his? mine? or ours? Major disagreement over discretionary money.

lambkisses

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We have been married 3 years and for the most part things are really great. I am stay at home wife and my husband has a decent job and we are not super tight financially so we definitely can treat our selves. However a couple weeks ago, a major test of faith occurred and I am not sure how I should feel.
I would like to get it out there first that my husband is the sole provider but doesn't try to control me with the finances. Of course we have a budget that we both stick to but there had never been an instance where he would forbid a purchase or expenditure because he earned the money. However when it comes to assets from before we got married or things he perceives to be his "fair share" his attitude leaves a little to be desired.
So this is the situation, for as long as I have know my husband he had really wanted an off road bumper, winch, and suspension lift kit for his truck. Three years ago he was going to purchase it while we were still dating but we got married, he bought the engagement ring, and I had about 3k in debt I brought into the relationship. Those two things wiped out the money he saved for his toys. Back then it was a major fight to get him to help pay off my debt. He initially wanted me to default because in his words "I had nothing to do with the debt so I have no responsibility to pay it". It took combined prayers and counseling of his parents, my parents, and the couples minister to soften his heart to accept that when we become one spiritually my responsibilities are his responsibilities.
Flash forward 2 and a half years, he surprised me with Hamilton tickets for our anniversary because he knew how badly I wanted to go. I was shocked because I knew how expensive and hard to get they were. He opened up to me and said that he had been saving a little by little for his bumper, was almost there so he decided to dip into it a bit to make me happy. He said that he could wait until after Christmas to get his thing.
Now flash forward to 2 weeks ago, a very dear friend of mine is in a point of crisis, she is gender non binary and was in an extremely abusive relationship where her partner controlled the finances. Her parents cut off all support to her and she is practically homeless in another state (abusive partner lured her away from her family). On top of that her grandmother, the only member of her family whom didn't cut her out, is ailing and will probably not live till the new year. My friend desperately needs money to get out of her situation and to say her final goodbye. In light of this I asked my husband for the money he saved up for his truck toys and I was met with a flat no. He stated that he never liked my friend anyways and that he has waited 3 years for this and no one is taking it away from him. I argued that in a marriage we are suppose to be a team and that a major purchase like this should be mutually agreed upon. His counter was that 1) he would already have had this before we were married if I didn't have every one "gang up on him" to pay my previous debt 2)that he worked hard the last 3 years putting family needs before his own so he earned this and 3)that the bumper money wasn't "our money" but "his money" because he only put money towards it in equal increments to what I spent on things like spa treatments, massages, girls nights, etc. He reasoned that both of us had money budgeted for entertainment/indulgences and that he chose to save a portion of his allotment for the bumper. Although I can't say his argument is entirely without merit, I feel that we are being called to ease the burden of another, and to me that isn't discretionary.
I attempted to reason with him to see if we could come to some compromise but he just got angrier and angrier to the point where he wouldn't even let me count the money he had saved up. When I asked him to at least pray about it over night he took his cash box(apparently he saved the entire sum in loose bills stuffed in a crawl space) and ran out and paid in advance for the bumper at the garage. When he came home he hauled in a brand new winch and lift kit and triumphantly declared that the money was gone and there was nothing more to fight about. After that he was back to his normal self.
I didn't want to give up on what I believe was God calling us to action just yet so I worked out proposal and presented it to him a few days later. I proposed to him that he could keep the bumper but maybe we can return the winch and lend my friend the money for an airticket and in exchange I won't spend any money on spas or massages or any luxury treats for myself until we can buy him the winch. Again he refused and went the childish route by taking a file and scratching up the finish on the which to render it unreturnable. I then asked him if perhaps I could put one of the tools he doesn't use into pawn to help my friend with part off the air ticket and I promised him I would get it back for him before the loan period is up. This sent him into a rage where he declared that all those tool were his from before we got married and I have no right to pawn them, he got so angry that he locked himself into the garage and started engraving homophobic and racist slurs onto his things to make them "unpawnable". I decided to let him alone at that point and he calmed down after a couple hours and was back to his old self.
I contacted the pastor at our church to see if he could reach my husband but things didn't quite work out. He got it in his head that he was being ganged up on again and told our pastor that he was withdrawing his membership from the church.
I am really at a loss of what to do, I love my husband and he is an excellent provider, even now he is perfectly normal when I don't bring up helping my friend. But I don't know how I should feel about his opinion on what he perceives to be his fair share or his feelings on premarital assets. On top of that, I don't know how I can face my friend or our fellow church members and I don't have the slightest clue how I can explain to my family why all my husband's tools are covered with racist graffiti.
How can I fix things?
 

