Your right, I have a really good (head knowledge) Understanding of the gospel but unfortunately head knowledge isnt the same thing as knowing Jesus with your heart.
Many times in my youth over and over at church I remember feeling God speaking to my heart, urging me to go forward to the alter and receive him as Lord and Savior. The problem is that I never did what he was telling me to do and each time I resisted it became a little bit easier to do so the next time.
About 10yrs ago I fell under great conviction at a church service, I literally felt that God was telling me that it is now or never, he even showed me in my heart all the times that I walked away from him and if I walked away this time it would be the last time that he ever deals with my heart again. Still in my stubborness and stupidity and fear I didnt go forward, I left that service that night unconverted and I felt God warning my heart all the way out into the parking lot that I had better turn around and go back in and get saved. Sadly enough I didnt heed his call, I went home unconverted yet again.
For the next 10yrs I lived in a willfull lifestyle of unrepentant sin, never being bothered by it. It wasnt until a couple of years ago that I had a huge fear about the rapture happening and I was terrified because I knew I was not ready. I have been trying to find God now for 2yrs straight and I cannot find him! I have begged and cried and pleaded nearly every night as you have suggested and I only get silence in return.
Many people think that they can put off salvation until they are ready but the scriptures clearly point at that this is a lie from the devil.
"Today, if you will hear his voice harden not your heart"
That scripture does not read that if today you will hear his voice ignore him and call out to him at a more convenient time. Im really convinced that the Holy Ghost has left me to myself, im still alive on this earth but its as if the iron gates of Hell have slammed shut on me already.
Let me first tell you, that if your heart was hardened, you would not feel so strongly and seek so diligently for God...You would not care...This verse you are talking about in Hebrews is speaking of the Israelites as Moses led them out of Egypt and they wandered the desert for 40 years...They had no faith...They hardened their hearts out of disobedience and rebellion...They had no faith in God...So God said, they will not enter my rest...Our rest today is Jesus Christ...He is our rest for He took our burden and punishment and in Him alone we find rest....
Let me also tell you about John Wesley...For years John Wesley was burdened, he spent years preaching and converting as many as he could..But one day on a voyage home from America, he recorded in his journal, "I went to America to convert the Indians, but, O! who shall convert me?" John Wesley spent years preaching but was not even saved himself...It wasn't until he attended a meeting of a small religious society in London that he experienced a conversion while listening to a reading of Martin Luther's preface to Romans. Martin Luthers preface to Romans explains in detail of what Paul was trying to explain..for it says:
"Faith alone makes someone just and fulfills the law; faith it is that brings the Holy Spirit through the merits of Christ. The Spirit, in turn, renders the heart glad and free, as the law demands. Then good works proceed from faith itself. That is what Paul means in chapter 3 when, after he has thrown out the works of the law, he sounds as though he wants to abolish the law by faith. No! He says, we uphold the law through faith; we fulfill it through faith"
What you are lacking is faith...you are not believing in the promises of God. That we will find rest in Him once we put our entire faith in Him and believe His promises. We cannot repent ourselves before putting our entire faith in Jesus Christ...Martin Luther is saying that once we have faith and turn to Christ, it is then we willingly uphold God's law..We willingly repent. John Wesley was converted from this because he realized that he was trying to come to Christ by works..he was putting to much faith in himself rather than God....Repentance is a gift, we cannot do it ourselves...We must rely and trust the One who will give us that gift of repentance and complete it in us...If you truly trust God, you will willingly repent..
Thomas Watson explains the stages of genuine repentance 1) Recognition of Sin, 2) Sorrow for sin, 3) Shame of sin, 4) Confession for sin, 5) Forsaking of sin, 6) Hatred of sin.....Once we realize we have sinned against a Holy, just God we will feel such sorrow and shame and then we will confess our sins to God, and want to put our entire faith in Him, we will turn to Him and believe His promises, we will then hate our sin and follow through with continuing to repent daily.
We cannot put our trust in our feelings rather than God. His promises are true, despite our feelings. If I make a promise to my husband, that promise is true whether he is feeling happy or sad. If he doubts my word, then he brings a slur to my integrity. Anyone who genuinely repents and trusts in Christ will be saved. The Bible makes this promise: "He that has my commandments, and keeps them, he it is that loves me: and he that loves me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him" [John 14:21]. Theres the promise, and theres the condition. Any person who loves and obeys Jesus will begin a supernatural relationship with Him and the Father. He said, "And this is life eternal, that they might know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent" (John 17:3).
When you put your faith in Him, God will make you a new person from within. He will send His Spirit to live within you. You will have a new heart with new desires. You will suddenly become conscious of God and His creation. The Bible will open up to you and become a living Word, and you will have an inner witness that you are saved, that your name is written in heaven, and that death has lost its sting (1 John 5:1012).
Your emotional state right now was exactly what caused me to leave God for nearly 25 years!!! I was "saved" and attended a full gospel pentecostal church for maybe 5 years or so. I remember people would sob and some would jump up and down and dance in the Spirit...I never once sobbed nor did I feel the urge to jump up and down! The pastor and the head deaconess basically told me I wasnt spirit-filled and probably one of the goats instead of one of the sheep. So I quit going.So began my own questioning of whether or not I WAS actually saved and what was wrong with ME that I didnt feel the Holy Spirit reining down on me ? Well to make a long story short, I fell back into sin in a major way. MAJOR way!!!! Anyhow, to get to my point----I had one of those epiphany moments....I have never been one to cry during sad movies. There it was! I am just not an emotional person! No wonder I dont cry during church like others did! You are not like others either Robert! When you see Christians out there who are just SMILING away and praising God.....I would bet that for most, the biggest sin they ever committed was stealing cookies out of the cookie jar before dinner. Sometimes I think, the deeper into worldy sins we get, the worse we feel inside about what we have done, and the more satan works on us, because he wants to keep us to himself! As was mentioned earlier, the enemy LOVES to condemn us.....and sounds like he is having the time of his life with you right now. You're too good a person to listen to him any more! Praying the sinners prayer along with someone, is in my humble opinion, just repeating someone else's words. Forget all the "thee's and thou's" and talk to God from your heart. Talk to Him for as long as you want to....and with whatever words you want to use. Jesus wants to be a PERSONAL savior...then dont expect fireworks, or a choir of angels to sing before you. It mentions in the Bible about knocking and the door will open....well, if Jesus came in the flesh and knocked on your door, you would let Him in and offer him something cold to drink right? You wouldnt doubt one tiny bit that He was right there!!! in YOUR HOUSE!!!! His Spirit is knocking on your door and tho we cant see with our eyes, we have to trust with our spirit. Maybe you're like me...you arent led by your emotions. Do you use LIMEWIRE by any chance? Download some stuff by THIRD DAY.....listen to "Show Me Your Glory" "Just to be with you" or maybe you will find some other tunes by them that you really connect with. Listen to them when the enemy starts to mess with your mind. Read scripture...doesnt matter if you believe what you read at first.....the more often you read, the more things will begin to sink into your heart where now they are in your head. You're gonna be ALRIGHT kid!!!!!!Oh by the way....I only came back to God three weeks ago. I hadnt read the Bible all those years. 
