Help I’m really worried I blasphemed the holy spirit

[Nigel]

Hi so my story is a little long but I grew up in a Christian family loving god and Jesus. I was homeschooled and went to church every Sunday. Had a lot of good church friends and had bible studies.

At 16 I started falling deeper in love with God and really understood what it all really meant for the first time. The Holy Spirit was on me and opening up scriptures to me. I would read the Bible for an hour or so a day because I loved it and I talked to God 24/7. This lasted for about 6-8 months.
I had always struggled with inappropriate contentography and was open about it with my close friends and we kept each other accountable. It was a group of 3 and we would share our struggles and try to help encourage each other.
After my 6-8 period of falling in love with God I was tempted with sin outside of inappropriate contentography. It stated with messaging a girl online and talking sexually. It might not seem like a huge deal but I felt so ashamed and eventually that led to the girl and I meeting up and my touching her inappropriately. Sorry for the detail. That ended up turning into more and more and I spiraled down.

I would meet up with girls online from dating apps and sometimes make out but sometimes be sexual. A lie I heard was that as long as I didn’t have sex I was ok. I was addicted to anything sexual and still struggled with inappropriate content. I would be messaging girls all day and convince them to send me pictures nude. This lasted for a long time and I got very very depressed and only felt good when I did these things.

This whole time I was still in the church but I wasn’t completely open about my struggles. My close friends knew I was depressed but I wasn’t sharing how much I was struggling cause I was so ashamed. Often I would repent after anything and felt so lost but there were periods where I wouldn’t resist and just give in so easily. I felt warning from the Holy Spirit saying there are consequences for these actions and I took that as, the father I go the harder it will be to get back.

I got so depressed I didn’t know how to believe in God anymore and felt like I was going insane. I was pretty open with my dad about my depression and how I felt so hopeless but I never told him about all my sin. Eventually I told him everything and completely opened up.

My huge problem was that I couldn’t sense God and so I didn’t know if he existed. I thought about it so much and it would make me even more depressed and after months and months I decided to just make myself not worry because I knew my mind and body were degrading and that wasn’t going to help anything.

Eventually I started feeling better and coming back to my senses. A friend showed me Ravi Zacharias videos and I got obsessed and watched them all the time. My faith in God was restored and I believed again. I still struggled with the same sins as before though, not as often but still did. Sometimes resisting and sometimes just giving in. I was kind of in this state for 2 years.

I met a girl through her cousin who I worked with. Her cousin told me she was a Christian and so I perused her. Before we started dating I told her I wanted our relationship to be based on God. We started dating and almost immediately it was very physical. I was the one that pushed it. Almost every time we hung out we were sexual without having intercourse. Eventually we started having sex and I felt terrible about it and knew it wasn’t right so I broke off the relationship.
We would continue trying again and breaking up 5 times over 2 years. I wanted to peruse God yet was struggling with self control big time in the relationship. She grew up in the church but never really peruses God at all. We broke up earlier this year and by this time I’m 23. 8 months later I’m 24 and never really felt as close to God as I did when I was 16. I still believed in him and loved him but wasn’t spending much time Pershing him.
I started reading scriptures in Hebrews and have become terrified that I resisted the Holy Spirit too much to the point where he left. When Jesus talks about blasphemy of the Holy Spirit in mark, you think it’s when the Pharisees say he casts out demons with the power of satan, when they knew it was The power of the Holy Spirit. But I’ve done a TON of reading and people say it’s when you push out the Holy Spirit and ignore him enough to where he stops prompting you.
I’m so scared I’m going to hell and I’ve had anxiety the past two weeks. I haven’t struggled much at all with anything sexual other than a makeout with hands involved since my breakup but it just felt wrong so we stopped. I’ve met with my pastor and multiple people explaining how I’ve felt.

My sisters are amazing people who love god and I’ve talked with them and my parents about everything. I met with two of my old youth pastors and told them everything as well. Everyone assured me that I didn’t blaspheme the Holy Spirit and the fact that I’m so worried shows I didn’t but that doesn’t comfort me much. I’m still worried I have.

