Hey People :)

[paulewog]

So, hello.

It has come to Singles Ministry staff attention that there is some amount of issue with this particular forum. Now, I realize I'm not on staff, but I'm here anyways, hehe

Here is the basic issue. There are sorta two groups of singles: those that are content with being single (though not necessarily "not looking"), and those that are not content with being single.

Apparently, the two sides have an informal war. Ok, not really, but it appears there's a great divide between the two. For example, it would appear that the "discontent" ones sometimes get upset with the "content" ones when the "content" ones (who often seem to be a bit older ) tell the "discontent" that they ought to BE "content."

/me gives everyone a cookie for actually getting through that last paragraph.

Now, we could, of course, make two forums or something like that. But the idea of this forum was to give mutual support to each other, support and encouragement. Not have a divide or whatnot. So, staff decided instead that it might be a good idea to just be totally open in this case, and pose the question to you all, and hopefully discuss it to a fruitful end:

Do you see this divide; if so, what should we do?

If not, why do you think it is perceived?

Thank you.

- paulewog

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Do you see this divide; if so, what should we do?

Sounds like micro-managing a problem that doesn't really exist.

If we take that line of thinking to an extreme, then why don't we take every topic that people could disagree on and divide the board into thousands of miniature groups of like-minded people? That way we could all agree with eachother and nobodies feelings would ever get hurt.

People disagree, people get offended, it's not the world wide crisis it's made out to be around here.

If we didn't disagree or come from different backgrounds/opinions/theologies, there'd be no point for the forum in the first place.

So, I think breaking things into small groups because a few people might be afraid of things not running smoothly goes against the purpose of the forum from a fundamental standpoint.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Wow. You can't be serious?

What should you do about it? Nothing. Tell people to suck it up and deal with it or move on. Goodness, everyone has something tom complain about, don't they? How do people function in the real world?

 

[JeremiahJ]

Seriously, splitting the forum again would be ridiculous. There's already a "Mature Singles" board that splits the community so that the older don't get exposed to the varied cultural perspective and biblical views of the young and the young don't get the wisdom of the old. I don't think that should be the case. What would you do, make a "content" and "discontent" forums? That would be ludicrous.

To call it an "informal war" is absurd. The lines definitely are not that clearly cut. I'm not content being single and staying that way, but I'm content with the joy of my savior. But, sometimes my contentment varies. I can cry tears of sorrow and the next minute laugh joyously because of what God has done for me. I'm sure others have similar cases of shifting contentedness. No one is against anyone. I would say that some people hate it when people tell them to be content, but that doesn't create battle lines. It usually comes out of a misunderstanding between the people, and that's to be expected on any online forum. You can only get so much across in so much space. Some of the "discontent" crowd (and, I hate saying that because it puts people in groups that shouldn't even be considered to exist) actually are encouraged to be told to be content and see that others who are single are also living life to the full.

Do nothing. Things have not gotten out of hand. I don't think they will. I think that generally (not all though!) people are understanding as they become more knowledgeable about others on the board. There is a healthy unity that is here regardless of our different levels of spirituality, education, theology, income, and even content.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

if we continue to split the forum eventually we'll have a situation where if someone has a question, instead of being exposed to different views, they can simply search around until they find like a like-minded group to agree with them and re-enforce what they wanted to hear.

I agree completely with Caelda, and feel sorry for those who are so afraid of confrontation that they try to make the world "safe". It's like there's a trend of weenies trying to get rid of "winners and losers", and that is NOTHING like real life.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I agree with the above posts. I don't think it's a matter of needing to split the content vs discontent. I think it's a matter of people needing to be a little more courteous to each other. I think if one is on here long enough you can pretty much figure out who's content and who isn't. It doesn't make one or the other better. Some of us, myself included, say things that are sometimes misunderstood and others take offense to it. You can attribute that to human nature, maturity level or the level of one's Christian walk.

One last point....this is cyberspace for crying out loud. If this is the focus of your life then you might want to consider counseling. I've been alone pretty much all of my life and I find things in 'the real world' to keep me busy.

On the matter of 'mature' vs everyone else. I personally like the idea of it because at my age some people here are young enough to be my kids. I am happy to give advice or offer sarcasm on either side of the fence but sometimes it's nice to communicate with those dealing with similar issues of mine. I can't say the mature forum has been totally effective though because the questions there seem similar to what you find in the regular singles area. People just need to loosen up and have fun with it. I'm here to have fun, occasionally rant, and share ideas. What's so hard about that?

 

[Highland Watchman]

Don't split it. And for the reasons given above, which have all been shared so much better than what I could say. (and plus, you guys beat me to the punch! )

 

[mina]

wow, it's okay to disagree. I think everyone should just realize where other people are and be more compassionate- from both sides. People have to vent sometimes and it's ok to offer a listening ear. People have to learn to get along with each other even on the internet. People have to realize that there are going to be other people just like them and then there's other people not just like them. It's ok.

