How do I just sit and wait for God to fix my marriage?

Feb 5, 2016
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Long story short: we’ve been married for a year and a half. I am four months pregnant with our first child. I have been suspecting my husband of masturbating/watching inappropriate content for a few months and confronted him several times where he has lied straight to my face. Yesterday I caught him. He turned it around to being my fault because I don’t have sex with him every day. I called my mentor and friend to ask for advice as she has been through the same issue. I wanted to know how I can just forget something this devastating. I feel so betrayed. My husband found out I talked to her and now this entire situation has turned around to being all my fault, he has removed his ring, won’t talk to me and told me to leave. He said his trust for me is ruined because I talked to someone else about our marital problems. What am I supposed to do while I wait for God to take over? I’ve given this to Him but the waiting is breaking my heart and I’m trying not to stress in order to protect my baby.
 

Bluerose31

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Long story short: we’ve been married for a year and a half. I am four months pregnant with our first child. I have been suspecting my husband of masturbating/watching inappropriate content for a few months and confronted him several times where he has lied straight to my face. Yesterday I caught him. He turned it around to being my fault because I don’t have sex with him every day. I called my mentor and friend to ask for advice as she has been through the same issue. I wanted to know how I can just forget something this devastating. I feel so betrayed. My husband found out I talked to her and now this entire situation has turned around to being all my fault, he has removed his ring, won’t talk to me and told me to leave. He said his trust for me is ruined because I talked to someone else about our marital problems. What am I supposed to do while I wait for God to take over? I’ve given this to Him but the waiting is breaking my heart and I’m trying not to stress in order to protect my baby.
I am so sorry you are suffering with this matter. I will pray for you and your husband.
 
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anna ~ grace

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Long story short: we’ve been married for a year and a half. I am four months pregnant with our first child. I have been suspecting my husband of masturbating/watching inappropriate content for a few months and confronted him several times where he has lied straight to my face. Yesterday I caught him. He turned it around to being my fault because I don’t have sex with him every day. I called my mentor and friend to ask for advice as she has been through the same issue. I wanted to know how I can just forget something this devastating. I feel so betrayed. My husband found out I talked to her and now this entire situation has turned around to being all my fault, he has removed his ring, won’t talk to me and told me to leave. He said his trust for me is ruined because I talked to someone else about our marital problems. What am I supposed to do while I wait for God to take over? I’ve given this to Him but the waiting is breaking my heart and I’m trying not to stress in order to protect my baby.

That is a crazy, irrational, and very unloving response from him. You get caught watching inappropriate content and your wife confides in someone, you don't threaten divorce and break her heart. Keep praying. And if possible, if and when you feel he would be agreeable, let him know that you would like to talk, both of you, to a Christian counselor. Or pastor.
 
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Praying for you. It sounds like you and your husband need some wise counsel from a pastor or mature Christian, though I am not sure he will be agreeable.
Thank you for your prayers. Yes, I had an appointment set up with our Pastor but my husband would not go or let me go.
 
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ToBeLoved

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I don’t know your situation so take this with a grain of salt, but maybe he is extra humiliated because this is about sex or is tied to his sexuality.

I’m not a man, but I wouldn’t want people judging me for masterbating. That’s pretty personal.
 
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drjean

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Unfortunately 1 in 4 CHRISTIAN men are addicted to inappropriate contentography. It IS an addiction and he needs professional help. I doubt that if he can't admit it and blames you, that he will listen to God without a mentor of his own.

But you do not just sit and wait for God to fix something you got into (marriage) ... He may not have put you there, but He will surely help you make the best decisions right now. You didn't say if your spouse is Christian: if he is, then he needs to seek out his pastor's help...and maybe a program for his addiction. It will not become better with time without consistent help, imo. It progresses because the eyes of the flesh consume them over time and will accelerate.

Tough love, my lady. If he won't seek real help and work with you on this, then get out, separate, until you have proof that he has. No reason to throw more into a marriage that just. will. not. work. the way it is...and you have to be the adult regarding the baby. Obvious (to me) he has no intention of being the spouse you thought you were marrying and you can NOT put the baby at risk either.
 