Ken Rank

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In light of this I asked my husband for the money he saved up for his truck toys and I was met with a flat no. He stated that he never liked my friend anyways and that he has waited 3 years for this and no one is taking it away from him. I argued that in a marriage we are suppose to be a team and that a major purchase like this should be mutually agreed upon.

It has been a number of years and it seems it has been understood even if not stated, inferred if you will, that he would at some point get these. I have more to say on this but will save it for the end...

On top of that, I don't know how I can face my friend or our fellow church members and I don't have the slightest clue how I can explain to my family why all my husband's tools are covered with racist graffiti.
How can I fix things?

I read every word and I apologize in advance, but honestly is always the best policy with me. That said, to me you both sound spoiled. I think it is admirable that you would give up your "spa" time and your "massages" to get your friend a ticket. And since Allegiant and Frontier will fly you anywhere from $39 to $390 depending on where you are going... that is a SMALL sacrifice to make. However, the money that comes into the house is both yours and his. While I am a proponent of the man being the head of the household, legally the money belongs to you both. But this shouldn't come down to me saying "legally" this or "legally" that. Instead, it should come down to two ADULTS who supposedly love each other and are each others BEST FRIENDS who can sit down and discuss this LIKE ADULTS. If he locks himself in the garage and starts carving in racial issues, then he is not only immature, there is a dark side to him that throws up a HUGE red flag to me.

If you can't sit down as adults and CALMLY talk about this, then you need counseling. If that can't happen your days as a married couple are limited. You're adults, sit down and TALK to each other. :)
 
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singpraise

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In my opinion you should be supportive and respectful of your husband's wishes in this situation. He helped pay down your debt. He deserves to buy what he saved his own money for. Your friend's problems are not your problems. If you want to give your friend some money then find a way to either sell something (of yours, that you own) or work for a paycheck and give that money to your friend, money that you earned. It seems you use the "it's our money" line when it suits you. But you are forgetting your own husband's needs, which should count just as much as yours do.
 
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lambkisses

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It has been a number of years and it seems it has been understood even if not stated, inferred if you will, that he would at some point get these. I have more to say on this but will save it for the end...



I read every word and I apologize in advance, but honestly is always the best policy with me. That said, to me you both sound spoiled. I think it is admirable that you would give up your "spa" time and your "massages" to get your friend a ticket. And since Allegiant and Frontier will fly you anywhere from $39 to $390 depending on where you are going... that is a SMALL sacrifice to make. However, the money that comes into the house is both yours and his. While I am a proponent of the man being the head of the household, legally the money belongs to you both. But this shouldn't come down to me saying "legally" this or "legally" that. Instead, it should come down to two ADULTS who supposedly love each other and are each others BEST FRIENDS who can sit down and discuss this LIKE ADULTS. If he locks himself in the garage and starts carving in racial issues, then he is not only immature, there is a dark side to him that throws up a HUGE red flag to me.

