How do you cope with not seeing your kids every day?

[csqui523]

Hello,

I am in the beginning stages of a divorce. My unbelieving husband is leaving me because I am a Christian and "brainwash" our children (ages 2 1/2 and 4). My husband, who has never lifted a finger to take care of the kids until earlier this year, when all of this started, wants 50% custody. I am fighting this because I am their primary care giver and always have been. Of course, I know the kids need to spend time with their dad, but I think 50% is too much at this age. Well, he is threatening me that if I don't agree to 50% now, then he will take it to court and ask for 100%. (!) I am torn on what to do and may just have to agree to the 50%.

Anyway, my question is: how do you cope not seeing your kids every day? I just can't imagine it and whenever I think about it, I feel like I'll fall apart. I also imagine their little faces asking Daddy why he's taking them away from their Mommy. It breaks my heart. There aren't actually any words that can describe how I feel, but I'm sure a lot of you can sympathize.

Do you have any suggestions? I am praying every day for my heart to be strengthened to deal with this, and for the kids little minds and hearts to be protected throughout this ordeal. I am also praying for my husband's heart to be softened towards the kids and myself, as I feel like he's just doing this to hurt me. I don't what I would do on evenings when they're not with me. The last time I was alone like that was when I was in college!!! And I'm certainly not going back to that lifestyle!

For those of you who have been through this, or are currently going through this, what words of advice and support could you give me? I have no family here and only a few friends, and only one of them has ever been through a divorce.

Thank you so much!
Cindy

 

[McScribe]

First of all hold fast to your faith. Be glad for the time you have with them. I'm wondering how he will have them 50%?How old are they?

As a stepparrent I lost them altogether, and so i ended up moving away. I hear from one of them every couple of months. It's harder to lose them altogether.

Talk to a lawyer and be surre of your rights. Praying for you.

 

[Conservativation]

Actually Im a huge supporter of 50/50 custody, if there are no major issues and both parents are capable. I dislike the idea of kids asking that question about either parent. That he is filing divorce id disturbing, over such a thing....this is actually his reason for divorcing?

 

[csqui523]

My son is 2 1/2, and my daughter just turned 4.

Yes, as shocking as that seems, his reason for divorce is because I'm a christian. His goal when we were going to counselling was that I become an atheist. I go to church on Sundays and take the kids with me. I also go on Wednesday nights alone. He says he's afraid the kids will call him one day from a compound somewhere. Or that when they're 18, they'll ask himwhy he didn't save them from being brainwashed. And yes, he's serious. I havebeen a christian since we got married andhave never forced my religion on him much less talked about it unless he asked. We've been married almost six years, together for eight.

 

[McScribe]

Will the kids have adequate care and does he love them and try to do his best with them? Be honest with yourself about it. If you can think about it from their point of view, find a model for a parenting agreement that supports the best situation for the kids. Make sure your lawyer can reinforce a good situation for them, from meals to any care provided to bedtime. If you honestly and objectively, leaving yourself out of it, can see it as being okay for them, then that should not be a concern.

However the reasoning behind the divorce sounds silly. Ask for a trial separation, let him have his space, and let him possibly see that you accept his views on raising the kids as being his. Maybe compromise is possible.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I have 50/50 custody with my ex and I hate it. At the time I thought it would be best for our daughter to spend equal amounts of time with each of us...but that's turned out to not be the case. He's hardly ever around her, she stays with his parents all of the time and never gets any discipline over there. When she comes back to my house it takes 2 days to get her behavior back on track. I also feel like they try to buy her love because they have more money to throw around on new games and toys for her than I do. She's 5, she doesn't understand that mommy doesn't make as much and that I work hard to feed and clothe her.

Honestly, I don't know a judge in the country that would give him full custody, not because your ex husband is a bad person, but simply because you're the mother and the court almost always favors the mother. If you truly want to fight the 50/50 then I say go ahead. Get a good lawyer..no one will take your kids from you, especially since they're so young. I wish I had been smarter when I was going through what you are now.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

I've just discovered this part of CF. So sad. I looked all over for it and didn't see it.

So if you are still reading ...

My faith has increased tremendously since last year. I don't know if that's why I am going through divorce but I will tell you it has made a difference. I have had to put my kids in God's hands and trust that He will take care of them when I can't be there.

