My wife and I have been together for 23 years, that's a long time to try and cover in a post such as this. We have 2 wonderful kids (13 and 10), a good life by all standards, and lack for nothing. I love my wife, kids and our little family dearly and there is nothing I wouldn't give to them. Unfortunately, it seems that the time has come to give the one thing I've been holding back on and that is giving up.
I won't ever claim to have been the perfect husband, I know I've made mistakes but I have taken these to heart and pushed forward and done better. I like to think that I am a present father and jump in with everything from the morning school runs, to taking time off to attend sports events and cooking dinner. I'm the type of husband that doesn't hold back and if something needs to be done I'll jump at it before my wife needs to even think of doing it. I have no qualms about packing the dishwasher, doing laundry, or cleaning up after pets, we're in this together and I bring my part. I've loved my wife from the outset and have been faithful and devoted to her since day one.
As things stand, and she said yesterday, She hates me.
I could go into full details and a long history but I'd rather try and keep the reasons for this as brief as possible.
1. My family
I come from a very communal and open family who would get together almost every weekend including the extended family such as aunts, uncles and grandparents. Nothing is secret and everything is shared. Everyone takes responsibility for each other. We would fight, sort it out, and then laugh about it in years to come.
My wife comes from a more centralized family. It's just them and even amongst each other things are private and not spoken about. Fights do not get resolved and she hasn't spoken to one of her brothers in years. Extended family is seen on occasion when a big gathering is organized with promises to do it more often. I think I've been to 3 such occasions in all our time together.
Neither setup is wrong or right, to me that's how different families operate.
The big issue came with the birth of our first child. My wife could not adjust to the "village mentality" my family has as she calls it. A simple example would be that at our house we kept a very strict routine with set feeding, bathing, and sleeping times. When we did visit my family there was no such structure. In my parent's house it is acceptable to just open a cupboard and take what you want or make yourself a meal when you feel like it. If a diaper needed changing whoever was there would jump in. Soothing or naps went to whoever had the baby in their arms. My wife couldn't accept that and wanted more consideration given to how we raised our child at home and for things to be planned around that. Not doing so meant my family didn't care.
This is a stupid example and you may view it as small but there were many others like it over a long time which gave rise to conflict.
The breakdown is that my wife felt that I did not stand up for her in these situations. I did not take her side.
The end result is that we do not have a relationship with my family anymore. I still speak to my parents occasionally but we do not see each other often and, until this weekend, I would occasionally visit them with their grandchildren (3 times in the last 6 or 7 years). My wife has no interaction with them.
I mention this weekend as that is what the current fight is about. About a month ago my son and I were invited to attend a sports event with my dad, brother-in-law and his son for the day. They had 2 extra tickets due to someone pulling out. Unfortunately, they couldn't get another one so my daughter couldn't attend the event but they did invite her to spend time with my mom which I declined as I know how my wife feels and I will not leave my kids with my family if I can't have an eye on them all the time. I asked my wife a month beforehand if it was ok to attend. Again a week before. Again the day before at which point only I mentioned it to my son. Previous experience has been that things are ok until the last minute. In this instance, everything was fine right up to the moment we went to say goodbye to her where all hell broke loose.
Irrespective of where this ends up now I have conveyed to my parents that they shouldn't even consider inviting the kids again in the future.
2. Suspected infidelity
Right off the bat, I have to say that I come from a home where my father cheated on my mom. They resolved their issues and are still together to this day. The impact of that still lingers with me though and shapes my interactions.
10 years ago I was employed at a company where I became friends with a female colleague. In hindsight, it did get too close. There was a running joke that we were work-husband-and-wife despite her husband also running that company and laughing about it. Nothing ever happened between us. We didn't ever get physical with one another. We didn't speak about our spouses or things from home. We never even had as much as a meal together on our own. But it was inappropriate and an embarrassment to my wife. In her mind, I had an emotional affair and betrayed her trust.
We moved on from this but the trust was never restored.
