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HELP! Dating Advice please!

Discussion in 'Prayer Wall' started by jessa_lee, Apr 30, 2002.

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  1. jessa_lee

    jessa_lee Newbie

    9
    +0
    Non-Denom
    Single
    I have a wonderful best friend who is very in love with me. He desires to marry me. I love his heart, his soul. I love his walk with the Lord, his outlook on life, his personality and character. My problem is I don't find him physically attractive. :sigh: He's overweight and starting to bald. I've had friends tell me that this is a problem I need to address. What do I do? Do I tell him that I don't find him attractive? How would I tell him that? Should I just let it be since I'm in love with the eternal part of him and the outward is just a tent? :cry: What should I do??? :help:
     
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  2. amie

    amie Survivor

    +7
    Non-Denom
    Hi jessa lee,
    I am happy that you find his character and spirit so beautiful...amd I am happy that he is able to feel love as well, it is such a beautiful emotion, but you never said in your post that you were "in love with him". You did mention characteristics that you love about him as you would with any friend, but if you are not in love with him, I am afraid to say that marrying him may not be in your best interest. I am inclined to believe that you are not in love with him in the way a woman loves a man because you do not care for his physical traits, and I know that when you are truly in love with someone, that person becomes the most beautiful thing to you in this world. Since he is in love with you, if you tell him you are not attracted to him, it would most likely damage his heart and hurt his feelings...answer this...can you picture spending the rest of your life with him? does he make you happier than anyone else? i just want to gain better perspective on this, I really want to help you on this...I want you to know that I am praying for and with you my friend...he truly sounds like a beautiful person, but it sounds like you are unsure of the relationship due to your feelings...I will help you in any way I can...with love and blessings to you!
    praying for you...
    Amie
    :angel:
     
  3. solo66 man

    solo66 man Well-Known Member

    +2
    Essentially, I am in full agreement with Amie.
    But have you ever gone out with him? How well do you know him? If the physical attributes do not bother you, and it sounds as if they do not, except at the prompting of your friends, you can tell him what a wonderful thought and that you might accept on a trial basis and see where you two go from there. He may not like a trial basis, but for your love, he will probably accept that condition.
    If you really are in love with the eternal part of him, the rest will just fall into place.
    God Bless you.
     
  4. jessa_lee

    jessa_lee Newbie

    9
    +0
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Let's see. Paul and I have been "courting" for about a month. We've had a lot of long talks and we are totally on the same page with just about everything - mainly when it comes to God's Word and our relationship with Him. We have an awesome friendship. I love every minute that I spend with him, and when a day goes by that I don't hear from him, I'm a little sad. I can say that I don't see him as downright ugly. He has beautiful blue eyes (my favorite color) and he gets dimples when he smiles (very cute). Another thing, I know that he has lost a considerable amount of weight over the last 6 months... so maybe things will change there??

    Everything in me says he is one of a kind. His heart isn't like any other I've known. Jesus has surely done an amazing work in his life, and I just love to see God working in him more and more. This is so confusing to me, I don't want to make the wrong choice. If it's not God's will for us to be together, is this God's way of showing me? Or is this just the enemy trying to thwart something beautiful that the Lord is doing?

    I hope this helps you see a bit more where I am coming from! Thank you SO much for your prayers and your help!

    ~Jessa
     
  5. amie

    amie Survivor

    +7
    Non-Denom
    Hi Jessa,
    Paul sounds like a dream (especially those cute dimples) I am glad you are taking your time, that is the best thing for you to do right now since you are a little unsure...well if you feel sadness when you don't talk with him, there is definately some feelings there. And also the fact that you love every minute you spend with him, that is all a good sign...I was once deeply in love with my best male friend too, although it did not work out for me, I cherish the beautiful memories we shared together, and I know many people who have gone on to marry their best friend and it has been the greatest blessing in their life. I personally am rooting for Paul here Jessa! ;) he sounds like a sweetheart, a one of a kind treasure...take your time, be sure of your feelings and most of all pray with him about your relationship...then it can grow stronger and the best advice I can give you right now is to just offer it up, put it all in Gods hands and then you'll never go wrong! I am praying for you my friend...Best of luck to you and God Bless! Love, blessings and an infinite amount of peace...and once again he sounds like an exquiste treasure ;)
    Amie
     
  6. solo66 man

    solo66 man Well-Known Member

    +2
    Say no more. You are in love with him. That is God's will.
    Two disciples in love. There is nothing more beautiful than that.
    As far as his weight, perhaps he only needs a mention from you and he will change the habit. It may be medical too.
    At any rate, do not expect him to change anything as he should not expect you to change anything.
    That is not saying you or he should not or will not change anything. Now is the best time to bring it up. You are in love with him and should be with him.
    For love, you can overcome anything, even the nay sayers.
    And as in anything, pray.
    God Bless you.
     
