Help a 17yr old is interested in my 13yr old :(

[mom2teengrls]

Here's the backstory. My daughter is 13 and she joined a recrerational swin team over the summer, and fell in love with the sport. She met the 17yr old high school guy through swimming. He helps out with their team, which was great. Now, they text message all the time and always chat on her phone. She definitely has a crush on him. I was hoping that he thought of her as a lil sister, but I got hold of her cellphone, and read some of the text messages that he sent her, and they read much like a guy that is courting a girl. I want to put a stop to this now! I confronted my daughter about the text messages, so now she erases all the information on her phone, and takes it everywhere she goes. I'm worried that she's secretly seeing him when we drop her off to see friends. I also confronted the guy and told him that my daughter has a cruch on you, and I hope that your smart enough to know that she's off limit. He claims that they are just friends, but I don't believe him or her.



I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.



What is a mom to do?


Advice please?

 

[addo]

Well, it's not that I have much experience (I'm 15), but here are my thoughts.

If it's a crush, it will likely disappear with time. The thing would be to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid in the meantime. Is your daughter close to God? What is her view on fornication? Do you think your daughter is strong enough to resist temptation?

You should also try to find out what kind of a man this 17 year-old is. Is he a Christian? What do you think his goal is? How close is he to your daughter? Etc. You can win a fight without knowing your 'enemy', and I suppose you already know your daughter so you should find out more about this guy. A way would be to ask your daughter about him and find out what does she think of him.

Have you tried making her see your point of view? Explain to her why do you believe what she is doing is wrong.

Ask her to trust your judgment. Asking her this actually gives you the advantage since:

-you are older therefore you have more life-experience
-you seek her best-interest
-if she is a Christian, you have God-given authority and she is obliged to obey (in my opinion, this argument should be used as a last resort and of course only if she's Christian since if she is not she won't really care)
​

While on the other hand she is:

-(or may be) blinded by 'love'
-lacking life experience thus not knowing what she is getting into, if it's worth it, etc.
-she is a child and thus she has to obey you
​

Whatever you choose to do, like always, do it in love.

And please keep us updated if you can.

 

[MckDawg04]

Well, it's not that I have much experience (I'm 15), but here are my thoughts.

If it's a crush, it will likely disappear with time. The thing would be to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid in the meantime. Is your daughter close to God? What is her view on fornication? Do you think your daughter is strong enough to resist temptation?

You should also try to find out what kind of a man this 17 year-old is. Is he a Christian? What do you think his goal is? How close is he to your daughter? Etc. You can win a fight without knowing your 'enemy', and I suppose you already know your daughter so you should find out more about this guy. A way would be to ask your daughter about him and find out what does she think of him.

Have you tried making her see your point of view? Explain to her why do you believe what she is doing is wrong.

Ask her to trust your judgment. Asking her this actually gives you the advantage since:

-you are older therefore you have more life-experience
-you seek her best-interest
-if she is a Christian, you have God-given authority and she is obliged to obey (in my opinion, this argument should be used as a last resort and of course only if she's Christian since if she is not she won't really care)
​

While on the other hand she is:

-(or may be) blinded by 'love'
-lacking life experience thus not knowing what she is getting into, if it's worth it, etc.
-she is a child and thus she has to obey you
​

Whatever you choose to do, like always, do it in love.

And please keep us updated if you can.

For being 15, these are some very good points.

I would add that when/if you talk with the 17-year-old again that you don't make it seem as though you are accusing him of doing anything. Don't assume that something is going on when you really don't know.

Maybe you could invite him over for dinner one night and have a nice conversation about his future plans and how he spends his free time. It could very well be that your daughter is pursuing him more than he is pursuing her.

Essentially you don't want to base your thoughts off of circumstantial evidence. While it can be true and look bad, the truth may be quite different.