My ex was also one that was never involved in the kid's lives until the separation. Then he started popping in at school and showing himself about town doing 'fatherly' things. I found out later that his lawyer advised him to do these things.

I do know that where I live, they don't let children under 5 spend as much time away from the mother as they do older children. I was asking my lawyer about this because my kids were gone for a week at the time during the summer. My little one turned 5 in July. She said the judges wait until they are 5 to give the father a full week with the kids. So you might have something to go on there.

And like Crystal said, it is doubtful that even if he files for full custody that he will ever get it unless he can prove you unfit. I have heard that one of the judges in our circut will give the father extra time rather than standard visitation IF he asks for full custody. If you don't want to do the 50/50, get a good lawyer (file contested which will cost more) and fight it. It's doubtful that your ex will want to go to court over this. And if he does things that are harmful to the children, document it. I can't stress this enough.

Feel free to PM me. I have been there, done that, and got a closet full of tee shirts. I know more about divorce than I ever wanted to know.

 

[Cute Tink]

I also have 50/50 custody and I also hate it. I would love to take my kids 100% of the time, but I have yet to have a reason (with evidence) that the court will go for. It was hardest when I was alone while they were with their mom. It can be hard to get a change in custody after a court order unless the issue is serious.

The best thing I can recommend for you is to get a set schedule for the kids. They need the stability of knowing when they will be with which parent at least.

As the mother, you should have an easier time in court getting at least 50/50 custody. Courts don't usually like taking kids away from mom. Easier for them to order them away from dad. He will have an uphill battle getting more than that. Make sure you are stable, have a decent place for them to live and the ability to provide plenty of food and whatnot. As long as you do that, 50/50 custody should be a pretty simple fight for you. You will probably get more if you can provide some evidence of instability on his part.

 

[JanniGirl]

I believe in most cases 50/50 is fair and in the best interest of the kids. There are 2 parents and children need both of their parents. Ideally this would take place in a married household, but obviously that isn't the case for alot of us. We have to make do with the 50% of the time given to us. It's also great to note that as kids grow and become involved in outside activities (sports, etc), there's nothing barring the non-custodial parent for that day from attending the activity and getting a few minutes of face-time with their child.

It is a very hard thing to think about though, going from 100% to 50%.

 

[BigDaddy4]

I may be facing this dilema soon. I would love 50/50, as right now I am unemployed. But I have a couple of real good job prospects that would require me to work full time. My wife does not work and has cared for our children full time for the last 8 years or so.

My question on the 50/50 split is, how do you manage that when working full-time? There are school schedules, after school activities, etc. to get them to.

If my wife and I split up, it would be easier if she got them to school, etc. and I get some evenings plus every other weekend with them. I just would not have the job flexibility to both send them off to school and be there when they get home. Before and/or after school care would just add to the expense when my wife could do it for free.

Any insights or comments on how the 50/50 would work for at least one full-time working parent??

 

[Cute Tink]

In my case, we take the kids to school on our days and pick them up on our days. We both work full time as does my wife, and the kids go after school to the local Boys and Girls club to make up the difference between when school is out until we each get off work to pick them up. On days when there are after school activities, we do the best we can to get them there as time permits.

And when there are activities on days when they are with their mom, I pretty much have to make arrangements to take them myself, or my mom does if she is the one who wants them to go.

 

[JanniGirl]

Big D,

Are you assuming that your wife (maybe soon to be ex) won't be getting a job? Are you prepared to fully support financially, two households?

Divorced people are poorer people than they were when they were married simply because it costs more to have two homes (whether you are renting or buying) and the expenses that go along with that. I suspect that your wife would have to get a job and at least partially support herself.

This means that both of you would be working, potentially full-time. Most people that I know who are in this situation utilize early drop offs for school and some sort of after school program if other family members (like grandparents) aren't available to help.

If I have my kids one day, I pick them up from school (after school care) and drop them off at school the next morning prior to work. My ex then picks them up from school that day and drops them off the next, etc. We do an every other day and every other weekend deal. I have Tue/Thur and he has Mon/Wed and we alternate Fri/Sat/Sun. We do this year-round. We also have a holiday schedule with rotating holidays based on even/odd years.

