Healing from Old Hurts

[starryshadows]

Hello,

I was wondering how I can heal from old hurts from my childhood. There is one thing that happened with my brother almost 10 years ago that hurt me as a little girl. He was much older than me and said something to me that was very hurtful to me. I never really talked much with him, and I'm not very close to him now (though on good terms).

For the longest time I thought that I had gotten over what happened. But a few years ago the pain felt just as raw as when it happened. Last night something triggered the memory, and I just broke down crying uncontrollably. I felt like a child again, experiencing it all over again.

I feel foolish because I'm in my twenties and it was long ago that this happened. I doubt my brother even remembers what he said. I don't even understand why what he said hurt me so much. But I just can't stand to have this haunting me.

I've tried thinking logically about it, telling myself, "Well it was so long ago; he didn't mean it the way I took it. It was a high stress moment." And so on. But it doesn't seem to help much.

What should I do? how can I be healed from this painful memory?

 

[ilovejcsog]

Sorry

 

[ilovejcsog]

I think a huge burden will be lifted from you if you tell your brother how you feel. I think you are right that he probably doesn't even realize what he said to you had hurt you so badly. Many are unaware of the hurts they do to others and if they find out they are overcome with regret. I feel he will want so much to relieve you of this sadness you have been hanging on to all this time. Please talk to him. You have nothing to lose and he needs to have the chance to free the rift between you two. How awful it is not to know you have said something that devastated someone and you had no idea you had done such a thing. Give him a chance to rectify it? If nothing else you would have released yourself from it after all these years. Not to mention the guilt you carry for unforgiveness.

 

[starryshadows]

I think a huge burden will be lifted from you if you tell your brother how you feel. I think you are right that he probably doesn't even realize what he said to you had hurt you so badly. Many are unaware of the hurts they do to others and if they find out they are overcome with regret. I feel he will want so much to relieve you of this sadness you have been hanging on to all this time. Please talk to him. You have nothing to lose and he needs to have the chance to free the rift between you two. How awful it is not to know you have said something that devastated someone and you had no idea you had done such a thing. Give him a chance to rectify it? If nothing else you would have released yourself from it after all these years. Not to mention the guilt you carry for unforgiveness.

Thank you...I think I knew I needed to talk to him, I just really didn't want to. I think I've just been fooling myself, trying to ignore it.

Thank you very much for your advice. I'll try to talk to him about it soon.

 

[ilovejcsog]

Thank you...I think I knew I needed to talk to him, I just really didn't want to. I think I've just been fooling myself, trying to ignore it.

Thank you very much for your advice. I'll try to talk to him about it soon.

It is really a very hard thing to do but such a relief when a great burden is lifted. You could write a letter that would be easier and then talk to him in person when you realize where he stands especially if you talk yourself out of it and don't follow through. As impersonal as that is you really need to get it out. I just know and feel how free you will be and probably him also as he has to know the distance between you two and wonders why.

 

[ilovejcsog]

grrrrrrrrrrrr. good grief, the only way I can get it to post is to keep trying and then it doubles, sorry

 

[starryshadows]

grrrrrrrrrrrr. good grief, the only way I can get it to post is to keep trying and then it doubles, sorry

Oh no! That's strange, I wonder why its doing that. That sounds frustrating!

And that's okay, you don't have to apologize

 

[starryshadows]

It is really a very hard thing to do but such a relief when a great burden is lifted. You could write a letter that would be easier and then talk to him in person when you realize where he stands especially if you talk yourself out of it and don't follow through. As impersonal as that is you really need to get it out. I just know and feel how free you will be and probably him also as he has to know the distance between you two and wonders why.

Thank you for your understanding! It really is hard. And I know I will have trouble getting the courage to talk to him about it, if I'm being honest. I like the idea of writing to him. It's a little easier to do that than in person...at least at first.

I just know I'm ready to try and forgive and let go of this, even if I'm scared to talk about it. I wish I had spoken to him earlier about it instead of keeping it inside for so long.