 

[Daisy215]

This story reminds me of myself and a friend.
So we were talking about a scene in a movie. The movie was rated R, and we were describing it and quoting it because it seemed so fake to us.
The next day my younger cousin went through my phone and saw what we were talking about, but not the sent box (I delete that because it slows down my phone) So it looked like I was texting him rather innappriate things.
She quickly tattled and I couldn't see him for the next two weeks, but we were just sharing emotions over a movie the whole time. It sounded really bad, but it was just innocent banter.

My point is that maybe it's not what it seems.

 

[homeofmew]

this is normal. its a small crush no big deal.

 

[Mayzoo]

Well, decide if this is a serious issue between them. If it is, you can remove the cell aspect easily by removing texting off her phone and limit who can receive from and call to (through the phone company). If you cannot do this with the plan/provider you have, you can get her a "Firefly" cell phone (very limited who can call her and who she can call--I think five people that you program is the limit and no texting) or a prepaid phone that does not have texting as an option.

Of course, she will hate these options and the contention of "you do not trust me" will be ramped up tremendously. I would really only use these options if you feel you really cannot trust her based her past actions. Otherwise, I would talk talk and talk more to explain my concerns, explain crushes and first loves, and have her talk to other people you both trust for their opinion on this matter so she hopefully does not think this is just mom trying to "ruin her life" or keep her "from having any fun".

 

[Romanseight2005]

Your right to be concerned. I agree with inviting him to dinner. and finding a way to get in the loop, so to speak. Oh abd verizon havs good options with limiting who your daughter can receive calls from.

 

[lawtonfogle]

Here's the backstory. My daughter is 13 and she joined a recrerational swin team over the summer, and fell in love with the sport. She met the 17yr old high school guy through swimming. He helps out with their team, which was great. Now, they text message all the time and always chat on her phone. She definitely has a crush on him. I was hoping that he thought of her as a lil sister, but I got hold of her cellphone, and read some of the text messages that he sent her, and they read much like a guy that is courting a girl. I want to put a stop to this now! I confronted my daughter about the text messages, so now she erases all the information on her phone, and takes it everywhere she goes. I'm worried that she's secretly seeing him when we drop her off to see friends. I also confronted the guy and told him that my daughter has a cruch on you, and I hope that your smart enough to know that she's off limit. He claims that they are just friends, but I don't believe him or her.



I can't take away her cellphone because we need it to contact her in case of an emergency, she's involved with a ton of extracurricular activities, so locking her in her room until she's 30 isn't the answer.



What is a mom to do?


Advice please?

Old post... but it may have been a sock for a regular member who doesn't want their own name attached...

I would suggest inviting him over to talk. Get him to talk about his intentions in this relationship, but don't be overly threatening (it is best if he comes over and actually talks).

If he refuses to come over but still sees your daughter, see if you can get the police to help, as this relationship could turn abusive. Perhaps a restraining order? If he is willing to come over, and talk to you and says he wants to data/court her, then you have a much harder choice. Calling the relationship off, not even allowing supervised dating, can put a wedge such that her next crush she hides from you well enough you don't find out till things have gone bad.

 

[speechteachri]

I would be curious to know how this situation has worked out, if the OP is still around.