They all say that to blaspheme the Holy Spirit it has to be a complete rejection of Jesus in your heart and I don’t think I’ve ever intentionally rejected him but maybe in ignoring the Holy Spirit so much, I did. I didn’t feel God at all so that scared me. I assumed I was doomed and that it was all my fault. Never thought God did anything wrong cause all he did was love me and when I was slipping up, warn me.

Yesterday I felt doomed and so much anxiety and then I took a shower and turned on worship music, not expecting to feel anything. I started worshiping and eventually really felt moved. Immediately I remembered the story of when peter goes to meet Jesus on the water and sees the waves and starts sinking and thinks he’s doomed and he calls on Jesus and he immediately pulls him out. I started worshiping even more just praising God. I went downstairs and read that story 3 times. All my anxiety was gone and the heavy pain in my chest was gone. I felt the heaviness completely gone. I began to worship and thank Jesus over and over and over.

I called my sisters and told them what happened and they were so happy cause they had been praying for me. I asked them to continue to pray for me that I would have increased faith because I know the devil would try to steal what just happened. I was fasting that day and continued and listened to worship music in the car. A few hours later the anxiety was back and slowly doubted everything that happened and felt doomed again.

I went to a young adults group and got prayer from the whole group and kind of explained I felt like I was hopeless and pushed the Holy Spirit away too many times. They all prayed and encouraged me but I still felt hopeless. I talked to my oldest sister for an hour in my car just saying I didn’t want to be separated from her for eternity and that I loved her so much. We talked a lot and it got my mind off of things. I went home and was really tired so I fell asleep. Today I woke up feeling hopeless again and like I’m going to hell. And it leaves me with a lot of anxiety and I don’t even know what to do with my life. I’m not eating much cause I lose my appetite. I know this is VERY VERY long. But please can anyone give me advice? Thank you.

 

[Dave-W]

Welcome Nigel.

IMO if you are concerned that you committed that sin, you have not committed it. The very fact of your concern means the Holy Spirit is still pulling you toward God.

 

[Sabertooth]

TLDR; (please use paragraphs).

If you are worried about your standing with God, you did not blaspheme the Holy Spirit.

Conversely, if you have truly blasphemed the Holy Spirit, you would no longer care about your standing with God.

That being settled, have you heard about the Four Spiritual Laws?

If you have, the only thing left to do is to repent of whatever sin that is presently condemning you, per 1 John 1:9.

And if you are OCD, stay on your medicine.

 

[rockytopva]

Hi so my story is a little long but I grew up in a Christian family loving god and Jesus. I was homeschooled and went to church every Sunday. Had a lot of good church friends and had bible studies.

At 16 I started falling deeper in love with God and really understood what it all really meant for the first time. The Holy Spirit was on me and opening up scriptures to me. I would read the Bible for an hour or so a day because I loved it and I talked to God 24/7. This lasted for about 6-8 months.
I had always struggled with inappropriate contentography and was open about it with my close friends and we kept each other accountable. It was a group of 3 and we would share our struggles and try to help encourage each other.
After my 6-8 period of falling in love with God I was tempted with sin outside of inappropriate contentography. It stated with messaging a girl online and talking sexually. It might not seem like a huge deal but I felt so ashamed and eventually that led to the girl and I meeting up and my touching her inappropriately. Sorry for the detail. That ended up turning into more and more and I spiraled down.

I would meet up with girls online from dating apps and sometimes make out but sometimes be sexual. A lie I heard was that as long as I didn’t have sex I was ok. I was addicted to anything sexual and still struggled with inappropriate content. I would be messaging girls all day and convince them to send me pictures nude. This lasted for a long time and I got very very depressed and only felt good when I did these things.

This whole time I was still in the church but I wasn’t completely open about my struggles. My close friends knew I was depressed but I wasn’t sharing how much I was struggling cause I was so ashamed. Often I would repent after anything and felt so lost but there were periods where I wouldn’t resist and just give in so easily. I felt warning from the Holy Spirit saying there are consequences for these actions and I took that as, the father I go the harder it will be to get back.