 

[Rescued One]

I'm in my seventies. I remember a lot of verbal abuse among other things. It caused me depression and very low self-esteem. I wouldn't say I recovered. What I can say is that it was a long, long time ago. Of all the people that hurt me deeply, as far as I know, they died without Christ, but I sincerely hope they had deathbed conversions.

God tells us to forgive and be kind to everyone. Be kind to everyone.

Ephesians 4
29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Pray for God to bless your brother.

 

[jkjk]

Thank you for your understanding! It really is hard. And I know I will have trouble getting the courage to talk to him about it, if I'm being honest. I like the idea of writing to him. It's a little easier to do that than in person...at least at first.

I just know I'm ready to try and forgive and let go of this, even if I'm scared to talk about it. I wish I had spoken to him earlier about it instead of keeping it inside for so long.

If you do decide to talk to your brother about this, are you prepared if his response is not what you are hoping for?

For instance, what if he dismisses it or gets upset that you've held a grudge against him since your childhood over something he can't even remember?

I'm not trying to dissuade you from seeking closure with your brother. But if you do, you should be prepared that it may not go the way you hope. I would not want you to get hurt all over again.

You didn't say what your brother said. Although it was very hurtful, if he has never expressed anything similar, maybe it is better to let the past be the past. I know it is hard right now, but maybe this is a test of your capacity to forgive.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Hello,

I was wondering how I can heal from old hurts from my childhood. There is one thing that happened with my brother almost 10 years ago that hurt me as a little girl. He was much older than me and said something to me that was very hurtful to me. I never really talked much with him, and I'm not very close to him now (though on good terms).

For the longest time I thought that I had gotten over what happened. But a few years ago the pain felt just as raw as when it happened. Last night something triggered the memory, and I just broke down crying uncontrollably. I felt like a child again, experiencing it all over again.

I feel foolish because I'm in my twenties and it was long ago that this happened. I doubt my brother even remembers what he said. I don't even understand why what he said hurt me so much. But I just can't stand to have this haunting me.

I've tried thinking logically about it, telling myself, "Well it was so long ago; he didn't mean it the way I took it. It was a high stress moment." And so on. But it doesn't seem to help much.

What should I do? how can I be healed from this painful memory?

Talking to God about them in an open, honest and frank manner is the best way. It is casting your care upon Jesus because He cares for you. And it is not using the polite religious language that you might think God wants to hear, but to be brutally honest with God about what happened and how it affected you. Once you have had a full and frank discussion with God about these things, and this would not be a 5 minute general talk about them by the way, then you renounce the hurt feelings, embarrassment, and any possible demonic influence those events may have had on you. Then receive your freedom in Christ, and believe the Scripture, "If Christ has set you free, you shall be free indeed!"

 

[ilovejcsog]

sorry

 

[ilovejcsog]

I feel badly that I might have pressured you into my way of thinking. Please follow your heart and be brave. Don't let me influence your decision. Even if you don't confront him try and remember we all sin and forgive him for your hurts so that you can be free of it. You seem very tender hearted so be prepared that it may not go smoothly as someone said but if it doesn't you have done what you need to do to forgive him and yourself. Don't worry about my posting. My computer is so slow and I think that is why I have so much problems in posting. You have a nice day and God bless you.

 

[Monk Brendan]

Hello,

I was wondering how I can heal from old hurts from my childhood. There is one thing that happened with my brother almost 10 years ago that hurt me as a little girl. He was much older than me and said something to me that was very hurtful to me. I never really talked much with him, and I'm not very close to him now (though on good terms).

For the longest time I thought that I had gotten over what happened. But a few years ago the pain felt just as raw as when it happened. Last night something triggered the memory, and I just broke down crying uncontrollably. I felt like a child again, experiencing it all over again.

I feel foolish because I'm in my twenties and it was long ago that this happened. I doubt my brother even remembers what he said. I don't even understand why what he said hurt me so much. But I just can't stand to have this haunting me.