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Sketcher

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Did you miss your appointment with the pastor, or were you strongarmed into canceling it?

It sounds honestly like he's playing chicken with you. Don't be the first one to flinch. If he's decent, he will be the first to come back, put his ring back on, and apologize for . . . something.
 
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FutureAndAHope

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It must be very hard for you, it is hard to know what advice to give. Some wives when this happens just let their husbands do it rather than act in a confrontational way. My suggestion would be if you husband is unwilling to change, continue to love him, and pray for his deliverance from his addiction, but don't leave. If things become unsafe, then leave the relationship, and do not return until he is willing to love you more than the inappropriate content.
 
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ToBeLoved

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I don’t think God’s Word supports separating or even thinking about ending a marriage over masturbation or inappropriate content.

If I were her, I would try to find out what is going on with him and his motivations. I don’t claim to know a lot as far as men inappropriate content and masturbation but my understanding is the odds are much higher than 1 in 4 Christian men. I have heard odds as high as 85 or 90 percent.

If the odds are this high, my point is that men seem to all almost be struggling in this area. If this is true, then the best way to help him might be to understand his issues better and to build trust and all that before humiliating him further.

Maybe he needs a men’s group where he can discuss it with other men. I don’t know.

If I were her, I would talk to the pastor and find out if this struggle is what happens in most other marriages and the pastor or
Advice for men that has helped them overcome it.
 
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Cheylynn

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You are definitely facing a trial my dearest. Your husband too. Oh but God sees it as nothing! What He desires is for you to press into Him....for this is the time for growing!
I have encouraging words that the Lord gave me and I'll refer you to my blog site
Way Truth & Life
Look for 'Anyone Sad? Fearful? Overwhelmed'
Because the rules do not permit me to share here.
I believe that many of my blog posts may be helpful and encouraging
What I share has come from walking through the fire as you are faced with.
Be encouraged dear one for He has overcome!
Blessings and peace be upon you
 
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Healing with Jesus

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Based on my understanding of your story, your husband blames you for not satisfying his sexual desires. I don't know if this is a legitimate complaint or not, but I'll just assume it is for the sake of explaining what I've learned in my own marriage.

Sex is very important to men. It is physically important - like blowing off steam, if you will... the pressure builds up if it's not released. And it's emotionally important. Most men have huge egos, whether they let on or not. Having their sexual desire satisfied is important for them to feel like their ego is being honored. And even though this isn't my favorite part of the male species, I voluntarily entered marriage with a man, so I understand it's part of my obligation to satisfy this desire of his. So I've learned, after many years, that even if I don't feel like doing it, I gotta get creative and do *something* that will satisfy him. If you catch my drift.

Did he ever communicate to you that he was feeling unsatisfied sexually?

The paths of communication between you two must be opened. He has to feel like he can come to you to say that he's feeling sexually neglected. You have to tell him you want to know when he feels that way, and that you'll be happy to meet his desires, one way or the other (within reason).

But first, there is some reconciliation that has to happen. He has to know you felt betrayed by his actions, and by his prior deception. But he also needs to know that you want to forgive him and get on a healing path.

I am not a fan of his reaction to your consult with your mentor. And I did not like to hear that he is keeping you from meeting with your pastor. But I also understand where he's coming from, just from years of experience of dealing with my own husband who sounds similarly defensive about his own issues. I am not excusing it, but I do think there is reconciliation that needs to happen here, both by him and you.

It comes down to a man's pride. And by the way... I would never say to my husband that he has a pride or ego issue. First of all, most men do and it's just the way they are. Secondly, it wouldn't help things and would just make him feel belittled or attacked. And of course, you want open, calm communication, not defensive, explosive banter that goes nowhere.

So, about pride. Women care about the way our marriage works on the inside. Men care greatly about how their marriage looks on the outside.

I have in the past, told people about issues in my marriage. I was convinced that I was doing myself a service by consulting with other people. But I really was doing damage to my marriage. I didn't necessarily mean to - well maybe sometimes I just wanted to vent - but I was disrespecting my husband. I was making him, and our marriage, look bad on the outside, instead of focusing on fixing it from the inside. He somehow knew, even if I didn't tell him. And he felt betrayed and unappreciated. It wasn't so much that we had anything to hide, but it was unfair to him. And it was only after years of doing this (and a painful separation) that I learned how wrong it was.