I got so depressed I didn’t know how to believe in God anymore and felt like I was going insane. I was pretty open with my dad about my depression and how I felt so hopeless but I never told him about all my sin. Eventually I told him everything and completely opened up.

My huge problem was that I couldn’t sense God and so I didn’t know if he existed. I thought about it so much and it would make me even more depressed and after months and months I decided to just make myself not worry because I knew my mind and body were degrading and that wasn’t going to help anything.

Eventually I started feeling better and coming back to my senses. A friend showed me Ravi Zacharias videos and I got obsessed and watched them all the time. My faith in God was restored and I believed again. I still struggled with the same sins as before though, not as often but still did. Sometimes resisting and sometimes just giving in. I was kind of in this state for 2 years.

I met a girl through her cousin who I worked with. Her cousin told me she was a Christian and so I perused her. Before we started dating I told her I wanted our relationship to be based on God. We started dating and almost immediately it was very physical. I was the one that pushed it. Almost every time we hung out we were sexual without having intercourse. Eventually we started having sex and I felt terrible about it and knew it wasn’t right so I broke off the relationship.
We would continue trying again and breaking up 5 times over 2 years. I wanted to peruse God yet was struggling with self control big time in the relationship. She grew up in the church but never really peruses God at all. We broke up earlier this year and by this time I’m 23. 8 months later I’m 24 and never really felt as close to God as I did when I was 16. I still believed in him and loved him but wasn’t spending much time Pershing him.
I started reading scriptures in Hebrews and have become terrified that I resisted the Holy Spirit too much to the point where he left. When Jesus talks about blasphemy of the Holy Spirit in mark, you think it’s when the Pharisees say he casts out demons with the power of satan, when they knew it was The power of the Holy Spirit. But I’ve done a TON of reading and people say it’s when you push out the Holy Spirit and ignore him enough to where he stops prompting you.
I’m so scared I’m going to hell and I’ve had anxiety the past two weeks. I haven’t struggled much at all with anything sexual other than a makeout with hands involved since my breakup but it just felt wrong so we stopped. I’ve met with my pastor and multiple people explaining how I’ve felt.

My sisters are amazing people who love god and I’ve talked with them and my parents about everything. I met with two of my old youth pastors and told them everything as well. Everyone assured me that I didn’t blaspheme the Holy Spirit and the fact that I’m so worried shows I didn’t but that doesn’t comfort me much. I’m still worried I have.

They all say that to blaspheme the Holy Spirit it has to be a complete rejection of Jesus in your heart and I don’t think I’ve ever intentionally rejected him but maybe in ignoring the Holy Spirit so much, I did. I didn’t feel God at all so that scared me. I assumed I was doomed and that it was all my fault. Never thought God did anything wrong cause all he did was love me and when I was slipping up, warn me.

Yesterday I felt doomed and so much anxiety and then I took a shower and turned on worship music, not expecting to feel anything. I started worshiping and eventually really felt moved. Immediately I remembered the story of when peter goes to meet Jesus on the water and sees the waves and starts sinking and thinks he’s doomed and he calls on Jesus and he immediately pulls him out. I started worshiping even more just praising God. I went downstairs and read that story 3 times. All my anxiety was gone and the heavy pain in my chest was gone. I felt the heaviness completely gone. I began to worship and thank Jesus over and over and over.

I called my sisters and told them what happened and they were so happy cause they had been praying for me. I asked them to continue to pray for me that I would have increased faith because I know the devil would try to steal what just happened. I was fasting that day and continued and listened to worship music in the car. A few hours later the anxiety was back and slowly doubted everything that happened and felt doomed again.

I went to a young adults group and got prayer from the whole group and kind of explained I felt like I was hopeless and pushed the Holy Spirit away too many times. They all prayed and encouraged me but I still felt hopeless. I talked to my oldest sister for an hour in my car just saying I didn’t want to be separated from her for eternity and that I loved her so much. We talked a lot and it got my mind off of things. I went home and was really tired so I fell asleep. Today I woke up feeling hopeless again and like I’m going to hell. And it leaves me with a lot of anxiety and I don’t even know what to do with my life. I’m not eating much cause I lose my appetite. I know this is VERY VERY long. But please can anyone give me advice? Thank you.