If you can't sit down as adults and CALMLY talk about this, then you need counseling. If that can't happen your days as a married couple are limited. You're adults, sit down and TALK to each other. :)
I thank you for your insight. I need to clarify though, I don't really care about the spa and massages, I would give that stuff up since they are luxuries. I offered it to him to reach out really. The thing that started the problem is I personally did not have the amount of money that m my friend needed if I did I would have let her have it without hesitation (I looked at spirit, alligant, and southwest none of them would suit this situstion). He however did have the amount and then some just sitting in a box and it is troubling to me that he refuses to even discuss this. I guess the problem I am having is his grievances are not without merit so how can I talk to him?
 
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Maddox

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So you don't earn money and he does. He paid your debts, pays your upkeep and added comfort but draws a line on giving money to your friends.

Sounds quite sensible to me. The thing with money is you don't really appreciate it if you are not the one earning it.

And your gracious offer to pawn his stuff. Seriously. Pawn your own stuff, get bank loan in your own name, maybe actually earn money instead of pestering him or your local church community.

Take some responsibility if you really care about your friend's problems.
 
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lambkisses

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In my opinion you should be supportive and respectful of your husband's wishes in this situation. He helped pay down your debt. He deserves to buy what he saved his own money for. Your friend's problems are not your problems. If you want to give your friend some money then find a way to either sell something (of yours, that you own) or work for a paycheck and give that money to your friend, money that you earned. It seems you use the "it's our money" line when it suits you. But you are forgetting your own husband's needs, which should count just as much as yours do.
I see your point about the money and his needs, but how do I address the order issues? Mainly his refusal to even pray over it first and his childish approach to protect his things. No one can say it is healthy to render your own possessions unattractive in order to protect them and no one can say it's healthy to withdraw church membership over a disagreement with the pastor.
 
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Ken Rank

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I thank you for your insight. I need to clarify though, I don't really care about the spa and massages, I would give that stuff up since they are luxuries. I offered it to him to reach out really. The thing that started the problem is I personally did not have the amount of money that m my friend needed if I did I would have let her have it without hesitation (I looked at spirit, alligant, and southwest none of them would suit this situstion). He however did have the amount and then some just sitting in a box and it is troubling to me that he refuses to even discuss this. I guess the problem I am having is his grievances are not without merit so how can I talk to him?
It just has to be from a position of love, understanding, mercy, and maturity. And by throwing in the last one I am not saying you are immature, in fact, I really appreciate you adding a little depth to the spa/massage comment. You two should complete one another... if he ceased to work, you would have no food and soon be homeless. If you ceased to work you would have a disgusting living environment, probably disease, and who can even enjoy what your husband brings in at that point, right? So he makes the money but you both work together to balance the load and enhance each other's life. You need to sit down and lay THAT out and make sure it is understood by both. And... if you both are believers (and this isn't saying help your friend or not, in fact, it sounds like it is best to NOT bring that up again) then what does that mean to you both? If there is no love and mercy for others, EVEN IF they are not walking out their life as we think they should as we understand Scripture, then what is it we believe in? Love and mercy are the foundation for all of Scripture, all of God's instruction... and when it says we are known by our fruits... that isn't how many people we led in some sinner's prayer... the fruit we are supposed to be known by are HIS FRUITS, like love, peace, joy, patience, long suffering, etc.
 
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singpraise

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I see your point about the money and his needs, but how do I address the order issues? Mainly his refusal to even pray over it first and his childish approach to protect his things. No one can say it is healthy to render your own possessions unattractive in order to protect them and no one can say it's healthy to withdraw church membership over a disagreement with the pastor.

You seem to be extremely critical of the man who supports you. My advice is to take a look in the mirror instead of judging him so harshly. If you disagree with his method of handling your shared finances then you, by all means, should get a job so you have more of a say in your household finances. You can't tell your husband what or who to pray for, but you can pray for him, and your marriage, yourself. I don't feel it's a wife's place to dictate to her husband, or vice-versa for that matter. You should be just as respectful of him as you expect him to be respectful of you.
 
