- Apr 2, 2012
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I am 42 and about to gain three teenage stepchildren next month. I am getting remarried and they hate me. Advice? Prayers?
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help ladies and gentlemen.
- Thread starter pinkfuzzies
- Start date
I believe that it is important that you and your new husband sit down and establish what the rules are and what the consequencs are for breaking those rules. Then both of you together need to explain it to your teens. Obviously they can not be expected to follow rules if they don't know what they are. Also it is good to reward good behavior in the same why that our father in heaven wants to reward us. I'm sure you could find some really good books on raising teens. And don't worry,most parents don't get to be their kids friend anyway.
I have a funny story about my friends 15 yr old (bri).
She had confiscated Bri's cell phone and Bri decided to protest by refusing to do her chores, eat dinner, or move from her sitting position in the middle of the kitchen floor.
Bri ended up falling asleep covered with a newspaper. The family dog saw the paper and did his business. lol
I have a funny story about my friends 15 yr old (bri).
She had confiscated Bri's cell phone and Bri decided to protest by refusing to do her chores, eat dinner, or move from her sitting position in the middle of the kitchen floor.
Bri ended up falling asleep covered with a newspaper. The family dog saw the paper and did his business. lol
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makeitwork
Newbie
set boundaries, let them know in no way shape or form you are replacing their mother, and even though you didn't give birth to them you are the adult and they need to respect you.
i will be praying for you and your new family.
i will be praying for you and your new family.
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Bridgit
Guest
Is it wise to get married next month if the kids hates you? Maybe they need more time to get to know you before you move in? Maybe they should go to christian counseling each on their own (so that they cannot influence each other and so that the reason for their hating you can be revealed and taken care of), then in group and finally together with you and their father.
Once you get married, to add to the great advice given before, keep close to God, read your Bible and pray alone and with your husband daily. Keep on going to church (bring your husband) and make friends (women or couples) there who can pray for and with you regarding your situation. Set a good example for your step kids. Return good for evil at all times. You are not alone in this situation, God is with you, lean on Him. It is imperative that you schedule regular romantic outings with your husband, with no kids around (movies, restaurant, one weekend a month, ....).
Talk with your husband-to-be before you get married to clarify and agree about how any disobedience and rude behavior from the kids will be handled.
Once you get married, to add to the great advice given before, keep close to God, read your Bible and pray alone and with your husband daily. Keep on going to church (bring your husband) and make friends (women or couples) there who can pray for and with you regarding your situation. Set a good example for your step kids. Return good for evil at all times. You are not alone in this situation, God is with you, lean on Him. It is imperative that you schedule regular romantic outings with your husband, with no kids around (movies, restaurant, one weekend a month, ....).
Talk with your husband-to-be before you get married to clarify and agree about how any disobedience and rude behavior from the kids will be handled.
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Children should never be allowed to manipulate you. It is his choice too to be married to you,and you do him no favor by letting his kids have that much control over him. When they get a job and their own place then they can make their own rules. There is no perfect kids. Take Adam and Eve for example. The perfect father, the perfect environment, and they are already grown adults and they still rebelled. God doesn't blame himself and you shouldn't either. Be an example of Gods loves to them and don't give up your hope.
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- Apr 2, 2012
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I have to agree with HwyAngel on this one. Yes, I am marrying him next month because it is not wise to allow children to make decisions for adults. This is a part of society that I highly disagree with. Adults are adults because they have more wisdom. If children were allowed to make decisions such as this for their parents, then that would be a huge mistake. The marriage is not in question- it is going to happen. The only thing I wonder about advice on is things I can do to try to get through to them.
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Just keep them busy, it always worked for me. Hobby lobby shops sometimes have free arts and craft classes, after school jobs, music and dance, sports, and my all time favorite chores. lol. Possibly I can come over and borrow them? lol
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As a person who became a stepchild as a teen, make sure you are on the same page as your husband. A smart teen can ruin any relationship if you don't form a united front. Don't ever be the heavy...at least early in this relationship...let your husband do all the punishing and rule setting.
I will be praying for you. I liked my stepdad...but trust me, I knew my mother's weaknesses enough that I could have made their life miserable if so motivated. In the end, my younger step-sister caused the relationship to fall apart...not because she meant to, but because she was a normal teenager trying to get what she wanted. My step-dad would placate my sister to the point of alienating my mom.
I will be praying for you. I liked my stepdad...but trust me, I knew my mother's weaknesses enough that I could have made their life miserable if so motivated. In the end, my younger step-sister caused the relationship to fall apart...not because she meant to, but because she was a normal teenager trying to get what she wanted. My step-dad would placate my sister to the point of alienating my mom.
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Bridgit
Guest
For the whole of this week, one of the christian radio in our area spoke about the marriage of two families and the common problems of a stepfamily. It was so good. I immediately thought about you.
