his? mine? or ours? Major disagreement over discretionary money.

[lambkisses]

I think at this time it is best not to involve other people, including parents and other family members, in your situation. Talk to your husband, pray (alone, or together, if he's willing), but bringing other people in will only make him feel more pressured. That would likely cause him to pull even further from his faith. The more people involved, the more complicated it becomes.

May I ask how old you and your husband are? I used to make decisions rashly (still do sometimes), and can have a tendency to cut people off if they insult me grievously. But I have mellowed out over time (I'm 30 now). To an extent, I also understand your husband feeling pressured and perhaps disillusioned with the church. It's important for him to understand that although the church itself might disappoint him, God will not; and keeping his relationship with Jesus is vital. In your position, at this point I would try to make life as harmonious as possible while the dust settles. I pray for patience and wisdom for you both, strengthening of your marriage, and renewed conviction for your husband in his faith.

He is 26 and I am 30. I really didn't want to involve our families but he pretty much opened this up to them when he quit church, he really likes to flame out when he is unhappy, this is something I am trying to help him work on. Like I said this issue just served to catalyze other divisions in the family. He has always been a really polarizing person, people either love him or they hate him, in my family my dad, brother, and nieces love him but my sister in law hates him and my mother gets extremely annoyed at his tendencies. This incident came at a very bad time because it follows very closely to an incident he caused between my sister in law and my nieces as a result of an inappropriate gift.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I really think that marriage counseling, with an unbiased third party (who knows neither of you) would be very helpful in developing your communication skills. Communication is key for any marriage.

 

[lambkisses]

I thought you said that this kind of impulsive negative behavior was unprecedented. The email is another example. It seems to me that if he feels cornered, he lashes out rashly.

I'm curious...did you read ValleyGal's post? Is there a reason why you didn't respond to it? She called you to take an honest look at yourself. She gave an excellent summary of your own story. If we want change, we always need to start with ourselves.

It appears that your husband has felt cornered by you and your wishes more than once, and he has difficulty with his reactions. On the other hand, how would you react if he wanted to send money to his friend that you don't like, and asked you to pawn your engagement ring to do so? Would that be reasonable? While the comparison is not exacting, the principle is the same. You asked him to give up something of great value to him to give to someone he dislikes. Quite frankly, I think that showed a tremendous lack of compassion for your husband.

As ValleyGal said, the way you talk to him is by first apologizing for your behavior, first for asking for something unreasonable even after he said no, and secondly for bringing other people in (again) to box him in and feel pressured to do your will. While his response was childish, I can understand why he was so upset. You have set a pattern that when you don't get your own way, you find others and gang up on him.

Once you have apologized, the next step is to ask him, calmly, to tell you exactly what he is feeling. He's already told you about feel ganged up on. But what was the feeling beyond that? Is he losing trust in you? Does he feel like a child again? There is something that is tripping a trigger to his impulsive behavior, and it is a strong trigger that you should both should know about.

Most likely the best conversation will be had with a counselor, because I think it's clear that you don't communicate well with each other. A counselor can be the neutral third party who is trained to draw out the underlying issues so that you both can learn to communicate with more understanding and maturity.

I think that counseling would be an excellent place to put some of that discretionary income. It is an investment, that with the right counselor, could make all the difference in your marriage.

I did read her post, and the reason I did not respond to it was because I believe she misunderstand my family dynamic and the true issue. First of all, I realize I am not perfect and I am not expecting my husband to be. It seems she is biased to the idea that I am upset because I didn't get my way, although I am dissapointed we could not help another as we are called to do I was more upset and concerned about his self destructive behavior. Like Ken said his name and address on tools will do just as well to make them unpawnable without the added stigma of making him now the proud proprietor of Racist Monster Garage. Also she makes it seem as if I wanted to spend his fun money after spending mine, I never told him he can never have what he wanted I just requested him to wait and we could shift or budget in the coming months. It was within his rights to say no but it is not unreasonable to request that he pray over it, we all should pray over or decisions,especially when they affect others. Also I didn't force him to pawn his things, I gave him a proposal where I even outlined how I could get it back out of pawn within 60 days. Again he was within his rights to say no, he did no through a self destructive action. Yes I did speak to the pastor but not to get him to give up the money but because at this point I sensed there were deeper more serious issues (who would not be concerned if their SO went ahead and carved "IH8 Ni**ers" onto all his tools).
And true my husband does like to burn bridges but up until this point it had always been after severe provocation like by the HOA or a bad employer. So the fact he did it in a family/acquaintance setting it was unprecedented.

