Hi I’m Rachel - struggling Ex Wife

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I am Rachel and I got divorced approx in 2007. I filed, and I am and have been single since which I feel completely content with. I almost feel too content but I am not at all broken hearted or still grieving, I’m fine. I have just been busy in and out of courts with my ex and custody issues with our kids and child support. I literally have nothing to my name and live in my parents basement, no car and my plan to go back to school has been stalled because my ex is demanding his child support I can’t pay, imputed charges on me, no job and have just made life miserable for me. Oh, by the way, he is remarried. He is self employed. Has a house with his wife, 2 boats, 2 new vehicles, money in the bank, which I am not jealous of at all because our kids have a nice home with their dad and with me with their grandparents. The wife has refused to meet me so I dont know who my kids live with, I accepted that because after 7 years, it may pose as more of a problem and toxic. She intercepts all emails and communication with me and my ex about our kids, he refuses to mediate, bring me to court and claim I’m in contempt, try to reduce my parenting time and just ridiculous things like when I was at my sons dental appt and she brought my son, I kindly said I can finish filling out his intake work and she would not let go of the clipboard and ended in pushing me and ripping up the paperwork and throwing it in the direction of the receptionist. “You can go to your sons orientation from 9-910 and leave and dad will go from 910-920.” Like shut up! My ex and I, I am convinced we could be good friends and have a healthy relationship for our kids because there are zero feelings there but deemed the jealous ex wife. FYI- I am a pastors kid who got knocked up by My ex so there was a little pressure there to get married for the wrong reason. We were 21. Friends since middle school. I showed up to the wedding. I did my part. I filed, I wanted out. The wife is just cruel and tells my kids I’m trying to steal them away, “you aren’t going to kindergarten because your mom won’t let you” because my son was diagnosed with a delay so retention in Kindergarten was an option before that occurred, scare my kids and say, “if you mom comes around here, you won’t have a mom because she’ll go to jail.” The amount of cruel things she says to my boys, I don’t think I could say to any child. They disparaged me to my kids school and so the school has broke our court order in favor of my ex bc I’m this evil person. I have had my kids call her on mother’s day and say happy mother’s day, for the clothes our son had grown out of, I sent to their dads for their youngest son as brothers hand me downs. I honestly don’t know what has fueled this 7 year battle as all I literally have is organs to give. It’s sad because Co-parenting can be a good gig and in our kids best interest. I finally just checked out like I’m done, limit contact, set boundaries, and done getting my hopes up that a “hi” is moving forward rather than alleged harassment. So, I get a call from my drunk ex and he says a random 7 years later at 1030 pm that he was telling our son how we met and danced and okay? I kind of stick to funny memories but whatever and he just wants to move forward and be friends and co parent. Well, why did I never think of that? What a great idea but 7 years later, we just went to court and he’s still trying to have this hold on me so I can’t go to court until I pay my ransom check. Am I wrong for being upset that my son struggles in school and presents with behavioral issues that went dismissed when I vocalized my concerns, the school breakjng the court order in my ex’s favor and feel like a joke parent, annoyed for 7 years of this and now just expected to be friends. I feel like proceed with caution is appropriate and I really don’t want to communicate with him at all because it’s her and I just get slammed like, “since you don’t support your kids...” it’s so annoying and I really want to be left alone. 7 years of crying and praying has not seemed to pay off but rather the complete opposite.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

And I did withdraw my retirement fund to pay for mediation and that never took place.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Hello and welcome to CF.

Prayers for you and your family. I'm sorry you are going through this. You might get more responses by posting in the Advice forum here.

Christian Advice

Have you checked to see if Legal Aid is available to help advise you? Many things can be handled without an attorney if you really can't get one. But you need to be well-prepared going in. Document everything - not in depth format but the necessary facts including dates, times, persons, locations, quotes. If you have a copy of your paperwork and it doesn't limit you wrt schooling, get on good footing with the school. And if there is any way possible, get a counseling regimen set up for your child/ren and be involved. But never overbearing and not dramatic. Law forums often offer free advice but you have to have thick skin and be honest. These situations can lead to real problems, and are best managed within the system. Don't give up, but do what you can to keep yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy through all of this. Lack of drama on your part with the new wife can help. Learn your state's laws about what is expected wrt custody and co-parenting. And look for good support in any or all of these areas where you can find it.

