How important is physical attraction when considering marriage?

[SingularityOne]

*You are in an Orthodox Forum - Orthodox Only Please*

What is the importance of physical attraction compared to personality when courting towards marriage?

I think I have too high of standards physical attraction-wise because of my past life in sin. But, I could be wrong on that.

I’m seeing someone right now and I’m trying to be rational about the process and not overthink things and self-sabotoge because of high-standards/expectations regarding physical attraction.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

There should be some. In the long run, it isn't the most important thing but there should be some present. I have personally seen problems in relationships when a person builds a relationship on spiritual ideals etc. when the attraction thing isn't there very much, and that can be very problematic.

 

[Mark Quayle]

*You are in an Orthodox Forum - Orthodox Only Please*

What is the importance of physical attraction compared to personality when courting towards marriage?

I think I have too high of standards physical attraction-wise because of my past life in sin. But, I could be wrong on that.

I’m seeing someone right now and I’m trying to be rational about the process and not overthink things and self-sabotoge because of high-standards/expectations regarding physical attraction.

As one old wise man said, it is like with becoming a pastor of a church --Don't do it unless you can't not do it.

But there are a couple I know who married because of some (apparently, at least to my mind, divination-type assessments of the will of God) married but not with physical attraction. It was devastating. Physical attraction can be a trap, but sometimes a necessary one. If love is real, hopefully the attraction will remain as love when the eyesight fades.

I'm thinking don't do something you will regret. But don't do something you will regret, either, lol. Ask God for wisdom. And take a look at her mother.

 

[SingularityOne]

There should be some. In the long run, it isn't the most important thing but there should be some present. I have personally seen problems in relationships when a person builds a relationship on spiritual ideals etc. when the attraction thing isn't there very much, and that can be very problematic.

I guess I’m wondering “how important” is physical attraction compared to other aspects? She is definetly beautiful, but idk if I’m being idealistic and OCD, lol.

 

[SingularityOne]

As one old wise man said, it is like with becoming a pastor of a church --Don't do it unless you can't not do it.

But there are a couple I know who married because of some (apparently, at least to my mind, divination-type assessments of the will of God) married but not with physical attraction. It was devastating. Physical attraction can be a trap, but sometimes a necessary one. If love is real, hopefully the attraction will remain as love when the eyesight fades.

I'm thinking don't do something you will regret. But don't do something you will regret, either, lol. Ask God for wisdom. And take a look at her mother.

It’s kinda hard because she’s definetly attractive. Just don’t know if I’m being idealistic. Trying to know the “importance hierarchy” of things considering I used to be a person who dated in a very worldly way.

 

[Mark Quayle]

It’s kinda hard because she’s definetly attractive. Just don’t know if I’m being idealistic. Trying to know the “importance hierarchy” of things considering I used to be a person who dated in a very worldly way.

Read Song of Solomon. God made 'attractive' for a reason, and for the married, for simple pure enjoyment.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

I guess I’m wondering “how important” is physical attraction compared to other aspects? She is definetly beautiful, but idk if I’m being idealistic and OCD, lol.

Well in my opinion that sounds like your set. Your getting into some diminishing returns areas here, where it would be better to think of other things like personality, and practicality and spirituality. It would be a shame to hook yourself a world class beauty, to find that outside of romance etc. that she drives you crazy and has no practical skills and has not much of a spiritual life and might even be a snare to you.

 

[SingularityOne]

Well in my opinion that sounds like your set. Your getting into some diminishing returns areas here, where it would be better to think of other things like personality, and practicality and spirituality. It would be a shame to hook yourself a world class beauty, to find that outside of romance etc. that she drives you crazy and has no practical skills and has not much of a spiritual life and might even be a snare to you.

Yeah, you’re right. This is kinda more what I’m trying to discern. The areas of attraction (physical), personality, practicality (not sure what that means if you don’t mind explaining more there), and spirituality are all four important... but in what order and what is most important hierarchically? Maybe I’m looking to systematize this too much and if so just throw some jest at me.

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

How high a standards are we talking? Maria Sharapova/Raquel Welch territory?!

 

[SingularityOne]

Read Song of Solomon. God made 'attractive' for a reason, and for the married, for simple pure enjoyment.

I agree that physical attraction is important. But, when is focusing on this to one’s detriment if more what I’m asking. I agree with you here.

 

[SingularityOne]

How high a standards are we talking? Maria Sharapova/Raquel Welch territory?!

Honestly, kinda, haha. Maybe a little lower, but not far off.