 

[akmom]

I'm baffled at this situation. We are criticizing someone who has been impeccably generous (OP's husband) for choosing a long-term goal (truck stuff) over a sudden whim. He was not wrong to say no, in my opinion. Giving large sums of money to someone in a very precarious domestic situation is generally a very bad idea. It took poor choices, as well as unfortunate circumstances, to get in that situation, and it's going to take guidance and planning to get out of it. It's not something you can just bail her out of. If it were that simple and dire and urgent, a mention at church or a Facebook post would garner sympathy and help in the form of a fund raiser or GoFundMe page, and her needs would be met by a little generosity from a lot of people. Not a lump sum from you.

More likely, she targeted you with a sob story because she knows your propensity to help. I don't mean she lied... she just communicated her real grievances in an emotional and possibly manipulative way, making a bail out seem like the only solution. Because you do - as your husband articulates and your own posts scream out - have that tendency to feel obliged to help others financially.

Your husband made a poor choice to deface his stuff, and I think it's sad that you drove him to do that. You say you wouldn't make him spend the money, but when you repeatedly insisted on pawning stuff after he said no, you were essentially not accepting his answer. But you're right, that ship has sailed in terms of handing his savings over to your friend.

But you have learned a lot from this. You have realized that you might need or want money in a pinch, and therefore you should start a savings instead of spending all your discretionary portion on whims. So it will be there if you need it. Maybe you also know when to give up, because sometimes it's really not worth it. We all learn how to choose our battles, usually by assessing the damage after the battles we lost. As for your husband, don't worry about that talk. I assure you he already regrets defacing his stuff and will quietly learn to tone down his own impulses because of it. He's only 26. I think it's best you don't pour salt on that wound by bringing it up.

 

[pdudgeon]

By the time I went to the pastor the money was a secondary issue. Like I said his reaction was what was the most troubling. If it was just refusing to give that's one thing. It was the impulsive rush to spend it that day (he literally tore out of the garage at 5pm to make sure he got to the off road outfitter before it closed, that in and if it self made me very fearful of his personal safety ) and his snap decision to racist up his tools just because I asked if we could get a pawn loan was why I spoke to the pastor. Asking him to pray about what Jesus wanted was more about asking him to reflect on his actions rather than to bully him into giving up money. Because by that time the money had been spent and nothing was pawnable, so it was no longer a question of if we were going to help my friend or not.

But even if there was no longer a question of whether your friend would be helped-- and when the matter should have been dropped--you are still even now more intent on proving him wrong, denegrating him to outsiders, and getting your own way in this, than you are about him.

It is your actions here that do not speak well for the future of your marriage.

 

[lambkisses]

I'm baffled at this situation. We are criticizing someone who has been impeccably generous (OP's husband) for choosing a long-term goal (truck stuff) over a sudden whim. He was not wrong to say no, in my opinion. Giving large sums of money to someone in a very precarious domestic situation is generally a very bad idea. It took poor choices, as well as unfortunate circumstances, to get in that situation, and it's going to take guidance and planning to get out of it. It's not something you can just bail her out of. If it were that simple and dire and urgent, a mention at church or a Facebook post would garner sympathy and help in the form of a fund raiser or GoFundMe page, and her needs would be met by a little generosity from a lot of people. Not a lump sum from you.

More likely, she targeted you with a sob story because she knows your propensity to help. I don't mean she lied... she just communicated her real grievances in an emotional and possibly manipulative way, making a bail out seem like the only solution. Because you do - as your husband articulates and your own posts scream out - have that tendency to feel obliged to help others financially.

Your husband made a poor choice to deface his stuff, and I think it's sad that you drove him to do that. You say you wouldn't make him spend the money, but when you repeatedly insisted on pawning stuff after he said no, you were essentially not accepting his answer. But you're right, that ship has sailed in terms of handing his savings over to your friend.