Forgive me that this reads like a litany of advice. I've been in a very difficult situation myself, and I wish I could have told my former self a thing or few. Above all, hang onto God.

You have my prayers.

 

[mnorian]

I am Rachel and I got divorced approx in 2007. I filed, and I am and have been single since which I feel completely content with. I almost feel too content but I am not at all broken hearted or still grieving, I’m fine. I have just been busy in and out of courts with my ex and custody issues with our kids and child support. I literally have nothing to my name and live in my parents basement, no car and my plan to go back to school has been stalled because my ex is demanding his child support I can’t pay, imputed charges on me, no job and have just made life miserable for me. Oh, by the way, he is remarried. He is self employed. Has a house with his wife, 2 boats, 2 new vehicles, money in the bank, which I am not jealous of at all because our kids have a nice home with their dad and with me with their grandparents. The wife has refused to meet me so I dont know who my kids live with, I accepted that because after 7 years, it may pose as more of a problem and toxic. She intercepts all emails and communication with me and my ex about our kids, he refuses to mediate, bring me to court and claim I’m in contempt, try to reduce my parenting time and just ridiculous things like when I was at my sons dental appt and she brought my son, I kindly said I can finish filling out his intake work and she would not let go of the clipboard and ended in pushing me and ripping up the paperwork and throwing it in the direction of the receptionist. “You can go to your sons orientation from 9-910 and leave and dad will go from 910-920.” Like shut up! My ex and I, I am convinced we could be good friends and have a healthy relationship for our kids because there are zero feelings there but deemed the jealous ex wife. FYI- I am a pastors kid who got knocked up by My ex so there was a little pressure there to get married for the wrong reason. We were 21. Friends since middle school. I showed up to the wedding. I did my part. I filed, I wanted out. The wife is just cruel and tells my kids I’m trying to steal them away, “you aren’t going to kindergarten because your mom won’t let you” because my son was diagnosed with a delay so retention in Kindergarten was an option before that occurred, scare my kids and say, “if you mom comes around here, you won’t have a mom because she’ll go to jail.” The amount of cruel things she says to my boys, I don’t think I could say to any child. They disparaged me to my kids school and so the school has broke our court order in favor of my ex bc I’m this evil person. I have had my kids call her on mother’s day and say happy mother’s day, for the clothes our son had grown out of, I sent to their dads for their youngest son as brothers hand me downs. I honestly don’t know what has fueled this 7 year battle as all I literally have is organs to give. It’s sad because Co-parenting can be a good gig and in our kids best interest. I finally just checked out like I’m done, limit contact, set boundaries, and done getting my hopes up that a “hi” is moving forward rather than alleged harassment. So, I get a call from my drunk ex and he says a random 7 years later at 1030 pm that he was telling our son how we met and danced and okay? I kind of stick to funny memories but whatever and he just wants to move forward and be friends and co parent. Well, why did I never think of that? What a great idea but 7 years later, we just went to court and he’s still trying to have this hold on me so I can’t go to court until I pay my ransom check. Am I wrong for being upset that my son struggles in school and presents with behavioral issues that went dismissed when I vocalized my concerns, the school breakjng the court order in my ex’s favor and feel like a joke parent, annoyed for 7 years of this and now just expected to be friends. I feel like proceed with caution is appropriate and I really don’t want to communicate with him at all because it’s her and I just get slammed like, “since you don’t support your kids...” it’s so annoying and I really want to be left alone. 7 years of crying and praying has not seemed to pay off but rather the complete opposite.

Hi Rachel; when things get hard; music can be soothing grace; on that note;
welcome to CF; May the Lord Jesus guide you here as well as in the world; and may you find friends and what ever you need from the Lord here. I do have a question for you; do you like music--Praise & Worship music? Well we have a new forum here at CF just for P&W music and at the top is a directory of other Christian music threads around CF; come and take a look!

Praise and Worship Music

To The

 

[(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)]

Am I wrong for being upset that my son struggles in school and presents with behavioral issues that went dismissed when I vocalized my concerns, the school breakjng the court order in my ex’s favor and feel like a joke parent, annoyed for 7 years of this and now just expected to be friends.