Recently my wife had interactions with another colleague at the company I now work at. On two occasions this person would go on about how wonderful I am and how great it is to work with me. To add to this the lady in question is very open and will send messages directly to myself, other members of the exco, or the exco groups that she is quickly going to the bathroom before a meeting or that her dog has the runs. My wife views this as completely inappropriate and private which gave rise to her accusing me of having an affair again.
I sent a message to this colleague to make it clear that there wasn't anything between us and there would never be and that I would come and explain. My wife views the explanation as a further betrayal. To me it was humiliating as there has never been anything going on but had to deal with the accusation.
Needless to say I have cut off all communication with this colleague apart from where we attend the same meetings or are required to interact on something. And once again nothing in any way, shape or form ever happened between us. The general view in the office is that I am brusque with the female staff to the extent that I am rude. I chose to be this way after the first incident and persist with this.
As an aside, and a point that is never taken into consideration when we argue, my wife had two male colleagues with whom she would often go to long lunches. Drinks would be had and she would tell me that inappropriate jokes and comments were made but she was not willing to share these me. I guess it's some form of payback and make little of it. On a few occasions when we were alone together or traveling she would also take calls from them to the exclusion of me. I don't make an issue of this, I trust her and she is welcome to have people to interact with other than me.
3. Self worth
My wife comes from a poorer family than mine. She studied and qualified herself and I have always been supportive of her ambitions and career. She specializes in family law and has run her own practice for 15+ years.
My wife deals in absolutes. Any situation is either black or white, there is no gray or middle ground.
She needs to be right all the time and for people to take her side irrespective if she may be wrong. She is firm in her opinion and makes that very clear.
She views herself as a failure as she chose to close her practice at the start of the year as she wasn't making ends meet and didn't want me to support it financially any further. She is independent and strong-willed so struggles to accept help.
I've assisted in getting her setup in a new venture which is actually going well but I know she resents me for this as well.
And that covers the big 3 issues we face. Individually they don't seem insurmountable, together it becomes more tricky but it brings me to the actual problem:
Unforgiveness.
Despite anything I give or do my wife will not let go of the past. The smallest incident becomes a rehash of every slight, problem or misunderstanding we have ever had and ultimately I am still wrong.
Therapy or counseling are not options. I have suggested this in the past but my wife refuses, I think that the reason for this is that she's scared someone may tell her that she's in the wrong. Our best effort was to do "The Marriage Course" which ended at session 5 or 6. She's willing to admit that she clings to things and has a problem managing her anger but that's where it ends.
She's now told me she's had enough and that she wants out.
I've tried speaking to her about it but it just goes in circles. She's formed a view of how things are and nothing I say, do or have done detracts from that. Her father (a Pastor if it makes any difference to anyone) has also been going through this with us and the most recent discussion centered on forgiveness as he also prays for us and received word that we can't move forward if she isn't willing to let go of some things. The response is that she isn't speaking to him either now as he didn't take her side.
I'm still willing to carry on and take shots as they come, I've done it for years. As I said initially there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my family.
It has reached a point though where it seems the only option left is to give my wife what she wants. I can buy her a house of her own. I'll support her according to the settlement that she'll draw up and I won't haggle on. I'll follow the rules of the parenting plan to the letter.
But to what end?
I know my wife and she will continue to carry the past with her and the divorce will be just another item that brings more resentment and anger. I don't want to expose our kids to that, at least while we are together I am the focus/outlet and sadly we hide it well. Fighting for primary custody would be an even uglier story.
I've spent countless hours in prayer on this and know it isn't the way to go. My in-laws have gone through most of this with us and despite me telling them to take their daughter's side in everything they are also of the view that a divorce is the worst route we could take. I broke down and mentioned the situation to my parents, despite holding it in for years, and even they say I have to persist with my marriage.
And for those that prefer a TLDR:
My wife is dreadfully unhappy and I don't have anything left in me to fix that.
She refuses to give me the benefit of the doubt on anything despite it being the truth.
She plainly said to me that she's had enough, wants out, and hates me.
My options are to persist in this and trust for a miracle reconciliation or to finally give up and give her the divorce she wants despite knowing that's the wrong route.