But you have learned a lot from this. You have realized that you might need or want money in a pinch, and therefore you should start a savings instead of spending all your discretionary portion on whims. So it will be there if you need it. Maybe you also know when to give up, because sometimes it's really not worth it. We all learn how to choose our battles, usually by assessing the damage after the battles we lost. As for your husband, don't worry about that talk. I assure you he already regrets defacing his stuff and will quietly learn to tone down his own impulses because of it. He's only 26. I think it's best you don't pour salt on that wound by bringing it up.

What you seem to misunderstand is not helping my friend is only a secondary issue. First, it is not up to me to judge if he was incorrect to refuse since that is reserved for God. In that regard I believe he should have been more concerned with storing up treasure in Heaven instead of earthly goods but that is between him and God. This takes me to my second point that my issue/concern is my husband's relationship with God. Like another poster stated his reaction was indicitive of darker issues. As for him being generous with me, that does not excuse his actions or the feelings in his heart. Not wanting to help is one thing but proceeding to state that he hates my friend and that she deserves what she gets, stating that she is too weird and ugly to make that amount on her knees or bent over a sofa, then rushing out to buy his truck toys and making a statement about it on face book by posting a selfie of himself at the counter buying his toys and tagging my friend to "suck it" is not acceptable. Knowing he was up set I chose not to confront him on this. He made a public spectacle of our problem. Yes days later I did propose again to help my friend, partially because I still believed it to be the right thing to do but also in order for us to save some face and calm done of the outrage amongst our friends and family as the result of his public action. I repeat, he exposed to all our friends and family that 1) he had the means to help and 2) not only does he refuse but he is happy that my friend is suffering. And honestly up until this point I thought my friend was his friend too, she had come to or wedding, we had shared meals with her and she had spent holidays with us and both sets of our parents this was the first I have heard from him that he"hates" her. I do not feel it is wrong of me to have attempted to molify the critics of his action especially since at that point the most critical of his decision to not help and make the public spectacle was his own mother, or have we forgotten what Number 6 reads?
And yes I did seek advice from the pastor, how is that incorrect given the circumstances? He is a neutral third party whom is more learned in the commandments of the Lord than either of us, some people suggested marriage counseling, so better to do so than or church pastor?
About having a propensity to help, I can name at least one other person who would fit that bill. This other person from what i have been told instructed us to love others as we love ourselves.
And just to let you know, my husband does not seem to show any regret for any of his actions especially the defacing of his tools. Just yesterday my father and my niece were over working on my niece's car with him and I could hear him gleefully hollering to them things like " bring me the grinder. .. no not that one ,the blue one that says I hate Fa*s, you are holding I hate Nigg**s". No one can tell me that there isn't something wrong here.
Also this incident has now brought division into our extended family too, when my husband decided to double down by quiting church now my own father, brother and nieces want to quit too and this is causing strife with my mother and sister in law. According to my dad and brother my husband just said all the things we were already thinking.
Maybe I came off as concerned about not getting my way, but the truth is I am more concerned about my husband's relationship with God. I do not agree with his opinion of his things and my things because that is not what Jesus taught us about marriage. Also I did not drive him to do anything, I communicated to him what I believed to be what Jesus would want him to do. I have never pawned or sold anything in or combined houshold, in fact I haven't even donate my own used clothing to Good Will without first asking his opinion. If I "drove" him to deface his own tools then I am guessing in the future if he asks for an unused garment to soak up an oil stain, I should not only refuse but set my entire wardrobe on fire to ensure none of my clothing is ever used to blot oil regardless of if I no longer wear it or not.

 

[lambkisses]

But even if there was no longer a question of whether your friend would be helped-- and when the matter should have been dropped--you are still even now more intent on proving him wrong, denegrating him to outsiders, and getting your own way in this, than you are about him.

It is your actions here that do not speak well for the future of your marriage.

I am more concerned with his relationship with God than the money or the marriage. Take this however you like, but although I am extremely comfortable and happy in our marriage but I would give it up, all of it, to ensure my husband has the proper relationship with God .
Getting "my way" would mean my entire family living for eternity in the love of the Lord.

 

[akmom]

I didn't read any reference to the public ranting prior to your last post. Perhaps I missed it. I can understand how that upset you. I'd be humiliated too. Though I admit I chuckled a little at some of the details. He sounds like a real character. Have you sat down with him and explained how you feel about that? I mean without asking him to pawn his stuff, pray about it, or otherwise change his mind?

