Hopeless...

[Felipe Barbosa]

Hi,

My name is Felipe, I'm 24 years old and since adolescence I have suicidal thoughts. I've already looked for help, but I'm afraid to take medicine forever (I do not have the money to go to therapy and the psychiatrist at the same time).

I have serious social interaction problems, I am an only child and my parents have always been overprotective of everything.

I was born in the church, then I stopped going to adolescence and now I go back to attend.

I feel very bad about having difficulty in social interaction, I also feel like crap.

I do not have a good relationship with God, I can not even relate to other humans, I have a hard time believing that there is hope for my case, I have a hard time believing that God cares about my daily life since no one ever cared. I'm not talking about physical healing or money, that's not my problem, I mean I really feel very bad when there are people around me. I live in Rio de Janeiro and I never went to the beach, I went to the movies for the first time at age 22, I have to make a lot of mental effort to get out of my house, work is torture for me, I totally exhaust myself.

I am calm on the outside, I learned not to cause problems for the people / my parents, I learned to always avoid the fights, but inside, I feel very angry, I feel burn.

I try to pray, however, day to day makes me very discouraged, there are many things inside me, I do not feel a man (I do not have an example at home, my father only knows how to bow his head to my mother, she is explosive and he is calm), I wonder why I'm still alive, I've lived on autopilot but I'm tired of doing things just to please my parents.

Thanks in advance.

 

[DW1980]

Hi

This sounds like a horrible situation to live with, if you cannot afford a psychiatrist and medicine, could you join an online group? You definitely need the support from others who have been through this.

As for God, I wonder what you mean by not feeling like a man? I know we all have cultural standards - but God wants you to be you - to be the person he created you to be. He knows all your struggles, and he invites you now to cast them onto him. These are burdens you were never meant to carry alone. So take some time with God. It's okay to vent at him too, he knows what you are thinking.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi; sounds like you have also avoided a lot of problems that some ppl your age have.

John 14.1-27 and Psalm 46 are great, encouraging passages for the believer.

Good to see you.

 

[Jeshu]

Hi there! Please know that God loves you dearly and would love you to come to your full potential, also as a man. Please understand that you are stuck with your own negative thoughts and interaction would be really helpful. Consider joining an online group - like here - for love, advice and support.

It is very hard to survive depression when it gets bad and it sounds like you are in it bad. The good news is Jesus loves you like anything and would love to help you out. It is about getting to know Him. The Bible is a good book to do that with.

Much love and many blessings your way.

To God's Depressed Child,

To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.

 

[Felipe Barbosa]

Hi

This sounds like a horrible situation to live with, if you cannot afford a psychiatrist and medicine, could you join an online group? You definitely need the support from others who have been through this.

As for God, I wonder what you mean by not feeling like a man? I know we all have cultural standards - but God wants you to be you - to be the person he created you to be. He knows all your struggles, and he invites you now to cast them onto him. These are burdens you were never meant to carry alone. So take some time with God. It's okay to vent at him too, he knows what you are thinking.

I don't know online groups, I'll search.

I have great difficulty with this question of masculinity, I wonder what is right between God's standard and the cultural standard, like the music of P.O.D - Youth of the Nation, as well as one of the youngsters of music, I was never one of the guys.

I am shy, introverted, difficult to express myself, to talk to people, I almost do not leave home so I do not know many places, I do not know how to fight, and I do not know how to do a lot of things at home, like repairs for example, i do not have a good relationship with other men either, I do not have male friends, i've also always been a nerd, this is not very masculine, I like arts and games, I've always been very bad at sports. I don't know how to do many things that men my age know how to do, I always behave strangely or weirdly, it's like my brain works differently.

These and many other things make me feel very bad, I feel like a useless.

Thanks.

 

[Felipe Barbosa]

Hi; sounds like you have also avoided a lot of problems that some ppl your age have.

