Honest Marriage problems

[lennef]

Hi there,

Ok today I am just going to be as honest as I can to get problems hopefully sorted out that is in my mind all the time.

I married the most beautiful wife, but the last thing she is interested in, is physical touch.
She's not interested in Sex, or cuddling a bit. Sex maybe twice a YEAR. How on earth can a man live like that. Not sure what is a healthy sex life, but I think twice week at least. No idea who to talk to, but here i go...

This makes me struggle & now i am stuck with it till the day I die. I cant change her & cant go to another woman. Been married 15 years and nothing changed...

What should i do?

Thank you guys.
J

 

[Paidiske]

I wonder if there's something wrong. Is sex physically painful? Has she had a chat with her GP, had her hormone levels checked, that sort of thing? Does she have a history of trauma or abuse?

Basically, start by working out why she's not interested, and then it'll be easier to find a way forward.

 

[tturt]

Sorry about your marriage concerns.

Have you heard of "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? It might be worth reading to learn more about your wife's love languages. Also, hopefully she has seen a dr about it.

 

[lennef]

I wonder if there's something wrong. Is sex physically painful? Has she had a chat with her GP, had her hormone levels checked, that sort of thing? Does she have a history of trauma or abuse?

Basically, start by working out why she's not interested, and then it'll be easier to find a way forward.

Hormone problems Definity. It is painful sometimes. Ok will chat with the GP. No abuse history...
She's not interested because she's never thinking about it or ''in the mood'' which is really odd for me.

 

[lennef]

Sorry about your marriage concerns.

Have you heard of "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? It might be worth reading to learn more about your wife's.

Thank you. Yes read that and that is last on her list....

 

[tturt]

Since it's painful for her then a GP visit is definitely in order.

Also, seems you know her primary love languages, that's great because you can pursue those. It might not be foreplay for you.

 

[Aussie Pete]

Hi there,

Ok today I am just going to be as honest as I can to get problems hopefully sorted out that is in my mind all the time.

I married the most beautiful wife, but the last thing she is interested in, is physical touch.
She's not interested in Sex, or cuddling a bit. Sex maybe twice a YEAR. How on earth can a man live like that. Not sure what is a healthy sex life, but I think twice week at least. No idea who to talk to, but here i go...

This makes me struggle & now i am stuck with it till the day I die. I cant change her & cant go to another woman. Been married 15 years and nothing changed...

What should i do?

Thank you guys.
J

Possibly a medical issue. Does she see this as a problem? As a Christian woman, she should be aware that it's God's order for a couple to have normal relations.

I suggest that you check out Mark Gungor, perhaps the leading marriage counselor alive today. Normally a couple should watch together, but I'd suggest you check him out yourself first. You won't be sorry, he is a genuine entertainer as well as most informative and practical. "How to stay married without killing anyone" is one seminar title. That's a clue as to how he approaches the subject.

 

[lennef]

sure will have a look at Mark Gunnor.
She see it as normal. Thinking i why am i ''always'' thinking about sex. I'm a man. I dont think about it twice a year as she does. For me, that is my nr 1 love language...

Possibly a medical issue. Does she see this as a problem? As a Christian woman, she should be aware that it's God's order for a couple to have normal relations.

I suggest that you check out Mark Gungor, perhaps the leading marriage counselor alive today. Normally a couple should watch together, but I'd suggest you check him out yourself first. You won't be sorry, he is a genuine entertainer as well as most informative and practical. "How to stay married without killing anyone" is one seminar title. That's a clue as to how he approaches the subject.

 

[Aussie Pete]

sure will have a look at Mark Gunnor.
She see it as normal. Thinking i why am i ''always'' thinking about sex. I'm a man. I dont think about it twice a year as she does. For me, that is my nr 1 love language...

Mark Gungor is on the same page. It is perfectly normal and natural. Marriage is God's way of legitimately satisfying the natural desire. The Bible says that husband and wife should have a mutually satisfactory sex life. I'd recommend listening to Mark Gungor before you tell that to your wife!

 

[com7fy8]

In any case, make sure you do what God's word says for you to do. I would say not to allow desire for sex to have power to steer you, but keep it humble while you seek God for Himself and find out how His word says for us children of God to relate as His family.

What does she appreciate and enjoy? What does she value the most because it is intimate, for her?

Sexual activity can be intimacy only with your own feelings of pleasure . . . versus being intimate in your love with each other. So, I would say, in any case, pray and get more with God, and see how your relating grows. You will be satisfied in God's love, in any case . . . better than sex can satisfy you.

Because God made sex; He is more pleasant, sweet, enjoyable . . . and personal in affection . . . than all He has made And lust is a lie that can trick us into less.

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)

"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation," (in Philippians 2:13-16)

Bitterness, arguing, and complaining can help to turn people away from sex. So, watch out for anything that is anti-humble and anti-kind.

"Let all that you do be done with love." (1 Corinthians 16:14)

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

To me, this means I must not try to make my lady do what I want; I need to not try to lord myself over her to control her and use her for what I want; but love her with my good example of how I put God first and seek how God has us loving any and all people the way Jesus desires. Be first intimate with Jesus our Groom, then, by loving the way He does. And then discover how this helps her and our relating. Trust her to God, for how God will do her more good, than I can.

Do you have children? You need to be a good example for them, in any case, of how you relate with each other, so your children can feed on your example so they can grow up to know how to relate in love in a close relationship.

So, I understand this is included in what God's word means . . . for all of us. So . . . may we trust God for this, first. "first" > Matthew 6:33, "first of all" > 1 Timothy 2:1-4.

 

[pdudgeon]

Hmmm, what was her childhood like? Specifically, what example of married life did her parent's set for her?
I'm also wondering if she was a victim of incest or rape in her youth.