Jesus was generous, and calls us to be generous, but that doesn't necessarily mean it was the right choice in this particular instance. You're really obsessing over this incident with your friend. Last time you went to the spa, did you stop and give your money to a panhandler instead? And then go home because you didn't keep any extra money for yourself? If not, then you need to seriously consider removing the mote from your eye before trying to pull the speck out of your husband's. Or else you're going to poke his eye out in the process.

When I said you seem to have the propensity to help others financially, I didn't mean to accuse you of being like Jesus. If you were, you would not live so lavishly and make so few sacrifices of your own. (And yes, I know that in a marriage, what is your husband's is yours also, as it should be. But that isn't the same as you actually earning it, so it's not your sacrifice also.) I think you have the propensity to help others because you like to look generous to others, and you feel good when they are impressed or thankful to you. And I suspect you were so pushy about your friend's needs because you promised her something, and wanted to be able to deliver. And you know what? It's hard to discern your own motives. It really is. And it's sooo easy to see shortcomings in others and find Bible verses to support that position, but that's not the whole picture and it's usually not the right answer. It's not your job to mediate your husband's relationship with God. But you can be thinking of ways you can be generous with your own time and talents, and possibly an income of your own, if you feel you can best serve others through financial means.

 

[lambkisses]

I didn't read any reference to the public ranting prior to your last post. Perhaps I missed it. I can understand how that upset you. I'd be humiliated too. Though I admit I chuckled a little at some of the details. He sounds like a real character. Have you sat down with him and explained how you feel about that? I mean without asking him to pawn his stuff, pray about it, or otherwise change his mind?

Jesus was generous, and calls us to be generous, but that doesn't necessarily mean it was the right choice in this particular instance. You're really obsessing over this incident with your friend. Last time you went to the spa, did you stop and give your money to a panhandler instead? And then go home because you didn't keep any extra money for yourself? If not, then you need to seriously consider removing the mote from your eye before trying to pull the speck out of your husband's. Or else you're going to poke his eye out in the process.

When I said you seem to have the propensity to help others financially, I didn't mean to accuse you of being like Jesus. If you were, you would not live so lavishly and make so few sacrifices of your own. (And yes, I know that in a marriage, what is your husband's is yours also, as it should be. But that isn't the same as you actually earning it, so it's not your sacrifice also.) I think you have the propensity to help others because you like to look generous to others, and you feel good when they are impressed or thankful to you. And I suspect you were so pushy about your friend's needs because you promised her something, and wanted to be able to deliver. And you know what? It's hard to discern your own motives. It really is. And it's sooo easy to see shortcomings in others and find Bible verses to support that position, but that's not the whole picture and it's usually not the right answer. It's not your job to mediate your husband's relationship with God. But you can be thinking of ways you can be generous with your own time and talents, and possibly an income of your own, if you feel you can best serve others through financial means.

If you must know I volunteer at one of the assistance ministries in our area. Like I said I kept pushing him to help because he had already made our private issue public. And no, I didn't promise anything before I asked him, again he was the one who made the issue public to our friends and family. Yes, I didn't drop the issue when he said no, or add you put I was "obscessing", but a huge part of that was in order to calm some of the outrage amongst or friends and his family. I was hoping, perhaps incorrectly that if he gave something, our outraged friends would possibly accept he had a lapse of judgement. Also let me make clear that the outrage was not the result of him not wanting to help but in response to his less than sensitive posting on social media (I personally do not believe that it is ever appropriate for a married man to tell another woman to "suck it"). I am pretty sure you too would be "obsessively" trying to resolve an issue if your friends, many of whom are in your community of faith and have know you for years blow up your phone incessantly inquiring what is the matter with your husband, asking if he went crazy, and questioning why you are with some one like that.
Addressing your comment about pan handlers, no I don't always give them change but under no circumstances do I feel is acceptable shout at then to tell them that although I have money they are not getting any. I do not believe that would make me judgemental. Regardless if giving her money in this instance is correct or not, posting on Facebook that he could help but won't and then telling her to "suck it" is almost certainly incorrect in every instance.
Yes, he and I did have a very long talk discussing this issue, the issue being the social media attention, the racist makings, the quitting church and the affect on our family. I have discussed this in a previous post. It seems my husband resents both Christians and the politically correct left. He seemd to believe that the bible, political correctness, and the golden rule are just sticks that people hit him with to shame him into compliance yet he says he still believes in the salvation through Christ. He is convinced that I feel the way I feel because Christians, me included, have been brainwashed into feeling that I have to show off how Christian we are to be happy. He claims he hates my friend because he hates how every one treats her so delicately because of her gender non binary so that is a perfect reason to be hateful towards her. That is neither normal nor healthy nor good for a Christian or otherwise.
Also, please tell me what in this situation made you chuckle? I would love to find humor in this. Would you find it funny if you have to one day explain to your child that daddy doesn't really hate African Americans despite what is engraved into his tools? Or perhaps you would think it is a laugh riot if your mother and father are quarreling over the value of fellowship due to the actions of your SO?
Or maybe you would think it's hilarious if your closes friends no longer believe you when you tell them how wonderful your husband is? Or you might think that its is funny if you knew your husband is a sweet caring person but his own parents think he is an irrediamable deplorable and what you tell them does nothing to sway then because they hold on their hands his own hateful words?

