Hi Everyone...I need some advice.

[QuietBeauty]

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this site and I need some christian advice on something...

Here's a little background....

I've only been married for a few months and my husband and I had to move in with his mom temporarily. (If your wondering why we had to move back in with his mom, It was either her home or living on the streets. We literally had no choice.) So anyways, Her home is very cute but small so we're very very close to each other.Both my husband and his mom work during the day and pretty much come home at the same time, So we really don't have much alone time together. I want to be respectful so I no longer kiss,hug or even hold hands with my husband. This is so new for us because before this My husband and I were living on our own for a while so we naturally did those things all of the time. My husband and I have talked and he says it's okay for us to cuddle while she's home, However I don't want to make her uncomfortable. I'm still getting to know his mom and I just want her to like me.

So on one hand....
I want to respect his mom and want her to like me. I also don't want to make her uncomfortable.

On the second hand...
I barely see my husband anymore because he works so often. (He works early and comes home late so we literally have like 5 hours to talk before he's back to sleep and up again for work.) So when I see him at the end of the day I just want to kiss and hug him.

With all this being said...What should I do?? Am I being a good wife? Am I being a good daughter in law? Is this going to change my marriage? (My husband already thinks I don't want to cuddle or be affectionate towards him which is not true.) I feel so conflicted and I just want to make them both happy.

P.S. ~ We tried cuddling once when she was home because my husband insisted on it and I missed him so badly, So we tried that and she seemed uncomfortable because every time I'd lay on his chest she would ask him to do something. So, I sensed she was trying to politely tell us that this made her uncomfortable.

Thank you all for your replies, I'm definitely going to seek The Lord about this.

 

[Demetrius194]

...

To me personally it does seem disrespectful towards his mother if you guys cuddle in the same room. You are right to feel that. So, only do it in your room, go there and do whatever you want there, but when you are out, behave like in movies, a brief kiss on the lips and an odd touch is max. I would certainly advise you to find a room somewhere else though, as the mom can get weary, and it can spoil family relationships.

 

[QuietBeauty]

To me personally it does seem disrespectful towards his mother if you guys cuddle in the same room. You are right to feel that. So, only do it in your room, go there and do whatever you want there, but when you are out, behave like in movies, a brief kiss on the lips and an odd touch is max. I would certainly advise you to find a room somewhere else though, as the mom can get weary, and it can spoil family relationships.

We live in a basement apartment right now so there is no other room for us. Thank you for replying to my message though, I really appreciate it.

 

[Albion]

I think I'm in line with what Demetrius wrote. There shouldn't be any objection or discomfort coming from Mom on account of SOME of this--kiss upon returning from work. holding hands, and so on. So it's not as though "no touching" is the rule or ought to be, unless Mom is really very abnormal about these things. But even then, I would think that you are entitled to alone time in your room, and if that's really a "basement apartment," it may be that you are too much concerned about seeming unsocial if you retreat to it too soon in the evening. Maybe that's the issue on which some adjustment needs to be made.

The only way to really solve this, however, is to find a place of your own. Unless there are no prospects of that happening anytime soon, giving up some--but not all--overt affection may be just the price to be paid for needing to live with his mother.

 

[QuietBeauty]

I think I'm in line with what Demetrius wrote. There shouldn't be any objection or discomfort coming from Mom on account of SOME of this--kiss upon returning from work. holding hands, and so on. So it's not as though "no touching" is the rule or ought to be, unless Mom is really very abnormal about these things. But even then, I would think that you are entitled to alone time in your room.

The only way to really solve this, however, is to find a place of your own. Unless there are no prospects of that happening anytime soon, giving up some--but not all--overt affection may be just the price to be paid for needing to live with his mother.

My husband and I are only going to be living here for a few months hopefully. Thank you for replying to my message.

 

[Demetrius194]

The only way to really solve this, however, is to find a place of your own. Unless there are no prospects of that happening anytime soon, giving up some--but not all--overt affection may be just the price to be paid for needing to live with his mother

I definitely agree with you, Albion. I am very sorry for them that things have taken a harsh turn for them. But I am going to hope things will look up for them. He is working, so perhaps they will eventually be able to afford a small room somewhere else. There's always good deals in the classified.

 

[Demetrius194]

...

I think God is giving them a test. It is designed to test the strength of the vows they took. Every time we decide upon something, there seems to be a test to test the strength of our determination, at least from what I gather. And this time this is about whether they will be able to keep their love and faithfulness towards each other despite of not being able to show the kind of intimacy that is often a source of contention is families due to a lack thereof. It is also an opportunity for the wife to be blessed if she shows herself respectful towards her new mother ("honor your father and mother"). I definitely wish both of them the best of luck.

 

[BFine]

I would have a talk with "mom" about the situation...share
with her what you have written in your post on here.

Thinking aloud...
If mom is offended by a young married couple displaying
a bit of cuddling, hand-holding and a few kisses...could it be
that mom lacks for love/affection?
Does mom have a husband or a love interest?

