HELP! Did I loose God’s will?

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

Alright... where do I begin?
Many years ago I was sexually abused. To cope with that I turned to inappropriate contentography. Since I was homeschooled, I barely left the house. I had all the more time to view it.
I realized I couldn’t go on living the way I was anymore and I came to God.
I became pure and clean with such a Holy feeling.
I never looked at inappropriate contentography again. Although sometimes sensual images popped up and hurt me, I was able to escape that and homosexuality too. I was free.
I could finally live the life God wanted me to have. I joined a Church and met friends. I had a lot of anxiety at the time but it didn’t matter because God was with me. Then God wanted me to get close to a specific person, and I said yes. Me and this person became closer and closer with Holy Spirit surrounding us.
And then quarantine hit.
All of a sudden I was in the same setting I was before..
Trapped.
Past memories started to haunt me. Traumatic viewings of my assault and inappropriate contentography flashed in my mind. Looping thoughts that never stopped. These unwanted thoughts came again and again, and I rebuked them each time. Sometimes I was more emotional and cried while rebuking them. Screaming in my mind “no, that isn’t me anymore, I’m God’s child now!”

It hurt me. I thought I’d never have told deal with the shame of my past again. Then last night I was sleeping when an awful dream happened. In my dream I was in Temptation. Satan was telling me to harm the friend I mentioned before, and I said I would never harm him. Then my body was filled with the evil past feelings I thought. I couldn’t escape. Someone approached me and wanted to sexually assault me again. I said no and they dragged me in. I woke up and I cried. In real life my body was reacting to this, with arousal. I cried hard and asked God to forgive me. But I didn’t feel like I could be forgiven. I went too far, I ruined all my “progress” of being a Christian, ruined a potential beautiful friendship, ruined my future.
Please help..

 

[Tolworth John]

But I didn’t feel like I could be forgiven. I went too far, I ruined all my “progress” of being a Christian, ruined a potential beautiful friendship, ruined my future.
Please help..

You have had a featuring past and recent changes have caused you to relive some of that past.

May I reassure you that your salvation, your future hope of heaven is not going to be lost because of a desturbing nightmare.

Jesus knows your past, he knows the demons you have fought and knows your intent.

He holds your faith and he will not let it go.

As 1john1:9 says Jesus is faithfull and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Tell Jesus about your dream/nightmare, confess your sins if you think you have sinned and thank and praise Jesus for what he has done in saving and forgiving you.

 

[longwait]

Alright... where do I begin?
Many years ago I was sexually abused. To cope with that I turned to inappropriate contentography. Since I was homeschooled, I barely left the house. I had all the more time to view it.
I realized I couldn’t go on living the way I was anymore and I came to God.
I became pure and clean with such a Holy feeling.
I never looked at inappropriate contentography again. Although sometimes sensual images popped up and hurt me, I was able to escape that and homosexuality too. I was free.
I could finally live the life God wanted me to have. I joined a Church and met friends. I had a lot of anxiety at the time but it didn’t matter because God was with me. Then God wanted me to get close to a specific person, and I said yes. Me and this person became closer and closer with Holy Spirit surrounding us.
And then quarantine hit.
All of a sudden I was in the same setting I was before..
Trapped.
Past memories started to haunt me. Traumatic viewings of my assault and inappropriate contentography flashed in my mind. Looping thoughts that never stopped. These unwanted thoughts came again and again, and I rebuked them each time. Sometimes I was more emotional and cried while rebuking them. Screaming in my mind “no, that isn’t me anymore, I’m God’s child now!”

It hurt me. I thought I’d never have told deal with the shame of my past again. Then last night I was sleeping when an awful dream happened. In my dream I was in Temptation. Satan was telling me to harm the friend I mentioned before, and I said I would never harm him. Then my body was filled with the evil past feelings I thought. I couldn’t escape. Someone approached me and wanted to sexually assault me again. I said no and they dragged me in. I woke up and I cried. In real life my body was reacting to this, with arousal. I cried hard and asked God to forgive me. But I didn’t feel like I could be forgiven. I went too far, I ruined all my “progress” of being a Christian, ruined a potential beautiful friendship, ruined my future.
Please help..

You should use this quarantine period to pray, fast, worship and study the Word.

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

You should use this quarantine period to pray, fast, worship and study the Word.

I’m actually on a 40 day fast and I do read and Pray a lot, but the devil always seems to attack my mind and ruin anything I say, I will be praising God then an unwanted awful thought pops up

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

You have had a featuring past and recent changes have caused you to relive some of that past.

May I reassure you that your salvation, your future hope of heaven is not going to be lost because of a desturbing nightmare.

Jesus knows your past, he knows the demons you have fought and knows your intent.

He holds your faith and he will not let it go.