 

[GarrusKnight]

This is quite the confusing situation, from gleaming over the past few pages a few things have stood out to me… as an impartial spectator.

Firstly your husband seems to have embodied generosity and maturity a number of times already, one notable example of paying off your debt and putting his own wants aside for years as others have also pointed out. perhaps this is something you could reflect on more? As it could be very easy to overlook and lose perspective of just how much this shows about his character.

Is he without flaw? Of course not, has he done some silly things, it seems so! but this thread (and I mean no disrespect) as a non biased individual has left me with the impression for whatever reason that this is far more about you then it is about him? what I mean is… you started of saying he’s pretty much a decent guy and it’s a good marriage, but along the way I feel like you are shifting the perception and now you are almost trying to demonise the guy and paint him out to be no better than a ‘common racist loser’.

It also seems very multi layered and I agree with others that for whatever reason it seems you left him with the impression that he could not trust you and acted out of desperation in many ways, while this is no excuse we can all empathise as we can all do stupid things out of desperation.

From a biblical point of view (though people will argue) the husband is considered the ‘head’ of the household and perhaps even the leader in many ways. you also mention you and the women in your wider family are used to being the ‘spiritual leaders’ what do you mean by this and do you have biblical tension because of this?

Once again while trying to tread carefully I would ask not for a public response here… but rather self reflection, are you happy with your marriage in general? Are these genuine concerns or could this be a form of sabotage? I know that sounds disrespectful so I apologise for that but this is sadly an all too common thing many marriages breakdown from.

Lastly in my line of work it is entirely important to get BOTH sides of the story as you find each party tends to present a massively different picture, only when both accounts are given can the real work begin. I would agree with other and suggest if this is as big as you believe then an impartial marriage counsellor would be the way to go as they will be able to identify what is truly going in here.



I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation and I hope it gets resolved.

Bless you both

 

[lambkisses]

This is quite the confusing situation, from gleaming over the past few pages a few things have stood out to me… as an impartial spectator.

Firstly your husband seems to have embodied generosity and maturity a number of times already, one notable example of paying off your debt and putting his own wants aside for years as others have also pointed out. perhaps this is something you could reflect on more? As it could be very easy to overlook and lose perspective of just how much this shows about his character.

Is he without flaw? Of course not, has he done some silly things, it seems so! but this thread (and I mean no disrespect) as a non biased individual has left me with the impression for whatever reason that this is far more about you then it is about him? what I mean is… you started of saying he’s pretty much a decent guy and it’s a good marriage, but along the way I feel like you are shifting the perception and now you are almost trying to demonise the guy and paint him out to be no better than a ‘common racist loser’.

It also seems very multi layered and I agree with others that for whatever reason it seems you left him with the impression that he could not trust you and acted out of desperation in many ways, while this is no excuse we can all empathise as we can all do stupid things out of desperation.

From a biblical point of view (though people will argue) the husband is considered the ‘head’ of the household and perhaps even the leader in many ways. you also mention you and the women in your wider family are used to being the ‘spiritual leaders’ what do you mean by this and do you have biblical tension because of this?

Once again while trying to tread carefully I would ask not for a public response here… but rather self reflection, are you happy with your marriage in general? Are these genuine concerns or could this be a form of sabotage? I know that sounds disrespectful so I apologise for that but this is sadly an all too common thing many marriages breakdown from.