  7. fieldmouse3

    fieldmouse3 Contributor

    +58
    Christian
    Single
    US-Republican
    Well, I'm not expert with these things, but your story really hit me. It sounds like there are some feelings there, but I think you are the only one who can say for sure if they go beyond friendship or not. Since you seem a bit unsure about things, the best advice I can give you is to take things slow...and PRAY!!!! God will reveal His will for this situation. Let us know what happens!
     
  8. Josh

    Josh Indeed.

    282
    +1
    Whatever you choose to do, don't tell him that. That would be devastating, and probably have permanent effects on him.
     
  9. jessa_lee

    jessa_lee Newbie

    9
    +0
    Non-Denom
    Single
    I really appreciate all your advice and support, but now I'm going to throw a major monkey-wrench into everything, and please here me out in full, and don't jump on a judgment, but fully grasp and understand the situation and let me know what you feel:

    Paul had a long and rough past. Paul grew up in a Humanistic home with his mother and step-father, and made about every bad choice there was to make, hurting himself and others. His senior year in high school, he came to believe and trust in Jesus, and as a new Christian was learning and growing spiritually very fast. God was teaching him and showing him amazing things from the start, and God put the calling of pastor on his life. After everyting God showed him the next few months, Paul chose to join the Navy when God had made clear that He wanted him to go to Australia to help build a church. All expenses for this trip would have been covered, but he chose the Navy instead. He backslid a lot and told God to leave him alone, that he wanted to do his own thing. Two years into the Navy, he met a "hottie" and married her soon after (becoming father to her baby from a previous relationship). They had two children within the first three years.
    About two years into their marriage, Paul began to hunger for that sweet fellowship with the Lord. He wanted fellowship and teaching from God's Word again, but his wife would have no part of it. She refused to allow him or the children to go to church or have anything to do with God or Christianity. Paul continually grew in his hunger for God - and one time she came and "responded to an altar call" only to chuck his Bible out the car window on the freeway, proclaiming they would never go to church again.
    Several times during their marriage he walked in on her and another man in his own bed! Every time he forgave her. She began to cut him off from all outside connections. No longer was he allowed to see his family or have any friends, nor was his family allowed to see him or his children - not even his own parents. She also was physically abusive. She would get angry and begin throwing whatever she could at him. After a while of withstanding it, he began to retaliate and she'd call the cops on him! She continued to abuse him and after so many of her cop calls, he was labeled as abusive. She forced him to "see a doctor" and had him put on heavy sedatives. He no longer could hold a job, and she would take the kids to daycare - so he'd sit at home all day with no outside contact (hence the weight gain).
    For seven years, he remained faithful to her, forgiving her infidelity and her abuse every time, desiring to be there for his children. On 9-11 (terrorist attacks), she came home and flew off the handle at him, and he told her he wanted to turn back to God. He couldn't handle the seperation from God anymore, but had been praying for years that the Lord would save him from his mess. She immediately took him to see the doctor, and she told the doctor he was threatening her life! They took him to a mental hospital (seeing that he was not at all violent so as to require jail) to check him out. After talking with him, the doctors realized that there was nothing wrong with the guy - 'cept that he married an evil woman. At the hospital, they had her come and sit in one last counseling session to see if things could be worked out. She told Paul that he had to choose between God and her, because she would not allow him back in the house if he was going to be reading the Bible and attending church.
    Needless to say, he no longer had a home. He knew he must choose God, and trust God to bring his children back to him. Paul called his biological father, who over time had become a Christian, and a pastor, and is now consequently a pastor at my church. Paul told him his situation, and was on the next bus with only the clothes on his back.

