Healing from teenage sex and distorted adult self worth.

[Pcav]

Hello everyone,

This post may very well be in the wrong place and if it is, I apologise. I've come here for help as I am very lost and feel quite defeated. I will try to keep this as short as possible and thank you for reading.

I have been married to a wonderful, kind, and beautiful woman for 7 years. She had been married before and was abused and neglected severely. She grew up in a very dysfunctional family where her only memories of her parents together are tainted by hate and fighting before an inevitable separation. She wasn't instructed in really any aspect of her life or development and went on to lose her virginity at age 14 to her first boyfriend. That went on to become a 7 year relationship based on neglect and control and emotional abuse. She then went on to several more relationships where sex was offered immediately and she never found love or connection but was desperately trying to.

She allowed men to mistreat her and neglect her and through talking to her, I've learned that until we met, she never had a feeling of worth. She doesn't seem to value her body or herself and it always led to this feeling of disconnect with me or even disinterest in me. Before learning these things I just assumed it was something I was doing but it's now easy to see that she is giving me everything she can.

We've made much progress in our lives together but there is still this deep pain and regret and shame in her and in the way she views herself and I as an individual and flawed and likely unqualified man do not know how to cement in her , her intrinsic value as a woman, or as a new creation in Christ. She knows her value to God but doesn't seem able to comprehend her value to herself.

Does anyone know of any books, videos, workshops, lessons, etc. That can help her learn her value and self dignity as she would've ideally been taught by a loving and intentional mother? I want to see her shine and thrive. I treat her well but I want her to have standards for herself that would never tolerate less and to never settle for less ever again. I want her to connect to herself and what it means to me to have her in my life and what it means to me that she shares her body with me. I see her as a blessing and someone to be cherished and she sees herself as anything but that. It feels like in order for us to truly be ONE , we must defeat this demon that haunts her.

I'm sure I left out a whole lot of info but hopefully this gets the general idea out. Thank you again so much for listening and any input that may come my way. It is so appreciated!

 

[.Mikha'el.]

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[Kristen.NewCreation]

Has she sought any counseling for trauma/abuse? What you're describing is quite common in abuse survivors in my experience. Dan Allendar has a book, The Wounded Heart, and there is a workbook too. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse, Revised by Gregory Jantz (I haven't read this one yet, but hear it is good). There are some online support groups that are Christian based if she wanted to attend, and some places offer support for those supporting a survivor of trauma. So that's a possibility for you as her spouse.

I want to encourage you to continue to be patient. They are big issues of her worth and that takes a lot of time and work for many of us to turn around.

I'm sure others here who have been through related issues can provide some resources as well, as well as ideas of what has helped them too. Not everything works for everyone, but it is good to get feedback on a variety of helpful responses of what you might look into.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

First thing she needs to do is forgive herself. Thats a biggie.

Forgiveness always starts with a choice to forgive, or as I prefer to think of it, let go of unforgiveness that she is holding on to.

She also needs to break any soul ties with anyone in her past. Do a google search on soul ties, which is really just a new name for some old teaching.

 

[Christie insb]

I have been dealing with issues.from childhood myself. Please be patient with her. It would be like if she had been burned and had severe scars. God can heal the scars but sometimes He doesn't, or not 100% anyway. I think we would not necessarily expect God to remove those burn scars but somehow we expect the person to be healed from abuse completely. I think this can make people feel like failures for not completely getting over their pasts.

My experience is that I need to be careful who I allow to pray for me. You are her husband and your prayers will be a wonderful blessing to her I am sure. But protect her from people who pray to aggrandize themselves, who do not understand or maybe even care what she's been through.

I have benefitted greatly from professional therapy. I think it has to do with the therapist helping me to accept myself more. Also the very skilled listening a professional can offer a level of feeling understood and being able to let go of things better.

Last, I heard years ago that people with a severe personality disorder can best be helped by a very good husband. Her problems are probably not just like the people with this diagnosis, but I think your love and care.for her can go a long way. You may need support too, because this can be draining.