We have been married 3 years and for the most part things are really great. I am stay at home wife and my husband has a decent job and we are not super tight financially so we definitely can treat our selves. However a couple weeks ago, a major test of faith occurred and I am not sure how I should feel.
I would like to get it out there first that my husband is the sole provider but doesn't try to control me with the finances. Of course we have a budget that we both stick to but there had never been an instance where he would forbid a purchase or expenditure because he earned the money. However when it comes to assets from before we got married or things he perceives to be his "fair share" his attitude leaves a little to be desired.
So this is the situation, for as long as I have know my husband he had really wanted an off road bumper, winch, and suspension lift kit for his truck. Three years ago he was going to purchase it while we were still dating but we got married, he bought the engagement ring, and I had about 3k in debt I brought into the relationship. Those two things wiped out the money he saved for his toys. Back then it was a major fight to get him to help pay off my debt. He initially wanted me to default because in his words "I had nothing to do with the debt so I have no responsibility to pay it". It took combined prayers and counseling of his parents, my parents, and the couples minister to soften his heart to accept that when we become one spiritually my responsibilities are his responsibilities.
Flash forward 2 and a half years, he surprised me with Hamilton tickets for our anniversary because he knew how badly I wanted to go. I was shocked because I knew how expensive and hard to get they were. He opened up to me and said that he had been saving a little by little for his bumper, was almost there so he decided to dip into it a bit to make me happy. He said that he could wait until after Christmas to get his thing.
Now flash forward to 2 weeks ago, a very dear friend of mine is in a point of crisis, she is gender non binary and was in an extremely abusive relationship where her partner controlled the finances. Her parents cut off all support to her and she is practically homeless in another state (abusive partner lured her away from her family). On top of that her grandmother, the only member of her family whom didn't cut her out, is ailing and will probably not live till the new year. My friend desperately needs money to get out of her situation and to say her final goodbye. In light of this I asked my husband for the money he saved up for his truck toys and I was met with a flat no. He stated that he never liked my friend anyways and that he has waited 3 years for this and no one is taking it away from him. I argued that in a marriage we are suppose to be a team and that a major purchase like this should be mutually agreed upon. His counter was that 1) he would already have had this before we were married if I didn't have every one "gang up on him" to pay my previous debt 2)that he worked hard the last 3 years putting family needs before his own so he earned this and 3)that the bumper money wasn't "our money" but "his money" because he only put money towards it in equal increments to what I spent on things like spa treatments, massages, girls nights, etc. He reasoned that both of us had money budgeted for entertainment/indulgences and that he chose to save a portion of his allotment for the bumper. Although I can't say his argument is entirely without merit, I feel that we are being called to ease the burden of another, and to me that isn't discretionary.
I attempted to reason with him to see if we could come to some compromise but he just got angrier and angrier to the point where he wouldn't even let me count the money he had saved up. When I asked him to at least pray about it over night he took his cash box(apparently he saved the entire sum in loose bills stuffed in a crawl space) and ran out and paid in advance for the bumper at the garage. When he came home he hauled in a brand new winch and lift kit and triumphantly declared that the money was gone and there was nothing more to fight about. After that he was back to his normal self.
I didn't want to give up on what I believe was God calling us to action just yet so I worked out proposal and presented it to him a few days later. I proposed to him that he could keep the bumper but maybe we can return the winch and lend my friend the money for an airticket and in exchange I won't spend any money on spas or massages or any luxury treats for myself until we can buy him the winch. Again he refused and went the childish route by taking a file and scratching up the finish on the which to render it unreturnable. I then asked him if perhaps I could put one of the tools he doesn't use into pawn to help my friend with part off the air ticket and I promised him I would get it back for him before the loan period is up. This sent him into a rage where he declared that all those tool were his from before we got married and I have no right to pawn them, he got so angry that he locked himself into the garage and started engraving homophobic and racist slurs onto his things to make them "unpawnable". I decided to let him alone at that point and he calmed down after a couple hours and was back to his old self.
I contacted the pastor at our church to see if he could reach my husband but things didn't quite work out. He got it in his head that he was being ganged up on again and told our pastor that he was withdrawing his membership from the church.
I am really at a loss of what to do, I love my husband and he is an excellent provider, even now he is perfectly normal when I don't bring up helping my friend. But I don't know how I should feel about his opinion on what he perceives to be his fair share or his feelings on premarital assets. On top of that, I don't know how I can face my friend or our fellow church members and I don't have the slightest clue how I can explain to my family why all my husband's tools are covered with racist graffiti.
