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How can I save my marriage

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Tater929, May 30, 2019.

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  1. Tater929

    Tater929 New Member

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    My wife and I have only been married 6 months, and she already wants a divorce. She is unwilling to do anything to try to fix our marriage as well. She says she doesn't feel loved by me and that she's never going to even try to love me until she feels I'm crazy about her. I try to do as much as I can for her, but it's never enough. I wait on her (like a servant) every day without complaining or asking to be appreciated. I take care of her because I want to. She tells me that husbands are supposed to take care of their wives so me pampering her all the time does not express love; it's my job. She is Ukranian and speaks fluently in both English and Russian. I have enrolled in Russian classes after work once a week and also purchased Rosetta Stone to try to learn Russian. Over these six months learning Russian, I can only see that it's made her more mad and hateful. She gets mad because I still don't speak it fluently. She expects me to be completely fluent already.

    One of her main issues with me comes from my inability to be the Godly spiritual leader of our family. I want to be the spiritual leader, but she is just so much smarter than me when it comes to knowing and understanding the Bible. She comes from a very religious family. At the beginning of our marriage, we would pray together at night. After a few weeks, she became angry with me because of how I pray. One time, it was because of the order of how I said things in my prayer. Another time was because I was wearing my boxers when I prayed and that was disrespectful. I would try to correct everything she told me about, but there was always something else. After being beaten down so much, I started asking her what she prays for (she prays in Russian). She refused to tell me. The more she criticized me, the more self conscious and scared I felt to even pray out loud. Eventually, we started praying silently on our own before bed. I'll admit, it may not have been the right solution, but I liked that solution. I felt that as long as we still talked to God, we'd be doing good and she would stop yelling and getting upset with me. Since then, I've asked her several times to pray together again, but she refuses to.

    I want to make her happy and feel loved. I want to do anything I can to save our marriage. When I ask her what I don't do, she tells me "everything". She'll tell me there's so much more I could be doing but won't tell me what it is. I'll be honest; I don't have the love for her that I once did, but I do still love her. I tell her I love her 100 times a day, but she says she wants wants to feel it. It's so hard because in my heart, I don't feel like she's giving me anything to love. It's hard to be crazy about someone who treats you horribly. I know the woman I fell in love with is in there, but the more she doesn't show me that woman, the harder it is for me to come up with things I can do to show her I love her. I've begged her to go to counseling, but she refuses. She will openly admit that she knows the counselor will tell her that she has to do something for the marriage, and she is not going to do anything. Please help! I will do anything to save our marriage!
     
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  2. drstevej

    drstevej Light Attracts Bugs Staff Member Chaplain Supporter

    +23,592
    United States
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    How did you meet this woman? Did she marry you to become a US citizen, If so, it might be good to talk with a Christian attorney to guard against further exploitation. Who married you. Did you two get any premarital counseling.

    Grace and Peace
    Chaplain Steve
     
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  3. Tater929

    Tater929 New Member

    4
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    We met at work. She was already a US citizen before we even met. We were married at the Baptist church where I am a member. She is a member of a Russian Baptist church in town. We had pre-marital counseling with the pastor at my church, but I honestly feel like she ignored him as he talked. When I suggest we talk to him again, or talk to her pastor, she refuses. And if I suggest I'll talk to them on my own, she threatens that it's only going to get worse, because she will hate me beyond repair if I do.
     
  4. drstevej

    drstevej Light Attracts Bugs Staff Member Chaplain Supporter

    +23,592
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    If you asked her what would make you feel loved what would she answer? Gary Chapman has some good insight in his book The Five Love Languages is insightful. Here is a summary link: Understanding the Five Love Languages

    If this doesn't help find a way to connect with her I wonder if there is something she is keeping from you.
     
  5. Hotinco

    Hotinco Member

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    So one issue we see with newlyweds is not meeting a preconceived unspoken expectation. One tool we have used is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages® . It is better if you do it together, if she is unwilling you can do it alone. While you may be doing everything you know to show your love if it is not her love language she does not see it.

    I highly recommend counseling, together is best but alone is better than not at all. Just be sure it is a Christian counselor. You can also try a small group, we do them often with either the 5 love languages or Hidden keys to Loving Relationships by Gary Smalley.
     
  6. Tater929

    Tater929 New Member

    4
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    United States
    Baptist
    Married
    We have both read that book. Her love language is quality time. We spend a lot of time together. It's the quality aspect of it that we struggle with. When she's talking, I can keep the conversation going. I love talking to her when she's into the conversation. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen much. She demands that I talk to her and I also have to be the one to start the conversation. I'm not a very big talker. That's just not my personality. So a lot of times, I kind of just throw out topics hoping to start the conversation. Occasionally, it works and I find a topic she'll converse with me about. Most of the time, however, it turns into me just asking her questions and she gets ticked off. I don't know what to do about that. Starting conversations or talking like a radio isn't my skillset, and it's a 1000x harder when she demands it with "why aren't you talking to me? Talk to me now!" after even just a minute of silence between us.
     