My small solace in all this is that despite being perfectly qualified and having 15+ years of experience in doing it for other people she has for some reason not started the divorce process herself.
I won't ever claim to have been the perfect husband, I know I've made mistakes but I have taken these to heart and pushed forward and done better. I like to think that I am a present father and jump in with everything from the morning school runs, to taking time off to attend sports events and cooking dinner. I'm the type of husband that doesn't hold back and if something needs to be done I'll jump at it before my wife needs to even think of doing it. I have no qualms about packing the dishwasher, doing laundry, or cleaning up after pets, we're in this together and I bring my part. I've loved my wife from the outset and have been faithful and devoted to her since day one.
As things stand, and she said yesterday, She hates me.
I could go into full details and a long history but I'd rather try and keep the reasons for this as brief as possible.
1. My family
I come from a very communal and open family who would get together almost every weekend including the extended family such as aunts, uncles and grandparents. Nothing is secret and everything is shared. Everyone takes responsibility for each other. We would fight, sort it out, and then laugh about it in years to come.
My wife comes from a more centralized family. It's just them and even amongst each other things are private and not spoken about. Fights do not get resolved and she hasn't spoken to one of her brothers in years. Extended family is seen on occasion when a big gathering is organized with promises to do it more often. I think I've been to 3 such occasions in all our time together.
Neither setup is wrong or right, to me that's how different families operate.
The big issue came with the birth of our first child. My wife could not adjust to the "village mentality" my family has as she calls it. A simple example would be that at our house we kept a very strict routine with set feeding, bathing, and sleeping times. When we did visit my family there was no such structure. In my parent's house it is acceptable to just open a cupboard and take what you want or make yourself a meal when you feel like it. If a diaper needed changing whoever was there would jump in. Soothing or naps went to whoever had the baby in their arms. My wife couldn't accept that and wanted more consideration given to how we raised our child at home and for things to be planned around that. Not doing so meant my family didn't care.
This is a stupid example and you may view it as small but there were many others like it over a long time which gave rise to conflict.
The breakdown is that my wife felt that I did not stand up for her in these situations. I did not take her side.
The end result is that we do not have a relationship with my family anymore. I still speak to my parents occasionally but we do not see each other often and, until this weekend, I would occasionally visit them with their grandchildren (3 times in the last 6 or 7 years). My wife has no interaction with them.
I mention this weekend as that is what the current fight is about. About a month ago my son and I were invited to attend a sports event with my dad, brother-in-law and his son for the day. They had 2 extra tickets due to someone pulling out. Unfortunately, they couldn't get another one so my daughter couldn't attend the event but they did invite her to spend time with my mom which I declined as I know how my wife feels and I will not leave my kids with my family if I can't have an eye on them all the time. I asked my wife a month beforehand if it was ok to attend. Again a week before. Again the day before at which point only I mentioned it to my son. Previous experience has been that things are ok until the last minute. In this instance, everything was fine right up to the moment we went to say goodbye to her where all hell broke loose.
Irrespective of where this ends up now I have conveyed to my parents that they shouldn't even consider inviting the kids again in the future.
2. Suspected infidelity
Right off the bat, I have to say that I come from a home where my father cheated on my mom. They resolved their issues and are still together to this day. The impact of that still lingers with me though and shapes my interactions.
10 years ago I was employed at a company where I became friends with a female colleague. In hindsight, it did get too close. There was a running joke that we were work-husband-and-wife despite her husband also running that company and laughing about it. Nothing ever happened between us. We didn't ever get physical with one another. We didn't speak about our spouses or things from home. We never even had as much as a meal together on our own. But it was inappropriate and an embarrassment to my wife. In her mind, I had an emotional affair and betrayed her trust.
We moved on from this but the trust was never restored.
Recently my wife had interactions with another colleague at the company I now work at. On two occasions this person would go on about how wonderful I am and how great it is to work with me. To add to this the lady in question is very open and will send messages directly to myself, other members of the exco, or the exco groups that she is quickly going to the bathroom before a meeting or that her dog has the runs. My wife views this as completely inappropriate and private which gave rise to her accusing me of having an affair again.
