How do some people have kids when it's such a coin toss?

[Far Side Of the Moon]

I've always said I didn't want kids and I feel that way for multiple reasons. For one, health issues like cancer run on my dads side and mental illness like schizophrenia runs on my moms side and I my Self have anxiety...

And I always said , I don't ever want a miniature version of me to have to go through that...its hellish.

Plus, this world isn't as good as id like it to be, I'm not strong enough to handle something happening to my child...I'm just not...

And I also think, I want my child to be better than me in everyway, I want them to feel good about themselves, not be weighed down by anxiety, have a full life...but it may not be possible if they share my genes..

Then there's physical deformities and ailments...

Some may think this is a cynical way of thinking.,,but I feel its considering the whole spectrum of what having a child may entail. You don't know if they'll come out healthy or not, you don't know if they'll be mentally well or not..

But I think these two are the biggest issue for me, one...raising them to be a productive member of society...I'm 25 and am barely doing that myself...so I couldn't imagine showing someone else..someone smaller the way... And secondly, postpartum... I already have anxiety and depression.,,I've always felt that in an alternate universe ..if I were to get pregnant...it would mak3 me go down the rabbit hole by making my symptoms worse,,,

That does it for me the most..

But yeah....I feel like I'm the only one that considers these things...
Not saying its wrong to have kids but most people think its all sunshine and joy sparkles,.,.and its not...at least not all the time.

I still believe Children are a gift from God though....

So what made you take that leap of faith if you have kids or are going to have kids..

 

[HawgWyld]

I've always suggested that people should be sure before they start having children. I have two of them -- 20-years-old and 16-years-old -- and learned that my life wasn't exactly mine for a couple of decades. That is fine with me and I have never regretted having children, but they do require quite a commitment. I am glad I had two great children with a woman to whom I am still married and adore and believe our kids made our little family complete.

The real heartbreak, I've learned, is when they become adults. My 20-year-old son is about to marry a complete and total dingbat and there's nothing I can do about it but give my opinion and then respect his decision -- he is an adult, after all. That's the most painful experience so far, honestly -- watching someone I care deeply about streaking toward doing something that I am convinced will bring him nothing but aggravation and realizing there's nothing I can do to stop it. It was easier when he was, say, five-years-old -- "Don't do that, son" was all I had to say and I had the authority to back it up. I don't have that authority anymore and it is a hard thing to realize.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

And secondly, postpartum...

This is quite common and well known,
and the reason is also well known.
Thus, the prevention and the treatments are well known.
See?
If it was unknown, that would be a different story.
Mom's groups may a good place to start research for this.
So much they know, have learned first hand, and can help with.

 

[blackribbon]

I married a man who I knew both wanted kids and would have loved his kids unconditionally even if they came out green or had three arms. It made it easier to go through all those scary thoughts (and yes, most people have them) while trusting God to not give me more than I could handle. I always wanted kids and to be a mom, so it was an easy decision for me once I found a man I could trust and depend on. It is an individual decision and it is okay if you decide that you don't want to be a mother.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

I married a man who I knew both wanted kids and would have loved his kids unconditionally even if they came out green or had three arms. It made it easier to go through all those scary thoughts (and yes, most people have them) while trusting God to not give me more than I could handle. I always wanted kids and to be a mom, so it was an easy decision for me once I found a man I could trust and depend on. It is an individual decision and it is okay if you decide that you don't want to be a mother.

I'm not sure yet...80% of me is saying no right now though.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

How about foster parenting?
adoption?
mentoring a child/being a Big Sister?
There's children of all ages who stand in need of having a loving family.

 

[Galatea]

I don't have children yet, but would like to be a mother if God allows- whether through biological means or through adoption.

I have doubts because of illness in my family, but interacting with my nephews and niece and how beautifully adjusted they are gives me great hope. I'm a sincere believer in nurture over nature. When children have good parents, they almost always turn out well.

If you decide you want to have children, find a man who wants to have children too.

Don't worry too much. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.

 

[Sammy-San]

How about foster parenting?
adoption?
mentoring a child/being a Big Sister?
There's children of all ages who stand in need of having a loving family.

What do you mean by being a big sister?

 

[Sammy-San]

I don't have children yet, but would like to be a mother if God allows- whether through biological means or through adoption.

I have doubts because of illness in my family, but interacting with my nephews and niece and how beautifully adjusted they are gives me great hope. I'm a sincere believer in nurture over nature. When children have good parents, they almost always turn out well.

If you decide you want to have children, find a man who wants to have children too.

Don't worry too much. Sufficient to the day is the evil thereof.

Some people don't want kids because they don't like the idea of being pregnant.

Also, random question-do you believe nurturing is a feminine quality?