I am sorry to hear about your circumstance. You are not wrong for being upset. It is what you do with that anger is the important part. However, although you provided a lot of details, the concern that I have is the details you have left out. Like the reason for the divorce. Why did the husband get custody of the kids? Why are you jobless and living with your parents? These are all details that may explain a lot. There are always at least three sides to a story. Your side, their side, and what actually happened. It appears that the only question you raised is whether or not you being upset is wrong? Well, the answer to that is simply no. It is perfectly fine to be upset. The problem that we cannot determine an answer to is whether or not you being upset is justifiable or if your situation is a direct result of your decisions or actions.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

Hello and welcome to CF.

Prayers for you and your family. I'm sorry you are going through this. You might get more responses by posting in the Advice forum here.

Christian Advice

Have you checked to see if Legal Aid is available to help advise you? Many things can be handled without an attorney if you really can't get one. But you need to be well-prepared going in. Document everything - not in depth format but the necessary facts including dates, times, persons, locations, quotes. If you have a copy of your paperwork and it doesn't limit you wrt schooling, get on good footing with the school. And if there is any way possible, get a counseling regimen set up for your child/ren and be involved. But never overbearing and not dramatic. Law forums often offer free advice but you have to have thick skin and be honest. These situations can lead to real problems, and are best managed within the system. Don't give up, but do what you can to keep yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy through all of this. Lack of drama on your part with the new wife can help. Learn your state's laws about what is expected wrt custody and co-parenting. And look for good support in any or all of these areas where you can find it.

Forgive me that this reads like a litany of advice. I've been in a very difficult situation myself, and I wish I could have told my former self a thing or few. Above all, hang onto God.

You have my prayers.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I have sought every resource given that it’s been 7 years but am I wrong for disengaging and saying I’m done! It’s not even my ex, it’s her. I tried to make amends with her and that resulted in her fearing for her life and harassment allegations, so I’m done being the nice guy and will keep contact to a very minimum.

 

[~Anastasia~]

It's probably wise to keep contact with your ex and his wife to a minimum. I would advise not giving up contact with your child though if you have a healthy relationship with him and can preserve it.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I would definitely not ever give up contact with my boys. She is him behind email which is how we have to communicate. There was infidelity and she was the other woman so I’m seriously wondering if this is a result of her insecurity, but if anything, don’t be insecure about me. That ship has sailed. I’d be concerned about other women.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Divorce can be a very sad place.
Been there -- I know.
Ex was mean and
did not keep promises.
Seems fooling around
before marriage
came with a price to pay.
I should have listened to
the Bible.
The good news
God brings others in time
into our lives.
M-Bob

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I am sorry to hear about your circumstance. You are not wrong for being upset. It is what you do with that anger is the important part. However, although you provided a lot of details, the concern that I have is the details you have left out. Like the reason for the divorce. Why did the husband get custody of the kids? Why are you jobless and living with your parents? These are all details that may explain a lot. There are always at least three sides to a story. Your side, their side, and what actually happened. It appears that the only question you raised is whether or not you being upset is wrong? Well, the answer to that is simply no. It is perfectly fine to be upset. The problem that we cannot determine an answer to is whether or not you being upset is justifiable or if your situation is a direct result of your decisions or actions.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I was never jobless but my very vocalized plan was I had to return to school to get my bachelors in nursing, RN is 2 year, BSN is 4 year, than a pre req to get into the Anesthesia Program to get my MA in Nurse Anesthesia, does not allow you to work. The program is very intense. So because I had to quit my job with the plan of returning to school as a year of critical care is required to get in, my ex brought me to child support court, said I didn’t pay for 3 months and put a financial aid hold on me so going to school is not feasible without finaid. I’m spent as far as money goes so his attorney was able to persuade the judge that I quit voluntarily but I did it with this plan and his argument was “attorneys have to get jobs to support them during law school” well and that’s why so many errors are made in Family Court that cannot be made with the lives of patients. So that’s a huge hold up, and I’m not mad, I’m not worried about what my ex does over at his home and his life but when it’s compromising my life and furthering my education to pursue my dreams but also make a life for our kids and just being vindictive is something I don’t feel I need to engage in but forced to suffer the outcome. We both have joint everything, however, I do think not having representation and bad outcomes has made me reluctant to fight hard core for what I want because I will pay for it one way or another. My son passed away when he was 4 months old and if anyone thinks I am stuck on my ex and can’t move on, I’m pretty resilient in moving on and accepting things for what they are. I had to bury my son... and move on. But that is a closed chapter and I can’t bring my son back to life. But, this is within what I feel can be fixed and repaired but I also don’t have the energy to go back and forth with him and if he’s struggling with having all control, am I wrong or giving up if I’m just like you take care of everything, advise me, I’ll remain an active parent of course but I’m over it. I grieved the loss of my son who passed and than another 7+ years for my boys and how ugly things were/are. I’m done. Doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my kids or cutting my ex off completely, but rather keeping communication to the very mom and he can be the decision maker as Court is not a place I want to keep returning to.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I’ve moved on with any hurt I felt from the divorce that I hardly felt as I wanted out before infidelity. Our marriage took a hit after our son died. But when whoever said I need to move on with my life because he did, it’s hard to do when you keep getting boxed in. I’m unsure where I’m supposed to move on to? Where? School? Nope? Out of my parents Home? Nope? Where do I move on to?