I've tried thinking logically about it, telling myself, "Well it was so long ago; he didn't mean it the way I took it. It was a high stress moment." And so on. But it doesn't seem to help much.

What should I do? how can I be healed from this painful memory?

Forgiveness is like peeling an onion. You peel and peel, and cry and cry...

And then there's a new layer.

In the meantime, make an audible act of will to forgive your brother. Then pray that God will help your emotions catch up with what you know is the truth.

 

[gym_class_hero]

the older I get, the more I realize somethings are better left unsaid.

Without knowing the family dynamics, it's hard to give advice but if your brother is a confrontational guy, is it worth causing a family rift over something said long ago?

I hope you have a Christian counselor you can deal with over this.

God bless.

Proverbs 29:11 King James Version (KJV)
11 A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.

 

[Andrew77]

Hello,

I was wondering how I can heal from old hurts from my childhood. There is one thing that happened with my brother almost 10 years ago that hurt me as a little girl. He was much older than me and said something to me that was very hurtful to me. I never really talked much with him, and I'm not very close to him now (though on good terms).

For the longest time I thought that I had gotten over what happened. But a few years ago the pain felt just as raw as when it happened. Last night something triggered the memory, and I just broke down crying uncontrollably. I felt like a child again, experiencing it all over again.

I feel foolish because I'm in my twenties and it was long ago that this happened. I doubt my brother even remembers what he said. I don't even understand why what he said hurt me so much. But I just can't stand to have this haunting me.

I've tried thinking logically about it, telling myself, "Well it was so long ago; he didn't mean it the way I took it. It was a high stress moment." And so on. But it doesn't seem to help much.

What should I do? how can I be healed from this painful memory?

And he likely didn't mean it the way you think, and he likely doesn't remember it, and yes you are being foolish.

Welcome to the family daughter. The family of fools in G-d's kingdom. We all do this. We all remember things that wounded us deeply, and decades later it still bothers us.

I'm not that close with my mother, because of several things she did while growing up. One of them was my sister lied to everyone, and I showed proof of that lie. Not only did my mother reject that my sister had done this, but then accused me of doing something extremely trivial. I still remember the entire confrontation, and the anger in her eyes, at me for pointing out her daughter lied to everyone.

We're Christians. We must forgive. Contact your pastor, and just meet with him, and tell him everything that is hurting you. Then move forward. Bring a girlfriend you trust, to the meeting. Just tell her you need her for moral support. Then just tell your pastor what is on your heart.

 

[SleepingAtLast]

I think it's awesome that you are looking to work through that instead of burying it. Working through things like that takes a lot of courage. The one thing I feel I can say for certain is that, assuming that what he said was something about you personally, you believe on some level that there may be some truth to it. So it may come down to working through if you believe what he said in any way and why you believe it, and then meeting those lies with truth out of the identity you have as a precious creation of God and as a born-again child of His.

 

[Joined2krist]

It is difficult but forgive him. Let go of those thoughts, don't entertain them, if they creep into your mind, you can simply say "well, it doesn't matter anymore, he's human, he made a mistake, and I forgive him" you might need to do this a couple of times before it sinks on gradually. God bless

 

[starryshadows]

Thank you very much to everyone for all your advice; it's been incredibly valuable for me. I'm really grateful for the guidance. I think after hearing what everyone has to say, I don't want to bring it up to my brother after all. I don't want to make things worse...

I'm going to tell God about what happened and then pray He will give me the strength to forgive him and let go of this once and for all. I know I've said things I wish I could take back; how can I hold back giving him forgiveness I'd hope for from others? Especially because I don't think he meant it to hurt me like it did. I want to let this go.

 

[jgal]

It sounds like you went through something pretty painful when you were younger and it was not much fun to relive it again recently. When I am having trouble understanding things from my past, it helps me to journal about it. Also, since you are on good terms with your brother it may be helpful to write him a letter and then follow up with a phone call or face to face meeting to resolve the issue. I hope you two can find some peace on the matter. I'll be praying for you.