How do I know if I should leave or not?

[Dave-W]

Can you elaborate? I'm not sure I know what you mean

Samaritan culture was very different than in Jewish culture of the same time period. It was rather brutal toward women.

Marriages of women were arranged by the father and/or brothers. The woman could not refuse. If the husband was not pleased, he could divorce her for any reason. The most common one was not bearing a child. She had no say in it at all. She was out on the street. If she turned to something like prostitution, she was killed on the spot. She could not do business or own property.

For her to get married again, it had to be arranged by her father, brothers or ex husband. She had no say. Even being taken in from off the street she had no right of refusal.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

Samaritan culture was very different than in Jewish culture of the same time period. It was rather brutal toward women.

Marriages of women were arranged by the father and/or brothers. The woman could not refuse. If the husband was not pleased, he could divorce her for any reason. The most common one was not bearing a child. She had no say in it at all. She was out on the street. If she turned to something like prostitution, she was killed on the spot. She could not do business or own property.

For her to get married again, it had to be arranged by her father, brothers or ex husband. She had no say. Even being taken in from off the street she had no right of refusal.

I have never heard this teaching .It's interesting . Why does Jesus appear to convict her for being divorced and for being with a man who is not her husband? Common teaching is that she was an outcast due to her divorces (hence why she is at the well midday). It appears with her shame that she may have been unfaithful or at least a guilty party in the divorces in some way .

Edit: the mobile version of this forum makes replying very difficult .please excus any odd formatting or typos

 

[Jon Osterman]

There has been adultery on his part. He was broken everything about marriage that is sacred. I don't know how many second chances to give him or what God wants me to do. I have been fighting with this decision for years now and I am so unhappy. God seems silent. How do I know what He wants me to do and what I should do?

Leave him. Your covenant is already broken. You are making yourself unhappy by denying God's will.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

There has been adultery on his part. He was broken everything about marriage that is sacred. I don't know how many second chances to give him or what God wants me to do. I have been fighting with this decision for years now and I am so unhappy. God seems silent. How do I know what He wants me to do and what I should do?

A good time to seek counseling from your pastor if you have one?

If not you can call any local pastor and they should be happy to meet with you.

Maybe it's the time to take a little time out?

It appears your husband has broken one of the Bible golden rules regarding marriage so sad.

M-Bob

 

[Silver Chair]

If he has truly repented and obviously is attempting to make amends, that has to factor into the equation, most especially if his transgression is of somewhat distant history. I would recommend a good Christian counselor to help repair the damage that obviously still exists.

But if there is no remorse, in my opinion adultery is a deal breaker. You are not putting aside the sacred concept of God joining you in holy matrimony. He did that. And he not only has no right to your trust but is putting you and possibly your children, if any, in jeopardy by sleeping around. I can't speak for God, but I cannot imagine you would not be forgiven, even supported, in walking away from that.

Thanks for your response. Not trying to start another debate but I question whether he is capable of repentance. He is incapable of feeling true remorse or anything in general and has been diagnosed as a possible sociopath. He has had two God experiences where he felt God's love, but didn't even know how to put a name to that feeling - said it was the only time he felt an emotion other than anger/impatience/frustration. He is so insincere because he doesn't truly have empathy or compassion. I do believe God has been working in him to some extent for him to have those experiences but it seems even that was not enough to thaw his cold heart. I have no children and we are young.

 

[Silver Chair]

A good time to seek counseling from your pastor if you have one?

If not you can call any local pastor and they should be happy to meet with you.

Maybe it's the time to take a little time out?

It appears your husband has broken one of the Bible golden rules regarding marriage so sad.

M-Bob

I checked with a few churches around and they said counseling was only offered to current members of the church. I belong to a church but I work there and the dynamics are very different. I really need guidance - this relationship started out badly to begin with and maybe I was hoping it would become something good.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

Leave him. Your covenant is already broken. You are making yourself unhappy by denying God's will.

