How do I know it's just the OCD?

[HuskeyBoy]

Hi, my name is Tommy. First of all I am super grateful for this forum and have read probably every thread on this subject. I have talked to my pastor and close Christian friends about my fears of being past the point of Gods mercy because of my sins, and I know you guys have read a million of these, but PLEASE humor me.

I was saved at a young age, but in my college years (against my better judgement) I chose to listen to music that used Gods name in vain (mostly rap), and then in one occasion (against much pangs of conscience) I talked myself into listening to a band that in one particular verse of a song explicitly said injurious things about Christ. I justified it by "turning the volume off" when it came to that part, and thought it would be ok since I wasn't the one saying the words, and it was turned down.

So as you can imagine the guilt has come back like a freight train to haunt me. When these terrible fears first came it was like a voice whispering in my ear"...for if we sin deliberately, no sacrifice remains!". Then I read Leviticus where the man who injured the Name of God was stoned to death with no mercy.

That was 12 years ago and it's still as fresh today as it was then. I am a spiritual wreck, but trying my best to hide it.

I don't have or struggle with oppressing blasphemous thoughts, I firmly believe that those are if Satan (thank you Martin Luther), but I can't shake the fear that I have taken advantage of Gods grace and ok'd the slandering of his name until I have crossed the line as far as honoring His name goes.

I willfully partook in things that dishonored and even went as far as to speak ill things about Jesus. I chose to participate and I wasn't coerced or forced to except for my strong desire for acceptance with friends.

After a couple of years of being heavily convicted (as a 20 year old) of listening to those things I finally couldn't do it anymore and threw all the music away and asked for forgiveness and started over. But at age 30 it all came back and feels like it's trying to drown me spiritually.

I'm in despair, but holding out for a glimpse of hope. The only problem is, have I shamed and done harm to the only one who can give me that hope?

Thanks in advance, thanks for taking time to read my post.

 

[Paul of Eugene OR]

Let me put to you a little parable. Once there were two kids who were playing in the park and their father had promised to pick them up at 5:30 and take them home. One of them started worrying if their father would fail to come by. After all, he HAD done a temper tantrum when the father went off to the store . . . . and he was just sure that the father loved the other brother better anyway, so the father might leave him behind.

Should the father keep his schedule? Should he pick up both his kids?

If you then, being evil, can clearly discern what is right for the father to do here, perhaps you can trust your Heavenly Father to be as trustworthy as any decent human father would be.

 

[Hall]

If you like that type of music you can google christian rap music and I'm sure you will find some songs you like. Only difference is they are Christian words instead of ungodly words. You can repent and ask for forgiveness, all we can do is try our best as long as God sees you are honest about trying to change. Put Him first in your life and you are off to a new start.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Repent. Don't do it again. If we confess our sins, He is righteous and just to forgive us. Sometimes guilt can be negative, but other times it can remind us of the gravity of that sin, and our responsibility once convicted, to avoid that sin. It doesn't mean that God hates or wants to condemn us, but that God is anxious for us to avoid sin, and love Him, instead of make excuses.

We all sin and make excuses. We all do. Guilt can be a way of warning us away from future sin, too. He loves you. Don't be afraid of Him. Just go to Him, and seek His Son's mercy and help to spend your time in ways that please Him

 

[HuskeyBoy]

If you like that type of music you can google christian rap music and I'm sure you will find some songs you like. Only difference is they are Christian words instead of ungodly words. You can repent and ask for forgiveness, all we can do is try our best as long as God sees you are honest about trying to change. Put Him first in your life and you are off to a new start.

Thank you for the quick reply. I haven't listened to that kind of music in 20 years. I'm 41 and threw it all away when I was 21. The guilt came crashing in when I was 31 and is still alive and well. Thank you for the encouragement.

 

[HuskeyBoy]

Repent. Don't do it again. If we confess our sins, He is righteous and just to forgive us. Sometimes guilt can be negative, but other times it can remind us of the gravity of that sin, and our responsibility once convicted, to avoid that sin. It doesn't mean that God hates or wants to condemn us, but that God is anxious for us to avoid sin, and love Him, instead of make excuses.