If you sinned against the Holy Spirit, like the Pharisees, you wouldn’t be worried about it.

 

[WESTOZZIE]

dear brother, the only thing that will bring you out onto solid ground is BELIEVING. You can say sorry and repent all day everyday, but it is through belief in what God HAS done in you through the Cross that gives you the victory. Worship is great too, keep doing it. Put on the garment of praise so the spirit of heaviness leaves.
But yeah, your sword is your tongue...confess your righteousness before God. You are holy and righteous and clean and pure before the Father through Jesus Christ in you.
Repenting and feeling His presence is good.....but that only brings you back to a level playing field....like neutral in a car.
Put your tongue into drive/gear. How? Confess your faith in the finished work of Jesus on the cross.
Like...
Lord you HAVE forgiven me all trespasses according to Col 2:13
Lord you have made me righteous through faith in your Son.
I am a new creature in Christ right now not because I feel like I am....I just am!
I reckon myself dead to sin but alive to God...
I died on the cross with Jesus ...died to sin and its power
I am alive in Christ and He is alive in me

etc...speak what God says about you...and kick the accuser out.

 

[sunshine100]

Hello and welcome

 

[Southernscotty]

Hello dear friend, The old devil is accusing you and stealing your peace.
Please cut out the inappropriate content at all cost because it will ruin your life by opening doorways that allow in more and more evil.
You are saved by the Blood of Jesus Christ and that my friend is a powerful cleaning agent
Like the disciples when Jesus told them that they were clean and only needed to wash their feet, So are we and only need to repent when we fail. So repent and go forth knowing that you are clean.
When satan brings up the past, Remind him of his future..

 

[eleos1954]

Welcome Nigel.

IMO if you are concerned that you committed that sin, you have not committed it. The very fact of your concern means the Holy Spirit is still pulling you toward God.

1 John 1:9

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Numbers 14:18

“The Lord is slow to anger and filled with unfailing love, forgiving every kind of sin and rebellion.”

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

The Holy Spirit convicts us of our sin or when we are heading in the wrong direction (you have not committed blasphemy). When the Holy Spirit convicts us, we might feel slightly grieved or disappointed. Certainly pay attention to it, repent with a sincere heart and you are forgiven.

What is going on is the evil one messing with you.

Condemnation from the enemy, it is different. He wants us to stew on what we did wrong and let it build up inside us. He is hoping we will take on the emotions of guilt, regret, blame and shame. He wants these emotions to plant a seed inside us; telling us that we are no good, that we will do it again and nobody (including God) is going to forgive us for our mistakes. He wants to make it hard for us to accept the forgiveness that Christ offers.

The "father of lies" will plant lies in our mind. The key to victory is to remember they are just lies. Don't take the lies in; rebuke them in the name of Jesus and refuse to think anything else then what the Word of God says (quick to forgive). Every time condemnation thoughts come to mind ... just say ... get behind me Satan in the name of Jesus, I have been forgiven. Every time.

Once you give it to God with a sincere heart ... you have been forgiven ... don't take it back. Rest in Him and His unfailing love and forgiveness. Go forward ... continue walking with Him knowing you have been forgiven.

May the Lord fill your thoughts of His unfailing grace and love. Amen.

God Bless.

 

[NBB]

Don't give up, and seek God with all your strenght, i don't think he threw you away because he is very very patient with us.
But we need to take our sins seriously, and try to leave them behind, with the help of God. And if you fall don't give up, ask for fogiveness, and keep praying so God helps you overcome them.

 

[Samaritan Woman]

Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is largely misunderstood – especially by young believers. Hebrews 6:4-6 in conjunction with Matthew 12:31-32 and Mark 3:28-30 tends to freak out those struggling with sin and faith. Like all passages in scripture, these need to be read in literary context.