 

[ravendta]

I do see the divide. The thread I created asking for a bit more courtesy from people had a good number of supporters before it got deleted. I don't think the forums need to be split, I just think people need to realize that not everyone is the same. If someone says they are lonely, there is no need to be jumping to the conclusion that this person doesn't have a healthy relationship with Christ, or that their focus in their life is in the wrong place.

If someone says they're lonely, tell them, "Hang in there, things will get better - God promises that." DON'T tell them, "You need to focus more on God and less on your own feelings because God knows what's better for you." Answers like that make people feel like their own emotions are unimportant.

We don't need to split the forums, we just need people to open their minds.

One last point....this is cyberspace for crying out loud. If this is the focus of your life then you might want to consider counseling.

I just wanted to respond to this comment.

You're making an assumption here that everyone live's are similar to yours in that regard. But you never know where people are in their individual lives. If it weren't for cyberspace, I'd have ZERO friends. I'm not going to get into the details as to why I have no friends outside of the net, and please don't try to lecture me on how I could get friends because believe me, I've tried it all. I just want you to realize that for some people, cyberspace is all the fellowship they can get.

Do I need counseling? Probably.

But that's a different story for a different time.

 

[Allanon]

I think its a fantastic idea. Maybe we could come up with some more categories to split people into. If we're lucky we can turn this forum into a bunch of people talking to themselves. That would be bad because if I'm talking to myself I'm going to be much more insulting and then my feeling will be hurt so I'll have to report myself, then apologize to myself, etc. Its a lot of work.

Some people do tend to overspiritualize things and I could see how that could annoying but don't worry so much. Stuff tends not to bother me, but that's because I know I'm always right. Its very freeing you should try it sometime.

 

[beetlequeendiva]

I agree that there is a divide but I dont think that splitting the forum is a good idea, I like seeing both sides of something, keeps it more interesting.

 

[chanis]

are you kidding me right now!!!
it would be SUPER retarded to split...people need to learn to deal...I think coming and finding everyone's diff views on the various subjects found here is what makes coming to the fourms cool, and of course the occasional debates here and there...yeah totally opposing the split!

 

[HoosierCanuck]

You're making an assumption here that everyone live's are similar to yours in that regard. But you never know where people are in their individual lives. If it weren't for cyberspace, I'd have ZERO friends. I'm not going to get into the details as to why I have no friends outside of the net, and please don't try to lecture me on how I could get friends because believe me, I've tried it all. I just want you to realize that for some people, cyberspace is all the fellowship they can get.

Do I need counseling? Probably.

But that's a different story for a different time.

Sorry about being off topic but I wanted to offer a quick response to this. PM me if you like.

NO. I am NOT assuming everyone's life is like mine. QUITE THE OPPOSITE. If everyone's life was like mine there would be a lot more suicides than there already are. I have NO 'real' friends outside of the net either--just acquaintences who use and abuse me. I really don't feel I have friends here either....people tolerate me. If you read my title it says 'Hermit In Training.' I figure that's how I'm going to end up because people just don't get me or my sense of humour. Sorry you took my post as a cheap shot at people like you. Assumptions are what get people in trouble. As far as I'm concerned I don't get much fellowship in cyberspace either. So what? The world is cold and uncaring. It stinks but what can we do about it?

 

[Eagle_Wings]

Back to topic: I agree that splitting the forum would be useless. yeah, I've seen that there are two different groups, but dividing the groups really wouldn't accomplish anything. I also agree that there just needs to be more courtesy...I'm glad that there are those who are totally content with being single, but just because someone else isn't content doesn't mean that there is something wrong with their spiritual walk or focus. We all have issues that we struggle with, and your issues might not seem like such a big deal to me, but just because I don't struggle with the same issues doesn't mean that your focus is wrong. Just lighten up people. I've learned what topics tend to get me aggravated or offended and I've learned to stay away from them. We can't adjust the world to accomodate us and make everything we encounter favorable, instead we are the ones that have to adjust...why should it be any different here?

 

[BeautyForAshes]

There will always be posts where people are looking for a certain answer and when they don't get it - get miffed and complain. Don't divide the forum because of that. People need to hear differing points of view - if for nothing else, to maybe plant a seed. I know in my own experience I may not have liked what someone post initially, but after some thought, it caused me to see things differently.

I could semi-understand if there was a lot of name calling, back handed comments or things like that going on between the "content" and "not content" - but all this mess is being started over differences of opinions, viewpoints, and how people choose to offer encouragment using the word of God - which is some bull, especially since this IS a christian forum.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but life hurts as well. People just need to understand that differeing veiwpoints doesn't necessarily mean that one side HAS to be wrong. It doesn't matter if everybody gives you a pat on the back or agrees with you because "a majority" doesn't necessarily make anyone right either.

