How do I walk away?

[Kit Sigmon]

I have been the primary caregiver to my elderly parents for last 12 yrs or so. My siblings won't help me, and I've come to terms with that. One of my siblings calls our parents constantly to talk, and somehow was given Power of Attorney, and I did not know about this for 10 years. Recently I found out that my parents also sold their home to my sister for One Dollar.

Listen, I've been through this... I have two siblings and if it wasn't for the fact that my mom's last home was a rental apartment (she'd of given it to my oldest brother).
Like you, I was the primary caregiver for my mom...but I did it because that's the area I'm gifted in and I wanted to honor the Lord etc.
I didn't go in expecting my mom to reward me for caring for her.
I did what scripture says to do...look after my parents/honor them etc.
I know my older siblings...if they'd do anything contrary to what I've witnessed from them ever since my childhood on up...I'd faint dead way!

Behind my back...my older brother would get mom's insurance money,
it's not much...I found that out like a year after it'd be arranged, my
mom admitted it to me when I came across the paperwork when I was
cleaning her bedroom, sorting through boxes etc.

The cash in her checking account- half went to my middle brother and the other half went to the nursing home that she went into in 2015...I got her photos.
My older brother had POA...I took over and got continual POA when he failed to uphold his duties as laid out in the POA in my former home state.
I held him accountable to the duties stated in the POA, if your sibling isn't doing her duties, then hold her accountable.

If my sister won't help me out with taking them to medical appointments and procedures, and just checking on them, then why was she given all the power to make decisions if something happens to them? And why in the world was it a secret?
You know your family...just like I know mine...be honest with yourself,
I had to do that concerning my own mom and siblings.

I want to walk away even though so far I'm the only one making the trips to take care of them. I feel uneasy about how these things were done behind my back. I would have been a supportive participant if only I had been included in the discussion. It's crazy. Also my sister has a tendency to go into rages and use abusive language toward me as well as lie to me, so right now we aren't speaking. I just want to walk away. I'm a Christian, and I feel guilty but I also feel a sudden need to protect myself; my heart and mind from a hurt that is bound to come.

Any advice? I am consumed with this to the point of depression.

Choose to help your parents because it's needed and you honor the Lord
and His Word...and that you're able to...if you aren't able, then let it be known
that you can no longer help out.
Take care that you don't over burden yourself.

You have a lifetime of being in your family an you know by now how things are...
it's not always fair, nice or easy. I know the same about my family.

I told my mom a LONG time ago not to worry and that I would take care of her...
at the time, I was playing on the wrought iron railing that separated the livingroom from the kitchen area...my mom was cooking...I was probably nine years old then.
I never forgot what I said or what I was doing... Inwardly I felt the Lord assuring me that He'd do the same for me.
And He has/and is, it's been several decades since I was nine and I have a long record of events that show that God has been faithful and has helped me forgive an overcome many injustices and trials I have faced in life.

My mom is broke and all she has to leave me is her Bible...but my heavenly Father has everything and provides for all my needs. He's even sent "little birds" to
feed me, sent strangers to bestow financial blessings and even had some of
them to make return visits. I don't know their names but they heard about the struggles and found their way to my door nonetheless.

My siblings plot and scheme...always looking out for themselves and ways to
line their own pockets...I've known this since I was a young girl and it's been
like that for decades....but...
I did get to faint, my middle brother did start stepping up several years ago and visits mom and doing a few things for her...me and my husband have been praying for both of my siblings for a long time and it's good to see that my middle brother is softening and is even listening to preaching with mom...still praying for him to get saved as well as for my older brother.

Right now... go before the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you to forgive
the injustices and to help you to properly live out His Word in your life each day.

 

[Aijalon]

I'm pretty sure the only thing that truly matters is your relationship with your parents. If you love them and taking care of them is natural for you, then you will continue to do it. The relationship with your sister is secondary.

Yes that hurts, but when you're hurt don't react out of offense.

 

[Johnnz]

Thank you! I am so grateful for how you so perfectly worded my situation. [the one doing the caring is overlooked or even criticised by the one being cared for while uninvolved family members are favoured.]