 

[~Anastasia~]

Prayers for you. I just wasn't sure what you meant by limiting contact. Definitely I would limit contact with the ex and his wife to whatever is absolutely necessary for the sake of the children, and leave off all drama, even if you are provoked.

Can you not seek support modification based on your current (lack of) income?

My apologies for any misunderstanding.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I’ve moved on From my ex and from the divorce that I hardly felt as I wanted out before infidelity. Our marriage took a hit after our son died. But when whoever said I need to move on with my life because he did, it’s hard to do when you keep getting boxed in. I’m unsure where I’m supposed to move on to? Where? School? Nope? Out of my parents Home? Nope? Where do I move on to?

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

Prayers for you. I just wasn't sure what you meant by limiting contact. Definitely I would limit contact with the ex and his wife to whatever is absolutely necessary for the sake of the children, and leave off all drama, even if you are provoked.

Can you not seek support modification based on your current (lack of) income?

My apologies for any misunderstanding.

I’ve moved on From my ex and from the divorce that I hardly felt as I wanted out before infidelity. Our marriage took a hit after our son died. But when whoever said I need to move on with my life because he did, it’s hard to do when you keep getting boxed in. I’m unsure where I’m supposed to move on to? Where? School? Nope? Out of my parents Home? Nope? Where do I move on to?

Prayers for you. I just wasn't sure what you meant by limiting contact. Definitely I would limit contact with the ex and his wife to whatever is absolutely necessary for the sake of the children, and leave off all drama, even if you are provoked.

Can you not seek support modification based on your current (lack of) income?

My apologies for any misunderstanding.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I can’t seek assistance bc since the kids are on his case, they can’t be on 2 cases at the time. And yeah, I am no longer provoked as I went to counseling solely due to conflict resolution and I’m not mad but I’m not grasping the disappointing objective of causing destruction in my life for 7 years

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

Did you play the role of the, “new wife”? Because I think your reading “A” and skipping everything in between and going to “Z” and coming to a conclusion that happens not to be the source of what you are basing your conclusion off of. Fact: people move on with life. But also Fact: people stand in the way from you literally moving on with your life. So, fact: in order to get my masters in nurse anesthetia, I need, fact: financial aid. I cannot attend school fact: without it, so if my ex asked to have a financial aid hold on me than advising me to go to school is based off of??? Suggestions? In the interim of not working to attend school which is a requirement, like in fact: med school, that is your job. You cannot have a job or risk getting Fact: kicked out the program. So school is out of the question currently, but I am Fact: having to seek employment, still pay child suppprt as it was imputed on me, spent my retirement fund to do so, and so Fact:Until hired when I quit based on my acceptance to the program, recanting my reason for quitting a job free a little over a year of nursing is, Fact, not the best look. If I am having problems having someone on the internet I don’t know, look at the big picture alleging I’m not over or havent move on from the divorce like I am trying to meddle in my ex’s life rather focus on building mine when I am constricted and the box is getting smaller, getting hired based off of quitting to get my masters and recanting and walk into garnishments, tax levy’s is what you’re failing to see, the courts, etc.

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

I have been single since my divorce and content. No I haven’t been blessed with a husband but I’m not seeking one out p

 

[Wanderlust.Livin]

Do you need a man to be content? I don’t. I broke the facts for you as everyone seemed to understand. This is that A that you skipped all content through Z. You could just pray even if you didn’t understand things in your way but as for a mom who doesn’t want to make decisions based on just reacting and that I just want to make the best child focused decision.