How do SAHM's and SAHD's find self-esteem?

[Fantine]

Yes I was a SAHM for years...and once I had my oldest child, my husband's job was always much more lucrative than any of my endeavors (mostly involving writing and music).

And I think that to an extent I found my self-esteem running organizations and being super-volunteer. I think this can happen with SAHD's, too, or Dads whose wives earn much more than they do.

I knew one SAHD who had a big garden, renovated his house, baked his own pies, and budgeted down to pennies. He made the rest of us feel so insecure....

So just throwing out the question: Are many SAHM's and SAHD's (or secondary-income moms and dads) trying to find their identities in unpaid work--in church, in children's activities, and even online?

 

[Paidiske]

I've noticed a shift in my husband since he's been the primary carer (he still works two days a week, but of the two of us he's closer to a SAHP than I am). He's more proactive, more willing to organise big things, and yeah, probably more invested in finding his identity in that kind of way. He's been working on two novels he hopes to have published at some point. (I've read one; it's not bad!) He's taken on being treasurer for his church, and building a new website for mine. And he said something the other day about offering to moderate an online forum (not this one!)

Now I'm sure that's partly just about having time to do things he couldn't do when he was working full time, but I think there's been an attitude shift too; that some of these things are more worth investing his energy into than he might have thought, before.

When I was a SAHP I was a student, too, so that was a whole different dynamic...

 

[MustardSeeed]

@ImAllLikeOkWaitWhat

*cough cough*
Anything to add?

 

[mina]

Interesting question . I've had a career , made money with hobbies as well, owned a house, lived on my own before I ever met my husband and became a mom. I feel I have self esteem already. I was constantly having to prove myself as a single woman in a community where it was seen as a bad thing to be single over 25. So, I don't really tie my self esteem or fulfillment to a job or tasks in the community , or money earned. I just try to take care of my family and kids at home each day. I am enjoying it. I continue to try to make my hobbies a small business type thing. I don't feel defined by mom hood or by having a career or being a full time volunteer . I don't know if that makes sense? I try to enjoy whatever I am doing no matter the stage. I know who I am and am okay with it no matter if I am working or am at home with kids while my husband works outside the home. My situation has changed drastically in just a few years time and I didn't feel any loss of self or depression or anything like that at all.

 

[Fantine]

Because my husband has been retired for four years while i'm still working the situation is different now.

Of course he still has a bigger income than I do, even in retirement. Maximum Social Security, a pension, a VA disability, an IRA that makes mine laughable. But I have given him lots of good advice that have helped our resources grow, while making a few mistakes of course as well.

He would like me to retire, but I kind of like being out in the world. I am an extrovert and a doer. I know I would be just as involved in the community.

 

[MustardSeeed]

@ImAllLikeOkWaitWhat

*cough cough*
Anything to add?

@ImAllLikeOkWaitWhat

 

[MustardSeeed]

I aspire to be a SAHM

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

@ImAllLikeOkWaitWhat

*cough cough*
Anything to add?

Uh since you leave me no choice but to say something, yeah I got something to add. And it won't be adding money to the family, but love, and baby hugs, and pies, and other baked yummies the kids will love. I cook, I clean, I do whats expected of a man. And the wife takes care of the bills. Thats the modern world we live in today. Some may call it a slight role reversal, I call it ain't nobody hiring nowadays, so I leave it up to the ladies to pay the bills. So there you have it.

 

[MustardSeeed]

Uh since you leave me no choice but to say something, yeah I got something to add. And it won't be adding money to the family, but love, and baby hugs, and pies, and other baked yummies the kids will love. I cook, I clean, I do whats expected of a man. And the wife takes care of the bills. Thats the modern world we live in today. Some may call it a slight role reversal, I call it ain't nobody hiring nowadays, so I leave it up to the ladies to pay the bills. So there you have it.

Hahahah! I'm just joshing you. I just thought it was funny because you just said you wanted to be a SAHD and then someone made a post about it

I'll agree with you when you start lactating

 

[Paidiske]

Hey, don't knock the stay at home dads! A supportive spouse is a rare, precious and wonderful thing!

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Hey, don't knock the stay at home dads! A supportive spouse is a rare, precious and wonderful thing!

Amen sista! We need more women like you in this world!

 

[MustardSeeed]

Hey, don't knock the stay at home dads! A supportive spouse is a rare, precious and wonderful thing!

I'm not! I just think it's odd but I have no judgement towards SAHD's. To each their own.

Amen sista! We need more women like you in this world!

I used to think that there was nothing harder than finding a Christian man with the same views as me but I think finding the family dynamic you want is harder

The world needs women like me too cuckoo

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I'm not! I just think it's odd but I have no judgement towards SAHD's. To each their own.



I used to think that there was nothing harder than finding a Christian man with the same views as me but I think finding the family dynamic you want is harder

The world needs women like me too cuckoo

Theres nothing odd at all about a stay at home dad.

Theres no reason you can't have a stay at home dad, and stay at home mom together okay. It's called welfare, obama phones, section 8, and food stamps for a reason. Plenty of people make it work, no reason to not take whats available. I mean are we really going to go through this world thinking we are too good for these things? I think not! Humble thyself before thy lord thy God!