To begin with the passage in Hebrews 6, one must consider not only verses 1-2 but also the entire book. This letter was written to Jewish Christians familiar with the sacrificial and legal system of the Old Covenant, and who were being tempted to return to state sanctioned Judaism in order to avoid persecution and the rejection of their Jewish family members. In other words, the author of Hebrews was attempting to remind them of reasons for continued fellowship with God and the consequences for returning to Judaism and its ramifications on their relationship with Jesus Christ. Verses 4-6 do not teach loss of salvation through disbelief or apostasy but rather the negative consequence of hardness of heart. Salvation transcends a decision that one can make and then later forsake; God is involved as well! If there is something one can do to lose his salvation, then that means there was some work he did to earn it.

Regarding Jesus' words about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, one must again consider His audience as He was speaking directly to the Pharisees and scribes who in many ways represented the Jews' unbelief as whole. They were attributing Jesus' miracles to Satan and not to Yahweh and thus demonstrating the ultimate hardening of heart and unwillingness to repent. Jesus performed both regular and Messianic miracles, and given His fulfillment of OT prophecies, these Pharisees and scribes had no excuse for rejecting Him. In a way, the rejection of Jesus was a national sin and their judgment came in 70 AD with the destruction of the temple; in other words Jesus was condemning “this generation” as He often spoke of His people.

Regardless of the sin a person commits, all sin is forgivable if someone accepts Jesus as the Messiah on their own behalf. Two great examples are Saul, a murdering Pharisee, who later became the apostle Paul, and Peter who rejected Jesus three times.

 

[Taz Blue]

Hello Nigel,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I found it very moving and it must have taken great courage to write it. I particularly found it interesting because much of what you say reflects my own situation though not in quite the same way.

Unfortunately, in my case, although I neither tried nor desired to form any personal or physical contact with anyone as a result of my activities, I did end up paying a very heavy price in that, both my friends and relatives feel that I have greatly betrayed the faith and trust that they once had in me. Consequently, they have disassociated themselves from me and I even felt that God had deserted me. On many occasions l would cry myself to sleep constantly repeating the words, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?".

It is two years now since these events happened to me and, although I am still in torment over these events, there is one thing of which I am sure. God has NOT deserted me. He is still with me, helping and guiding me – just as He is helping and guiding you - even if we don't always realise it.

Have you ever heard the story of the “Footprints in the sand”? It tells the story of a man who is coming towards the end of his days on earth. One night he has a vision where he is walking along a beech talking to Jesus. As they come towards the end of the beech, they man looks back and notices that their footprints accurately chart the route that his life has taken.
To his dismay, the man realises that at certain points along the journey, there are only one set of prints instead of the two sets he expected to see. So he said to Jesus, “Lord, you promised that you would always be with me and would never leave me. Yet I notice that at all the times when I was in darkness and needed you most, there are only one set of footprints. Why did you desert me when I needed you most?”
Jesus looked at the man and smiled as he said, “My child, it is true that at the darkest points of your life, there are only one set of footprints but it is not because I deserted you, for they are the times when I carried you.”

From what you write Nigel, it seems as though you may be in one of those dark moments but, I feel sure about two things, you have NOT blasphemed against the Spirit and, you are NOT going to hell. Resist the temptations of Satan and remember that God's love is both eternal and unconditional.
Dominus vobiscum.

 

[Taz Blue]

.

 

[mafugma]

I think everyone said it very well but I would like to add, don't base your relationship with God on how you feel. Emotions are deceptive. Trust that the Lord loves you and is faithful to keep you. Know it, don't feel it. Truth is knowledge, not emotion. That being said, there is nothing wrong with having emotional experiences, just don't base your faith/salvation on them.

If you've accepted Christ Jesus as your savior He is faithful to complete the work that He started in you. That beautiful, loving man (God) went to the cross and then rocked Hell to take back the keys, for you, an enemy and imperfect man. After that do you really think He'd just give up on you cause you made some mistakes? Keep struggling towards Him. He will give you rest. Believe me brother, life in this place ain't endless. One day you'll get to go home and all the struggles will be done. Hang in there.

 

[mafugma]

Hello Nigel,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I found it very moving and it must have taken great courage to write it. I particularly found it interesting because much of what you say reflects my own situation though not in quite the same way.