 

[mlepfitjw]

I haven’t been relationship in six years or so now.

I see it more of compatibility factor. Can you have fun together, can you love each other correctly, can you be open about yourself and your past and they be accepting and compassionate with them hearing you out, can they articulate what they are feeling in a constructive manner about problems that you both can work out together, can you trust each other completely and deeply while openly accepting each other’s faults. Same vice versa

 

[SingularityOne]

I haven’t been relationship in six years or so now.

I see it more of compatibility factor. Can you have fun together, can you love each other correctly, can you be open about yourself and your past and they be accepting and compassionate with them hearing you out, can they articulate what they are feeling in a constructive manner about problems that you both can work out together, can you trust each other completely and deeply while openly accepting each other’s faults. Same vice versa

Totally agree with all of this. Would you say physical attraction fits into this equation at all?

 

[Mark Quayle]

I agree that physical attraction is important. But, when is focusing on this to one’s detriment if more what I’m asking. I agree with you here.

I married, though my father had said, don't marry into another culture, and don't doubt she will turn into her mother. I looked at her mother and said, "no way she will look like that." I was wrong about that, and wrong to ignore the warning about culture differences.

The boy says to his father, "Dad, I learned in school today that in some cultures, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." "No, son --that's everywhere!"

 

[SingularityOne]

I married, though my father had said, don't marry into another culture, and don't doubt she will turn into her mother. I looked at her mother and said, "no way she will look like that." I was wrong about that, and wrong to ignore the warning about culture differences.

The boy says to his father, "Dad, I learned in school today that in some cultures, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her." "No, son --that's everywhere!"

We are from the same culture. No problem there. And... my mom doesn’t look like her mom... she looks more like her dad. Is this standard across the board in your experience or just your experience?

 

[mlepfitjw]

No not always

 

[mlepfitjw]

Imagine marrying a pretty girl then she gets in a wreck and then paralyzed for life or something... what you gonna do then just up and leave her? It’s why is important to find all those qualities talked about. You are gonna end up loving them no matter what happens

 

[SingularityOne]

Imagine marrying a pretty girl then she gets in a wreck and then paralyzed for life or something... what you gonna do then just up and leave her? It’s why is important to find all those qualities talked about. You are gonna end up loving them no matter what happens

I agree there. I think I put too much stock in physical attraction, but I also know it’s important to a degree. I’m trying to figure out that degree.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

Yeah, you’re right. This is kinda more what I’m trying to discern. The areas of attraction (physical), personality, practicality (not sure what that means if you don’t mind explaining more there), and spirituality are all four important... but in what order and what is most important hierarchically? Maybe I’m looking to systematize this too much and if so just throw some jest at me.

Well I will use my oldest brother Rollan as an example. He had this great girl friend Gina who our family was quite taken with, a beautiful girl, and extremely friendly to the family. You can really tell she wanted an engagement ring! She was a model, with Barbisan modeling company, but not really making much money with that. She cooked but I guess enjoyed eating out at restaurants more.

I would have been extremely happy with Gina if I was in my brother's shoes, but Rollan was very ambitious, he wanted to buy a house in only a few years after graduating from college (and really needed two good incomes to do that). And he eventually gave Gina the boot, and ended up with Suzanne who was only a little bit above average in looks, and less charming and friendly. But she had a much better job, worked as a bio tech for the city and county of San Diego water department testing the city water, and she was much more handy around the house, with cooking, gardening, repairing stuff etc.

 

[SingularityOne]

Well I will use my oldest brother Rollan as an example. He had this great girl friend Gina who our family was quite taken with, a beautiful girl, and extremely friendly to the family. You can really tell she wanted an engagement ring! She was a model, with Barbisan modeling company, but not really making much money with that. She cooked but I guess enjoyed eating out at restaurants more.

I would have been extremely happy with Gina if I was in my brother's shoes, but Rollan was very ambitious, he wanted to buy a house in only a few years after graduating from college (and really needed two good incomes to do that). And he eventually gave Gina the boot, and ended up with Suzanne who was only a little bit above average in looks, and less charming and friendly. But she had a much better job, worked as a bio tech for the city and county of San Diego water department testing the city water, and she was much more handy around the house, with cooking, gardening, repairing stuff etc.

I see. So it is up to the person’s goals for marriage as well in hearing you say here. I want (and she wants) to homeschool children in an Orthodox manner and this is priority. So that’s another thing I like about her. But, that’s not a physical attractiveness feature, haha, more family goals.