Healthy father/step father teenage daughter interactions

[Hopemadenew]

I have question regarding what is normal and abnormal.. Because I really don't know. I have always been a daddy's girl and have always preferred male relationships over female when i was young. Id rather hang out with my grandpa, uncles and dad because women were boring. I was close to my grandfather and uncle, however when i became a teen they saw my admiration as opportunity to sexually abuse me.

Now I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has recently taken a liking to my 13 y.o daughter who is taller then me, looks like me and has boobs. She is developing into a cool young woman that i am very proud of. However he is starting to bond with her and I'm having a hard time with it. For example last month we had a huge fight and I considered breaking up after i walked into the room hearing them laughing and saw him tickling her... Still upsets me. But he explained that he was purposely avoiding touching her inappropriately and she started it by hitting him with pillows. He now knows that touching is off limits but he told me the other night that she is a cool girl, someone he could talk to and keeps talking about her like we were talking about playing video game and he suggested we include her. There was a candy bar in fridge he had bought an and suggested we give it to her.. Though there are more kids in the house. She seems to crush on him and likes the attention just like my 9 y.o daughter who will hang all over him and pick on him if I let her. Is it natural and healthy for a grown man to have close relationship with his young teenage daughter/step daughters or should I be really concerned. Or is it that i have issues to work through? He is a good man conscioencuous not the lying cheating type... But this.. Upsets me. When i talk to him about it he gets offended and just defends himself because he doesn't think he's wrong. What do you think? Please be gentle. Ty

 

[royal priest]

I have question regarding what is normal and abnormal.. Because I really don't know. I have always been a daddy's girl and have always preferred male relationships over female when i was young. Id rather hang out with my grandpa, uncles and dad because women were boring. I was close to my grandfather and uncle, however when i became a teen they saw my admiration as opportunity to sexually abuse me.

Now I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has recently taken a liking to my 13 y.o daughter who is taller then me, looks like me and has boobs. She is developing into a cool young woman that i am very proud of. However he is starting to bond with her and I'm having a hard time with it. For example last month we had a huge fight and I considered breaking up after i walked into the room hearing them laughing and saw him tickling her... Still upsets me. But he explained that he was purposely avoiding touching her inappropriately and she started it by hitting him with pillows. He now knows that touching is off limits but he told me the other night that she is a cool girl, someone he could talk to and keeps talking about her like we were talking about playing video game and he suggested we include her. There was a candy bar in fridge he had bought an and suggested we give it to her.. Though there are more kids in the house. She seems to crush on him and likes the attention just like my 9 y.o daughter who will hang all over him and pick on him if I let her. Is it natural and healthy for a grown man to have close relationship with his young teenage daughter/step daughters or should I be really concerned. Or is it that i have issues to work through? He is a good man conscioencuous not the lying cheating type... But this.. Upsets me. When i talk to him about it he gets offended and just defends himself because he doesn't think he's wrong. What do you think? Please be gentle. Ty

It's understandable to me why you'd be concerned especially because of the abuse you had suffered. Does he know of your past? Does he know that you suspect a crush?

 

[Hopemadenew]

Yes I try talk to him about it . he just defends himself.

 

[royal priest]

His bond with her and response to you is more befitting of your daughter's peer rather than as her father/your husband. Your concern is very legitimate.

 

[anna ~ grace]

There is something creepy about him tickling her. What the heck? She's not two.

I don't like something about what you're describing. Often girls ages 10-14 do get crushes on older guys, but lack the wisdom to know what is appropriate and not appropriate. Your fears sound legitimate.

 

[anna ~ grace]

I also think that your past with abuse gives you unique insight as to how admiration and affection can be twisted by adults and turned into something creepy, and carnal. And thus inappropriate and abusive. Be careful. Your alarm bells going off could definitely be justified. Especially because you've been through this, and know how it can start.

 

[Soyeong]

I have question regarding what is normal and abnormal.. Because I really don't know. I have always been a daddy's girl and have always preferred male relationships over female when i was young. Id rather hang out with my grandpa, uncles and dad because women were boring. I was close to my grandfather and uncle, however when i became a teen they saw my admiration as opportunity to sexually abuse me.