John 14.1-27 and Psalm 46 are great, encouraging passages for the believer.

Good to see you.

What do you mean, I avoided? I did not quite understand. In fact I feel much better at home than on the street with other people, though I do not quite know what is right or wrong, however I have many doubts about what is right, when I was little, my parents were from a denomination where even playing football was a sin as well as going to the movies and going to the beach.

It's been a long time, but it still affects me.
For example, dating, today I date (a long story, let's say I had help), but I realize that my lack of experience in contact with girls disturbs me a lot (she is my first girlfriend, I met her at 22), I'm not talking about anything physical, but human interaction itself, At the same time that I hear a lot of people say that one should not date in youth almost nobody follows this "rule", today I realize that many young people dating as a natural consequence with the contact with the opposite sex, something that starts from a friendship even, as I always had this difficulty of interaction I had never had that experience before.

 

[DW1980]

I don't know online groups, I'll search.

I have great difficulty with this question of masculinity, I wonder what is right between God's standard and the cultural standard, like the music of P.O.D - Youth of the Nation, as well as one of the youngsters of music, I was never one of the guys.

I am shy, introverted, difficult to express myself, to talk to people, I almost do not leave home so I do not know many places, I do not know how to fight, and I do not know how to do a lot of things at home, like repairs for example, i do not have a good relationship with other men either, I do not have male friends, i've also always been a nerd, this is not very masculine, I like arts and games, I've always been very bad at sports. I don't know how to do many things that men my age know how to do, I always behave strangely or weirdly, it's like my brain works differently.

These and many other things make me feel very bad, I feel like a useless.

Thanks.

Then you are a lot like me - I don't like sports, can't fight (I can run a bit though ), I can't do DIY, but am I less of a man? No! Where I live, being a "nerd" isn't feminine, it is masculine but not "macho", which is maybe a subtle distinction.

Here's the thing, God is far more concerned with having an intimate relationship with you. He's also far more concerned with your holiness than your masculinity. I wouldn't worry about that - be yourself

 

[Tempura]

I'm glad that you're looked for help. And even if money is tight, therapy can be a really good thing. It's not only about recognizing patterns in your thoughts and the certain "cages" we put ourselves in when we feel trapped, but it's also about leaning to challenge those cages in our own terms, in a safe environment. Therapy helped me, although it did take a lot of time, and I quit it a few times but I always went back in.

It seems like you're already recognizing a lot of things about you, you clearly know many things that are bothering you, and you're "investigating" yourself in a way. This is good. It can be exciting too, if we could just step outside of our minds for a while, and study ourselves in that way, instead of feeling like we're controlled by our limitations, fears and discomfort.

Don't worry about masculinity. Although that's something I've struggled with too, a bit. It's like one of those teenage insecurities, but it just didn't go away, because I had no faith in myself or no love towards myself. It just became a way for to me criticize myself and to compare myself to others in a negative way. It's like a trap that's hard to get out of. I kind of got over that when I started lifting weights in my own home. But not because I suddenly looked more muscular, but because I channeled that useless anger into heavy work, it was therapeutic, as many forms of exercise often are.

I'm still shy, and I don't fight - which is a thing we shouldn't do, unless we're absolutely forced to it. I learned to accept my shyness and many other things about be. That's what it's ultimately about, to accept ourselves and even our weaknesses (or what we might perceive as weaknesses). Because I don't criticize other shy people, and I'm sure you don't criticize them either, why should we be the exceptions? People are different, and that's not a bad thing. Some of my heroes were horrible at sports and took interest in arts. I would have never heard some of the most important music in my life if those people didn't embrace themselves, and if they instead tried to be "manly" men. There's a reason people are interested in different things.