As 1john1:9 says Jesus is faithfull and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Tell Jesus about your dream/nightmare, confess your sins if you think you have sinned and thank and praise Jesus for what he has done in saving and forgiving you.

Thank you... I have tears in my eyes. I just want my mind to be controlled, but I know as long as I’m on this earth God will forgive me if I ask him and am willing to change.

 

[Sketcher]

Alright... where do I begin?
Many years ago I was sexually abused. To cope with that I turned to inappropriate contentography. Since I was homeschooled, I barely left the house. I had all the more time to view it.
I realized I couldn’t go on living the way I was anymore and I came to God.
I became pure and clean with such a Holy feeling.
I never looked at inappropriate contentography again. Although sometimes sensual images popped up and hurt me, I was able to escape that and homosexuality too. I was free.
I could finally live the life God wanted me to have. I joined a Church and met friends. I had a lot of anxiety at the time but it didn’t matter because God was with me. Then God wanted me to get close to a specific person, and I said yes. Me and this person became closer and closer with Holy Spirit surrounding us.
And then quarantine hit.
All of a sudden I was in the same setting I was before..
Trapped.
Past memories started to haunt me. Traumatic viewings of my assault and inappropriate contentography flashed in my mind. Looping thoughts that never stopped. These unwanted thoughts came again and again, and I rebuked them each time. Sometimes I was more emotional and cried while rebuking them. Screaming in my mind “no, that isn’t me anymore, I’m God’s child now!”

It hurt me. I thought I’d never have told deal with the shame of my past again. Then last night I was sleeping when an awful dream happened. In my dream I was in Temptation. Satan was telling me to harm the friend I mentioned before, and I said I would never harm him. Then my body was filled with the evil past feelings I thought. I couldn’t escape. Someone approached me and wanted to sexually assault me again. I said no and they dragged me in. I woke up and I cried. In real life my body was reacting to this, with arousal. I cried hard and asked God to forgive me. But I didn’t feel like I could be forgiven. I went too far, I ruined all my “progress” of being a Christian, ruined a potential beautiful friendship, ruined my future.
Please help..

You didn't ruin a friendship or lose all your progress with God. You had a nightmare. And Satan wants to use that to continue to degrade what you have with God, these feelings and thoughts that you describe are his tool to do that. Repent of everything bad you said "yes" to (if anything) and move on. Often trauma exists in layers, and you discovered that there are layers beneath the ones you have already pulled away. Do not be ashamed to ask for help from someone qualified to deal with sexual abuse specifically.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Alright... where do I begin?
Many years ago I was sexually abused. To cope with that I turned to inappropriate contentography. Since I was homeschooled, I barely left the house. I had all the more time to view it.
I realized I couldn’t go on living the way I was anymore and I came to God.
I became pure and clean with such a Holy feeling.
I never looked at inappropriate contentography again. Although sometimes sensual images popped up and hurt me, I was able to escape that and homosexuality too. I was free.
I could finally live the life God wanted me to have. I joined a Church and met friends. I had a lot of anxiety at the time but it didn’t matter because God was with me. Then God wanted me to get close to a specific person, and I said yes. Me and this person became closer and closer with Holy Spirit surrounding us.
And then quarantine hit.
All of a sudden I was in the same setting I was before..
Trapped.
Past memories started to haunt me. Traumatic viewings of my assault and inappropriate contentography flashed in my mind. Looping thoughts that never stopped. These unwanted thoughts came again and again, and I rebuked them each time. Sometimes I was more emotional and cried while rebuking them. Screaming in my mind “no, that isn’t me anymore, I’m God’s child now!”

It hurt me. I thought I’d never have told deal with the shame of my past again. Then last night I was sleeping when an awful dream happened. In my dream I was in Temptation. Satan was telling me to harm the friend I mentioned before, and I said I would never harm him. Then my body was filled with the evil past feelings I thought. I couldn’t escape. Someone approached me and wanted to sexually assault me again. I said no and they dragged me in. I woke up and I cried. In real life my body was reacting to this, with arousal. I cried hard and asked God to forgive me. But I didn’t feel like I could be forgiven. I went too far, I ruined all my “progress” of being a Christian, ruined a potential beautiful friendship, ruined my future.
Please help..

The bible says:

Jas 1:17 Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father who created all the lights in the heavens.

God is not going to take from you, your friendships, neither your progression in Christ. God is for you. Don't worry about the dream, you have no control over that. The only thing you have control over are your waking hours.

As for not being forgiven, the bible tells us that:

1Jn 1:9 But if we confess our sins to God, he can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away.

So even if you meant to sin God would still forgive you if you desired change.

And the cross covers our whole life time of sins, man dies once, so Christ was offered once. You are definitely forgiven.

Heb 9:27-28 We die only once, and then we are judged. So Christ died only once to take away the sins of many people.

