Help with my 4 year old. . .please?

[JulySheMustFly]

My 4 year old is a strong willed child and continually challenges my authority. She is demanding on attention whether it be good or bad attention and it makes me tired and to be brutally honest her behavior make me not like her a whole lot. I have two other younger children and it is becoming not fair to them that she demands so much attention.

Any help/ideas/books to read would be helpful. I have found out that she needs structure but I can't give her the amount of structure she needs to keep her inline all day lond and about 4 pm everyday behavior just turns into a mess and doesn't let up until after dinner.

I want to see my daughter as a source of joy and pride but right now I am having trouble doing this. Please help.

 

[karla]

Have you tried taking things away from her that she enjoys and then making her earn them back? She's old enough to know what appropriate behavior is. It may be things like tv time, toys, whatever it is that she absollutely loves. It may be harder on you in the beginning than on her. Maybe just putting her in a room by herself with nothing to do for a set amount of time will work. Do the two of you ever have just mommy and me time. I try to take each of the kids out on a "date" once a month so that they get my full attention and we can have fun. Sorry, I don't have any more suggestions, hopefully some else can give some ideas too.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Have you tried taking things away from her that she enjoys and then making her earn them back? She's old enough to know what appropriate behavior is. It may be things like tv time, toys, whatever it is that she absollutely loves. It may be harder on you in the beginning than on her. Maybe just putting her in a room by herself with nothing to do for a set amount of time will work. Do the two of you ever have just mommy and me time. I try to take each of the kids out on a "date" once a month so that they get my full attention and we can have fun. Sorry, I don't have any more suggestions, hopefully some else can give some ideas too.

I make apoint to have a few hours each week with each of my kids. BTW - I love those times out each week. It reminds me how sweet the are. We've done the taking toys away thing but it has always been for a set period of time. I'll have to talk to my hubby about her earning things back. The problem with taking some of her favorite toys away are they are shared favorites with her little sister and I don't see how it is fair to stop them both from playing with a toy if only one of them is misbehaving. I do send her to her room for a "chill out" but she continuously comes down stairs to see if her time is up which just makes me want to flip my lid. So any ideas on how I can get her to stay in her room till the time is up would be great too.

 

[andiesmama]

I stole this idea from one of the nanny shows...:

My daughter LOVES flowers, we were having a hard time with her NOT listening to us as well as staying in her bed for naps & night-time. So, I went out & bought 10 single artifical flowers (liker Gerbera daisies, a few other kinds as well...I found them at Pier One).

She picked out one of my crystal vases, and those are her "reward flowers". When she does something great (like staying in bed, listening to what I say the FIRST time , etc...she gets to put a flower in the vase. When she DOESN'T do something (like not listening, tantrums, continually getting out of bed for no reason), she takes a flower OUT of the vase.

When there are "x" number of flowers in the vase (she knows ahead of time what the goal is), she gets her reward. One time we went to the zoo, one time the children's museum, one time to Toys R Us. You get the idea....

 

[Leanna]

Since I don't have a four year old myself, I just want to tell you that on the other forum I post on there has been a thread recently very similar to this and several people chimed in and said "when my child was 4 I was going to give up but then it got better" so apparently this is a common age to be frustrated with.

I'm glad you asked about books, lol, I am a book fiend. The Mommy Manual by Barbara Curtis is good, does your daughter help you around the house with housework? Here is part of her website on chore-wars: http://www.barbaracurtis.com/wars.html I just want to add she has 12 children so she's had to deal with this age with several younger.

 

[£amb]

Read 'The strong-willed child' by Dr. Dobson. I think that's the title ...anyway...it has some pretty good information in it.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I stole this idea from one of the nanny shows...:

My daughter LOVES flowers, we were having a hard time with her NOT listening to us as well as staying in her bed for naps & night-time. So, I went out & bought 10 single artifical flowers (liker Gerbera daisies, a few other kinds as well...I found them at Pier One).

