Honoring abusive parents

[Nicole T]

Hello,
I am not sure if this is the right forum. I didn't see another to address this issue and we are over 50...biblical advice would really be appreciated as we are struggling.
My husband has a strained relationship with his parents. He has one brother who is the "golden child". My husband feels his life always revolved around his brother's needs and that he was along for the ride. His mother is a gossip, and this has caused a lifetime of distrust. When something was difficult in our lives, they blamed. (an example - our children are closely spaced due to medical reasons. When we were young parents with 3 children under 2. Their response was "You decided to have all these children." We have a single and a twin, um, no, God decided that for us. Regardless, not an offer to help, no understanding, no encouragement.)
We just moved to a new city. We returned to our previous area to attend a memorial on my husband's side of the family the day after thanksgiving. We were not invited to thanksgiving with my husband's family. As it turned out, my husband's family had a reunion on thanksgiving with all the family that was in town for the reunion. We discovered at the memorial that we were the only ones not invited. It was hosted by my husband's cousin, not my in-laws.
My father in law asked me why we did not attend. I said we knew nothing about it and were not invited. He said I was lying, of course we were, and then turned to my MIL in front of a room of people and laughingly asked why she had not invited us. She said, "Because they would not have come." I guess the look of shock on our faces made her realize that she had let it be known it was intentional. She then said it was not her invitation to extend. She was not the host. Of 8 cousins, my husband was the only one not invited. There is no strain between him and the rest of the family. We never see them. All they know is what his mother tells them - which, based on how she gossips, is not good.
How do we honor these parents? He wants nothing to do with them. Sorry this is long. 30 years of this is hard to condense. Thank you!

 

[Ken Rank]

Hello,
I am not sure if this is the right forum. I didn't see another to address this issue and we are over 50...biblical advice would really be appreciated as we are struggling.
My husband has a strained relationship with his parents. He has one brother who is the "golden child". My husband feels his life always revolved around his brother's needs and that he was along for the ride. His mother is a gossip, and this has caused a lifetime of distrust. When something was difficult in our lives, they blamed. (an example - our children are closely spaced due to medical reasons. When we were young parents with 3 children under 2. Their response was "You decided to have all these children." We have a single and a twin, um, no, God decided that for us. Regardless, not an offer to help, no understanding, no encouragement.)
We just moved to a new city. We returned to our previous area to attend a memorial on my husband's side of the family the day after thanksgiving. We were not invited to thanksgiving with my husband's family. As it turned out, my husband's family had a reunion on thanksgiving with all the family that was in town for the reunion. We discovered at the memorial that we were the only ones not invited. It was hosted by my husband's cousin, not my in-laws.
My father in law asked me why we did not attend. I said we knew nothing about it and were not invited. He said I was lying, of course we were, and then turned to my MIL in front of a room of people and laughingly asked why she had not invited us. She said, "Because they would not have come." I guess the look of shock on our faces made her realize that she had let it be known it was intentional. She then said it was not her invitation to extend. She was not the host. Of 8 cousins, my husband was the only one not invited. There is no strain between him and the rest of the family. We never see them. All they know is what his mother tells them - which, based on how she gossips, is not good.
How do we honor these parents? He wants nothing to do with them. Sorry this is long. 30 years of this is hard to condense. Thank you!

My suggestion would be this... we are adults right? I would, calmly and lovingly... stand before the parents and ask, "What have we done?" If they are able, you'll get a sound answer and it might be something that can be fixed. If they attack, belittle, demean... then leave the door of communication open, love them and forgive them... but move on.

Jesus said if we seek we will find. By extension we can also say, if we ask a question we will hear an answer. But if we are not seeking and not asking, we will not hear. So, if they are kind and loving and open to communication and reconciliation... they will hear and so will you and you'll be able to find common ground, somewhere in the middle. But if they aren't open, not seeking reconciliation, they won't hear you, they will close off and you'll have your answer. But pray before any attempt and don't push too hard, no matter what. Always reflect the Lord in your words and actions. If they don't see the one you serve, hear the one you serve, the attempt will be lost before it begins.

I wish you well.

 

[Long Island Pilgrim]

Hi Nicole,

I feel your pain and I'm sorry to hear of your sadness. I know all about your circumstances because my husband and I have lived through similar circumstances.
I'm going to respond with scripturally accurate answer but it might sound extreme to you if you haven't yet considered it. The reason it might sound extreme is because not everyone who thinks they are Christian have had a genuine conversion of heart by the Holy Spirit. So what I am about to say would only make sense to someone who is a Born Again believer. Otherwise it's going to sound extreme.