Now I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has recently taken a liking to my 13 y.o daughter who is taller then me, looks like me and has boobs. She is developing into a cool young woman that i am very proud of. However he is starting to bond with her and I'm having a hard time with it. For example last month we had a huge fight and I considered breaking up after i walked into the room hearing them laughing and saw him tickling her... Still upsets me. But he explained that he was purposely avoiding touching her inappropriately and she started it by hitting him with pillows. He now knows that touching is off limits but he told me the other night that she is a cool girl, someone he could talk to and keeps talking about her like we were talking about playing video game and he suggested we include her. There was a candy bar in fridge he had bought an and suggested we give it to her.. Though there are more kids in the house. She seems to crush on him and likes the attention just like my 9 y.o daughter who will hang all over him and pick on him if I let her. Is it natural and healthy for a grown man to have close relationship with his young teenage daughter/step daughters or should I be really concerned. Or is it that i have issues to work through? He is a good man conscioencuous not the lying cheating type... But this.. Upsets me. When i talk to him about it he gets offended and just defends himself because he doesn't think he's wrong. What do you think? Please be gentle. Ty

Would you prefer it if he were not interested forming relationships with your daughters?

 

[anna ~ grace]

Would you prefer it if he were not interested forming relationships with your daughters?

Not the point. The point is that her older daughter may have a crush on him, and that some of his behavior feels and loooks overly intimate. This is often how incest starts; with an overly affectionate adult spending way too much time with a young person just seeking approval. It gets more complicated if the girl in question already likes the adult in question. This just sounds weird. As the mother has, herself, been molested by male relatives and knows how these things get started, I would advise her to go with her gut.

If (and this is a big if) this is pre-grooming, it won't get better. It will get worse.

 

[anna ~ grace]

This man's being romantically in your life is not worth your daughter's safety, virtue, mental health, future, or well-being.

 

[Hopemadenew]

Id prefer for him to be in her life but not act in a way that is questionable

 

[Hopemadenew]

Its sad too because we've been together for 1.5 years, engaged, planning a wedding, and building a house together

 

[Hopemadenew]

I am really sad and confused. Will you please pray for me? Thank you

 

[anna ~ grace]

I am really sad and confused. Will you please pray for me? Thank you

Will definitely pray for you.

 

[mina]

If you continue with the relationship ; never ever let him be alone with either daughter.

 

[Dave-W]

You need to have a serious sit-down talk with each of them; probably individually; and then all of you talk together. Outline EXACTLY what you see as inappropriate, and WHY it is inappropriate. Also, what has to happen for the relationship and the marriage to move forward. Be firm.

I would hope that BEFORE you walk down the aisle with this guy you have had counseling and healing from your own sexual abuse. Discuss with the counselor the possibility you may be projecting from your own abuse. I don't think you are, but just to be sure, talk about it.

 

[Hopemadenew]

Its really hard to have a convo with him about it because he is accusing me and putting words in my mouth. I have to be sure of stuff but its hard to have a productive convo about such a sensitive topic. I know I have issues. I had a couple counseling sessions before changing jobs now that i have insurance again I should go back. But right now I'm being treated like a bad guy. O get tired of my feelings being treated like this . maybe I'm crazy but if that's the case that's not going to change any time soon. Sucks being a sensitive woman in such a world

 

[Hopemadenew]

One reason I fell in love with him is because of his gentle sensitivity. He's not being that gentle or sensitive right now just angry because he thinks I've misjudged him.

 

[Hopemadenew]

I need to talk this out apparently, ty for being there for me

 

[Hopemadenew]

You need to have a serious sit-down talk with each of them; probably individually; and then all of you talk together. Outline EXACTLY what you see as inappropriate, and WHY it is inappropriate. Also, what has to happen for the relationship and the marriage to move forward. Be firm.

I would hope that BEFORE you walk down the aisle with this guy you have had counseling and healing from your own sexual abuse. Discuss with the counselor the possibility you may be projecting from your own abuse. I don't think you are, but just to be sure, talk about it.

That's good advice

 

[Runswithdogs]

just angry because he thinks I've misjudged him.

Or possibly because you haven't misjudged him & hes trying to manipulate you.
Id say you have good reason to question his actions & you need to protect your daughters first & formost.