About your difficulties of going outside and being around people, that's certainly something therapy can help you with, and I can relate to a point. But have you noticed the progress you made? You say you went to the movies at age 22, and you turn it against yourself. The main point is this: you did it, you went there, and judging by what you wrote, it was a hard thing for you to do. But you did it. Everything we do, especially the things that are hard to us, become a little easier the more we do it. You say you burn with anger, like I did too. Anger can consume a person, it's a horrible burden to carry. But we can channel that anger into something useful, we can turn it into energy, if we just try to learn to do it. Myself, back in the day, I started exercising and lifting weights like I said. When I was furious for myself for just being inside all day, I got so angry that I went for a jog or a walk, as if I wanted to insult that part of me who gives in to fear. Someone might use anger to clean up their messy apartment, to get that final push from it. Suddenly anger becomes our slave, instead of us being slaves to anger.

You also said you're dating. See? You're getting better at everything. It doesn't matter if you got help. You're getting new experiences, you're not fully in your comfort zone, you're reaching out a bit.

It's always so easy to just give advice on the internet without actually knowing a person, so I apologize if it seems like I'm just spouting platitudes. I'd still advise you to go to therapy, and unless there's definitely something "wrong" with you, you probably don't have to think about meds too much unless everything just becomes absolutely unbearable and you need that crutch (and if money is tight but you need some meds, give me a PM and I can help you out a little and send some money via PayPal). It can help you to recognize a lot of thought patterns you didn't know were there, and to get a little better at many things, including accepting yourself as a human being that has worth. I will also congratulate you for getting out of your comfort zone even a little, and challenging your fears or feelings of discomfort.

I was sheltered too, and there was a time when I was a horrible mess, full of fear and anger, abusing drugs and alcohol to the point I could've died, thinking that I'd have to kill myself. But I didn't. Those were the times when I really embraced God too, when I had to shatter that barricade against His love, and I really started my spiritual search back then. God has been good to me, and my troubles have taught me a lot of things I wouldn't have known otherwise.

Said a prayer for you. God bless you.

 

[Felipe Barbosa]

Then you are a lot like me - I don't like sports, can't fight (I can run a bit though ), I can't do DIY, but am I less of a man? No! Where I live, being a "nerd" isn't feminine, it is masculine but not "macho", which is maybe a subtle distinction.

Here's the thing, God is far more concerned with having an intimate relationship with you. He's also far more concerned with your holiness than your masculinity. I wouldn't worry about that - be yourself

I can't run

The problem of being myself is what people think and talk about. I know I should not care about that, but I can't.

 

[Felipe Barbosa]

I'm glad that you're looked for help. And even if money is tight, therapy can be a really good thing. It's not only about recognizing patterns in your thoughts and the certain "cages" we put ourselves in when we feel trapped, but it's also about leaning to challenge those cages in our own terms, in a safe environment. Therapy helped me, although it did take a lot of time, and I quit it a few times but I always went back in.

It seems like you're already recognizing a lot of things about you, you clearly know many things that are bothering you, and you're "investigating" yourself in a way. This is good. It can be exciting too, if we could just step outside of our minds for a while, and study ourselves in that way, instead of feeling like we're controlled by our limitations, fears and discomfort.

Don't worry about masculinity. Although that's something I've struggled with too, a bit. It's like one of those teenage insecurities, but it just didn't go away, because I had no faith in myself or no love towards myself. It just became a way for to me criticize myself and to compare myself to others in a negative way. It's like a trap that's hard to get out of. I kind of got over that when I started lifting weights in my own home. But not because I suddenly looked more muscular, but because I channeled that useless anger into heavy work, it was therapeutic, as many forms of exercise often are.

I'm still shy, and I don't fight - which is a thing we shouldn't do, unless we're absolutely forced to it. I learned to accept my shyness and many other things about be. That's what it's ultimately about, to accept ourselves and even our weaknesses (or what we might perceive as weaknesses). Because I don't criticize other shy people, and I'm sure you don't criticize them either, why should we be the exceptions? People are different, and that's not a bad thing. Some of my heroes were horrible at sports and took interest in arts. I would have never heard some of the most important music in my life if those people didn't embrace themselves, and if they instead tried to be "manly" men. There's a reason people are interested in different things.