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lambkisses

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It just has to be from a position of love, understanding, mercy, and maturity. And by throwing in the last one I am not saying you are immature, in fact, I really appreciate you adding a little depth to the spa/massage comment. You two should complete one another... if he ceased to work, you would have no food and soon be homeless. If you ceased to work you would have a disgusting living environment, probably disease, and who can even enjoy what your husband brings in at that point, right? So he makes the money but you both work together to balance the load and enhance each other's life. You need to sit down and lay THAT out and make sure it is understood by both. And... if you both are believers (and this isn't saying help your friend or not, in fact, it sounds like it is best to NOT bring that up again) then what does that mean to you both? If there is no love and mercy for others, EVEN IF they are not walking out their life as we think they should as we understand Scripture, then what is it we believe in? Love and mercy are the foundation for all of Scripture, all of God's instruction... and when it says we are known by our fruits... that isn't how many people we led in some sinner's prayer... the fruit we are supposed to be known by are HIS FRUITS, like love, peace, joy, patience, long suffering, etc.
So what is your opinion on assets from prior to marriage? We live in a community property state so property from before marriage is not considered jointly owned however biblically I have always believed in the comingleing of assets since two become of one flesh. He is a believer too so that's why I thought his actions to be so jarring. He isn't racist by the way, he is Asian so I am 100% confident that the pro-nazi and pro-kkk slogans he engraved on all his things was solely to make them "unpawnable". Like I said his refusal to help my friend is only one facet of the problem, I feel the real issue is where his heart is.
 
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Ken Rank

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So what is your opinion on assets from prior to marriage? We live in a community property state so property from before marriage is not considered jointly owned however biblically I have always believed in the comingleing of assets since two become of one flesh. He is a believer too so that's why I thought his actions to be so jarring. He isn't racist by the way, he is Asian so I am 100% confident that the pro-nazi and pro-kkk slogans he engraved on all his things was solely to make them "unpawnable". Like I said his refusal to help my friend is only one facet of the problem, I feel the real issue is where his heart is.
Legally what was his is his and what was yours is yours. But this shouldn't be a legal issue and we are now talking secular law anyway. Do we REALLY believe? If yes, then we have to live under submission to the Lord... that is why we use that word, Lord. :) He is Lord, He is Master, His ways are those we follow, not ours. So as I see it, when you two joined you and all you are and all you have joined as well. You two really need to sit down... so what would I do? Pick a night of the week when you know a nice sit down meal is possible. Let him know you want to make a nice dinner and do so... make it special. Then sit, eat, and talk and start by defusing any potential bombs. "I love you, I need you, I don't want to lose you but you know we have to be able to communicate with each other." Even if you don't address anything else... if you can take that first step and get to a point where a TALK is possible without him storming off the garage... then it might take a few months or more but he will open up and you two can have deeper more meaningful discussions without any fear that one is trying to hurt the other. That has to be made known... there should be no fear, no insecurity, no vain threats... just open, honest, loving discussion.
 
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lambkisses

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You seem to be extremely critical of the man who supports you. My advice is to take a look in the mirror instead of judging him so harshly. If you disagree with his method of handling your shared finances then you, by all means, should get a job so you have more of a say in your household finances. You can't tell your husband what or who to pray for, but you can pray for him, and your marriage, yourself. I don't feel it's a wife's place to dictate to her husband, or vice-versa for that matter. You should be just as respectful of him as you expect him to be respectful of you.
Yes I am extremely critical, I would hope you would be too if your husband could potentially be self distructive. Engraving racist slogans into your own property to make it unpawnable is as crazy as setting your own car on fire to keep it from being towed.
 
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Poppyseed78

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Both of you are making mistakes here. I think it's unreasonable of you to expect your husband to give up things that he has been waiting 3 YEARS for, after having paid off your debts. He has been patient for a very long time. Also, it is selfish of you to tell him to pawn his stuff to help YOUR friend. However, he shouldn't be defacing his own property to render it unreturnable or un-pawnable. That's immature. But I understand it. It sounds to me like he feels unappreciated, and he wants to enjoy something of his own.

