how can I reconcile a huge moral dilemma when it comes to personal

[worriedmommie]

I would first off want to start by saying that I had completely misjudged my sister in law and her husband. I have always believed them to be charlatans due to some if their actions but after staying with them for a week I have come to realize how much love is in their hearts.
But that being said I am confronted with A HUGE moral dilemma.
Recently I found out that my husband was hiding his poronography addiction. Not only was he looking at inappropriate content (picturesand erotic stories) he was creating it too. The most disturbing thing is that this inappropriate content he likes is centered around snuff and cooking women as food. It was horrifying that he even shared his fantasy of cooking me to strangers on the internet. When I found out, I took our son and approached my sister in law about staying there. Due to some bad blood I had to really really humble my self to them and share with them the reason I was seeking safe harbor. After a lot of pleading they allowed me to stay.
To my surprise, once they said yes everything changed. They never mentioned again any past slight, they treated me and my son as one of them, they feed us the same as they fed their child and themselves, basically for all intents and purposes we were allowed the same comforts they afford them selves while we are under their roof. For that I am 1000% thankful and grateful. Now here is my moral dilemma. In the end my sister in law and her husband ARE charlatans and rather unrepentant about that. They are constantly engaged in retail fraud, employment fraud and such. They are very proud of the fact that they get away with what they do. They proudly trumpet their disdain for civil authority and what not. In contrast my husband and his family are very staunchly law and order types. In truth I am a law and order type.
So this is what I an trying to reconcile within my own heart. My sister in law's husband is a proud charlatan. He alreadymakes a good amount of money at his job as an executive at a construction company but he still feels the need to hustle for more. He is constantly return frauding retail stores and he picks up contract work on the side by hiring undocumented day laborers. In the past I use to judge him really harshly for doing these things but now after spending a week living in his home it is obvious he does these things out of love for his wife and daughter. He completely spoils them. Does this justify him breaking the law? No but it is at least done out of love of his family. Now I contrast that to my own husband. My husband would never ever break the law. And like I did in the past he very harshly condemned the criminal behavior of his brother in law. However while I was out working to support us and while his brother in law is spending his time working/hustling for his family, my husband was off in his fantasy fetish land. When I confronted him about this, he defended himself by saying that there is nothing illegal about having a fetish. When I approached his parents because I didn't feel safe staying in our home, they too defended him by saying it is just a harmless fetish and I needed to be less judgemental and that despite this he is a good honest man.
To me my moral dilemma lies in the fact that those who toute law and order showed so much less love and understanding than those who are proud to be thieves and scoundrels. (I am not being judgemental of the brother in law here, he says himself that he is the King of Thieves and that I am welcome to stay in "Pirates Cove". How do I reconcile this in my own heart and soul.

 

[HereIStand]

Try to save money and find other living arrangements. Staying with in-laws long-term, even under the best of circumstances, is not a good thing.

 

[worriedmommie]

Try to save money and find other living arrangements. Staying with in-laws long-term, even under the best of circumstances, is not a good thing.

I know, that's what I am doing. And that too is another component of my moral dilemma. Like I said my sister in law's husband picks up a lot of under the table contract work to supplement his already massive income. The area we are living in is still rebuilding from the hurricane. He had offered me money to supervise a crew when he is at his regular job. On one hand that is income but in the other hand he is using undocumented labor. So on one hand it is against the laws of the land but on the other it does seem fair. I don't know whether to accept or not.

 

[Aimz]

Hello,

My anecdotal advice would be to take your anxieties to God and let Him comfort your Spirit and go back home to your husband and love him like you vowed to do for better for worse in sickness and in health. Pray together and ask God to help the relationship. I think rereading Ephesians 5 will be helpful too.

Rev 22:11
Let the one who is doing harm continue to do harm; let the one who is vile continue to be vile; let the one who is righteous continue to live righteously; let the one who is holy continue to be holy.

Take care and all the best,
Aimz.