We are in a similar situation, as my 14 y-o daughter is currently involved with a 17 y-o...by involved, I mean that they are involved emotionally. The boy is someone she rarely sees (thank goodness) although she may be seeing him more as the school year begins in Sept. Their relationship has grown through FB chatting and the multitude of texts they send each other every day. it is more of a courting relationship at this point, which is nice. This boy is also a great kid, and is friends with my husband and myself on FB and chats with me often there. He also texts me regularly, just to say hi and such, just because he is a very talkative kid and very friendly. I enjoy chatting w/ him...my philosophy is "keep you friends close and your enemies (or potential enemies) closer.
The big problem for me with the development of this relationship (aside from the age difference, which is huge, and something both my husband and I have spoken with both her and him about), is the fact that this boy is not a Christian. My daughter is a committed Christian girl, and has been, to this point, very stong in her faith and values, although I do expect her not always to make good decisions as she grows up.
This boy is a seeker, and I have been using the opportunity of chatting with him to witness to him and encourage him spiritually. I have also told him that I am praying for him on a regular basis. he seems encouraged by this.
I am trying to walk a fine line. DD knows that I will step in at any time if I feel there is a problem, and she knows I have full access to her phone and FB accts. I am also friends with many of her friends on FB so I know at least for now that she hasn't tried to set up any accts. under other names. I do trust her, but she knows that that trust can be broken, and that if it does, she will lose privaleges and such. She knows I am her parent, and will parent her as appropriate. BUT, it is hard, because I do not want to push her away and cause her to become secretive. I want her to continue to be open with me, but also I know that I won't know everything.
It is a very difficult situation to be in, and one I didn't think I would have to encounter this early in her teen years. I am just being watchful nd prayerful and trying to keep lines of communication open as much as possible.

Hope the OP has made out ok with her daughter in this situation.

 

[Niffer]

I would be curious to know how this situation has worked out, if the OP is still around.

We are in a similar situation, as my 14 y-o daughter is currently involved with a 17 y-o...by involved, I mean that they are involved emotionally. The boy is someone she rarely sees (thank goodness) although she may be seeing him more as the school year begins in Sept. Their relationship has grown through FB chatting and the multitude of texts they send each other every day. it is more of a courting relationship at this point, which is nice. This boy is also a great kid, and is friends with my husband and myself on FB and chats with me often there. He also texts me regularly, just to say hi and such, just because he is a very talkative kid and very friendly. I enjoy chatting w/ him...my philosophy is "keep you friends close and your enemies (or potential enemies) closer.
The big problem for me with the development of this relationship (aside from the age difference, which is huge, and something both my husband and I have spoken with both her and him about), is the fact that this boy is not a Christian. My daughter is a committed Christian girl, and has been, to this point, very stong in her faith and values, although I do expect her not always to make good decisions as she grows up.
This boy is a seeker, and I have been using the opportunity of chatting with him to witness to him and encourage him spiritually. I have also told him that I am praying for him on a regular basis. he seems encouraged by this.
I am trying to walk a fine line. DD knows that I will step in at any time if I feel there is a problem, and she knows I have full access to her phone and FB accts. I am also friends with many of her friends on FB so I know at least for now that she hasn't tried to set up any accts. under other names. I do trust her, but she knows that that trust can be broken, and that if it does, she will lose privaleges and such. She knows I am her parent, and will parent her as appropriate. BUT, it is hard, because I do not want to push her away and cause her to become secretive. I want her to continue to be open with me, but also I know that I won't know everything.
It is a very difficult situation to be in, and one I didn't think I would have to encounter this early in her teen years. I am just being watchful nd prayerful and trying to keep lines of communication open as much as possible.

Hope the OP has made out ok with her daughter in this situation.

I still think I'd have issues with a 17 year old being involved with my 14 year old; regardless of whether it's more "courting" rather than dating.
Technically, they're both kids.
And I've seen plenty of kids with 2 FB accounts, one that mom is on, and one where she isn't.
More alarm bells go off when you say he's not Christian - being a teenage boy, his mind is in one spot when it comes to girls.
It's hard enough for Christian teen guys not to think about sex all the time, but a secular one won't even try to control his thoughts or emotions.
Speaking of, at 14 a girl will readily think she's "In love", and can be convinced into almost anything if the guy acts sweet enough.

What can your daughter benefit from being in this relationship? ...On the other hand, what is it possible for her to lose? Quite a bit.
I don't know about your personal beliefs of purity before marriage, but allowing her to date or be courted by this guy is just going to bring up this temptation even more.

He may be the nicest, sweetest guy in the world - but the bottom line is, he still wants in your daughters pants.
That's just how it is.

Peace,
-Niffer