 

[timewerx]

The real heartbreak, I've learned, is when they become adults. My 20-year-old son is about to marry a complete and total dingbat and there's nothing I can do about it but give my opinion and then respect his decision -- he is an adult, after all.

Sorry to hear.

I could honestly say that I did not become an adult (in how I think, make decisions, etc) until past my thirties. Even though I aced all my psych exams in my twenties.

Quite frankly, how society dictates our attitudes towards our children has severe flaws and wish we could have done more.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

What do you mean by being a big sister?

Big Brothers Big Sisters of America

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Big Brothers Big Sisters of America

Been around a long time...I did that when I was in my twenties and thirties.

 

[blackribbon]

It is a combination of nurture and nature....there are things that you just can't love out of a child...and a bad parent can cause things to happen to what should have been a normal child.

Honestly, to foster or adopt a child is just as much of a crap shoot and often they have had traumas that need a lot of love and patients to overcome.

 

[Paidiske]

So what made you take that leap of faith if you have kids or are going to have kids..

I had a lot of similar reservations. I could see all of the things that would be hard and could go wrong. I was reluctant. But it was important, like REALLY important, to my husband, so... we have a daughter.

And you know what? I was so right. It has been hard, and disruptive, and our daughter has autism so we have our own dose of special needs to manage too.

But I also did not know how good the good things would be. I didn't know what it would be like to love my child, or to be loved back by her; to delight in her and celebrate every bit of progress; to be impatient to see what kind of woman she grows into.

So in some ways I saw all the negatives but didn't understand the positives, and that's let the joy be the surprise (which is probably easier than thinking it will be all rainbows and glitter and being surprised by the hard things).

I do remember, in the very early days, when we were woken for the umpteenth time one night and I was struggling to get her to feed, my poor rather harassed looking husband saying, "I didn't think it would be like this!" And me having to fight the urge to throw something at him and scream, "Well, what did you think it would be like, then?!" (It's funny now... it wasn't funny at the time!)

As for PND, you just don't know how you'll go till you're there. Think and plan ahead and have supports in place, but you might be surprised. I had terrible depression while I was pregnant, but once she was born, I actually did pretty well.

 

[Tolworth John]

How do people have kids? It is a mixture of wanting/not being bothered and being fertile.
Certainly it is something you and any long term boyfriend should talk about and once married talk about even more.

My wife and I agreed not to try for children for at least two years. To give us time to get use to being married. Every month for two years my wife sobbed on my shoulder because she wasn't pregnant and I wasn't surprised to discover this is quite common.

We are all governed by our hormones far more than we think.

 

[geiroffenberg]

dont worry about health problems, just dont marry your cousine and it will be fine. We shouldt let fear decide our lives, God is perfectly able to give you healthy kids. that is if you want kids. If not, be honest about it.

 

[MotherFirefly]

If you enjoy having time, friends, and money, then yes children are not for you.
However, if you do have a child, you also will never regret it. It is an odd feeling to describe, as there is nothing like it, but being a mother is the most amazing and also the hardest thing that's ever happened to me.
My little sour patch kids are my entire life, for better and for worse - we share emotions and curiosity, discovery and dissapointment. Sometimes I feel like a kid again myself when we embark on the most serious of missions to find our socks - or I question my entire life when I am chasing one around to get a strawberry out of his nose...

Watching them grow up (so fast!) is as beautiful as it is heartbreaking.
Parenting may not be for everyone, I understand that. However, I swear you'll never ride a crazier ride, nor will you ever know a greater feeling of earthly responsibility and love.

 

[A_Thinker]

I've always said I didn't want kids and I feel that way for multiple reasons. For one, health issues like cancer run on my dads side and mental illness like schizophrenia runs on my moms side and I my Self have anxiety...

And I always said , I don't ever want a miniature version of me to have to go through that...its hellish.

Plus, this world isn't as good as id like it to be, I'm not strong enough to handle something happening to my child...I'm just not...

And I also think, I want my child to be better than me in everyway, I want them to feel good about themselves, not be weighed down by anxiety, have a full life...but it may not be possible if they share my genes..

Then there's physical deformities and ailments...

Some may think this is a cynical way of thinking.,,but I feel its considering the whole spectrum of what having a child may entail. You don't know if they'll come out healthy or not, you don't know if they'll be mentally well or not..

But I think these two are the biggest issue for me, one...raising them to be a productive member of society...I'm 25 and am barely doing that myself...so I couldn't imagine showing someone else..someone smaller the way... And secondly, postpartum... I already have anxiety and depression.,,I've always felt that in an alternate universe ..if I were to get pregnant...it would mak3 me go down the rabbit hole by making my symptoms worse,,,

That does it for me the most..