In Mathew 19:29 Jesus states :
"And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."

Why would we forsake family? We would forsake them if they are not Born Again believers because they are not aligned with the truth and integrity of Christ. The Born again believer has had their heart circumcised and they have the righteousness of Christ dwelling within them . And we are instructed not to be yoked with unbelievers :
2 corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

It took me a long time to accept that my husband and I would have to separate from our family but we did separate because we could not fully honor the truth by being involved with them . You cant reason with a person who is not Born Again even if they themselves believe themselves to be genuine Christians because only the Holy Spirit can negotiate relationships in a healthy way. So whomever we deal with has to be a Genuine Born Again believer. And you will know them by their fruit.

Mathew 7:16
Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?

We are not to be honoring Parents in their Sin. We are only to honor our Parents to the extent that they honor God. Honoring Parents does not necessarily mean remaining in contact . I sent my parents a lovely letter explaining that I had given my life to the Lord and that he would be directing my life and I basically gently alluded to the fact that they could no longer place expectations on me. I didn't blame or criticize.

I had been in severe bondage to that relationship my whole life but the Lord set me free of that and it was definitely the most healthy decision. I am grateful to no longer be in bondage to those influences.

You and your husband can go to the Lord in Prayerful dependence and ask him about what I've shared and request his guidance and I'm sure that you will receive that guidance.

Hope that helps.

God bless.

 

[4x4toy]

Hello,
I am not sure if this is the right forum. I didn't see another to address this issue and we are over 50...biblical advice would really be appreciated as we are struggling.
My husband has a strained relationship with his parents. He has one brother who is the "golden child". My husband feels his life always revolved around his brother's needs and that he was along for the ride. His mother is a gossip, and this has caused a lifetime of distrust. When something was difficult in our lives, they blamed. (an example - our children are closely spaced due to medical reasons. When we were young parents with 3 children under 2. Their response was "You decided to have all these children." We have a single and a twin, um, no, God decided that for us. Regardless, not an offer to help, no understanding, no encouragement.)
We just moved to a new city. We returned to our previous area to attend a memorial on my husband's side of the family the day after thanksgiving. We were not invited to thanksgiving with my husband's family. As it turned out, my husband's family had a reunion on thanksgiving with all the family that was in town for the reunion. We discovered at the memorial that we were the only ones not invited. It was hosted by my husband's cousin, not my in-laws.
My father in law asked me why we did not attend. I said we knew nothing about it and were not invited. He said I was lying, of course we were, and then turned to my MIL in front of a room of people and laughingly asked why she had not invited us. She said, "Because they would not have come." I guess the look of shock on our faces made her realize that she had let it be known it was intentional. She then said it was not her invitation to extend. She was not the host. Of 8 cousins, my husband was the only one not invited. There is no strain between him and the rest of the family. We never see them. All they know is what his mother tells them - which, based on how she gossips, is not good.
How do we honor these parents? He wants nothing to do with them. Sorry this is long. 30 years of this is hard to condense. Thank you!

By doing what is right and keeping the best name and witness for Christ you can ..
Matthew 10:34-36

 

[davedajobauk]

Personally, I don't feel that this would be much of a problem for me


I have already, ie: throughout, my 69+ years 'existence'
handed so-much, over to God, for Him 'to handle'

I disowned my next-youngest 'brother' when I was 28 years
for, trying to entice, my then second 'spouse'
away, to live with him
and then I divorced her, 12 years later
for her being unfaithful (with a long-term friend, of her family)
They were HAPPY (her family) to encourage this, and, to provide
venues, for their 'trysts'
UNTIL, she came home drunk one day and fell into the bath
'unconscious' (revealing-all)
The older-two boys helped me, lift her out
By the date of the Divorce, we were married for 30 years (six children)

We are, all of us different .... and according-to
(by) our own conscience.... 'unique' ?

even between siblings


Read, Reinhold Niebuhr's 'The Serenity Prayer' (complete version)

I found it repeatedly reassuring and supportive




The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.



Read more: http://www.lords-prayer-words.com/famous_prayers/god_grant_me_the_serenity.html#ixzz4TxvS0Yf9

 

[angela4God]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can understand. Having been in a similar situation, seeking an answer, I was told to 'honor them from afar' for the good that they can be honored for. Because they cannot be honored close up. Sounded simplistic when I head it. In time I saw the wisdom of it. Wishing you all the best with your situation. God Bless!

 

[BarinaHoppe]

Here some Short Prayer message for a new week and month, Light morning, inspiring day, relaxing evening. Let success meet you at every turn.