I'm a stay at home mom, and my husband is the sole breadwinner. We have a joint account, and I handle most of the finances, including paying the bills. He hates paying bills because he knows how hard he worked every hour to earn that money that seems to disappear so quickly as the bills come in. I encourage him to treat himself sometimes, to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

I think counseling could help you both. But I have to say, honestly, it is unreasonable for you to expect him to keep giving up his own wants over and over again. If you really want to help your friend, you can raise the money yourself. And, having been in an abusive relationship myself, I do know there are ways to leave that do not require airfare paid for by a friend. There are domestic violence shelters that are more than willing to help. I hate to sound callous, because I do sympathize with your friend, but her safety is not dependent on you alone.
 
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lambkisses

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Legally what was his is his and what was yours is yours. But this shouldn't be a legal issue and we are now talking secular law anyway. Do we REALLY believe? If yes, then we have to live under submission to the Lord... that is why we use that word, Lord. :) He is Lord, He is Master, His ways are those we follow, not ours. So as I see it, when you two joined you and all you are and all you have joined as well. You two really need to sit down... so what would I do? Pick a night of the week when you know a nice sit down meal is possible. Let him know you want to make a nice dinner and do so... make it special. Then sit, eat, and talk and start by defusing any potential bombs. "I love you, I need you, I don't want to lose you but you know we have to be able to communicate with each other." Even if you don't address anything else... if you can take that first step and get to a point where a TALK is possible without him storming off the garage... then it might take a few months or more but he will open up and you two can have deeper more meaningful discussions without any fear that one is trying to hurt the other. That has to be made known... there should be no fear, no insecurity, no vain threats... just open, honest, loving discussion.
This is a really good idea. Now, if the question of helping my friend is off the table (which you are most certainly right that I should just drop it), would you have a discussion about this at all? Like I said asides from this incident the way or family is is exactly like you said it should be when it comes to division of responsibility and resources. He earns the money I maintain the household, and we both stick to a budget, and truthfully speaking whenever he comes upon a windfall he always tells me about it and we always decide together how to spend it. So it begs the question will it do good to delve into why he felt or acted in this manner or is it best to ignore this occurrence entirely? On one hand it would mean peace to just ignore it but on the other we could potentially uncover and address the causes for his unhealthy behavior (you are 100% correct that the carving racial slur thing could be a red flag for some darker issues)
 
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Ken Rank

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This is a really good idea. Now, if the question of helping my friend is off the table (which you are most certainly right that I should just drop it), would you have a discussion about this at all? Like I said asides from this incident the way or family is is exactly like you said it should be when it comes to division of responsibility and resources. He earns the money I maintain the household, and we both stick to a budget, and truthfully speaking whenever he comes upon a windfall he always tells me about it and we always decide together how to spend it. So it begs the question will it do good to delve into why he felt or acted in this manner or is it best to ignore this occurrence entirely? On one hand it would mean peace to just ignore it but on the other we could potentially uncover and address the causes for his unhealthy behavior (you are 100% correct that the carving racial slur thing could be a red flag for some darker issues)
Here is what I believe about your friends situation.... I think if you bring it up NOW the conversation ends and the dinner is over. At least, any chance at peace during the meal will probably be lost. So, don't bring it up and instead talk about the things we just shared. Trust, loving adults, a life together as ONE each with an important job that makes the life of the other better. If it comes up... how the fruits of the spirit (love, peace, joy, patience, etc.) should really be the visible foundation of your marriage and then PERHAPS he might bring her up??? I am not saying he will, but if you do the conversation will likely end.... but if it is about you two and your life together and your love for one another... it might soften his heart. But either way, he has to do it because he wants to do it.