But yeah....I feel like I'm the only one that considers these things...
Not saying its wrong to have kids but most people think its all sunshine and joy sparkles,.,.and its not...at least not all the time.

I still believe Children are a gift from God though....

So what made you take that leap of faith if you have kids or are going to have kids..

I really never wanted to have children. I always kind of felt that there are plenty of children in the world, and that I didn't need to add to the pot.

My mother always attributed my apparently deliberate childlessness to the fact that I am the oldest of (6), and many times I was left with the responsibility for my younger siblings for a few hours as my parents needed.

There are no particular genetic predispositions I was concerned about ... I just didn't want to feel responsibility for a new generation.

Nevertheless, I have been involved in various children's lives (including my step-children) and have had stints as Youth directors and mentor, and participated in a childrens' educational program for at least 25 years. People were often surprised to hear that I didn't particularly desire to have my own children. They typically said that they thought that I would make a great father.

Children are a blessing, ... but lay claim to your life in significant ways. We are in the midst of a struggle with my youngest adult stepson even today, ... in a situation which only seems to go from bad to worse.

My very successful older step-son (unmarried and childless) says that "children are a roll of the dice ... you never know what you're going to get ... "

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not desiring to have kids, though plenty of people who have them never gave it a second thought.

Like anything else in life, ... it is ultimately a faith-walk.

That said, ... I would think long and hard about bringing children into the world today. We are, decidedly, a post-Christian society today. There are just so many challenges out there now.

 

[devin553344]

I've always said I didn't want kids and I feel that way for multiple reasons. For one, health issues like cancer run on my dads side and mental illness like schizophrenia runs on my moms side and I my Self have anxiety...

And I always said , I don't ever want a miniature version of me to have to go through that...its hellish.

Plus, this world isn't as good as id like it to be, I'm not strong enough to handle something happening to my child...I'm just not...

And I also think, I want my child to be better than me in everyway, I want them to feel good about themselves, not be weighed down by anxiety, have a full life...but it may not be possible if they share my genes..

Then there's physical deformities and ailments...

Some may think this is a cynical way of thinking.,,but I feel its considering the whole spectrum of what having a child may entail. You don't know if they'll come out healthy or not, you don't know if they'll be mentally well or not..

But I think these two are the biggest issue for me, one...raising them to be a productive member of society...I'm 25 and am barely doing that myself...so I couldn't imagine showing someone else..someone smaller the way... And secondly, postpartum... I already have anxiety and depression.,,I've always felt that in an alternate universe ..if I were to get pregnant...it would mak3 me go down the rabbit hole by making my symptoms worse,,,

That does it for me the most..

But yeah....I feel like I'm the only one that considers these things...
Not saying its wrong to have kids but most people think its all sunshine and joy sparkles,.,.and its not...at least not all the time.

I still believe Children are a gift from God though....

So what made you take that leap of faith if you have kids or are going to have kids..

I tend to agree with you on that. I have schizophrenia and have two children that my ex wife doesn't want me to be part of their lives and the court supports her in it because of my mental disability. My sister on the other hand has a daughter and is schizophrenic and didn't get to raise her either, but my Dad raised her and she gets to see her and be part of her life and she's happy about it.

My story is that it would have been better if I didn't decide to have children, and my sister is that she's happy, but it is pathetic for her. The rule I go by is that if you cannot take care of the children then you shouldn't attempt to have them.

Now that said, I love my children and miss them, and definitely will not be allowed to see them until they are 18, and then I did raise them till they were 2, and could have raised them, but my ex said I was dangerous because I was schizophrenic, and so the courts maintained restraining orders till they were 8.

We had an argument and my ex was screaming at me, so I turned the other way and broke some dishes in the kitchen at which point she said I was a loser and took the kids and got a restraining order. After that I had little and then no contact with the children. She took the children to two other states and disappeared amidst the restraining orders.

So what I guess I'm saying is, don't let anyone push you into having children especially if you feel it's not a good idea for you.

My ex demanded to have children, and when I gave in, we had to go thru $25,000 in IVF treatments just to have them, and now I don't get to even see them.

So I think my story is a testament to what the OP is stating.

 

[381465]

I was a lot more nervous about having children than my wife was.
I didn't like the thought of being responsible for something so helpless in a bad world....yeah, I have some control issues.

As always, my wife was right.

Married 25 years with 2 teenagers that medical science said we shouldn't have.

Daughter is a cynical introvert like me. Son is loveable outward goofball like my wife.

Some hard times, but I feel almost obligated to have and raise kids. When I look at how bad the wored is getting and how increasingly irresponsible and unaccountable people are becoming...leaders will be needed.