Just take it as being different and move on. Oh yeah - and utilize the PM feature more often.

 

[JeremiahJ]

Some people do tend to overspiritualize things and I could see how that could annoying but don't worry so much. Stuff tends not to bother me, but that's because I know I'm always right. Its very freeing you should try it sometime.

I used to! Then, a couple years back, I made an attempt at this hauntingly terrible, but potentially revolutionary concept call humility. You wanna talk about freeing?

 

[ravendta]

There will always be posts where people are looking for a certain answer and when they don't get it - get miffed and complain. Don't divide the forum because of that. People need to hear differing points of view - if for nothing else, to maybe plant a seed. I know in my own experience I may not have liked what someone post initially, but after some thought, it caused me to see things differently.

I could semi-understand if there was a lot of name calling, back handed comments or things like that going on between the "content" and "not content" - but all this mess is being started over differences of opinions, viewpoints, and how people choose to offer encouragment using the word of God - which is some bull, especially since this IS a christian forum.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but life hurts as well. People just need to understand that differeing veiwpoints doesn't necessarily mean that one side HAS to be wrong. It doesn't matter if everybody gives you a pat on the back or agrees with you because "a majority" doesn't necessarily make anyone right either.

Just take it as being different and move on. Oh yeah - and utilize the PM feature more often.

In the interest of preventing this thread from becoming another debate, I'm going to PM you.

 

[paulewog]

Hmmm, maybe I wasn't clear... I meant to say, or at least very strongly imply, that we DIDN'T want to split the forum, for the reasons that have most often been said here.

Oh, and by the way, I called it an "informal war" as an exaggeration, which is why it was in quotes. I don't think it's that much like a war, but there do, at times, seem to be groups similar to factions.

My opinion is this. Yes, there is a division. There's a division between those that post "miserable" threads that they are lonely, they don't have a girlfriend, or whatever, and those that tell them they need to stop thinking about themselves.

That's a rundown statement of it

Now, I could argue about the miserableness and those that seem to think that simply telling someone "Oh, quit being self-centered" is the way to fix it. But I'm not trying to argue either position right now, hehe...

But do you guys see where each side is coming from? The staff kinda decided we don't want to do ANYTHING official... don't want to split the forum because of this, don't want to force people not to say stuff, etc.

My suggestion is this. Perhaps we could all actually attempt to do what the forum says - SUPPORT each other. If all you can say is "Dude, get over it" ... then don't say it at all, people rather need to hear things said in love, not one-liners.

I honestly don't think this is a problem with the forum structure, but a problem with the way people act online because of the online medium. I doubt, if someone was actually lonely in real life and expressed that loneliness to you... we, as Christians, hopefully would not say "Dude, get over it" and walk away

(now, "dude, get over it" is an oversimplication and just one example and I don't actually recall anyone saying that... I use it as an example )

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Hmmm, maybe I wasn't clear... I meant to say, or at least very strongly imply, that we DIDN'T want to split the forum, for the reasons that have most often been said here.

Oh, and by the way, I called it an "informal war" as an exaggeration, which is why it was in quotes. I don't think it's that much like a war, but there do, at times, seem to be groups similar to factions.

My opinion is this. Yes, there is a division. There's a division between those that post "miserable" threads that they are lonely, they don't have a girlfriend, or whatever, and those that tell them they need to stop thinking about themselves.

That's a rundown statement of it

Now, I could argue about the miserableness and those that seem to think that simply telling someone "Oh, quit being self-centered" is the way to fix it. But I'm not trying to argue either position right now, hehe...

But do you guys see where each side is coming from? The staff kinda decided we don't want to do ANYTHING official... don't want to split the forum because of this, don't want to force people not to say stuff, etc.

My suggestion is this. Perhaps we could all actually attempt to do what the forum says - SUPPORT each other. If all you can say is "Dude, get over it" ... then don't say it at all, people rather need to hear things said in love, not one-liners.

I honestly don't think this is a problem with the forum structure, but a problem with the way people act online because of the online medium. I doubt, if someone was actually lonely in real life and expressed that loneliness to you... we, as Christians, hopefully would not say "Dude, get over it" and walk away

(now, "dude, get over it" is an oversimplication and just one example and I don't actually recall anyone saying that... I use it as an example )

This is why I said you were micro-managing a problem that doesn't really exist.

Just because "love" doesn't come in the manner someone prefers or expects doesn't mean their being attacked. Take away the diversity, lose the entire point of a forum.

But throwing out the "dude get over it" responses means censoring a large portion of the member's who have a very valid stance.

BUT, if I said that in person, they'd get the non-verbal communication and not assume my post is an attack.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Just because "love" doesn't come in the manner someone prefers or expects doesn't mean their being attacked. Take away the diversity, lose the entire point of a forum.

Excellent point.

Maybe not everyone thinks stuff is really being said "in love and concern" but just for jollies or kicks? I dunno....