As a Christian wife of an ordained minister, I pray to live an honorable life of Grace. For years I have enthusiastically taken care of my parents. I've always gone for sickness and crisis and stayed for every surgery (3 spine surgeries, 4 joint replacements, a complex hernia = feeding tube), Dad's Stroke, and Mom's progressive Parkinson's. I loved being there to help and considered it a priceless thing. I even gave my sister a pass; tried to operate in the Fruits of the Spirit. So therein lies my struggle ---- what is honorable and good? ------ what is wise? ---- What will bring me peace? -- peace is where God's answer is. Thank you again!

Keep your perspective. None of that is lost in God;s eyes. Jesus reminded us of that ".... treasures in heaven..."

As a pastor's wife you have the expectations of that role upon you, both your own and those of other people. They can become shackles Be authentic. That's all that Jesus asks. Only then can He more fully give His life to you.

John
NZ

 

[MrRightRev]

Get a new power of attorney made up immediately naming you and make an appointment. Put your parents in the car and go to the attorneys office with them. Also, take any documents relating to property matters and the Will. You are being abused by your sister with the parents complicity. The unanswered question here is how did you find this information?

 

[REM]

I have been the primary caregiver to my elderly parents for last 12 yrs or so. My siblings won't help me, and I've come to terms with that. One of my siblings calls our parents constantly to talk, and somehow was given Power of Attorney, and I did not know about this for 10 years. Recently I found out that my parents also sold their home to my sister for One Dollar.

If my sister won't help me out with taking them to medical appointments and procedures, and just checking on them, then why was she given all the power to make decisions if something happens to them? And why in the world was it a secret?

I want to walk away even though so far I'm the only one making the trips to take care of them. I feel uneasy about how these things were done behind my back. I would have been a supportive participant if only I had been included in the discussion. It's crazy. Also my sister has a tendency to go into rages and use abusive language toward me as well as lie to me, so right now we aren't speaking. I just want to walk away. I'm a Christian, and I feel guilty but I also feel a sudden need to protect myself; my heart and mind from a hurt that is bound to come.

Any advice? I am consumed with this to the point of depression.

What is your role as a caregiver and how old/ condition are your parents in? Are they cognitive?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

My mother went through this. Her sister is the "savior" of the family despite the fact she lives a couple states away and is almost never up here. So when my moms mother got sick my mom took care of her. Day after day, week after week...etc. And yet her sister comes up here and messes things up and become power of attorney and executor for everything including what happens when the mom passes.

So needless to say her sister did this without my mom knowing and without even discussing it. So my mom and her sister had a fight and my mom basically told her it was her problem then and left everything on her sister to do. After not long the sister was frustrated (their dad is a nasty mean person) and not long after that the mom died.

We haven't heard anything since then. There was no funeral and we have no idea whats going on. Sister won't call us, her kids won't talk to us. And my moms dad is only a city away but we have nothing to do with him. Better to walk away for now.

 

[danstribe]

I think that you are being exploited. As long as you remain where you are and continue to be the fall person, your sister will continue to behave the way she is. I am not saying to walk away altogether, but you can withdraw your involvement for a temporary period and to advise your sister that you will not continue to be used by her. This may cause quite a conflict between you two, but it will only be a battle of words. If have have the resilience of stick to your guns and refuse continue support, then your sister will be forced to take over the reigns. You need to realise that your mother is also allowing this to happen, so if your support is withdrawn, she has only herself to blame.

In Christian terms, it is not a lack of love to do this. Loving others does not mean that you should allow yourself to be used and exploited by others. It may be a greater act of love to withdraw yourself and to put your sister in the place where she has to give greater actual support for your mother.

This is a principle that God does with us as times. When we get a little off the track with Him, He withdraws His presence from us (although He never leaves or forsakes us), so that we will run to Christ for forgiveness and reassurance. It is not that God loves us less, but that it is Him showing His love for us to take away our comfort in order to draw us to Christ.

So, it may be an act of love for you to withdraw yourself in order for your sister to take a more active role in support of your mother. I don't think you should feel even one bit guilty about this.

I think this is the best advice as well.