Unfortunately, in my case, although I neither tried nor desired to form any personal or physical contact with anyone as a result of my activities, I did end up paying a very heavy price in that, both my friends and relatives feel that I have greatly betrayed the faith and trust that they once had in me. Consequently, they have disassociated themselves from me and I even felt that God had deserted me. On many occasions l would cry myself to sleep constantly repeating the words, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?".

It is two years now since these events happened to me and, although I am still in torment over these events, there is one thing of which I am sure. God has NOT deserted me. He is still with me, helping and guiding me – just as He is helping and guiding you - even if we don't always realise it.

Have you ever heard the story of the “Footprints in the sand”? It tells the story of a man who is coming towards the end of his days on earth. One night he has a vision where he is walking along a beech talking to Jesus. As they come towards the end of the beech, they man looks back and notices that their footprints accurately chart the route that his life has taken.
To his dismay, the man realises that at certain points along the journey, there are only one set of prints instead of the two sets he expected to see. So he said to Jesus, “Lord, you promised that you would always be with me and would never leave me. Yet I notice that at all the times when I was in darkness and needed you most, there are only one set of footprints. Why did you desert me when I needed you most?”
Jesus looked at the man and smiled as he said, “My child, it is true that at the darkest points of your life, there are only one set of footprints but it is not because I deserted you, for they are the times when I carried you.”

From what you write Nigel, it seems as though you may be in one of those dark moments but, I feel sure about two things, you have NOT blasphemed against the Spirit and, you are NOT going to hell. Resist the temptations of Satan and remember that God's love is both eternal and unconditional.
Dominus vobiscum.

You're not alone brother. Many of us are scarred from mistakes we've made in the past. I'll give you advice I feel you may need, and that I need to heed myself. Find a new place of fellowship. Your brothers and sisters in Christ are your true family. You need to be in a place where you can be built up again, and where they don't shoot their injured. God bless you with His peace and a place where you can find rest.

 

[Taz Blue]

@mafugma Thank you for those kind words. They are very much appreciated.
God be with you.

 

[here2helpyou]

Hey Brother! I share a lot of your struggles. Past and present. I want to encourage you to read, study and rest in the Grace of God! Here is a message from one of my favorite pastors about Grace: Grace and Peace, Galatians 1:3-5 - Pastor Chuck Smith - Topical Bible Study
Also, something that has always helped me in times of heartache towards my actions is remembering people like Peter who denied Christ. Not once but 3 times!! Christ restored him, not because he deserved it but because of God's Grace!! Love you brother.

 

[Reganne]

Hi so my story is a little long but I grew up in a Christian family loving god and Jesus. I was homeschooled and went to church every Sunday. Had a lot of good church friends and had bible studies.

At 16 I started falling deeper in love with God and really understood what it all really meant for the first time. The Holy Spirit was on me and opening up scriptures to me. I would read the Bible for an hour or so a day because I loved it and I talked to God 24/7. This lasted for about 6-8 months.
I had always struggled with inappropriate contentography and was open about it with my close friends and we kept each other accountable. It was a group of 3 and we would share our struggles and try to help encourage each other.
After my 6-8 period of falling in love with God I was tempted with sin outside of inappropriate contentography. It stated with messaging a girl online and talking sexually. It might not seem like a huge deal but I felt so ashamed and eventually that led to the girl and I meeting up and my touching her inappropriately. Sorry for the detail. That ended up turning into more and more and I spiraled down.

I would meet up with girls online from dating apps and sometimes make out but sometimes be sexual. A lie I heard was that as long as I didn’t have sex I was ok. I was addicted to anything sexual and still struggled with inappropriate content. I would be messaging girls all day and convince them to send me pictures nude. This lasted for a long time and I got very very depressed and only felt good when I did these things.

This whole time I was still in the church but I wasn’t completely open about my struggles. My close friends knew I was depressed but I wasn’t sharing how much I was struggling cause I was so ashamed. Often I would repent after anything and felt so lost but there were periods where I wouldn’t resist and just give in so easily. I felt warning from the Holy Spirit saying there are consequences for these actions and I took that as, the father I go the harder it will be to get back.

I got so depressed I didn’t know how to believe in God anymore and felt like I was going insane. I was pretty open with my dad about my depression and how I felt so hopeless but I never told him about all my sin. Eventually I told him everything and completely opened up.