 

[Drick]

It's a very uncomfortable thing to talk about. You'd be surprised how common the particular fetish your husband has is. Everyone has degenerate fantasies, though most of us don't feel pressed to talk about them with strangers.

Moreover, fetishized fantasies tend to be nothing more than that. So you don't have to worry about him eating you. Another weird thing that some people fantasize about is inflation, where essentially, they get sexually excited by the idea of a person swelling like a balloon. Silly, isn't it? The point being that it's not his Ego that's responsible, but the Id. It's divorced from reality, and he's almost certainly not a danger to you or your child.

Now, you two definitely have a lot to hash out, but I suggest you try to work it out. If he felt the need to resort to this, there's probably something (non-cannibalistic) that's deficient in his sex life. Of course, if you do reconcile, you don't want him doing this again. It sounds like you both have perfect grounds for negotiation to me.

Most of all, think of your son. Are you willing to deprive him of a secure family relationship for your own sake? I don't know about you, but if, say, my hypothetical wife and mother of my children secretly had fantasies wherein she had relations with multiple other men, I'd go out of my way to work it out in private. Though I wouldn't approve by any stretch of the imagination, taking into account that she didn't actually go out and defile herself, thereby solidly breaking her oath, I wouldn't dare risk the development of a child for something that's ultimately, though through a good deal of effort, reconcilable.

 

[worriedmommie]

My anecdotal advice would be to take your anxieties to God and let Him comfort your Spirit and go back home to your husband and love him like you vowed to do for better for worse in sickness and in health. Pray together and ask God to help the relationship. I think rereading Ephesians 5 will be helpful too.

It's a very uncomfortable thing to talk about. You'd be surprised how common the particular fetish your husband has is. Everyone has degenerate fantasies, though most of us don't feel pressed to talk about them with strangers.

Moreover, fetishized fantasies tend to be nothing more than that. So you don't have to worry about him eating you. Another weird thing that some people fantasize about is inflation, where essentially, they get sexually excited by the idea of a person swelling like a balloon. Silly, isn't it? The point being that it's not his Ego that's responsible, but the Id. It's divorced from reality, and he's almost certainly not a danger to you or your child.

Now, you two definitely have a lot to hash out, but I suggest you try to work it out. If he felt the need to resort to this, there's probably something (non-cannibalistic) that's deficient in his sex life. Of course, if you do reconcile, you don't want him doing this again. It sounds like you both have perfect grounds for negotiation to me.

Most of all, think of your son. Are you willing to deprive him of a secure family relationship for your own sake? I don't know about you, but if, say, my hypothetical wife and mother of my children secretly had fantasies wherein she had relations with multiple other men, I'd go out of my way to work it out in private. Though I wouldn't approve by any stretch of the imagination, taking into account that she didn't actually go out and defile herself, thereby solidly breaking her oath, I wouldn't dare risk the development of a child for something that's ultimately, though through a good deal of effort, reconcilable.

He also wrote stories about our 14 year old niece. About how he hopes by the time she is legal she will be fattened up enough to roast line a turkey.
I am not actually afraid of him cooking or eating anyone. One it is the betrayal that he shared intimate knowledge of me to strangers. Two, I am clearly not enough as he hashes out his fantasies of other women. Three, he is spending time, energy and money in this fantasy when his family is in need.

 

[YesMe]

Usually, when something does not work in your lives, we tend to develop all sorts of addictions and things that we would normally not do just to fill the gap created by our problems.My humble advice, try to talk with your husband of why he developed such an addiction, there are ways to beat any addiction, God provides way at any time, it is us who make the choices.For your shake and for your children shake, he should stop from this addiction and to return to Jesus, there is one and only way to be new being, accepting Jesus with everything you are...

 

[Aimz]

You have confronted him, you have brought witnesses, you can now go to the church elders, then you can go outside of the church for help.