In the meantime, if you can help your friend get there and chip into the cause, do it by making personal sacrifices but be honest with him. Tell him something like, "I know you don't want to help and I respect that, but to have lost her family and now about to lose another, I just can't in my heart turn my back on such a need," then perhaps he might also chip in and if he doesn't you still will have planted a valuable seed should something like this ever come up again.

If he is unwilling to talk though, I would suggest counseling because this will just get worse over time and ultimately cause division... and we certainly have enough of that in the world already. :)

Blessings.
Ken
 
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lambkisses

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Both of you are making mistakes here. I think it's unreasonable of you to expect your husband to give up things that he has been waiting 3 YEARS for, after having paid off your debts. He has been patient for a very long time. Also, it is selfish of you to tell him to pawn his stuff to help YOUR friend. However, he shouldn't be defacing his own property to render it unreturnable or un-pawnable. That's immature. But I understand it. It sounds to me like he feels unappreciated, and he wants to enjoy something of his own.

I'm a stay at home mom, and my husband is the sole breadwinner. We have a joint account, and I handle most of the finances, including paying the bills. He hates paying bills because he knows how hard he worked every hour to earn that money that seems to disappear so quickly as the bills come in. I encourage him to treat himself sometimes, to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

I think counseling could help you both. But I have to say, honestly, it is unreasonable for you to expect him to keep giving up his own wants over and over again. If you really want to help your friend, you can raise the money yourself. And, having been in an abusive relationship myself, I do know there are ways to leave that do not require airfare paid for by a friend. There are domestic violence shelters that are more than willing to help. I hate to sound callous, because I do sympathize with your friend, but her safety is not dependent on you alone.
It was not his refusal as much as reaction and response. When I just tried to discuss the issue he stormed off and spent it all "so my friend can't get her grubby hands on it"(his words). Then later when I tried to talk to him again to see if he was willing to get a loan on the compressor he never users, I told him I would pay the loan back, his reaction was to racist up all his things to prevent the possibility of a pawn. This jarred me because in our Christian home there was never this is mine that is yours up until this point. And about pawning my own things, I don't have my own things every thing is ours,the things that would be considered "mine" are not worth anything to a pawn broker.
 
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It was not his refusal as much as reaction and response. When I just tried to discuss the issue he stormed off and spent it all "so my friend can't get her grubby hands on it"(his words). Then later when I tried to talk to him again to see if he was willing to get a loan on the compressor he never users, I told him I would pay the loan back, his reaction was to racist up all his things to prevent the possibility of a pawn. This jarred me because in our Christian home there was never this is mine that is yours up until this point. And about pawning my own things, I don't have my own things every thing is ours,the things that would be considered "mine" are not worth anything to a pawn broker.
You did say she was gender non-binary. Much of this probably stems from that. He might be Asian sis, but his racial rant might not indicate hatred of anyone who doesn't look like him, but why would THAT come to mind at all unless it was already in there, somewhere? His name and address on the tools would have done the same thing. I don't know... would be better to sit and hear both of you over an extended time to really be of any help. I would still try a nice meal and talking and if that doesn't work counseling because any marriage where communication is lacking will become a point of division in the future.
 
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Poppyseed78

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It was not his refusal as much as reaction and response. When I just tried to discuss the issue he stormed off and spent it all "so my friend can't get her grubby hands on it"(his words). Then later when I tried to talk to him again to see if he was willing to get a loan on the compressor he never users, I told him I would pay the loan back, his reaction was to racist up all his things to prevent the possibility of a pawn. This jarred me because in our Christian home there was never this is mine that is yours up until this point. And about pawning my own things, I don't have my own things every thing is ours,the things that would be considered "mine" are not worth anything to a pawn broker.

