- Jul 19, 2017
- 62
- 177
- 38
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Catholic
- Marital Status
- Single
don't know where to put this so i'll put it here
i have bipolar disorder
i am kind of struggling right now
on the one hand i know that my life before i started obeying God was terrible. i was lost confused in emotional pain hurting myself and other people. but somehow it is easy for me to forget or diminish what God has done for me.
there was a time when i was "almost there" but not quite. i believed in God and it was important to me and i was praying but i was not obeying and did not really know how or just couldnt stop bad behavior.
it's that time that i'm looking back on.
i feel like i wish i could go back to that.
i wish i made different choices.
am i suffering now as a consequence of my (terrible) sins?
will i for the rest of my life?
i had a conversion experience when i found out i was pregnant. i was trying and failing to change before that. but by some grace when i found out i was pregnant everything made sense and i stopped blatantly sinning and started practicing my faith according to the rules.
but still i made big mistakes after that.
my son's father is an addict and (i think) some degree of a narcissist.
i lived with him for 2.5 years and justified it to myself because we had separate bedrooms and tried not to fornicate.
still i wonder if living with him was the biggest mistake i ever made.
i feel like a shell of who i used to be. i feel like all the love and confidence i had leaked out through the holes that broke in me after fighting and struggling with him.
why i let it get to that point i dont know.
but i moved out (back to east coast)
and things are not easy for me now.
i thought if you start doing the right thing, things get easier.
but no. i am basically alone in a weird town and struggling with my son.
even though i made huge mistakes i have been genuinely practicing and trying not to sin for the past three years.
i guess i am ungrateful impatient and unrealistic because i think " shouldnt my prayers have stopped me from that outburst? why am i struggling? isnt God helping me?"
and i know God is helping me i am just a brat.
i am so angry sometimes.
i have bipolar disorder
i am kind of struggling right now
on the one hand i know that my life before i started obeying God was terrible. i was lost confused in emotional pain hurting myself and other people. but somehow it is easy for me to forget or diminish what God has done for me.
there was a time when i was "almost there" but not quite. i believed in God and it was important to me and i was praying but i was not obeying and did not really know how or just couldnt stop bad behavior.
it's that time that i'm looking back on.
i feel like i wish i could go back to that.
i wish i made different choices.
am i suffering now as a consequence of my (terrible) sins?
will i for the rest of my life?
i had a conversion experience when i found out i was pregnant. i was trying and failing to change before that. but by some grace when i found out i was pregnant everything made sense and i stopped blatantly sinning and started practicing my faith according to the rules.
but still i made big mistakes after that.
my son's father is an addict and (i think) some degree of a narcissist.
i lived with him for 2.5 years and justified it to myself because we had separate bedrooms and tried not to fornicate.
still i wonder if living with him was the biggest mistake i ever made.
i feel like a shell of who i used to be. i feel like all the love and confidence i had leaked out through the holes that broke in me after fighting and struggling with him.
why i let it get to that point i dont know.
but i moved out (back to east coast)
and things are not easy for me now.
i thought if you start doing the right thing, things get easier.
but no. i am basically alone in a weird town and struggling with my son.
even though i made huge mistakes i have been genuinely practicing and trying not to sin for the past three years.
i guess i am ungrateful impatient and unrealistic because i think " shouldnt my prayers have stopped me from that outburst? why am i struggling? isnt God helping me?"
and i know God is helping me i am just a brat.
i am so angry sometimes.