We all sin and make excuses. We all do. Guilt can be a way of warning us away from future sin, too. He loves you. Don't be afraid of Him. Just go to Him, and seek His Son's mercy and help to spend your time in ways that please Him

Thank you for your quick reply. I'm fearfully stuck wondering if I "insulted the Spirit of grace" as Hebrews 10 lays out with my willful sins. I did repent and gladly threw all the music in a local creek and was very relieved, but I didn't realize the gravity of how badly I had done injury to His name.

 

[anna ~ grace]

Thank you for your quick reply. I'm fearfully stuck wondering if I "insulted the Spirit of grace" as Hebrews 10 lays out with my willful sins. I did repent and gladly threw all the music in a local creek and was very relieved, but I didn't realize the gravity of how badly I had done injury to His name.

If you threw your music in the river, there's not much more you can do to get rid of the stuff. Good for you!

Every time we make excuses and sin we offend the Spirit of Grace. We all do that. A profound and sincere hatred of what you did in the past is a good sign. It's His way of helping you stay clear of sin, realize your need for His help and grace, and take refuge in Him to avoid that sin.

 

[makeajoyfulnoise100]

Hi, my name is Tommy. First of all I am super grateful for this forum and have read probably every thread on this subject. I have talked to my pastor and close Christian friends about my fears of being past the point of Gods mercy because of my sins, and I know you guys have read a million of these, but PLEASE humor me.

I was saved at a young age, but in my college years (against my better judgement) I chose to listen to music that used Gods name in vain (mostly rap), and then in one occasion (against much pangs of conscience) I talked myself into listening to a band that in one particular verse of a song explicitly said injurious things about Christ. I justified it by "turning the volume off" when it came to that part, and thought it would be ok since I wasn't the one saying the words, and it was turned down.

So as you can imagine the guilt has come back like a freight train to haunt me. When these terrible fears first came it was like a voice whispering in my ear"...for if we sin deliberately, no sacrifice remains!". Then I read Leviticus where the man who injured the Name of God was stoned to death with no mercy.

That was 12 years ago and it's still as fresh today as it was then. I am a spiritual wreck, but trying my best to hide it.

I don't have or struggle with oppressing blasphemous thoughts, I firmly believe that those are if Satan (thank you Martin Luther), but I can't shake the fear that I have taken advantage of Gods grace and ok'd the slandering of his name until I have crossed the line as far as honoring His name goes.

I willfully partook in things that dishonored and even went as far as to speak ill things about Jesus. I chose to participate and I wasn't coerced or forced to except for my strong desire for acceptance with friends.

After a couple of years of being heavily convicted (as a 20 year old) of listening to those things I finally couldn't do it anymore and threw all the music away and asked for forgiveness and started over. But at age 30 it all came back and feels like it's trying to drown me spiritually.

I'm in despair, but holding out for a glimpse of hope. The only problem is, have I shamed and done harm to the only one who can give me that hope?

Thanks in advance, thanks for taking time to read my post.

Here's hope:

You haven't ever blasphemed the Holy Spirit, have you? According to the NKJV Matthew 12:31-32
All About GOD Bible this is the ultimate sin and that can never be forgiven.

I too have said horrible things about God and though I never thought of Yeshua (Jesus) as just a historical figure or considered Him not the Son of God, His relationship with the Holy Spirit and His devotion to God was amazing. The point is to ask for forgiveness from God. Praise God and Jesus, and be grateful for your life. The Holy Spirit does amazing things.

 

[Mari17]

Do you have a history of OCD in other areas of your life? If you do, I would strongly suspect OCD in this area as well. It sounds to me like you are being obsessive about it, and worrying unnecessarily. Yes, we need to repent of past sins, and yes there are some confusing Bible passages about deliberate sins, etc. However, at this point you've done what you can do. You've repented and you've moved on, so you have no need to keep dwelling on it. I know that's difficult not to do, especially if you're prone to OCD. But you can't change anything by obsessing about it. Rest in God's grace and move forward. I'm curious, was there anything specific that triggered this obsession? It sounds like it hit you many years after the actual incident.