Lastly in my line of work it is entirely important to get BOTH sides of the story as you find each party tends to present a massively different picture, only when both accounts are given can the real work begin. I would agree with other and suggest if this is as big as you believe then an impartial marriage counsellor would be the way to go as they will be able to identify what is truly going in here.



I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation and I hope it gets resolved.

Bless you both

Thank you very much, we did work out our issue. And you are correct he is a great guy and definitely not a common racist loser, I believe I did state that I knew he wasn't. I know that and I can tell people that but his actions led many of or friends to believe otherwise. That was part of what troubled me about this situation. We did speak to a marriage counselor and he suggested we try to live a more secular life. We went trough many exercises and the counselor deduced that the root of both our unhappiness stems from church and the ever present pressure to show others how Christian we were. He said that the difference between my husband and I is that his resentment bubbled to the surface and exploded but mine was repressed and I convinced my self that church and churchy things (i.e. giving ) made me happy in order to justify all the experiences I missed out on because of my strict religious upbringing. And what I mean about the women in my family being the spiritual leaders, is that it has always been the women who took the initiative to get the family to church, to get the family into charitable activities and ensured the thithe got paid. Now I realize that we were pretty much just the traffic cops who herded or love one to do things they resented out of obligation.

 

[pdudgeon]

nm

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Honestly, I think you need to just back off of him for awhile. I'm not in any way involved in this and I feel suffocated by your response to the situation.

The guy has been extremely generous to you at his own expense for years. Now he's drawing the line at being generous to friends of yours he doesn't get on with, for whatever reason, and your desire to spend his funny money for him on it. That's totally understandable.

It's clear that you want him to do this thing and you pursued him quite persistently to get him to do it. No was not an option. First you asked to spend his funny money. Then you asked again. Then you asked again. Then you offered to spend money he earns to give you funny money on it, which is still funneling his discretionary money from what he earns it for. Then you offered to pawn HIS stuff... No surprise he took that badly. Then you offered to pawn it but take 100% responsibility to earn it back, by spending his money to rebuy something that's already his. Then you told him to pray on it without even being secret about how "pray on it" is code for "God is on my side here, he wants you to do it too." Then you got the pastor involved to get him to get him to change his mind ("See? Other people agree God says I'm right on this..."). Then he has enough. Now your gears switch to getting the money AND getting in his case about his spirituality. Then the church and family get involved. Then the long talks about money and God. Now people on the internet are being invited in with the very clear message that the issue isn't "holy cow, my husband had a blowout because I rode him like a mule and need to earn his trust back" but "I want to do something I think is generous but my husband said no, now I need advice on both the money and how to get him to tie the line because I look really, really had to my friends, family, and church."

You just have to back off. Leave the man alone. Did he act badly? Sure. But he was told you, God, your friend, the church, his family, and your peers all were against him. So he acted out. And, say what you want, for him to define his stuff means he doesn't trust you... Not to pawn them without his consent, but to continue to hound him until he pawns them "of his own accord," but really under immense and direct pressure from you.

If you truly want to get your friend out of a jam, start a GoFundMe. Pawn something of yours and use money you earn without breaking the agreement you made to your husband about how your family dynamic would be to get it back (though you'll still upset him). Contact a LGBT charity that will assist her, or an abused persons charity. Contact her family and say she needs help. Or just let it go. Helping others at the expense of your own marriage is pointless, no matter how good it makes you look to bail out your friend.

And airfare on the budget airlines is less than $500 almost always and usually under $300. Those airlines don't suit her needs? She needs somebody to get her from point A to point B... Those airlines are quite effective in doing so. If she needs more than that, or won't fly budget, ask yourself why.

Ultimately, I think you are disconnected because you don't know the value of a dollar. It's easy to spend other people's money. It's easy to go into debt. It's harder to earn it and keep it. You were so quick to pawn off his stuff, but I notice you weren't so quick to offer stuff of yours... Like your jewelry or wedding ring. You say you have simple wants, but spa days and massages aren't "simple wants." Dial back your spending, start saving, and show your husband you're sorry by also being as frugal as he and not browbeating him over how he quite understandably is tired of his family, your family, you, and now your friends and people he doesn't care for reaching into his wallet.