It was from the ministry of Family Life today. You should check their web site, click on Audio and listen to their broadcasts about the stepfamily. They talked about it from April 23 through April 27.
The guest speaker was Ron L. Deal who has written several books on the subject of stepfamilies.
God is amazing. There are no coincidences with Him. He wants to bless you, your marriage and your new family. Praise God!
It was from the ministry of Family Life today. You should check their web site, click on Audio and listen to their broadcasts about the stepfamily. They talked about it from April 23 through April 27.
The guest speaker was Ron L. Deal who has written several books on the subject of stepfamilies.
God is amazing. There are no coincidences with Him. He wants to bless you, your marriage and your new family. Praise God!
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Yep I also recommend Ron L Deal - seems to be the only decent Christian step family resource in US or UK. I've have his books the smart step family and the smart step mom, the latter of which has 2 chapters for your husband to read, take action, support the wife and prevent sabotage of the new marriage. You can find R Deal on Ytube vids too.
I'm also engaged to a single parent dad with a residential 12 yo daughter and trust me, there's no way I'm taking a step towards a wedding without us getting mentoring / counselling from a Christian couple (which my fiance is coming round to - actually we found an older couple who are counsellors AND a step family) and reading resources like R Deal's. And I have a quite a healthy rel'ship with his daughter and her mum but know challenges will come.
You feel your step children 'hate' you - v strong choice of sentiment, by the way. Are you sure their behaviour isn't more a symptom of their deeper needs? A new marriage and family life is a huge deal for them (my fiance and I were young step children too and were in our 30s before we truly accepted our respective step dads). Enjoy giving them the space they need from you and time they need with dad. This shouldn't conflict with you and your husband setting the home ground rules (with him leading and you backing him), but let the kids set the pace of your interaction and intimacy with them. Teenagers will blow hot and cold - you'll need a thick skin and they need to see stability in your r'ship with their dad.
Finally pray, pray, pray. For yourself, him and them. Use prayer partners too. I've just started with Power of a Praying Wife - only had it a couple days and God has already answered prayers.
God bless
C
I'm also engaged to a single parent dad with a residential 12 yo daughter and trust me, there's no way I'm taking a step towards a wedding without us getting mentoring / counselling from a Christian couple (which my fiance is coming round to - actually we found an older couple who are counsellors AND a step family) and reading resources like R Deal's. And I have a quite a healthy rel'ship with his daughter and her mum but know challenges will come.
You feel your step children 'hate' you - v strong choice of sentiment, by the way. Are you sure their behaviour isn't more a symptom of their deeper needs? A new marriage and family life is a huge deal for them (my fiance and I were young step children too and were in our 30s before we truly accepted our respective step dads). Enjoy giving them the space they need from you and time they need with dad. This shouldn't conflict with you and your husband setting the home ground rules (with him leading and you backing him), but let the kids set the pace of your interaction and intimacy with them. Teenagers will blow hot and cold - you'll need a thick skin and they need to see stability in your r'ship with their dad.
Finally pray, pray, pray. For yourself, him and them. Use prayer partners too. I've just started with Power of a Praying Wife - only had it a couple days and God has already answered prayers.
God bless
C
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Cadaver Puncher
Newbie
You'll get thru it. Just be prepared for a few headaches along the way.
I know I gave my mom plenty. Especially with the calls at work saying "hello your son just walked into our er bleeding or with broken bones " I swear I must've given my mom a billion heart attacks.
I knew my mom was really sick so after major neck surgery ( broken neck in 3 places I thought was just a pulled muscle) it was like a week after surgery her cancer put her in a wheelchair then bed. I took my hard collar off and was moving her around.
So basically if you train them up right, they'll always be there for you.
You'll do fine.
I know I gave my mom plenty. Especially with the calls at work saying "hello your son just walked into our er bleeding or with broken bones " I swear I must've given my mom a billion heart attacks.
I knew my mom was really sick so after major neck surgery ( broken neck in 3 places I thought was just a pulled muscle) it was like a week after surgery her cancer put her in a wheelchair then bed. I took my hard collar off and was moving her around.
So basically if you train them up right, they'll always be there for you.
You'll do fine.
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justD
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- Jun 20, 2009
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Sounds to me like you're going to be just fine
I'm not allowed to post links yet, but I wish you could read my blog. I got married in December and took on 8 step children. While it's gone well with most of them, me and the 16yo daughter had a few issues and we're still working through it. Yes, I made the mistake of laying down and trying to enforce too many rules without having an underlying relationship first. Doesn't work and I think more so with a teenage daughter who's full of emotions and "stuff". But time heals (together with lots of prayer) and we're starting to do better now, just don't rush it.
All the best, I'll be praying for you.
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