 

[Demetrius194]

If mom is offended by a young married couple displaying
a bit of cuddling, hand-holding and a few kisses...could it be
that mom lacks for love/affection?
Does mom have a husband or a love interest?

Even if she does, I don't think that the wife should gossip behind her back about it, it is to act like Ham, who told everyone that his father was naked, and got cursed for it.

 

[QuietBeauty]

Even if she does, I don't think that the wife should gossip behind her back about it, it is to act like Ham, who told everyone that his father was naked, and got cursed for it.

So are you saying that posting about it in the forum is bad on my part? I was just seeking advice.

 

[QuietBeauty]

I would have a talk with "mom" about the situation...share
with her what you have written in your post on here.

Thinking aloud...
If mom is offended by a young married couple displaying
a bit of cuddling, hand-holding and a few kisses...could it be
that mom lacks for love/affection?
Does mom have a husband or a love interest?

She's currently not with anyone that I know of, I don't think it's that she lacks affection. She has a lot of people around her that love and care about her. I'm just going to respect his mom and show no affection towards my husband. I just hope and pray that this doesn't ruin my marriage.

 

[QuietBeauty]

I think God is giving them a test. It is designed to test the strength of the vows they took. Every time we decide upon something, there seems to be a test to test the strength of our determination, at least from what I gather. And this time this is about whether they will be able to keep their love and faithfulness towards each other despite of not being able to show the kind of intimacy that is often a source of contention is families due to a lack thereof. It is also an opportunity for the wife to be blessed if she shows herself respectful towards her new mother ("honor your father and mother"). I definitely wish both of them the best of luck.

Thank you.

 

[BFine]

She's currently not with anyone that I know of, I don't think it's that she lacks affection. She has a lot of people around her that love and care about her. I'm just going to respect his mom and show no affection towards my husband. I just hope and pray that this doesn't ruin my marriage.

*Show no affection to your own husband?

Unless this "no affection" is by mutual consent, it
wouldn't be respectful to treat one's spouse that
way.

 

[Goodbook]

?
Your are married to your husband so you ought to listen to him and you said he's ok with it.
Wanting your mother in-law to like you doesn't mean you stop doing loving things with your husband. Have you tried giving your mother-in-law a hug?

 

[ToBeLoved]

I'd try just holding hands for a while.

You must have your own room and if your husband would have to 'change his clothes' after work, you could go sneak a quick hug & kiss without making mom uncomfortable.

In a month or so, then I would sit down and have a respectful conversation with her, asking if hugs are ok and/or kisses are ok.

It is her house.

Maybe walks together outside. Especially if you have a dog. Or getting coffee or tea at a cafe' or McDonald's even.

You should be able to sneak away for short amounts of time. I think that you will just have to change your behavior until you talk to her.

 

[QuietBeauty]

*Show no affection to your own husband?

Unless this "no affection" is by mutual consent, it
wouldn't be respectful to treat one's spouse that
way.

I know it sounds harsh, I'm not saying I'm going to be mean to him but it is her house and if that means no touching then that's what it has to be, I literally have no choice. I want to be respectful.

 

[QuietBeauty]

I'd try just holding hands for a while.

You must have your own room and if your husband would have to 'change his clothes' after work, you could go sneak a quick hug & kiss without making mom uncomfortable.

In a month or so, then I would sit down and have a respectful conversation with her, asking if hugs are ok and/or kisses are ok.

It is her house.

Maybe walks together outside. Especially if you have a dog. Or getting coffee or tea at a cafe' or McDonald's even.

You should be able to sneak away for short amounts of time. I think that you will just have to change your behavior until you talk to her.

Thank you for your advice, It really did help a lot. We'll have to , because I love my husband so much and I need to show him that. So if we have to go for walks just to kiss then so be it.

 

[QuietBeauty]

?
Your are married to your husband so you ought to listen to him and you said he's ok with it.
Wanting your mother in-law to like you doesn't mean you stop doing loving things with your husband. Have you tried giving your mother-in-law a hug?

I know I have to listen my husband but I also am living in his mother's house so I want to respect her as well. I cuddled with him anyway that night when his mom was in the room and I could tell she was uncomfortable so I stopped. I have hugged her plenty of times and she is even affectionate with my husband. (So to be honest I don't see why me kissing my own husband is a big deal when she kisses him on the cheek.) I just feel like maybe that's somehow different because she's being affectionate in a "motherly way" and I'm not? I don't know but I have to respect her and I just want there to be peace in her home while I'm here. So if that means my husband and I have to go outside to hug/kiss then so be it because I'm never going to stop loving my husband for anyone.

 

[QuietBeauty]

Thank you all again for the replies, It gave me a lot of clarity over this situation.

 

[paul1149]

I also think that frequent positive communication with your husband about the conflict and to affirm your basic feelings toward him will do a lot to relieve the stress. So he won't misinterpret your motivations.