 

[akmom]

<staff edit>
The Bible also tells us to give with a cheerful heart, not browbeat one another into it. "Each one should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not out of regret or compulsion. For God loves a cheerful giver." -2 Corinthians 9:7

 

[lambkisses]

<staff edit>
I have given her what I can. Helping her now is no longer a primary concern, he grandmother already passed and the funeral already happened,and she is currently couch surfing so there isn't an immediate need to get her an expensive last minute ticket.
<staff edit>
Yes, I worked with her before we got married. She actually came to the wedding. A side bar, you are correct about being wary of people you meet online. She actually moved out of state to live with some one she started an online relationship with and that person turned out to be extremely abusive.
<staff edit>For this reason the marriage conunselor/psychologist suggested letting my husband be completely in control of our charitable giving, offering, and fellowship. He believes that because of the extent his family took these things his level of resentment is just so high that making him do anything at all, even token amounts could just push him further away.

 

[Truthfrees]

MOD HAT

This forum is for married people only.

Posts have been removed for that reason.

 

[Yoona86]

We have been married 3 years and for the most part things are really great. I am stay at home wife and my husband has a decent job and we are not super tight financially so we definitely can treat our selves. However a couple weeks ago, a major test of faith occurred and I am not sure how I should feel.
I would like to get it out there first that my husband is the sole provider but doesn't try to control me with the finances. Of course we have a budget that we both stick to but there had never been an instance where he would forbid a purchase or expenditure because he earned the money. However when it comes to assets from before we got married or things he perceives to be his "fair share" his attitude leaves a little to be desired.
So this is the situation, for as long as I have know my husband he had really wanted an off road bumper, winch, and suspension lift kit for his truck. Three years ago he was going to purchase it while we were still dating but we got married, he bought the engagement ring, and I had about 3k in debt I brought into the relationship. Those two things wiped out the money he saved for his toys. Back then it was a major fight to get him to help pay off my debt. He initially wanted me to default because in his words "I had nothing to do with the debt so I have no responsibility to pay it". It took combined prayers and counseling of his parents, my parents, and the couples minister to soften his heart to accept that when we become one spiritually my responsibilities are his responsibilities.
Flash forward 2 and a half years, he surprised me with Hamilton tickets for our anniversary because he knew how badly I wanted to go. I was shocked because I knew how expensive and hard to get they were. He opened up to me and said that he had been saving a little by little for his bumper, was almost there so he decided to dip into it a bit to make me happy. He said that he could wait until after Christmas to get his thing.
Now flash forward to 2 weeks ago, a very dear friend of mine is in a point of crisis, she is gender non binary and was in an extremely abusive relationship where her partner controlled the finances. Her parents cut off all support to her and she is practically homeless in another state (abusive partner lured her away from her family). On top of that her grandmother, the only member of her family whom didn't cut her out, is ailing and will probably not live till the new year. My friend desperately needs money to get out of her situation and to say her final goodbye. In light of this I asked my husband for the money he saved up for his truck toys and I was met with a flat no. He stated that he never liked my friend anyways and that he has waited 3 years for this and no one is taking it away from him. I argued that in a marriage we are suppose to be a team and that a major purchase like this should be mutually agreed upon. His counter was that 1) he would already have had this before we were married if I didn't have every one "gang up on him" to pay my previous debt 2)that he worked hard the last 3 years putting family needs before his own so he earned this and 3)that the bumper money wasn't "our money" but "his money" because he only put money towards it in equal increments to what I spent on things like spa treatments, massages, girls nights, etc. He reasoned that both of us had money budgeted for entertainment/indulgences and that he chose to save a portion of his allotment for the bumper. Although I can't say his argument is entirely without merit, I feel that we are being called to ease the burden of another, and to me that isn't discretionary.
I attempted to reason with him to see if we could come to some compromise but he just got angrier and angrier to the point where he wouldn't even let me count the money he had saved up. When I asked him to at least pray about it over night he took his cash box(apparently he saved the entire sum in loose bills stuffed in a crawl space) and ran out and paid in advance for the bumper at the garage. When he came home he hauled in a brand new winch and lift kit and triumphantly declared that the money was gone and there was nothing more to fight about. After that he was back to his normal self.
I didn't want to give up on what I believe was God calling us to action just yet so I worked out proposal and presented it to him a few days later. I proposed to him that he could keep the bumper but maybe we can return the winch and lend my friend the money for an airticket and in exchange I won't spend any money on spas or massages or any luxury treats for myself until we can buy him the winch. Again he refused and went the childish route by taking a file and scratching up the finish on the which to render it unreturnable. I then asked him if perhaps I could put one of the tools he doesn't use into pawn to help my friend with part off the air ticket and I promised him I would get it back for him before the loan period is up. This sent him into a rage where he declared that all those tool were his from before we got married and I have no right to pawn them, he got so angry that he locked himself into the garage and started engraving homophobic and racist slurs onto his things to make them "unpawnable". I decided to let him alone at that point and he calmed down after a couple hours and was back to his old self.
I contacted the pastor at our church to see if he could reach my husband but things didn't quite work out. He got it in his head that he was being ganged up on again and told our pastor that he was withdrawing his membership from the church.
I am really at a loss of what to do, I love my husband and he is an excellent provider, even now he is perfectly normal when I don't bring up helping my friend. But I don't know how I should feel about his opinion on what he perceives to be his fair share or his feelings on premarital assets. On top of that, I don't know how I can face my friend or our fellow church members and I don't have the slightest clue how I can explain to my family why all my husband's tools are covered with racist graffiti.
How can I fix things?