She picked out one of my crystal vases, and those are her "reward flowers". When she does something great (like staying in bed, listening to what I say the FIRST time , etc...she gets to put a flower in the vase. When she DOESN'T do something (like not listening, tantrums, continually getting out of bed for no reason), she takes a flower OUT of the vase.

When there are "x" number of flowers in the vase (she knows ahead of time what the goal is), she gets her reward. One time we went to the zoo, one time the children's museum, one time to Toys R Us. You get the idea....

I saw that episode too. My husband and I thought it was a great idea but never followed through. I'm thinking I need to make a trip to the craft store tomarrow.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Since I don't have a four year old myself, I just want to tell you that on the other forum I post on there has been a thread recently very similar to this and several people chimed in and said "when my child was 4 I was going to give up but then it got better" so apparently this is a common age to be frustrated with.

I'm glad you asked about books, lol, I am a book fiend. The Mommy Manual by Barbara Curtis is good, does your daughter help you around the house with housework? Here is part of her website on chore-wars: http://www.barbaracurtis.com/wars.html I just want to add she has 12 children so she's had to deal with this age with several younger.

The mom used as an example is even has the same name as me. Thanks, I'm going to look into that one.

Oh, I have read the strong willed child. I have actually lent it to a friend and haven't gotten it back yet. I've also found that it just seems to tell you that hte strong willed child just needs a different appraoch bu then doesn't quite follow through on what approaches should be tried. It made me feel better to know I wasn't alone but didn't really help the situation.

 

[karla]

I make apoint to have a few hours each week with each of my kids. BTW - I love those times out each week. It reminds me how sweet the are. We've done the taking toys away thing but it has always been for a set period of time. I'll have to talk to my hubby about her earning things back. The problem with taking some of her favorite toys away are they are shared favorites with her little sister and I don't see how it is fair to stop them both from playing with a toy if only one of them is misbehaving. I do send her to her room for a "chill out" but she continuously comes down stairs to see if her time is up which just makes me want to flip my lid. So any ideas on how I can get her to stay in her room till the time is up would be great too.

I know, I love the time with each of my kids too. It's great to be able to really spend time with them having fun. As far as her coming out of her room to see if time is up, maybe try using a timer so, that when it dings then she knows time is up. I would suggest putting it up high in her room or whereever you send her for time out so that she isn't plaing with it and giving herself more time or less time.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I know, I love the time with each of my kids too. It's great to be able to really spend time with them having fun. As far as her coming out of her room to see if time is up, maybe try using a timer so, that when it dings then she knows time is up. I would suggest putting it up high in her room or whereever you send her for time out so that she isn't plaing with it and giving herself more time or less time.

We used to use the timer and she was constantly making it ding and she would come down and tell me her time was all done.

I talked to my husband and we put a clock up in her room. We are going to try telling her she can come down when the long hand gets to the # that would give her the needed time. She liked this idea alot. I think it made her feel like she had control.

 

[GolfingMom]

My 4 year old is a strong willed child and continually challenges my authority. She is demanding on attention whether it be good or bad attention and it makes me tired and to be brutally honest her behavior make me not like her a whole lot. I have two other younger children and it is becoming not fair to them that she demands so much attention.

Any help/ideas/books to read would be helpful. I have found out that she needs structure but I can't give her the amount of structure she needs to keep her inline all day lond and about 4 pm everyday behavior just turns into a mess and doesn't let up until after dinner.

I want to see my daughter as a source of joy and pride but right now I am having trouble doing this. Please help.

I do something similar to the "flowers" idea. I started using a "stage 1" gerber jar (empty) and when my son listened or did something extraordinary he would receive a marble. But I would have him take out marbles when he didn't listen. When the jar was full, he'd get a prize. He is 4 now and is up to a Large, tall cup (takes A LOT longer to fill)...This works great for potty training too.
I've also heard that Creative Correction: Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline by Lisa Whelchel
is a wonderful resource. I haven't read it but my friend recommended it to me.

 

[JoannaJoy]

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