    Paul and I met about 4 months after he had returned (around Christmas). I knew nothing about his past, and God had done some amazing work in his life from the point when he returned to when we had met. It is amazing how God's timing works, and it is clear that God has brought us into each others lives for various reasons. Namely, we point each other to the Lord daily! Paul is currently fighting for custody of his kids, so they too can be free to know God and attend church and have a Christian family. Currently his ex will not allow him to see his children, and will hang up on him if he calls even to talk to them.

    Having said all this, Paul and I have been waiting on God moreso than anything because his divorce has not been finalized by the courts. We have not "officially" done any courtship (as I mentioned earlier, as I was thinking more in the future tense), rather we've discussed it, and are praying about it as a future plan when this all gets sorted out and cleared up by God's grace.

    Some friends have told me I should have nothing to do with Paul, but God's Word proclaims that where he stands is right (see 1 Corinthians 7:15 and the verses surrounding it), and circumstances show that our friendship has only drawn us both very much closer to the Lord. Our talks are about Jesus and His Word and what He is doing in our lives. Edification and even exhortation are the result of our times spent together talking and reading the Word. So please, pray, and tell me what is on your heart. And again, thank you for your love and your honesty. My heart desires to be pure before the Lord, and in the center of His will.

    ~Jessa
     
  10. solo66 man

    solo66 man Well-Known Member

    +2
    Once again, not a difficult decision. You are wise to wait until the divorce is settled. But neither of you is doing anything wrong. You are being mature Christians and I applaud you for that. You seem very much in love and willing to be his wife under Christ. You are doing all you should. Your friends, although well meaning, are being overly cautious. Of course, I am not there and do not see your relationsip first hand, but according to your writing,
    you are not out of the will of God, Paul is a man of God,
    and you love eachother. You are doing fine.
    God Bless you.
     
  11. JohnR7

    JohnR7 Well-Known Member

    +191
    Pentecostal
    Married
    >>He's overweight and starting to bald.

    Put him on a diet. One can send a thousand to flee, but two can send ten thousand to flee. Help him pray and get the strength and self control he needs from God. But do not try to battle flesh with flesh, you overcome the flesh through the Spirit.

    Eccles. 4:9-10
    Two are better than one,
    Because they have a good reward for their labor.
    [10] For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
    But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
    For he has no one to help him up.

    God can heal the hair loss problem also. My wife had problems with her hair falling out, then I found a scripture that had something to do with haughtyness. It has not been so bad sense I showed her that scripture, but I think that has to do with women. I have just the opposite problem, the older I get, the thicker my hair gets, so I have to keep it cut shorter then I use to, because it gets hard to control if it gets long. Thanks, JohnR7
     
  12. Josh

    Josh Indeed.

    282
    +1
    You told your wife she was losing hair because she was haughty?
     
  13. ZiSunka

    ZiSunka It means 'yellow dog'

    +276
    Christian
    I'd ask God to change my heart so I didn't think his appearance was such an obstacle anymore. DO NOT tell him that he is unattractive, unless you want to permanently mar his self-esteem.
     
  14. jessa_lee

    jessa_lee Newbie

    9
    +0
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Actually, I went to a Bible study with him last night, and it seems to me that the more I spend time with him, the more attractive he becomes to me. It's odd, but the more of his heart I see, the more handsome he becomes outwardly. :) Interesting, huh? God at work
     
  15. JohnR7

    JohnR7 Well-Known Member

    +191
    Pentecostal
    Married
    >>You told your wife she was losing hair because she was haughty?

    No, I am not aware of my wife being haughty. She maybe, but I am not aware of it. You know what the Bible says, to the pure all seems pure. I would have to have that sin in me, to be able to see it in her.

    But I do know her hair was falling out, and had been for a while. Either that or she was pulling out all the gray hairs and there are none left :)

    What I told her was that there were women in the Bible that was haughty and God's judgement on her was that her hair fell out.

    Isaiah 3:16
    Moreover the Lord says:

    "Because the daughters of Zion are haughty,
    And walk with outstretched necks
    And wanton eyes,
    Walking and mincing as they go,
    Making a jingling with their feet,

    Isaiah 3:24
    And so it shall be:

    Instead of a sweet smell there will be a stench;
    Instead of a sash, a rope;
    Instead of well-set hair, baldness;
    Instead of a rich robe, a girding of sackcloth;
    And branding instead of beauty.

    Sense I shared that scripture with her, it seems like her hair is getting a lot thicker now. Thanks, JohnR7
     
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