 

[longwait]

I’m actually on a 40 day fast and I do read and Pray a lot, but the devil always seems to attack my mind and ruin anything I say, I will be praising God then an unwanted awful thought pops up

You are not alone. Unwanted awful thoughts happens to me too and yes, it makes me doubt my salvation as well. Just keep praying and continue to focus on the Lord.

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Romans 12:11-13

 

[faroukfarouk]

Alright... where do I begin?
Many years ago I was sexually abused. To cope with that I turned to inappropriate contentography. Since I was homeschooled, I barely left the house. I had all the more time to view it.
I realized I couldn’t go on living the way I was anymore and I came to God.
I became pure and clean with such a Holy feeling.
I never looked at inappropriate contentography again. Although sometimes sensual images popped up and hurt me, I was able to escape that and homosexuality too. I was free.
I could finally live the life God wanted me to have. I joined a Church and met friends. I had a lot of anxiety at the time but it didn’t matter because God was with me. Then God wanted me to get close to a specific person, and I said yes. Me and this person became closer and closer with Holy Spirit surrounding us.
And then quarantine hit.
All of a sudden I was in the same setting I was before..
Trapped.
Past memories started to haunt me. Traumatic viewings of my assault and inappropriate contentography flashed in my mind. Looping thoughts that never stopped. These unwanted thoughts came again and again, and I rebuked them each time. Sometimes I was more emotional and cried while rebuking them. Screaming in my mind “no, that isn’t me anymore, I’m God’s child now!”

It hurt me. I thought I’d never have told deal with the shame of my past again. Then last night I was sleeping when an awful dream happened. In my dream I was in Temptation. Satan was telling me to harm the friend I mentioned before, and I said I would never harm him. Then my body was filled with the evil past feelings I thought. I couldn’t escape. Someone approached me and wanted to sexually assault me again. I said no and they dragged me in. I woke up and I cried. In real life my body was reacting to this, with arousal. I cried hard and asked God to forgive me. But I didn’t feel like I could be forgiven. I went too far, I ruined all my “progress” of being a Christian, ruined a potential beautiful friendship, ruined my future.
Please help..

Hi; good to see you.

Daily prayer and the Scriptures is such an important part of our routine so that our minds may be equipped with resources when horrible thoughts come.

Here's a good verse:

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." (Philippians 4.8)

Hebrews 9.14 speaks of consciences being purged because the Lord Jesus by the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God.

 

[John Helpher]

Then God wanted me to get close to a specific person, and I said yes. Me and this person became closer and closer with Holy Spirit surrounding us.
And then quarantine hit.

Are you able to contact this person via phone or email? It might help.

In my dream I was in Temptation. Satan was telling me to harm the friend I mentioned before, and I said I would never harm him.

This seems like progress.

Then my body was filled with the evil past feelings I thought. I couldn’t escape. Someone approached me and wanted to sexually assault me again. I said no and they dragged me in. I woke up and I cried. In real life my body was reacting to this, with arousal.

Sexual desire is one of the most misunderstood feelings. It's not wrong to feel desire or even to indulge fantasies. The trick in discerning the line between acceptable fantasy and lust is in careful and honest self-examination. If you have a thought about doing a wrong thing, but know deep down that if you could do this wrong thing and get away with it, but still would refrain because it was wrong, then you have not lusted.

However, if you have a thought about doing a wrong thing, but only refrain from acting on that thought for fear of getting caught, then despite not having acted on that wrong thing you're still guilty of it (because it was only fear or inconvenience that prevented you, rather than integrity).

For example, if I'm hungry I may fantasize about stealing a pizza. If I had the opportunity to actually steal a pizza without getting caught, but I still refrain because deep down I do not want to steal, then even though I fantasized about doing it I'm not guilty.

However, if I want to steal the pizza, but only refrain because I'm afraid of getting caught, then I would be guilty of the theft even though I didn't actually follow through on the fantasy.

Understanding the difference between these two takes patience and practice. We often feel guilt over what we should not, and feel no guilt over what we should. You won't always get it right, but God understands that, which is why forgiveness is available; to try and fail is still better than not trying at all.

Past memories started to haunt me. Traumatic viewings of my assault and inappropriate contentography flashed in my mind.

One thing that may help you to resist the temptation to get back into inappropriate content is to recognize the reason behind why it is immoral. It's not just a rule for the sake of a rule. Even if you manage to find a site offering inappropriate content for free, just your presence there, every click or scroll on the page is measured as part of the page's popularity, which directly results in advertising via popularity stats (much like it is for any other monetized page on the internet).

Increased popularity means increased revenue which means the participants (including those who recruit and organize the people and activities) will be encouraged to continue. These are real people with a soul, created by God. They, like us, were created for God's glory; we should not encourage them to exploit one another for our entertainment. If you can try to see them as real people, deserving of your love and care, then you will be less tempted to see them as tools for your own pleasure.

Good luck.