This definitely was an overreaction, immature, and only escalated the situation further. Has he ever acted this way before, or was this completely new and out of character for him? If it's a one-time occurrence, I would view it as him panicking about possibly losing things that were important to him. Obviously it was a bad way of expressing it. When you're both calm, I would gently say you felt hurt that he felt the need to do that, rather than just talking to you. Make it clear that you love him, and you want to be able to talk things through without anyone doing something impulsive or destructive. I'm not sure if this will work or not, but I would try to talk about it. I wouldn't push the issue of helping your friend, but I would want to discuss his outburst.
 
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lambkisses

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This definitely was an overreaction, immature, and only escalated the situation further. Has he ever acted this way before, or was this completely new and out of character for him? If it's a one-time occurrence, I would view it as him panicking about possibly losing things that were important to him. Obviously it was a bad way of expressing it. When you're both calm, I would gently say you felt hurt that he felt the need to do that, rather than just talking to you. Make it clear that you love him, and you want to be able to talk things through without anyone doing something impulsive or destructive. I'm not sure if this will work or not, but I would try to talk about it. I wouldn't push the issue of helping your friend, but I would want to discuss his outburst.
Yes this is the first time this happened ever. Like I said he wasn't happy about paying my debt before we got married but with that there was just some grumbling and he acquiesced when his parents got involved and the couples minister spoke to him.
It was particularly shocking because he spent more on the tickets to Hamilton ( which I appreciated but didn't ask for) then on the winch which he felt he had to buy right away. Here is a bit more context, we argued about this at 4 on a Saturday and he rushed out at 5 to spend away the money he hoarded. Normally for something big and expensive like a winch he takes weeks to shop around for a deal and haggles. But for this situation he basically changed his entire personality, I have really never seen him act so rashly.
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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I can agree he seems a bit immature in alot of what you said but I do agree with him that he shouldn't have to help your friend. I mean your married, which means you come first to each other. Not friends. And I'm sure your friend has others she could get help from or places that could help her.

On top of that you said shes "gender non binary", well I wouldn't help her in that case. True, helping her could show her the love of a christian any maybe she would become saved and changed (though you didn't say that), but its really something I would get involved in.

Now I will say if he takes on your debt, it doesn't mean you have to beg for money as if your lower then him. Your equal and he shouldn't hold it against you. I mean if you really wanted to help your friend maybe theres a seasonal job you can do the christmas season for some extra money to help her. Or she could start a go fund me page.
 
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pdudgeon

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So what is your opinion on assets from prior to marriage? We live in a community property state so property from before marriage is not considered jointly owned however biblically I have always believed in the comingleing of assets since two become of one flesh. He is a believer too so that's why I thought his actions to be so jarring. He isn't racist by the way, he is Asian so I am 100% confident that the pro-nazi and pro-kkk slogans he engraved on all his things was solely to make them "unpawnable". Like I said his refusal to help my friend is only one facet of the problem, I feel the real issue is where his heart is.

the thing is that you are confusing as a couple what the money comming into your house should be used for, and the priority in which it should be used.

Things like helping a friend are fine if you can afford it.
But it's absolutely something you both should agree upon.
And if there's no agreement--you don't help this time. Period.

And you should be honest with your friend and say that you can't help--not "my hubby won't let me help".

And yes, there's a name for a fund that helps others:
it's called "The Good Samaritan Fund".

That's a part of your mutual budget (yes, there's 'that' word!) that you both agree to contribute a fixed amount to every month. It doesn't have to be much money, but the money in there is allocated just for that purpose.

And while we're at it, yes each of you should also have your own 'mad' money that you spend on things for yourself.
Yes, it's perfectly fine for your husband to save up for things he wants to have. And no, you should not feel like you can grab that money for what you want or make him feel like he always has to give up his own wants to satisfy you (which is really what this is all about).

You definitely went over the line when you asked him to pawn HIS things so you could spend that money on someone outside the family.
No two ways about that. Totally and absolutely the wrong thing to do.

Instead, if you want big ticket things, get a job and do some saving yourself.
 
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