Aversion to normal sex is a learned experience, and one that is often learned at home at a very young age, or else is the result of a very traumatic and brutal experience.
Getting to the bottom of what is causing your wife's feelings is going to be difficult for her to experience, but it's important to root out what is wrong before you can replace that fear and aversion with what is beautiful and natural.

 

[pdudgeon]

And one more thing, what is/ was her relationship with her father like when she was a child?
Did she love him,
or did she fear him?

 

[A_Thinker]

Hormone problems Definity. It is painful sometimes. Ok will chat with the GP. No abuse history...
She's not interested because she's never thinking about it or ''in the mood'' which is really odd for me.

It is painful for her. Nobody likes pain.

This will have to be sorted out ...

 

[WolfGate]

Yes, the medical piece needs to be sorted out as many others have said.

Also, accept that she may never want sex as much as you do. That makes you just like almost every other couple; normally one has a higher desire than the other (roughly 75% of the time the man). Whoever has the higher desire needs to understand they will have the be the one to initiate and suggest sex most of the time. Neither person is wrong or broken for where their level of desire sits, but that is the system both of you exist in.

On your side, control the things you can control. Are you transparent and clear in how you feel? Do you communicate that clearly or try to just avoid creating tension. How do you respond when she says no - in a way you're proud of? Are you being true to who you want to be in your interactions and are you being someone who she should want to have sex with? Tension is going to exist as you two work to change the system to one you can also live with - being clear and open about that tension is the best path.

After the medical is addressed, I'd also suggest counseling. Sounds a bit like she has misapplied the love languages lessons - instead of seeing it as her learning how to best show you love she instead sees it as a reason why she doesn't want physical touch. Makes sure you are not doing the same on your side, which a counselor can help with.

Treat it as a long game. If she says "no" tonight, ask again. Take heart as well, many couples have struggled as you are and come out the back side with a marriage where both can honestly show by their actions "I want for you what you want for you".

 

[lennef]

Thank you everyone for the replies.

com7fy8: The power of it is definitely not steering me...Its the lack of it that drives me nuts. It's like being hungry, but there's no food...
She enjoys a lot of things, but sex is last...
We are happily married. Thats the only thing that bothers me. There's a reason a person marry someone & that is to enjoy. So difficult if you married this beautiful woman and....
Yes we have 2 children. Super stresfull and lack of sleep for the last 7 years...

pdudgeon: Ok childhood, but had no dad.Mom raised here
Would love to get to the root as well...

A_Thinker: Not so much painful. Only if you accidentally go deep Sorry could not say it another way

WolfGate: I will go to the doctor...
Sure but x2 a year is not normal...
I stopped intruducing sex, becuase she always said no. So i stopped
We have a gr8 relationship. Good friends, nice jokes. Enjoy each other, but she is just not touchy feely.
She will kiss and hug the kids though

 

[Paidiske]

Super stresfull and lack of sleep for the last 7 years...

Well, that right there is probably enough to explain it. Lack of sleep absolutely kills a woman's libido. Let that drag on for years, and she's more than running on empty. It's a struggle to survive each day, there's nothing left over for anything more.

In that case, I'd say work on reducing the stress and helping her get adequate sleep, and you may well see an improvement.

 

[lennef]

Thank you will try - But still when we were sleeping well with little stress the 8 years before we had kids, it was the same

Well, that right there is probably enough to explain it. Lack of sleep absolutely kills a woman's libido. Let that drag on for years, and she's more than running on empty. It's a struggle to survive each day, there's nothing left over for anything more.

In that case, I'd say work on reducing the stress and helping her get adequate sleep, and you may well see an improvement.

 

[WolfGate]

Sure but x2 a year is not normal...

It is not good for your marriage since you have a much higher desire, and only a small percentage of couples would happily settle out at that frequency. From what you have said though, it is the steady state of your marriage now. So currently the normal system in your marriage is at that frequency. Systems only change when there is a something causes them to change - it won't happen on their own. Best case a good type of pressure will result in both of you moving towards a new steady state which is acceptable to both of you (though natural desires will likely never match).

I stopped intruducing sex, becuase she always said no. So i stopped

When the higher desire spouse stops initiating, they only allow the current steady state of the marriage to stay where it is. Many higher drive spouses have decided to stop initiating because they were tired of rejection and thought if they didn't ask their spouse would eventually initiate more. That almost never happens. The tension is still there, because both of them know the higher desire wants to make love more often. What is not there is any kind of catalyst to cause the system to change. By stopping initiating, and by their actions just accepting the steady state of the marriage, the lower desire spouse is content in frequency with no reason to work on their side of the marriage equation. Usually a more effective approach is for the higher desire to deal with their desire for more sex openly and transparently. Acknowledge all the things they love about the spouse and relationship, but not just let them dismiss the desire discrepancy as OK because everything else is great.

Ask yourself, do you feel rejected all the time even though you are not initiating or requesting that she work on the relationship? Sounds like you do, so if you are going to feel rejection regardless, why not take actions that might result in her deciding she needs to work with you on your marriage.

We have a gr8 relationship. Good friends, nice jokes. Enjoy each other, but she is just not touchy feely.
She will kiss and hug the kids though

Very common situation in marriages with a large discrepancy in desire. You are definitely not alone in having to deal with this situation. I agree with your comments earlier that you can work on the medical piece first. Help her through that, it is the most urgent piece, and then get back to making the marriage one you are both satisfied with in all categories - emotionally, spiritually, friendship wise, and sexually.

One last thought - you said earlier that she mentions you are always thinking about sex. What do you say to her when she makes that kind of comment?