He also wrote stories about our 14 year old niece. About how he hopes by the time she is legal she will be fattened up enough to roast line a turkey.
I am not actually afraid of him cooking or eating anyone. One it is the betrayal that he shared intimate knowledge of me to strangers. Two, I am clearly not enough as he hashes out his fantasies of other women. Three, he is spending time, energy and money in this fantasy when his family is in need.

 

[Endeavourer]

I would not take the advice offered above to go back to him. If you do it will just be more of the same; you supporting him to stay home while he fantasizes online about cooking you up and eating you.

I would not consider taking him back until he seriously repents and provides online accountability for at least a year where you can see he has not touched internet inappropriate content of any kind. It takes at least a year to prove out a change of that magnitude - especially since he is used to gratifying it almost all day long.

Has your son been exposed to his screen while your son was home alone with him? It might be a conversation to have with your son.

The doctrine of staying in your marriage regardless of circumstances is not Biblical at all. It is an extra-Biblical fence against divorce.

 

[Endeavourer]

... sorry, should have added.... and during the year is engaged in productive employment, providing child support to you and maximizing his financial contribution to the extent his skills allow.

 

[Endeavourer]

As to your brother-in-laws extra activities, I'd just mind your own business and let it up to them as a matter of their conscience at this time.

At a later time, if you are able to offer a word in season - in a loving and tactful way, consider that. You are not their deputy Holy Spirit, but are called to show a witness with your behavior and actions.

 

[HereIStand]

I know, that's what I am doing. And that too is another component of my moral dilemma. Like I said my sister in law's husband picks up a lot of under the table contract work to supplement his already massive income. The area we are living in is still rebuilding from the hurricane. He had offered me money to supervise a crew when he is at his regular job. On one hand that is income but in the other hand he is using undocumented labor. So on one hand it is against the laws of the land but on the other it does seem fair. I don't know whether to accept or not.

I wish I could be more help. So sorry that you are going through this.

Using undocumented (especially of illegal immigrants) labor in construction and other industries seems to be a widespread problem. It's not fair and undercuts legal labor. Society as a whole really needs to address it.

 

[worriedmommie]

As to your brother-in-laws extra activities, I'd just mind your own business and let it up to them as a matter of their conscience at this time.

At a later time, if you are able to offer a word in season - in a loving and tactful way, consider that. You are not their deputy Holy Spirit, but are called to show a witness with your behavior and actions.

This is what I am doing. I have apologized to him about how I criticized his way of life in the past. What I am asking in this thread is more on a philosophical level to better understand the nature of right and wrong for myself. Like I said, my sister in law and her husband very proudly call themselves scoundrels and charlatans. Yet the way the love each other, the way they opened their home to my son and I and the way they dismissed all past wrongs is mind blowing. Then my husband and his parents, they always harp on right is right wrong is wrong. They use to guilt me whenever I would download a movie or song because it was illegal yet to them a twisted fetish is ok. And to them I am the one who doesn't have love in my heart and I am the one who is too judgemental. And they are now accusing me of taking refuge amongst theives and exposing my son to a criminal element (that being my sister in law's husband). They tell me they don't want their son/grandson learning abutting negative from his uncle. They say that although what my husband does is "wierd" it was all private and legal as opposed to the uncle's transgressions which are public and very much illegal.

 

[worriedmommie]

I wish I could be more help. So sorry that you are going through this.

Using undocumented (especially of illegal immigrants) labor in construction and other industries seems to be a widespread problem. It's not fair and undercuts legal labor. Society as a whole really needs to address it.

So you see my internal moral struggle? My sister in law's husband does not care to keep the law. He openly flouts it. Yet he shows a lot of love, to his wife, to his daughter, to his employees both documented and non, to myself, and to my son. My husband and his parents however, keep the law and are staunch champions of law and order yet they will dismiss the ills of inappropriate contentography and dark fetishes by saying they aren't illegal and that I am being too judgemental.