My huge problem was that I couldn’t sense God and so I didn’t know if he existed. I thought about it so much and it would make me even more depressed and after months and months I decided to just make myself not worry because I knew my mind and body were degrading and that wasn’t going to help anything.

Eventually I started feeling better and coming back to my senses. A friend showed me Ravi Zacharias videos and I got obsessed and watched them all the time. My faith in God was restored and I believed again. I still struggled with the same sins as before though, not as often but still did. Sometimes resisting and sometimes just giving in. I was kind of in this state for 2 years.

I met a girl through her cousin who I worked with. Her cousin told me she was a Christian and so I perused her. Before we started dating I told her I wanted our relationship to be based on God. We started dating and almost immediately it was very physical. I was the one that pushed it. Almost every time we hung out we were sexual without having intercourse. Eventually we started having sex and I felt terrible about it and knew it wasn’t right so I broke off the relationship.
We would continue trying again and breaking up 5 times over 2 years. I wanted to peruse God yet was struggling with self control big time in the relationship. She grew up in the church but never really peruses God at all. We broke up earlier this year and by this time I’m 23. 8 months later I’m 24 and never really felt as close to God as I did when I was 16. I still believed in him and loved him but wasn’t spending much time Pershing him.
I started reading scriptures in Hebrews and have become terrified that I resisted the Holy Spirit too much to the point where he left. When Jesus talks about blasphemy of the Holy Spirit in mark, you think it’s when the Pharisees say he casts out demons with the power of satan, when they knew it was The power of the Holy Spirit. But I’ve done a TON of reading and people say it’s when you push out the Holy Spirit and ignore him enough to where he stops prompting you.
I’m so scared I’m going to hell and I’ve had anxiety the past two weeks. I haven’t struggled much at all with anything sexual other than a makeout with hands involved since my breakup but it just felt wrong so we stopped. I’ve met with my pastor and multiple people explaining how I’ve felt.

My sisters are amazing people who love god and I’ve talked with them and my parents about everything. I met with two of my old youth pastors and told them everything as well. Everyone assured me that I didn’t blaspheme the Holy Spirit and the fact that I’m so worried shows I didn’t but that doesn’t comfort me much. I’m still worried I have.

They all say that to blaspheme the Holy Spirit it has to be a complete rejection of Jesus in your heart and I don’t think I’ve ever intentionally rejected him but maybe in ignoring the Holy Spirit so much, I did. I didn’t feel God at all so that scared me. I assumed I was doomed and that it was all my fault. Never thought God did anything wrong cause all he did was love me and when I was slipping up, warn me.

Yesterday I felt doomed and so much anxiety and then I took a shower and turned on worship music, not expecting to feel anything. I started worshiping and eventually really felt moved. Immediately I remembered the story of when peter goes to meet Jesus on the water and sees the waves and starts sinking and thinks he’s doomed and he calls on Jesus and he immediately pulls him out. I started worshiping even more just praising God. I went downstairs and read that story 3 times. All my anxiety was gone and the heavy pain in my chest was gone. I felt the heaviness completely gone. I began to worship and thank Jesus over and over and over.

I called my sisters and told them what happened and they were so happy cause they had been praying for me. I asked them to continue to pray for me that I would have increased faith because I know the devil would try to steal what just happened. I was fasting that day and continued and listened to worship music in the car. A few hours later the anxiety was back and slowly doubted everything that happened and felt doomed again.

I went to a young adults group and got prayer from the whole group and kind of explained I felt like I was hopeless and pushed the Holy Spirit away too many times. They all prayed and encouraged me but I still felt hopeless. I talked to my oldest sister for an hour in my car just saying I didn’t want to be separated from her for eternity and that I loved her so much. We talked a lot and it got my mind off of things. I went home and was really tired so I fell asleep. Today I woke up feeling hopeless again and like I’m going to hell. And it leaves me with a lot of anxiety and I don’t even know what to do with my life. I’m not eating much cause I lose my appetite. I know this is VERY VERY long. But please can anyone give me advice? Thank you.

Can you email me @dreganne@gmail.com