I sent a message to this colleague to make it clear that there wasn't anything between us and there would never be and that I would come and explain. My wife views the explanation as a further betrayal. To me it was humiliating as there has never been anything going on but had to deal with the accusation.
Needless to say I have cut off all communication with this colleague apart from where we attend the same meetings or are required to interact on something. And once again nothing in any way, shape or form ever happened between us. The general view in the office is that I am brusque with the female staff to the extent that I am rude. I chose to be this way after the first incident and persist with this.
As an aside, and a point that is never taken into consideration when we argue, my wife had two male colleagues with whom she would often go to long lunches. Drinks would be had and she would tell me that inappropriate jokes and comments were made but she was not willing to share these me. I guess it's some form of payback and make little of it. On a few occasions when we were alone together or traveling she would also take calls from them to the exclusion of me. I don't make an issue of this, I trust her and she is welcome to have people to interact with other than me.
3. Self worth
My wife comes from a poorer family than mine. She studied and qualified herself and I have always been supportive of her ambitions and career. She specializes in family law and has run her own practice for 15+ years.
My wife deals in absolutes. Any situation is either black or white, there is no gray or middle ground.
She needs to be right all the time and for people to take her side irrespective if she may be wrong. She is firm in her opinion and makes that very clear.
She views herself as a failure as she chose to close her practice at the start of the year as she wasn't making ends meet and didn't want me to support it financially any further. She is independent and strong-willed so struggles to accept help.
I've assisted in getting her setup in a new venture which is actually going well but I know she resents me for this as well.
And that covers the big 3 issues we face. Individually they don't seem insurmountable, together it becomes more tricky but it brings me to the actual problem:
Unforgiveness.
Despite anything I give or do my wife will not let go of the past. The smallest incident becomes a rehash of every slight, problem or misunderstanding we have ever had and ultimately I am still wrong.
Therapy or counseling are not options. I have suggested this in the past but my wife refuses, I think that the reason for this is that she's scared someone may tell her that she's in the wrong. Our best effort was to do "The Marriage Course" which ended at session 5 or 6. She's willing to admit that she clings to things and has a problem managing her anger but that's where it ends.
She's now told me she's had enough and that she wants out.
I've tried speaking to her about it but it just goes in circles. She's formed a view of how things are and nothing I say, do or have done detracts from that. Her father (a Pastor if it makes any difference to anyone) has also been going through this with us and the most recent discussion centered on forgiveness as he also prays for us and received word that we can't move forward if she isn't willing to let go of some things. The response is that she isn't speaking to him either now as he didn't take her side.
I'm still willing to carry on and take shots as they come, I've done it for years. As I said initially there isn't anything I wouldn't do for my family.
It has reached a point though where it seems the only option left is to give my wife what she wants. I can buy her a house of her own. I'll support her according to the settlement that she'll draw up and I won't haggle on. I'll follow the rules of the parenting plan to the letter.
But to what end?
I know my wife and she will continue to carry the past with her and the divorce will be just another item that brings more resentment and anger. I don't want to expose our kids to that, at least while we are together I am the focus/outlet and sadly we hide it well. Fighting for primary custody would be an even uglier story.
I've spent countless hours in prayer on this and know it isn't the way to go. My in-laws have gone through most of this with us and despite me telling them to take their daughter's side in everything they are also of the view that a divorce is the worst route we could take. I broke down and mentioned the situation to my parents, despite holding it in for years, and even they say I have to persist with my marriage.
And for those that prefer a TLDR:
My wife is dreadfully unhappy and I don't have anything left in me to fix that.
She refuses to give me the benefit of the doubt on anything despite it being the truth.
She plainly said to me that she's had enough, wants out, and hates me.
My options are to persist in this and trust for a miracle reconciliation or to finally give up and give her the divorce she wants despite knowing that's the wrong route.
My small solace in all this is that despite being perfectly qualified and having 15+ years of experience in doing it for other people she has for some reason not started the divorce process herself.
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