 

[Galilee63]

After repentance of these sins to Jesus from your heart, ask Jesus and Holy Spirit to heal your heart from the past while trusting in Jesus completely. Trust in Jesus completely - Jesus suffered His Bitter Passion, Sorrows, Agonies, Persecutions and Abuses for us, in order to be given the opportunities through repentance of sins made to Him in remorse, to receive His Precious Holy Sacred Forgiving Blood poured over us during Holy Confession, one of our Lords most wondrous, Holy, Sacred, Merciful Sacraments, essential in drawing our hearts closer in Union with Jesus, Holy Spirit, God and for me; my Blessed Virgin Mother Mary too.

Once praying Jesus Holy Wound Chaplet below after repenting your sins to Jesus from your past, ask for His Holy Healing, immersing your heart and soul in His Holy Sacred Wounds.

Jesus delivered His Holy Wound Chaplet to Saint Marie Marthe Chambon in the early 1900s and it does not contradict Gods Holy Word, His Holy Scriptures.

One makes The Sign of The Cross with Jesus on The Cross in front of them focussing on Jesus and His Sorrows and Sufferings, His Bitter Passion or Holy Sorrowful Mysteries in Illustrations is best to start.

O Jesus Divine Redeemer, be merciful to us and to the whole world Amen.
Strong God Holy God Holy Immortal God, have mercy on us and on the whole world Amen.
Grace and Mercy O My Jesus during present dangers, cover us with Your Precious Blood, Amen.
O Eternal Father, grant us Mercy through The Blood of Jesus Christ, Thy only Son, grant us Mercy, we Beseech Thee, Amen, Amen, Amen.

O Eternal Father, i offer Thee The Wounds of our Lord Jesus Christ to heal the Wounds of our souls Amen.

My Jesus pardon and Mercy through The Merits of Thy Holy Wounds x 10 times from your heart.

O Eternal Father, I offer Thee The Wounds of our Lord Jesus Christ to heal the Wounds of our souls Amen x 1

My Jesus Pardon and Mercy through The Merits of Thy Holy Wounds x 10 times

You keep praying this 5 times until the 5 Holy Decades are complete.

Then tell Jesus you Love Him and thank Him from your heart for His Love and Peace and for suffering for you.

 

[HuskeyBoy]

Do you have a history of OCD in other areas of your life? If you do, I would strongly suspect OCD in this area as well. It sounds to me like you are being obsessive about it, and worrying unnecessarily. Yes, we need to repent of past sins, and yes there are some confusing Bible passages about deliberate sins, etc. However, at this point you've done what you can do. You've repented and you've moved on, so you have no need to keep dwelling on it. I know that's difficult not to do, especially if you're prone to OCD. But you can't change anything by obsessing about it. Rest in God's grace and move forward. I'm curious, was there anything specific that triggered this obsession? It sounds like it hit you many years after the actual incident.

Yes, I didn't bring it up yet because I didn't want to tackle too many issues at once.

A year before all this deep fear and worrying started we had a child born extremely premature at 23 weeks and have had lots of ups and downs and trying times since then. It's been really rough on me and my wife.

 

[HuskeyBoy]

Discussion question to throw out there:

If a person listens to bad things or watches movies that they know has really sinful things in it, are they guilty in some way of the things they watched or listened to?

 

[Mari17]

Stress can bring on OCD, I've heard. In fact, I'm going through a bit of what seems to be stress-induced OCD, myself. I would recommend treating this excessive guilt as OCD. Have you been through therapy, and/or are you aware of techniques you can use to fight OCD (ERP, CBT, etc.)? Also, to answer your last question, although I don't think we as Christians should watch movies we're not comfortable with, I don't believe you inherently acquire the responsibility for the "sins" committed in a movie (e.g. if someone swears in a movie, you don't hold the same guilt as if you yourself actually swore). Is that what you're asking?