About your difficulties of going outside and being around people, that's certainly something therapy can help you with, and I can relate to a point. But have you noticed the progress you made? You say you went to the movies at age 22, and you turn it against yourself. The main point is this: you did it, you went there, and judging by what you wrote, it was a hard thing for you to do. But you did it. Everything we do, especially the things that are hard to us, become a little easier the more we do it. You say you burn with anger, like I did too. Anger can consume a person, it's a horrible burden to carry. But we can channel that anger into something useful, we can turn it into energy, if we just try to learn to do it. Myself, back in the day, I started exercising and lifting weights like I said. When I was furious for myself for just being inside all day, I got so angry that I went for a jog or a walk, as if I wanted to insult that part of me who gives in to fear. Someone might use anger to clean up their messy apartment, to get that final push from it. Suddenly anger becomes our slave, instead of us being slaves to anger.

You also said you're dating. See? You're getting better at everything. It doesn't matter if you got help. You're getting new experiences, you're not fully in your comfort zone, you're reaching out a bit.

It's always so easy to just give advice on the internet without actually knowing a person, so I apologize if it seems like I'm just spouting platitudes. I'd still advise you to go to therapy, and unless there's definitely something "wrong" with you, you probably don't have to think about meds too much unless everything just becomes absolutely unbearable and you need that crutch (and if money is tight but you need some meds, give me a PM and I can help you out a little and send some money via PayPal). It can help you to recognize a lot of thought patterns you didn't know were there, and to get a little better at many things, including accepting yourself as a human being that has worth. I will also congratulate you for getting out of your comfort zone even a little, and challenging your fears or feelings of discomfort.

I was sheltered too, and there was a time when I was a horrible mess, full of fear and anger, abusing drugs and alcohol to the point I could've died, thinking that I'd have to kill myself. But I didn't. Those were the times when I really embraced God too, when I had to shatter that barricade against His love, and I really started my spiritual search back then. God has been good to me, and my troubles have taught me a lot of things I wouldn't have known otherwise.

Said a prayer for you. God bless you.

Thanks, i did not much like the therapy, but it was kind of good, the problem was that the treatment method was social exposure which causes me a lot of discomfort, I was not getting through without medication. I can get out without medicine, but I feel very bad afterwards.

I think I have managed to identify some things that bother me, the problem is that I see no way out for them, they are many things and I do not know what is right or wrong.

I feel like doing some exercise or sport, the problem now is that I do not have the time and the money

On the physical form and know how to fight, I think this is something natural of man, unfortunately nowadays work leads us to a sedentary life, I do not like being fat, I never liked it although some people close say that I am not I have much fat. I do not criticize other timid people, but most people in the world do, it rages at me, even in the church, always comes that verse that says the timid will not inherit the kingdom of the heavens, sometimes I keep thinking about it and I feel discouraged. People are individual and different, but not society, so I like to be alone, when we are in group we are forced to follow social rules of behavior, anything different is cause for criticism.

About the anger control I found interesting, I had heard something about it but never tried, I will try some things.

About dating.. eh... It has been an experience, although I miss a lot for not having experience, it made me reflect and ask myself if it is true what some doctrines preach, that it is not good to date early, but when I look at myself I see that the lack of experience disturbs much, I think if she was not so much like me she would have break up with me.

About the remedies, there are days when I wake up better, there are days when I have a bad agreement, there are certain social situations that trigger my pensimism and discouragement with life, so I think I should go back to the doctor before the therapy, in the last case, to I would at least be able to finish college and hence be able to complete the treatment.

I have some problems with my relationship with God too, sometimes I wonder if he cares about the small things of everyday life, hang out and things like that, because most churches preach repression, perhaps by the majority of young people to be extroverted and opposed to me, but still I remain in doubt.