  7. Hotinco

    Hotinco Member

    62
    +60
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    Married
    US-Republican
    Here are a few things to try, Quality time is not just talking.

    • Plan A Romantic Weekend Away.
    • Take A Class Together. (here they offer cooking classes and such through rec center)
    • Play a game together. (cards or board game, video game)
    • Take A Road Trip. Fotolia. (go sightseeing, we will go look at model homes just for fun and ideas)
    • Make Date Night on a regular basis. ( and ask here out )
    • Go for a walk and just hold her hand

    I can tell you this, marriage is not a spectator sport, it requires constant attention. If you give up your next relationship will be even harder.

    Have you seen the movie Fireproof? There is also a toolkit that goes with the movie, it might be another option or place to start.

    I know when you are in the thick of it things can seem impossible, just remember God can make anything possible. Lean on your brothers at church, don't be afraid to ask them for help and support. Too often we see coujples struggle tiring to hide their problems thinking it marriage problems don't exist for Christians. That is so not true, I have been married for 30 years this October and sat with many couples in your shoes. I hope one day you can look back on this struggle together and see just a small bump in your long road.
     
  8. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +2,692
    Christian
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    If she is outright saying she will not try at all, tell her that is a non-starter. You both have to try.
     
  9. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

    +2,665
    Non-Denom
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    So 7 months ago, she wasn't like this?
     
  10. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,150
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Is it at all possible that she is seeing someone else? Often when a woman can't be pleased (when she could be pleased before), the reason is that she has a new point of comparison to you. A lot of women who insist on divorces in spite of tall efforts on the part of their husbands are actually in an affair. This means they have an addiction to someone else, so they behave as inexplicably as an addict would behave. Has she always been faithful to you during your relationship?

    Or, is she refusing to take medication she needs to be taking?
     
  11. 2PhiloVoid

    2PhiloVoid Must think of ........... Incredible Answer! Supporter

    +5,196
    United States
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    US-Others
    Why don't the two of you read the New Testament together a chapter at a time and discuss the contents you both find therein? Would she be interested in that interaction by chance?
     
  12. 2PhiloVoid

    2PhiloVoid Must think of ........... Incredible Answer! Supporter

    +5,196
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    Or, it could just be because she's 'Slavic.' :dontcare:
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
  13. Tater929

    Tater929 New Member

    4
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    United States
    Baptist
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    She had a pretty bad break up with an ex boyfriend before I met her. She didn't tell me much about him until after I proposed. When she did talk about him before I proposed, it didn't seem like there was anything there. After I proposed, she told me she still had feelings for him, but he is the one who broke up with her and he assured her that he would never take her back on several occasions. But during our engagement, he just wouldn't go away. He would call late at night. He would text her. Two weeks before our wedding, he told her that he was "ready to propose" to her if she wasn't getting married. I took that as "you break off your wedding and I'll marry you, but you have to be the one to break it off". She told him that she wasn't breaking off our wedding for him. But the way she said it definitely left it open that if he fought for her, she would have ended it with me. This probably should have opened my eyes, but I was blinded by my love for her. Now, when she keeps mentioning divorce, she keeps saying we're "wasting our time" as if she's on a time crunch. I believe you're right. She's addicted to him, and she's afraid the longer she stays with me, her window with him drops. She's 25 years old now; that is not too young to actually find someone else.

    One thing I can say is that I know she has been faithful. We're together all the time and she doesn't text him at all anymore. There's just been no opportunity for her to have been unfaithful. She threatens to cheat on me all the time saying it would be my fault because I don't make her happy. I personally believe she is clinically depressed and probably needs medication, but she refuses to see anyone. I've tried to suggest it in the most loving way and how it's nothing to be ashamed of, but she always replies that she wouldn't be depressed if she got rid of me.
     
  14. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +1,150
    United States
    Christian
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    Tater, I'm very sorry about this, but it is likely the root of your problem. There were certain things in your description about your situation that made me think this was likely.

    No matter how integrated your lives are, she can still always cheat. On her lunch hour is most likely if you don't see any evidence. Don't rest on this assumption. An addict will find ways to get a hit. I've known of affairees who meet up quickly when one is supposed to be at a grocery store. Your not seeing texts between them anymore doesn't mean anything. They could be using an app, she could be deleting them or she could have a burner phone.