Now I have a therapist who is a licensed mental health counselor. When I need to check in about my marriage, I consult her. Even if you don't have a mental health issue, they are bound by law to keep confidentiality. So, while your mentor or pastor might be trustworthy, they are members of the community who know your husband and interact with him. And let's get real, they could spill the beans to anyone with no repercussions except maybe chastisement from the Spirit. Whereas a licensed counselor is legally bound to keep confidentiality, or they could lose their professional license and livelihood.

It can be difficult my dear, and I'm praying for you. I'm no expert on these things, and all I have to offer is my perspective from having been with a man who's also been defensive and manipulative.

You're wise to stay calm for the baby, and for yourself too. Pregnancy is not always a joy ride, especially when things are turbulent at home. So pray fervently. Cry out for God. Don't try to bury your fear. Sexual sin is visceral, and it scrapes off the delicate skin of trust in a marriage. I know you guys can rebuild it. Just try to turn toward each other instead of away.
 
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His reaction and turning it on you would be concerning to me. He is doing what is called "gaslighting". It is possible he may be trying to deflect you away from discovering more of his truth?

I would suggest you find out the full truth to see what is the actual problem you are trying to solve. Does his involvement stop at online inappropriate content? Is he interacting with specific women? Is there more to what you have discovered?

Generally you would need to dig around a bit to find this instead of asking. Try to do this discretely without him being aware. You can already see what will happen when you just ask.

Unless you know the scope of the problem you are facing, it's difficult discern the best course for resolution.
 
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Phil 1:21

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Unfortunately 1 in 4 CHRISTIAN men are addicted to inappropriate contentography. It IS an addiction and he needs professional help. I doubt that if he can't admit it and blames you, that he will listen to God without a mentor of his own.

But you do not just sit and wait for God to fix something you got into (marriage) ... He may not have put you there, but He will surely help you make the best decisions right now. You didn't say if your spouse is Christian: if he is, then he needs to seek out his pastor's help...and maybe a program for his addiction. It will not become better with time without consistent help, imo. It progresses because the eyes of the flesh consume them over time and will accelerate.

Tough love, my lady. If he won't seek real help and work with you on this, then get out, separate, until you have proof that he has. No reason to throw more into a marriage that just. will. not. work. the way it is...and you have to be the adult regarding the baby. Obvious (to me) he has no intention of being the spouse you thought you were marrying and you can NOT put the baby at risk either.

Excellent advice, and bears repeating.
 
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Kit Sigmon

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Long story short: we’ve been married for a year and a half. I am four months pregnant with our first child. I have been suspecting my husband of masturbating/watching inappropriate content for a few months and confronted him several times where he has lied straight to my face. Yesterday I caught him. He turned it around to being my fault because I don’t have sex with him every day. I called my mentor and friend to ask for advice as she has been through the same issue. I wanted to know how I can just forget something this devastating. I feel so betrayed. My husband found out I talked to her and now this entire situation has turned around to being all my fault, he has removed his ring, won’t talk to me and told me to leave. He said his trust for me is ruined because I talked to someone else about our marital problems. What am I supposed to do while I wait for God to take over? I’ve given this to Him but the waiting is breaking my heart and I’m trying not to stress in order to protect my baby.

First off, I want to ask is your friend and mentor sharing what you
have told her about your husband?
If your friend and mentor is talking and not keeping confidential
information...you don't need to be discussing anything else with her.


Discuss your marital problems with your husband, since this was attempted
and he denied everything...then you caught him in the very act and he tries
to make it your fault... is he still in that mode?
Has he admitted being at fault and having a problem with inappropriate content?
If he's not, then either one of you should move out...cause it's not going
to help if he's going to lie and say he don't have a problem.
He needs to own up to being addicted to inappropriate content and be willing to getting
professional counseling.
Check out this link...recommend it or something like it to your husband.
Find a Christian Counselor for inappropriate content Addiction - Covenant Eyes
 
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