 

[MustardSeeed]

Theres no reason you can't have a stay at home dad, and stay at home mom together okay.

I thought we were talking about working moms and SAHD's? Not two parents staying home?

It's called welfare, obama phones, section 8, and food stamps for a reason.

That's a great plan

Plenty of people make it work, no reason to not take whats available. I mean are we really going to go through this world thinking we are too good for these things?

Too good for what things?

I think not! Humble thyself before thy lord thy God!

That's exactly what I'm doing. Are you offended?

 

[Paidiske]

I used to think that there was nothing harder than finding a Christian man with the same views as me but I think finding the family dynamic you want is harder

I think the thing about family dynamics - no matter how you start out - is that they change. Someone loses a job, the other one can get employed faster... the balance shifts. And later something else happens and it shifts again. To some extent we can position ourselves for what we want, but I think we also need to be prepared to be flexible, and able to be creative and try a range of things.

 

[MustardSeeed]

I think the thing about family dynamics - no matter how you start out - is that they change. Someone loses a job, the other one can get employed faster... the balance shifts. And later something else happens and it shifts again. To some extent we can position ourselves for what we want, but I think we also need to be prepared to be flexible, and able to be creative and try a range of things.

No, I honestly agree. Nothing is set in stone. I may not completely understand the dynamic but I am fully aware and understand that it works for some people. I also understand that sometimes what we plan doesn't always come through but I'd like to think that God will make things work out if it's according to His will. Children need their mother and father at the end of the day so I guess it starts there.

 

[Fantine]

I was happy to be a SAHM (and since my three children were 13 years apart, I was primarily home for quite awhile). When my youngest was born, we had an eleven year ordeal with the job market where we moved to other states 4 times, so I never really had much of a chance to gain momentum, even if I had wanted to. Just getting everyone settled and adjusted and moved took a good year.

But while I liked being a SAHM, I always had some creative outlets on the side, and I was always active in the community. I was really good at the emotional job of being a mom, but I never really was the Suzy Homemaker type.

My mother had been in her thirties when she had her three children, and my grandparents lived with us. She kept working, and until my grandmother died when I was sixteen, I often felt like she was my mother figure more than my real mother was. She was like a much older child of my grandma. After my grandmother died, my mother came home from work one night and sat to watch the 6 p.m. news. She'd always done it with my grandma, and they would have wine coolers (Roma port with lots of seltzer.) She crumpled up and started crying and said, "Who's going to take care of me now?" I thought, "You? What about us?"

So yeah, being a SAHM was important to me, and fortunately I came of age in the 1970's when there were a lot more of us.

 

[MustardSeeed]

I was happy to be a SAHM (and since my three children were 13 years apart, I was primarily home for quite awhile). When my youngest was born, we had an eleven year ordeal with the job market where we moved to other states 4 times, so I never really had much of a chance to gain momentum, even if I had wanted to. Just getting everyone settled and adjusted and moved took a good year.

But while I liked being a SAHM, I always had some creative outlets on the side, and I was always active in the community. I was really good at the emotional job of being a mom, but I never really was the Suzy Homemaker type.

Well that's the most important part being a good Mom. Now I guess when it comes to homemaking I would like to think I have an eye for it but who knows

My mother had been in her thirties when she had her three children, and my grandparents lived with us. She kept working, and until my grandmother died when I was sixteen, I often felt like she was my mother figure more than my real mother was.

That interesting. I've heard similar stories and I know a lot of people consider their grandparents to be their real parents. As mother's day just passed I was thinking about all the awesome grandmothers out there. If it wasn't for my grandmother I wouldn't have been a Christian today so they definitely are special

She was like a much older child of my grandma. After my grandmother died, my mother came home from work one night and sat to watch the 6 p.m. news. She'd always done it with my grandma, and they would have wine coolers (Roma port with lots of seltzer.) She crumpled up and started crying and said, "Who's going to take care of me now?" I thought, "You? What about us?"

Awe that's so sad! That just shows that we need our mothers at any age

So yeah, being a SAHM was important to me, and fortunately I came of age in the 1970's when there were a lot more of us.

It's important to me too and I wish things were different in our society

 

[Paidiske]

Happy birthday, Fantine!

I think - just from observation - being a SAHM is quite possible for a lot of women. And I don't want to sound like I'm knocking it if it's truly what you want and what works for you. What I tend to think, though, is that we all need to make sure that if things change (husband dies or is injured or unemployed or whatever) that we can change too. So it's fine not to work for a while, but put yourself in a position that if you needed to, you could, sort of thing.

 

[Chaplain David]

I completed a military career prior to getting sick and my wife started from low on the totem pole and worked her way up the promotion ladder of her career. So I've been a Stay at home husband for a long time. I've hardly regretted it and get a lot out of what I do around the house, shopping, etc. But one place that's always filled my cup is CF. I work with a great group of people, enjoy what I do here and enjoy trying to help others.

I wish I had more energy so I could do more around the house but we've been pulling together for a long time and it's second nature.

I've enjoyed reading everyone's posts. God bless.