 

[BigDaddy4]

Big D,

Are you assuming that your wife (maybe soon to be ex) won't be getting a job? Are you prepared to fully support financially, two households?

Divorced people are poorer people than they were when they were married simply because it costs more to have two homes (whether you are renting or buying) and the expenses that go along with that. I suspect that your wife would have to get a job and at least partially support herself.

This means that both of you would be working, potentially full-time. Most people that I know who are in this situation utilize early drop offs for school and some sort of after school program if other family members (like grandparents) aren't available to help.

If I have my kids one day, I pick them up from school (after school care) and drop them off at school the next morning prior to work. My ex then picks them up from school that day and drops them off the next, etc. We do an every other day and every other weekend deal. I have Tue/Thur and he has Mon/Wed and we alternate Fri/Sat/Sun. We do this year-round. We also have a holiday schedule with rotating holidays based on even/odd years.

Janni,

Good questions to which I don't have any answers yet. As long as I am unemployed, I will just stick it out I guess. Or move in with my parents for free. Or see if someone from our church has some extra room. However, I have a few job possibilities and that income would allow for some flexibility.

My wife has talked about getting a job, but it's been all talk so far. Like so many other things, her words don't align with her actions.

She has child support for 2 of the kids from her previous marriage (or is supposed to be receiving some - she doesn't share with me how much she is receiving and he just got back to work after about 8 months of unemployment), so she has some outside income. Right now, I'm just trying work through some thing in the theater of my mind.

After this weekend I will be examining in more detail the costs involved and what to do next. I just know that something has to change...

 

[Morgan Ashekian]

Hello,

I am in the beginning stages of a divorce. My unbelieving husband is leaving me because I am a Christian and "brainwash" our children (ages 2 1/2 and 4). My husband, who has never lifted a finger to take care of the kids until earlier this year, when all of this started, wants 50% custody. I am fighting this because I am their primary care giver and always have been. Of course, I know the kids need to spend time with their dad, but I think 50% is too much at this age. Well, he is threatening me that if I don't agree to 50% now, then he will take it to court and ask for 100%. (!) I am torn on what to do and may just have to agree to the 50%.

Anyway, my question is: how do you cope not seeing your kids every day? I just can't imagine it and whenever I think about it, I feel like I'll fall apart. I also imagine their little faces asking Daddy why he's taking them away from their Mommy. It breaks my heart. There aren't actually any words that can describe how I feel, but I'm sure a lot of you can sympathize.

Do you have any suggestions? I am praying every day for my heart to be strengthened to deal with this, and for the kids little minds and hearts to be protected throughout this ordeal. I am also praying for my husband's heart to be softened towards the kids and myself, as I feel like he's just doing this to hurt me. I don't what I would do on evenings when they're not with me. The last time I was alone like that was when I was in college!!! And I'm certainly not going back to that lifestyle!

For those of you who have been through this, or are currently going through this, what words of advice and support could you give me? I have no family here and only a few friends, and only one of them has ever been through a divorce.

Thank you so much!
Cindy

 

[Morgan Ashekian]

I am in a very very similar situation. Let me know if we can talk!

 

[JAM2b]

I have experienced this for about 11 years. To answer your question, make yourself busy.

Work extra hours, take up an additional temporary part-time job during lengthy visits, or start your own side business. As a single parent, the more money you have coming in, the better it will be for your children and yourself. Enjoy the savings you will have while your ex is feeding and sheltering your kids because it can give you some breathing room for when you are providing for them. It can also help prepare you financially for when your kids are grown if you have a low wage job. Child support doesn't last forever.

Develop your own interests and who you are as a person. Take advantage of down time and personal time. Spend time with friends that you do have, and make new friends. Realize that you exist as person outside of motherhood.

Spend time planning ahead for time that you will have with your kids. Organize and declutter your life so that you can use the time with your kids at an optimal level.

These things are not selfish, these things are important to your sanity and financial well being. The better off you are as an individual person, the better parent you can be. Plus, you aren't going to be raising your kids forever. They will grow up and go away. You have to have a life after kids. Start developing it now.

 

[JAM2b]

This book was a lifesaver for me. It is written by a Christian.

https://www.amazon.com/Single-Parenting-That-Works-Single-Parent/dp/1414303351