How can I fix things?
I would like to get it out there first that my husband is the sole provider but doesn't try to control me with the finances. Of course we have a budget that we both stick to but there had never been an instance where he would forbid a purchase or expenditure because he earned the money. However when it comes to assets from before we got married or things he perceives to be his "fair share" his attitude leaves a little to be desired.
So this is the situation, for as long as I have know my husband he had really wanted an off road bumper, winch, and suspension lift kit for his truck. Three years ago he was going to purchase it while we were still dating but we got married, he bought the engagement ring, and I had about 3k in debt I brought into the relationship. Those two things wiped out the money he saved for his toys. Back then it was a major fight to get him to help pay off my debt. He initially wanted me to default because in his words "I had nothing to do with the debt so I have no responsibility to pay it". It took combined prayers and counseling of his parents, my parents, and the couples minister to soften his heart to accept that when we become one spiritually my responsibilities are his responsibilities.
Flash forward 2 and a half years, he surprised me with Hamilton tickets for our anniversary because he knew how badly I wanted to go. I was shocked because I knew how expensive and hard to get they were. He opened up to me and said that he had been saving a little by little for his bumper, was almost there so he decided to dip into it a bit to make me happy. He said that he could wait until after Christmas to get his thing.
Now flash forward to 2 weeks ago, a very dear friend of mine is in a point of crisis, she is gender non binary and was in an extremely abusive relationship where her partner controlled the finances. Her parents cut off all support to her and she is practically homeless in another state (abusive partner lured her away from her family). On top of that her grandmother, the only member of her family whom didn't cut her out, is ailing and will probably not live till the new year. My friend desperately needs money to get out of her situation and to say her final goodbye. In light of this I asked my husband for the money he saved up for his truck toys and I was met with a flat no. He stated that he never liked my friend anyways and that he has waited 3 years for this and no one is taking it away from him. I argued that in a marriage we are suppose to be a team and that a major purchase like this should be mutually agreed upon. His counter was that 1) he would already have had this before we were married if I didn't have every one "gang up on him" to pay my previous debt 2)that he worked hard the last 3 years putting family needs before his own so he earned this and 3)that the bumper money wasn't "our money" but "his money" because he only put money towards it in equal increments to what I spent on things like spa treatments, massages, girls nights, etc. He reasoned that both of us had money budgeted for entertainment/indulgences and that he chose to save a portion of his allotment for the bumper. Although I can't say his argument is entirely without merit, I feel that we are being called to ease the burden of another, and to me that isn't discretionary.
I attempted to reason with him to see if we could come to some compromise but he just got angrier and angrier to the point where he wouldn't even let me count the money he had saved up. When I asked him to at least pray about it over night he took his cash box(apparently he saved the entire sum in loose bills stuffed in a crawl space) and ran out and paid in advance for the bumper at the garage. When he came home he hauled in a brand new winch and lift kit and triumphantly declared that the money was gone and there was nothing more to fight about. After that he was back to his normal self.
I didn't want to give up on what I believe was God calling us to action just yet so I worked out proposal and presented it to him a few days later. I proposed to him that he could keep the bumper but maybe we can return the winch and lend my friend the money for an airticket and in exchange I won't spend any money on spas or massages or any luxury treats for myself until we can buy him the winch. Again he refused and went the childish route by taking a file and scratching up the finish on the which to render it unreturnable. I then asked him if perhaps I could put one of the tools he doesn't use into pawn to help my friend with part off the air ticket and I promised him I would get it back for him before the loan period is up. This sent him into a rage where he declared that all those tool were his from before we got married and I have no right to pawn them, he got so angry that he locked himself into the garage and started engraving homophobic and racist slurs onto his things to make them "unpawnable". I decided to let him alone at that point and he calmed down after a couple hours and was back to his old self.
I contacted the pastor at our church to see if he could reach my husband but things didn't quite work out. He got it in his head that he was being ganged up on again and told our pastor that he was withdrawing his membership from the church.
I am really at a loss of what to do, I love my husband and he is an excellent provider, even now he is perfectly normal when I don't bring up helping my friend. But I don't know how I should feel about his opinion on what he perceives to be his fair share or his feelings on premarital assets. On top of that, I don't know how I can face my friend or our fellow church members and I don't have the slightest clue how I can explain to my family why all my husband's tools are covered with racist graffiti.
How can I fix things?