seen couples divorce after twenty or thirty years. I wouldn't have thought it would happen. I think most divorces happen, if they're going to, within ten. My husband and I have been married for eight years, and I think we're going to make it. Coming from a highly dysfunctional and unstable background, it's the longest I've ever been with anybody. And I don't simply mean marriage. It's also the longest I've ever lived any one place without moving. Yes, that's how chaotic my life always was before. He rescued me from that.

He was married to his first wife for fifteen years. That ended, but he knew long beforehand that it was going to. She never loved him, and never really committed to him.

For the poll, I voted 50+ years. If you last that long together, chances are you're going to be too old to make a fatal mistake now.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

The same way a christian is successful. By making it to the finish line. Likewise staying married until one of you dies means it was a success. Granted if someone dies early I think it would still be a success technically.

 

[WolfGate]

If you spend your lives together loving each other (1 Cor 13) then I would say it has been a success. Doesn't have to be perfect of course and the feelings of in-love may not always be there, but the commitment to each other as in the above verses would reflect success.

 

[Truthfrees]

MOD HAT

Only married people are allowed to post here.

Posts have been removed for this reason.

 

[mina]

I think wise advice can come at any length of time. Wisdom is in experience. The whys of an ended marriage can be vast and totally unrelated to the advice given. Or people can be in horrible marriages for years and years, but it doesn't mean they are good at it. And people on the outside would never know and think, "oh, they have been married forever! They sure know what they are talking about!", but it's not true. I think as receivers of advice we have to have wisdom as well. Is the advice patient and loving? Does it boost love and respect/ trust between a husband and wife? Does it line up with scripture? That sort of thing......

 

[puregrl]

Married three years and I consider my marriage successful. My grandparents were married till death, and it would be deemed unsuccessful because of how things were relationship wise. Like others, I dont think time has anything to do with a successful marriage. Successful marriages are filled with love, understanding, and reciprocity. Successful marriages have arguments and disagreements. Successful marriages have date nights and time spent together. It has nothing to do with years, it is all about the relationship quality.

 

[akmom]

Yes, but a marriage that hasn't encountered any valleys would not really know whether they had the fortitude to climb out of them. I guess there is a presumption that after a certain amount of time, a couple has likely endured hardships and navigated them well. Of course it doesn't mean they can handle anything life may throw at them, but I guess it means they can handle what life is likely to throw at them. So if they've gone that long and not divorced (or wished they could), then I guess that is what I mean by successful. So... I guess how many years should pass before that is considered to be the case?

Personally, I'm on Year 12 of marriage and I think that point of "We've definitely got this" was around Year 5. Of course we thought we had it from Day 1, and technically we did (so far) because we're still married, but there was a lot we hadn't worked out yet.

 

[puregrl]

I would have to disagree with you. Just because a certain amount of time has passed does not mean they are successful. They could encounter issues, disagree or argue, then put it away. Or one person could make all the big decisions while the other sits back or is placed in the back. It is a presumption because time does not equal success. You said it yourself that you have to encounter problems, face them together, to grow as a couple.
Say that in just one year of marriage, a couple goes through a miscarriage, family death, problems with the home, problems with finances, and issues with having one vehicle, while he is in graduate school. That was two years ago. Another couple has been married 5 years. They both have graduate degrees, no debt, no children or desire for any, similar interests, and have not had any big problems they faced. Who between these two would you say has a successful marriage? Why would you say that?
You cant quantify success in a marriage. It is about quality. You will continually be learning about each other and growing as a couple.