 

[HereIStand]

So you see my internal moral struggle? My sister in law's husband does not care to keep the law. He openly flouts it. Yet he shows a lot of love, to his wife, to his daughter, to his employees both documented and non, to myself, and to my son. My husband and his parents however, keep the law and are staunch champions of law and order yet they will dismiss the ills of inappropriate contentography and dark fetishes by saying they aren't illegal and that I am being too judgemental.

I understand. My advice would be to look over the infractions of your in-laws. Not that you have to agree with their actions.

As for your husband's parents, it's really too bad that would take his side on this. There is nothing good about any type of inappropriate contentography, but this...I thought that I had been around the block, but that's a new one.

 

[Endeavourer]

As to your brother-in-laws extra activities, I'd just mind your own business and let it up to them as a matter of their conscience at this time.

At a later time, if you are able to offer a word in season - in a loving and tactful way, consider that. You are not their deputy Holy Spirit, but are called to show a witness with your behavior and actions.

This is what I am doing. I have apologized to him about how I criticized his way of life in the past.

Honestly, I think you are showing a lot of wisdom in your course of action. I can't imagine how hard it must be to even think straight right now, so good job!

What I am asking in this thread is more on a philosophical level to better understand the nature of right and wrong for myself. Like I said, my sister in law and her husband very proudly call themselves scoundrels and charlatans. Yet the way the love each other, the way they opened their home to my son and I and the way they dismissed all past wrongs is mind blowing.

They likely see these as victim-less crimes. Yet they have a heart for people. I'd just be thankful for the latter and leave the former up to them at this time.

Then my husband and his parents, ..... I am the one who doesn't have love in my heart and I am the one who is too judgemental. And they are now accusing me of taking refuge amongst theives and exposing my son to a criminal element (that being my sister in law's husband).

HA! This is quite rich. They don't see the way your husband perpetrated a theft of all of these years of your life and your wages with his behavior? How different would your life have been if he had been a financial contributor and had not been betraying you sexually all this time?

They tell me they don't want their son/grandson learning abutting negative from his uncle.

ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING at this one!!!!!! What about your son happening upon his father's computer history? What if it would have been your son who came across it instead of you? Are you sure he hasn't?

 

[Poppyseed78]

Of course your husband's parents will defend him. He is their son, and they will downplay his wrongdoing. They may also be embarrassed by his activities and would rather be in denial about the seriousness of this matter. I would not discuss these issues with them in the future because I don't think it will be helpful in any way.

inappropriate contentography on its own is troubling but would not prompt me to separate from my husband. But the fantasies of killing you and eating you, that's on a whole other level. I would be very uncomfortable with that. Even if it is fantasy, and he has no intention of doing that, it's also a betrayal of your trust for him to share his sexuality with other people. I'm sorry you're going through this. I would insist on marital counseling.

 

[worriedmommie]

I understand. My advice would be to look over the infractions of your in-laws. Not that you have to agree with their actions.

As for your husband's parents, it's really too bad that would take his side on this. There is nothing good about any type of inappropriate contentography, but this...I thought that I had been around the block, but that's a new one.

There is nothing good about any type of inappropriate contentography

 

[Endeavourer]

I would insist on marital counseling.

He is not even close to being ready for marital counseling.

I'd let him prove his repentance for at least a year and then consider marital counseling, only IF he was overwhelmingly successful in his proof and IF I wanted to sign up for a very long marital recovery - possibly even lifelong.

It is my conviction you have Biblical grounds to terminate the marriage and not consider reconciliation or counseling at all.

 

[worriedmommie]

They likely see these as victim-less crimes. Yet they have a heart for people. I'd just be thankful for the latter and leave the former up to them at this time.

This in and of it self is the crux of my philosophical introspection. Don't get me wrong I am 1000% thank full for them and their heart. They refuse to keep the law, they despise the law but truly their hearts are full of love. And yes, they do believe what they are doing is victim-less. The husband believes corporations aren't people so it is OK to steal from them and he feels that labor laws interfere with the free market. It is just a lot to take in for me. Finding out that my husband is not so I thought, and having my whole moral out look shaken is very difficult.