 

[HuskeyBoy]

Stress can bring on OCD, I've heard. In fact, I'm going through a bit of what seems to be stress-induced OCD, myself. I would recommend treating this excessive guilt as OCD. Have you been through therapy, and/or are you aware of techniques you can use to fight OCD (ERP, CBT, etc.)? Also, to answer your last question, although I don't think we as Christians should watch movies we're not comfortable with, I don't believe you inherently acquire the responsibility for the "sins" committed in a movie (e.g. if someone swears in a movie, you don't hold the same guilt as if you yourself actually swore). Is that what you're asking?

Yes, that's what I'm asking

 

[HuskeyBoy]

The whole thing started I'm pretty sure with me wondering if God was trying to get my attention for the sins I had excused in my life by His gift of "severe mercy" with the birth of our son.

I don't think God was punishing us with the birth of our son (who is beautiful in every way), but part of me thought it was (like King David) a way to get my attention in certain areas of my life that weren't surrendered to obedience and had become somewhat presumptuous.

It started there and gradually snowballed.

 

[Mari17]

I'm not sure I understand the "severe mercy" part...was your son's birth hard for you to deal with for some reason? I'm just not sure why you are viewing it as a type of punishment. I do however completely understand the OCD part, and it sounds like your son's birth was a trigger for you to start dwelling on obsessive thoughts. Please keep working to recognize OCD for what it is. You are NOT responsible for the sins committed by others in movies. If you don't feel comfortable watching certain movies, stop watching them...and move on. I know that it can be so easy to dwell on an obsessive theme, but doing so feeds into your OCD. It wants you to stay stuck in a rut forever. Refuse to give in to it. Employ OCD-fighting techniques, if you are familiar with them; if not, just ask and I will try to give some advice and/or point you in the direction of some resources. Your life is too important to spend it wallowing in OCD.

 

[HuskeyBoy]

I'm not sure I understand the "severe mercy" part...was your son's birth hard for you to deal with for some reason? I'm just not sure why you are viewing it as a type of punishment. I do however completely understand the OCD part, and it sounds like your son's birth was a trigger for you to start dwelling on obsessive thoughts. Please keep working to recognize OCD for what it is. You are NOT responsible for the sins committed by others in movies. If you don't feel comfortable watching certain movies, stop watching them...and move on. I know that it can be so easy to dwell on an obsessive theme, but doing so feeds into your OCD. It wants you to stay stuck in a rut forever. Refuse to give in to it. Employ OCD-fighting techniques, if you are familiar with them; if not, just ask and I will try to give some advice and/or point you in the direction of some resources. Your life is too important to spend it wallowing in OCD.

Yes, it was and still is very hard. He's had severe illnesses since he was born at 1-1/2 pounds. I don't despair at him being sick, but it does wear on me mentally and physically taking care of him and his needs with all the hospital trips, therapies, etc. I wouldn't trade him for anything and I dont think God is punishing us. He's blessing us, it just hurts a lot along the way

I fear my sins because I was willing to allow Gods name to be dishonored and Christ's name to be injured for the sake of me gaining other's approval, though it bothered me every second.

 

[HuskeyBoy]

Stress can bring on OCD, I've heard. In fact, I'm going through a bit of what seems to be stress-induced OCD, myself. I would recommend treating this excessive guilt as OCD. Have you been through therapy, and/or are you aware of techniques you can use to fight OCD (ERP, CBT, etc.)? Also, to answer your last question, although I don't think we as Christians should watch movies we're not comfortable with, I don't believe you inherently acquire the responsibility for the "sins" committed in a movie (e.g. if someone swears in a movie, you don't hold the same guilt as if you yourself actually swore). Is that what you're asking?

How am I different from standing with the crowd that was yelling "crucify him" when Jesus was being crucified?

 

[Shawb]

I will pray for you. As others have said you have repented of these sins and moved on. This just likely your OCD, trust me I know the feeling of your conscience suddenly convicting you of something you did in the distant past and the severe guilt that follows. As Mari17 said do not dwell on them, it's easier said than done...I know, but it's the best advice. It fuels the condition. I just say "It's your OCD/ devil move on."

 

[HuskeyBoy]

So am I guilty of just really bad choices or actual blasphemy?

That's the spiral I can't seem to escape from.