    Based on your description, this is a cruel manipulation to blame you for her divorcing you. Then she'll introduce the other guy back in her life as having got back together after you divorced her.

    Her behavior is typical of someone who is in an affair. More than medication she needs to either end her marriage or end her addiction to this other person. If she is suffering depression it's a consequence of vacillating between knowing she is doing wrong and doing it.

    Don't confront her; just quietly gather evidence to so you can prove they are in contact. Once you have the evidence, still don't confront her. If it were me, I would expose the affair (once you have evidence) and, given this is a short marriage with no children, I would file for divorce. Otherwise you are looking at a lifetime of these behaviors and this situation, which is a result of purposeful devilishness on her part, and is not what you signed up for when you took your vows.

    Exposure is telling people who are important in her life that you are very grieved by her affair and will therefore be ending the marriage. It is important to expose it for many reasons. Trust me, you will regret it if you do not do this. If you do not expose you will be painted all around town as a monster and blamed for the dissolution of the marriage. You will end up suffering consequences that do not belong to you.

    Edited to add: Never threaten exposure or let her know ahead of time. Never use exposure for blackmail (not that you would). Just do the exposure and let her hear about it from the people you contacted.
     
  15. EmmaCat

    EmmaCat ALL Heartbeats matter Supporter Angels Team CF Ambassadors

    +1,924
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    I would advise that both of you seek advice of a marital counselor before dealing with the issue of divorce. Perhaps maybe that help would address all the issues involved within your marriage in time.

    I will pray for you both.

    All good things
    Emmy
     
  16. Swan7

    Swan7 Made in the image of His Grace Supporter

    +6,728
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    God actually divorced Israel for their unfaithfulness of idolatry which He looks at as adultery. However, since the beginning He knew this and made a plan for their redemption on the cross. Jesus had to die for Israel to be able to come back to Him, being the Bridegroom, and at the same time He died for all. What an amazing love story!

    There is a picture painted in the OT of just how God was absolutely grieved by this adultery: Jeremiah

    If you place your life in His hands, He can clean up any mess we make by accident (like a little child). We all need Christ's help and guidance. Especially in the face of divorce, which I read the entire thread and it seems to me that both parties involved made a big mistake. However, still not irreconcilable, it can still be fixed with God's guidance. :yellowheart:
     
  17. Odetta

    Odetta Thankful for grace

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    ..
     
  18. Newtheran

    Newtheran Well-Known Member

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    Good grief.

    After reading this, I've spent a considerable amount of time trying to come up with a diplomatic way to say "grow a pair and kick her butt to the curb." Couldn't do it.

    You don't need a counselor, you need a divorce lawyer...and absolutely, positively don't have children with this woman. You don't need your offspring being raised by someone this dysfunctional.
     
  19. iLove

    iLove Newbie

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    How can I save my marriage ? By placing and maintaining your Faith exclusively in Christ and the Cross (The Lamb of God) and receive the help you need by the power of the Holy Spirit.

    Your Word for Today

    “but He answered and said, It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and cast it to dogs. And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table. Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is your faith: be it unto you even as you will. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour (Mat. 15:26-28).

    The lesson taught here is remarkable indeed! A Gentile lady comes to Christ and requests deliverance for her daughter.

    As a Minister of the Circumcision for the Truth of God to fulfill the Promises made to the Fathers, Christ refused to answer the Gentile petition addressed to him as Son of David. Obedience must dominate pity. As Man, He was “sent”; He was, therefore, a Servant. Hence, the silence of Verse 23, i.e., “He answered her not a word.”

    As stated, there was a reason for that, so He will take another tact. He said to her, “It is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it to dogs.” Her answer was classic. She said, “Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters’ table.”

    She had previously addressed him as Son of David, to which He could not respond, because she was a Gentile. Now she addresses Him as “Lord.” As God, He has liberty of action; in Grace, He could respond to the need which Faith presented to that Grace. Otherwise, He would have denied His Own Character and Nature as God.

    Her plea, “Lord, help me,” was better than her first one. But she did not get blessing until she added, “I am a dog.” This was the same ground the publican took when he said, “Be propitiated to me the sinner.”

    If deliverance from the power of sin and Satan be a crumb, what must the whole loaf be!”

    —Donnie Swaggart (taken from the “Word for Every Day”)
    Donnie Swaggart
     
  20. EmmaCat

    EmmaCat ALL Heartbeats matter Supporter Angels Team CF Ambassadors

    +1,924
    United States
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    Married
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    By the way, I just caught this. What's a Russian Baptist Church? Aren't most Ukranian/Russian churches their Orthodox churches?

    I have never heard of Russians being Baptists. Please let me know. I need to learn these things.

    All good things
    Emmy
     
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