Hello All, a little update on the peanut!

[lil~peanut]

I guess I should write and let everyone know why I haven’t been around. I have been surrounded by death. I have grown very very negative. Worse than normal. Since May of 2006 there has been nothing but sorrow at every corner. I have posted a few threads about some of them. But not all. I felt like I was drowning. I don’t know when I posted last, but I feel the need to update you all. 2006 was a terrible terrible year, as some of you may remember. In August my Grandfather passed away, in Early November, my BF’s cousin lost her baby at 37 weeks. I was asked to speak at Baby Ava’s service and some of you helped me find appropriate prayers. 2 weeks later, a friend and co-worker was killed on his motorcycle when a bus pulled out in front of him. In April of 2007, a little girl that I used to babysit passed away at age 14 from a very rare disease. At this point there were 8 other deaths from 2006 to mid 2007. And then the kicker. On October 5th last year my cousin was hit by a train. Yes…..a train. He was chasing his dog…..and well. You can imagine that neither of them made it. Puppy and Cousin were both killed on impact. Every night before I would go to bed, I would smoke a cigarette, and talk to GOD. I would also talk to me loved ones that had passed on. That was the last night I spoke to HIM. I got a phone call the next morning telling me that my 26 year old cousin was gone. That my Aunts only son, only child, was taken. That his wife was left a widow at 27! I couldn’t bring myself to talk to the Lord, or anyone who I couldn’t see. Right after Christmas, I was betrayed by someone who was supposed to be my best-friend. I had a white trash “Jerry Springer” moment. She told my BF that she was in love with him and blah blah blah. I’m trying to spare you guys the details and just get to the major points. Now BF was “confused.” I got angry that she could be so sinister and two faced. I believe I even called her Judas. Then, I broke my hand on her face. Yeah…..like I said: “White trash Jerry Springer” moment. Danny and I resolved everything and decided to stay together. I had tried to talk to GOD again, but I want ready to deal with that emotionally. I tried, and I did, a little. But not as much as before. And then, on February 20th, I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant. At first I thought that this was punishment. ( a terribly selfish thought, I know) I started spotting and was terrified that I was loosing my baby. (Went to the ER and baby is still there. However, I am still spotting, but I guess that’s a different thread.) I realized then that I need to take this for what it is. A blessing from GOD.



******************Then a few days after I started to write this, on Friday March 14th, we lost our little baby, blob as “he” had come to be called, I was about 9 weeks. So, there are a lot of emotions. Because I passed him at home, I didn’t have to have a D&C, which part of me was thankful for.

So…there’s my update. No, Danny and I still aren’t married. I know, but if you feel you must, you may post your opinion. So. I hope everyone’s been well. Nic, Sandy, Scott, Andy, Bill, Eva, Cat, and everyone else.

 

[MikeK]

My prayers for you and yours. What a crappy couple of years - I'm very sorry.

 

[lil~peanut]

Thank you. And I'm not trying to get attention, and I'm not trying to be negative, however, when all this stuff keeps building....I dont know.
However, I do want to be back on here more often and get updated on all my friends that I've missed for so long.

 

[Michie]

Prayers for you.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

You know what....after just huge, huge hugs.....

I've had a crappy coupla years, too...and like you I've had me a really hard time talking to God through it all...but something I learned is that through sharing my anguish--that the Body of Christ is here to take up the slack and pray in my place for the words I cannot say.

Thank you for sharing and giving me the blessing of being able to pray for you. I wish there was more tangible help I could offer....I am so sorry for all of your loss and the very particular loss ofyour own little one...it is all so immense.

You don't know me much at all--but if you ever just need to vent or write things out to get them off your chest--my PM box is always, always open.

 

[ZooMom]

Oh, sweetheart. I am so, so sorry for all your pain. I had no idea you were suffering so.

I know there's nothing that can be said to make it all better, especially the loss of your baby, but just know that I love you, and I'm praying for you. If you ever need me you know I'm here. (((((HUG)))))

Peace and hope be with you.

Sandy

 

[Virgil the Roman]

prayers.

 

[BAFRIEND]

My prayers are with you. I am so sorry to hear that of those you knew that departed were so young. That must be very difficult to struggle with.

Know that God has a very different take on what life is and what the end of it means in the grand scheme and that there is a much better and longer life and mission for us there.

 

[lil~peanut]

Thank you, all for your prayers. It sucks, but life will go on, and it warms my heart to know that you all care about what's going on. I love you guys, and I know I prolly should've posted earlier and that it may have helped, but I just wasnt ready. So...thank you again.

 

[Ann M]