I'm reposting this here because getting around this website and finding an appropriate forum is a little hard for me. Also, it seems that what I posted in the teen girls section may not have been appropriate for younger teen girls to read, so now I can't receive any more help comments on there. I only shared it there because it's not easy to be vulnerable, and I thought at least one girl would understand and be able to help me. That being said, here's my personal problem:
Naturally, being married to a wonderful man has been a big desire of mine ever since I can remember.
But almost always I push away that dream, because the terrible ache and sorrow that comes with knowing that 1. Marriage is not guaranteed for all
And 2. I might never be good enough for a wonderful man to fall in love with me
...is too much to bear.
It's embarrassing too how desperately I desire such a special intimate, romantic kind of love with a man. I'm sure any girl can understand that God can't exactly fill that role, just as He can't fill the role of my wanting my own baby someday.
I should be happy and content with life. I should be godly too. I should be close to God. That's what would attract a wonderful guy.
But I am none of those things.
I'm lonely, empty, ungodly, and I walk around with a thick cloud hanging over my head.
Deep down I wish God could come to my rescue. I wish He could make me happy, but I'm such a rebellious, lazy, disappointment. Why would he care about my needs and dreams?
If I were as close to Him as some people, I would be happy, but whenever I come close, I epically fail and take the easier way of selfishness instead.
Masturbation and inappropriate content aren't so great. It's actually lame and pathetic. They just help me to feel good and forget my suffering for a moment. For a moment, I convince myself that it's the best thing I'll feel in my life, because I won't find intimacy with God or get a man to love me anyways. For a moment I feel desired, wanted, beautiful, intimate.
In reality, I feel alone, stuck, and hopeless.
I'm so lazy, unmotivated, and scared that I just never read the Bible or pray anymore.
In this life where I've always had to try and help myself...
For once, I wish I could be helped.
Encouraged. Supported. Accepted.
Led kindly and patiently through my wretched problems into freedom.
It would be amazing to be a joyful, spirited, faith-filled, content with everything, intimate with God person. But I'm afraid I'll never get even close. I don't think I can ever be satisfied with God alone. Everything is so hard.
Naturally, being married to a wonderful man has been a big desire of mine ever since I can remember.
But almost always I push away that dream, because the terrible ache and sorrow that comes with knowing that 1. Marriage is not guaranteed for all
And 2. I might never be good enough for a wonderful man to fall in love with me
...is too much to bear.
It's embarrassing too how desperately I desire such a special intimate, romantic kind of love with a man. I'm sure any girl can understand that God can't exactly fill that role, just as He can't fill the role of my wanting my own baby someday.
I should be happy and content with life. I should be godly too. I should be close to God. That's what would attract a wonderful guy.
But I am none of those things.
I'm lonely, empty, ungodly, and I walk around with a thick cloud hanging over my head.
Deep down I wish God could come to my rescue. I wish He could make me happy, but I'm such a rebellious, lazy, disappointment. Why would he care about my needs and dreams?
If I were as close to Him as some people, I would be happy, but whenever I come close, I epically fail and take the easier way of selfishness instead.
Masturbation and inappropriate content aren't so great. It's actually lame and pathetic. They just help me to feel good and forget my suffering for a moment. For a moment, I convince myself that it's the best thing I'll feel in my life, because I won't find intimacy with God or get a man to love me anyways. For a moment I feel desired, wanted, beautiful, intimate.
In reality, I feel alone, stuck, and hopeless.
I'm so lazy, unmotivated, and scared that I just never read the Bible or pray anymore.
In this life where I've always had to try and help myself...
For once, I wish I could be helped.
Encouraged. Supported. Accepted.
Led kindly and patiently through my wretched problems into freedom.
It would be amazing to be a joyful, spirited, faith-filled, content with everything, intimate with God person. But I'm afraid I'll never get even close. I don't think I can ever be satisfied with God alone. Everything is so hard.