What is God's will?

 

[Dave-W]

Why does Jesus appear to convict her for being divorced and for being with a man who is not her husband?

He does not convict her. He is just demonstrating that He knew all about her life. It is our modern mindset that puts conviction or condemnation in His words.

? Common teaching is that she was an outcast due to her divorces (hence why she is at the well midday). It appears with her shame that she may have been unfaithful or at least a guilty party in the divorces in some way .

Being childless was a HUGE shame in that culture. If she had been unfaithful she would have been killed already.

 

[Jon Osterman]

What is God's will?

I suggest you read your Bible and find out.

In this case, her husband has committed adultery, violating the marriage oath. He is also not repentant, a possible sociopath, doesn't show his wife love or affection, and is making her miserable. She needs to leave him now. There really is no doubt.

 

[savedthroughgrace]

I suggest you read your Bible and find out.

In this case, her husband has committed adultery, violating the marriage oath. He is also not repentant, a possible sociopath, doesn't show his wife love or affection, and is making her miserable. She needs to leave him now. There really is no doubt.

I know God's will. I was asking you because the way I read your reply I took it that you meant because he committed adultery she should leave and that would be God's will. God's will is not that marriages be broken apart. God would prefer us to repent and come back to Him so that the marriage may be reconciled .Adultery is a severe sin .I know the hurt it causes because I've committed it and I am repentant and remorseful. My situation is very different than the one the OP is going through. However, I feel I cannot advise in whether to stay or leave...that is between Husband, Wife, and God .God can do miraculous things and is a forgiving God (if we repent).

 

[Jon Osterman]

I know God's will. I was asking you because the way I read your reply I took it that you meant because he committed adultery she should leave and that would be God's will. God's will is not that marriages be broken apart. God would prefer us to repent and come back to Him so that the marriage may be reconciled .Adultery is a severe sin .I know the hurt it causes because I've committed it and I am repentant and remorseful. My situation is very different than the one the OP is going through. However, I feel I cannot advise in whether to stay or leave...that is between Husband, Wife, and God .God can do miraculous things and is a forgiving God (if we repent).

I was with you up until "...so that the marriage may be reconciled." While admittedly neither of us know the full story, on a thread like this we have to take the working assumption that the OP is being truthful. If that is the case, then God's will is certainly not served by "reconciling" this marriage. It is clear that the husband is abusive and neglectful, and the wife is chronically unhappy. Further, there is no repentance nor willingness to change. How can you think that that should continue?

 

[savedthroughgrace]

I was with you up until "...so that the marriage may be reconciled." While admittedly neither of us know the full story, on a thread like this we have to take the working assumption that the OP is being truthful. If that is the case, then God's will is certainly not served by "reconciling" this marriage. It is clear that the husband is abusive and neglectful, and the wife is chronically unhappy. Further, there is no repentance nor willingness to change. How can you think that that should continue?

I was stating that I beleive God prefers us to REPENT so that reconcilliation may be possible. I also believe to reconcile would take two willing parties. If he is not willing then, no, it would not be possible. My statement is more along the lines of what would be "ideal".

 

[Deidre32]

Marriage isn't a prison. Sure, there will be difficult times, but chronic emotional abuse and cheating? I don't think God expects us to stay in such things. God isn't silent, maybe you just are afraid to leave. That happens a lot, but trust in God that he doesn't wish for you to be abused and in a marriage that only you are faithful. Jesus said that adultery is a viable reason to divorce.

 

[Silver Chair]

Thanks all for the replies. I would like to give more information in the hopes it can shed more light on this complex and heartbreaking situation.

First, my husband has come a long way. When I first met him, he was completely numb to everything: joy, happiness, love, death, grief, mourning, anything. He was cold as ice and nothing affected him. I could sometimes see vague flashes of something but it would be tamped down immediately.

