Healthy father/step father teenage daughter interactions

[Hopemadenew]

Yeah we aren't talking right now. Idk if we going to make it through this. I need him to listen to me.. And that's just the start. Please pray

 

[JAM2b]

I think if you want your relationship to continue, then you need counseling as a couple. You need a third party with unbiased views looking at this situation with the two of you.

I have been reading this, but not responding. I have a family history of sexual abuse, so I didn't feel that I would have a healthy perspective and I don't want to effect your opinions. I have difficulty knowing when lines are blurred and when things are normal. So I have no know idea.

Really, none of us here can know for sure because we aren't there seeing and hearing what is going on. I know there are adult family members who hug, cuddle, wrestle, and tickle teens. I don't think most of them are bad and never will be. However, when someone abuses a child, that is often the early beginnings of it. That doesn't mean everyone who has physical contact with a minor is going to be inappropriate with them.

So I don't know.

I think you individually need help and so do your children because they have been involved in a developing family situation that now is in turmoil. And if you choose to try working this out, then he needs to have couples or premarital counseling with you.

 

[anna ~ grace]

A guilty man will often go on the defensive. An innocent man will often just sit there, bewildered, and protest innocence.

 

[Mayflower1]

I was reading through this...how are you doing? If he cares for you he will agree to family counseling. Some churches have this free. Id make sure you are absolutely confident your children are safe physically, mentally, and emotionally before you consider this relationship. Sometimes you cant see a person's true colors for a couple years...

 

[Project Panda]

I have question regarding what is normal and abnormal.. Because I really don't know. I have always been a daddy's girl and have always preferred male relationships over female when i was young. Id rather hang out with my grandpa, uncles and dad because women were boring. I was close to my grandfather and uncle, however when i became a teen they saw my admiration as opportunity to sexually abuse me.

Now I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has recently taken a liking to my 13 y.o daughter who is taller then me, looks like me and has boobs. She is developing into a cool young woman that i am very proud of. However he is starting to bond with her and I'm having a hard time with it. For example last month we had a huge fight and I considered breaking up after i walked into the room hearing them laughing and saw him tickling her... Still upsets me. But he explained that he was purposely avoiding touching her inappropriately and she started it by hitting him with pillows. He now knows that touching is off limits but he told me the other night that she is a cool girl, someone he could talk to and keeps talking about her like we were talking about playing video game and he suggested we include her. There was a candy bar in fridge he had bought an and suggested we give it to her.. Though there are more kids in the house. She seems to crush on him and likes the attention just like my 9 y.o daughter who will hang all over him and pick on him if I let her. Is it natural and healthy for a grown man to have close relationship with his young teenage daughter/step daughters or should I be really concerned. Or is it that i have issues to work through? He is a good man conscioencuous not the lying cheating type... But this.. Upsets me. When i talk to him about it he gets offended and just defends himself because he doesn't think he's wrong. What do you think? Please be gentle. Ty

You talk to the Child/Children away from the step father. (Where they know there are no repercussions) Ask them if any inappropriate actions have been taken. Keep your personal feeling's in check at all times, and talk to them like you would a friend. Then once you're sure you have the answers and only then, you'll know what to do.

 

[akmom]

I have to say, tickling a teen or pre-teen seems inappropriate to me. That doesn't mean he had dark motives, but you were right to admonish it.

I'm sure it is difficult to find that balance between developing meaningful relationships with your stepkids and maintaining healthy boundaries. You might give him a little credit for that. That said, some of those natural boundaries that come with being related and/or growing up together might be absent. So it's worth keeping an eye on things. I feel like there is less opportunity or temptation for "grooming" in an environment where you've already expressed concerns about just that.

I understand why he got defensive and doesn't want to discuss it. I mean, it's a pretty awkward topic. And it's hard to handle it when your motives are frequently questioned, especially when you really are just trying to be a good stepdad. I think you should be firm about the "no touching" rule, and also have a talk with your daughters about appropriate boundaries, but maybe you don't need to obsess about it or treat everyone like abuse is inevitable. If you are able, I think it would be really helpful to talk to a trained counselor who can decipher your concerns and give you advice on what to look for and how to proceed.