How important is physical attraction when considering marriage?

[Pavel Mosko]

What would be the top criteria in your opinion then?

I use to hear a saying defining Marriage from an Eastern Orthodox point of view as something like "finding a partner on the road for the salvation of your soul." (Someone who can assist you on your spiritual walk)

 

[RDKirk]

From Fiddler on the Roof, I can relate after 27 years of marriage

Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I've lived with him
Fought with him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that's not love, what is?

Then you love me?

I suppose I do

And I suppose I love you too
It doesn't change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It's nice to know

I have always loved the point made by that song. Remember, though, that theirs had been an arranged marriage.

What I know, having been married now for 37 years, is that at some point, every marriage will become an "arranged" marriage. That is to say, regardless how compatible you were when you were married, everyone changes over time. At some point you will realize that the spouse you have is not the spouse you chose.

Ideally, the two of you will have lived your lives so that your changes remained compatible. That takes deliberate and continuous effort. You have to choose to direct your concerns and affections in the same direction. if you leave it up to chance, you'll wander away from each other on separate paths.

But being a partner in life is a conscious, rational choice. We like what we choose to like.

 

[GreekOrthodox]

IWhat I know, having been married now for 37 years, is that at some point, every marriage will become an "arranged" marriage. That is to say, regardless how compatible you were when you were married, everyone changes over time. At some point you will realize that the spouse you have is not the spouse you chose.

AKA, whatever attracted you to him in the first place is now why you want to kill him

"Your snore is sooo cute when you nap"
to
"I am going to smother you with your pillow if you dont stop snoring"

Fiddler has to be in my Top 10 musicals. Every part of it speaks to me, especially now that I'm in my 50s.

 

[bèlla]

Thank you. She's a wonderful woman and is beautiful inside and out. I just need to spend some more time with her to determine the impact and influence she has on my person as we haven't spent much time in-person together yet as this is long-distance.

You’re welcome. I didn’t realize you’re physically apart. By all means take you time and give yourselves copious grace if you move forward. Relationships differ a lot when you meet sporadically as opposed to frequent contact.

I often say you’re starting again once you’re in the same place. That’s my experience. I viewed it as an adventure of sorts with new discoveries. That allowed us to flow through the awkward moments.

God bless you and yours.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[ArmyMatt]

What would be the top criteria in your opinion then?

is this the person God has chosen to save your soul.

 

[SingularityOne]

is this the person God has chosen to save your soul.

I agree wholeheartedly; virtue > physical attractiveness. Would you then say that physical attractiveness isn't that important if that is the case or that there is a hierarchy of virtue being more important than physical attractiveness? Maybe I'm creating a false-dialectic here though...

Also, how does one figure out if that person is the correct person that will help one towards that goal?

 

[F.E.A.R.]

It matters a lot. But since you said she's beautiful inside and out, you probably hit the jackpot. If she's beautiful but ugly on the inside, it's a NO, f she's ugly but beautiful on the inside it's still a NO. It has to be both.

 

[SingularityOne]

It matters a lot. But since you said she's beautiful inside and out, you probably hit the jackpot. If she's beautiful but ugly on the inside, it's a NO, f she's ugly but beautiful on the inside it's still a NO. It has to be both.

I mean, it's more about subjective external beauty vs objective beauty (I was speaking of the latter when I was saying she is beautiful). I need to get to know her better to know the internal beauty... considering we have only facetime'd thus far. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this... Virtue seems to be hierarchically more important than external beauty. But, the external beauty seems to have a factor in this equation though...

 

[Hermit76]

It matters a lot. But since you said she's beautiful inside and out, you probably hit the jackpot. If she's beautiful but ugly on the inside, it's a NO, f she's ugly but beautiful on the inside it's still a NO. It has to be both.

This is messed up. This needs to stop.

 

[ArmyMatt]

I agree wholeheartedly; virtue > physical attractiveness. Would you then say that physical attractiveness isn't that important if that is the case or that there is a hierarchy of virtue being more important than physical attractiveness? Maybe I'm creating a false-dialectic here though...

Also, how does one figure out if that person is the correct person that will help one towards that goal?

it's not as important because it fades with age. love is far deeper.

and you figure it out by prayer, and to remember if the Church is blessing you both, it's probably a yes.

 

[ArmyMatt]

It has to be both.

no, it doesn't.

 

[Paul4JC]

I had a long distance that didn't pan out, thank God. Sometimes real character doesn't come out till later. Thankfully for me it did at the right time.

Now my wife who I met 3 years later is a jewel of a person and a beauty. Married 20 years now.

Will pray for God's leading.

(Hope you've seen her without makeup)

Character outweighs beauty by miles.

[Pro 31:30 NIV] Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

 

[SingularityOne]

it's not as important because it fades with age. love is far deeper.

and you figure it out by prayer, and to remember if the Church is blessing you both, it's probably a yes.

Thank you. This makes sense.

 

[SalemsConcordance]

Fr Kosmas has a number of talks on marriage. When reading the Holy Fathers (this is from memory):

• Virtue over attractiveness
• The lustfulness will go away, so careful of that
• Replace "love" with "name" for ideal virtues (Sarah is kind, Sarah is long suffering... etc.): 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Married Life - Page 1 - Orthodox Talks

 

[ArmyMatt]

Thank you. This makes sense.

no problem

 

[F.E.A.R.]

I mean, it's more about subjective external beauty vs objective beauty (I was speaking of the latter when I was saying she is beautiful). I need to get to know her better to know the internal beauty... considering we have only facetime'd thus far. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this... Virtue seems to be hierarchically more important than external beauty. But, the external beauty seems to have a factor in this equation though...

I thought you already knew her internal beauty. I miss understood. Both are a factor, both the external beauty and internal.

This is messed up. This needs to stop.

No it's not. My perspective is different. Being pretty and good is important, no guy is going to settle down if the woman is below average looking, not even me. Beauty is a key factor for dating and getting to know someone. You don't "fall in love" with a person because of their "inner beauty" at first sight.

 

[SingularityOne]

Fr Kosmas has a number of talks on marriage. When reading the Holy Fathers (this is from memory):

• Virtue over attractiveness
• The lustfulness will go away, so careful of that
• Replace "love" with "name" for ideal virtues (Sarah is kind, Sarah is long suffering... etc.): 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Married Life - Page 1 - Orthodox Talks

I’ll listen to this. Thank you.

 

[Hermit76]

I thought you already knew her internal beauty. I miss understood. Both are a factor, both the external beauty and internal.

No it's not. My perspective is different. Being pretty and good is important, no guy is going to settle down if the woman is below average looking, not even me. Beauty is a key factor for dating and getting to know someone. You don't "fall in love" with a person because of their "inner beauty" at first sight.

This is a statement full of fleshly passions. You are speaking about the creations of Christ who are icons of Him. To categorize individuals based on their appearance is a horrid judgement and betrays a low understanding of what it means to be human... especially an Orthodox human.
This whole conversation is immodest and inappropriate.

 

[ArmyMatt]

no guy is going to settle down if the woman is below average looking

really? you know that no guy has ever settled for women that are below average looking? cause I know some who have, because the women had other qualities he loved, which were far more important. I even served with some at Ft Campbell.

 

[prodromos]

really? you know that no guy has ever settled for women that are below average looking? cause I know some who have, because the women had other qualities he loved, which were far more important. I even served with some at Ft Campbell.

I don't understand the double standard he was pushing. Whatever woman chooses us is settling for someone below average.

It reminds me of the survey which found that 80% of men consider themselves better than average drivers.