After years with him in this state, I saw him genuinely cry for the first time. He is an emotionless person and it is easy to tell when he is faking emotion. This was the first genuine spontaneous emotion I ever saw in him and he was clearly unable to suppress it. It happened when I was talking to him about God; he had displayed interest in learning more as he believed nothing else could help him and I obliged. I myself was feeling very cold and distant that day, feeling very hurt and tired of the whole thing and thinking there was no point. He later could not explain this sudden rush of emotion and said it was nothing he had ever felt before, and he could not even name it. He just knew it was good. He had a second such experience when we got in a big fight and I left the house. He suddenly felt a strong draw to a particular part of the house, where I had placed a just-purchased artwork displaying a Christian verse. He did not know I had bought it or that it was there, so he picked it up to look at it. At first the words were meaningless to him and then he said it suddenly made complete and perfect sense in that moment, and the tears started pouring again.

I believe these two experiences were God-given and miraculous. It is unfathomable that he could even experience something like this and I believe it is a testament to the power of God's love and grace. However, I know that doesn't mean he will necessarily change. As a sociopath there are fundamental physiological differences he was born with, coupled with poor genetics and bad upbringing. It just seems so unfair that one would be born like this with no chance of change. There was no instant transformation afterwards and he still struggles with the same problems, but he claims to really want to change. He acknowledges having a lack of empathy, emotions, and morals/conscience but says he does not want to be like that anymore because he is losing me. This past week he actually contacted some psychologists/psychiatrists but I do not know if they can even help. I am a medical professional and I know there is no effective treatment or medication for this personality disorder.

What should I do? I plan to meet with a pastor this week but I've talked to some in the past and they were no help. I trust God completely and I just want to do His will.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Only suggestions.

Meet with the pastor and then have your husband possibly meet with the pastor and then if agreeable both of you meet with the pastor.

Maybe your husband could be assigned a Christian mentor, discipler? These are good for (all of us.)

M-Bob

Thanks all for the replies. I would like to give more information in the hopes it can shed more light on this complex and heartbreaking situation.

First, my husband has come a long way. When I first met him, he was completely numb to everything: joy, happiness, love, death, grief, mourning, anything. He was cold as ice and nothing affected him. I could sometimes see vague flashes of something but it would be tamped down immediately.

After years with him in this state, I saw him genuinely cry for the first time. He is an emotionless person and it is easy to tell when he is faking emotion. This was the first genuine spontaneous emotion I ever saw in him and he was clearly unable to suppress it. It happened when I was talking to him about God; he had displayed interest in learning more as he believed nothing else could help him and I obliged. I myself was feeling very cold and distant that day, feeling very hurt and tired of the whole thing and thinking there was no point. He later could not explain this sudden rush of emotion and said it was nothing he had ever felt before, and he could not even name it. He just knew it was good. He had a second such experience when we got in a big fight and I left the house. He suddenly felt a strong draw to a particular part of the house, where I had placed a just-purchased artwork displaying a Christian verse. He did not know I had bought it or that it was there, so he picked it up to look at it. At first the words were meaningless to him and then he said it suddenly made complete and perfect sense in that moment, and the tears started pouring again.

I believe these two experiences were God-given and miraculous. It is unfathomable that he could even experience something like this and I believe it is a testament to the power of God's love and grace. However, I know that doesn't mean he will necessarily change. As a sociopath there are fundamental physiological differences he was born with, coupled with poor genetics and bad upbringing. It just seems so unfair that one would be born like this with no chance of change. There was no instant transformation afterwards and he still struggles with the same problems, but he claims to really want to change. He acknowledges having a lack of empathy, emotions, and morals/conscience but says he does not want to be like that anymore because he is losing me. This past week he actually contacted some psychologists/psychiatrists but I do not know if they can even help. I am a medical professional and I know there is no effective treatment or medication for this personality disorder.

What should I do? I plan to meet with a pastor this week but I've talked to some in the past and they were no help. I trust God completely and I just want to do His will.