i think since all of us possess sinful nature, we are all tempted to apply one standard to ourselves, and one standard to others

you need to be careful about using "it is our money" argument when it suits you

the way i look at it, you husband is in the right because the money you are talking about here is "his" part of entertainment expenditure, you chose to spend your part on stuffs you want to do already

i think you need to back off and willing to acknowledge above and be fair or reasonable

otherwise you will have a lot of issues down the line if you are not willing to be fair or reasonable in your marriage.

lastly, if you really want to help your friend, sale some of your own possessions.

 

[Yoona86]

It has been a number of years and it seems it has been understood even if not stated, inferred if you will, that he would at some point get these. I have more to say on this but will save it for the end...



I read every word and I apologize in advance, but honestly is always the best policy with me. That said, to me you both sound spoiled. I think it is admirable that you would give up your "spa" time and your "massages" to get your friend a ticket. And since Allegiant and Frontier will fly you anywhere from $39 to $390 depending on where you are going... that is a SMALL sacrifice to make. However, the money that comes into the house is both yours and his. While I am a proponent of the man being the head of the household, legally the money belongs to you both. But this shouldn't come down to me saying "legally" this or "legally" that. Instead, it should come down to two ADULTS who supposedly love each other and are each others BEST FRIENDS who can sit down and discuss this LIKE ADULTS. If he locks himself in the garage and starts carving in racial issues, then he is not only immature, there is a dark side to him that throws up a HUGE red flag to me.

If you can't sit down as adults and CALMLY talk about this, then you need counseling. If that can't happen your days as a married couple are limited. You're adults, sit down and TALK to each other.

the use of capital letters, especially when the words involves "adult" or "like adults" is rude and disrespectful, surely your parents have taught you that?

 

[Ken Rank]

the use of capital letters, especially when the words involves "adult" or "like adults" is rude and disrespectful, surely your parents have taught you that?

The point was to place weight on those words, make sure they were the focus. Since I cannot add 'tone' to my typed words, I have to resort to another means. I can change the color, size, make it bold, italicize, or use caps. Not sure why I use caps, perhaps just habit. Not rude intent was meant, I was just trying to make the point that it is better to seek peace and talk through something then to stand back and talk AT each other. We go there first... it is time we began to talk TO each other as family... which we are, in God. Shalom!

 

[Yoona86]

The point was to place weight on those words, make sure they were the focus. Since I cannot add 'tone' to my typed words, I have to resort to another means. I can change the color, size, make it bold, italicize, or use caps. Not sure why I use caps, perhaps just habit. Not rude intent was meant, I was just trying to make the point that it is better to seek peace and talk through something then to stand back and talk AT each other. We go there first... it is time we began to talk TO each other as family... which we are, in God. Shalom!

i don't know how long have you been on this forum

but there were and are alot UnChristlike behaviors going on where people who are trying to seek help from their fellow Christians were and are being torn down instead.

it saddens me to see Christians kick their brothers or sisters while they are down

if i have misunderstood your intention, i apologize.