He was an answer to prayer but it was all wrong

[Redemption25]

Deleted content. Thread closed. Thanks to all who replied.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

I never thought about it when I was busy all those years, but now I look back and I believe that God did want me to be single because no one ever showed up, except for now, and yet, this too is unattainable.

I get that feeling, and I've has some similar kind of thoughts, but I think sometimes we do need to let go a bit on these things. Not that they are wrong, but they are not super high on God's priorities list and they can become idols, but they are things he is willing to grant in time etc.



John 12
24Truly, truly, I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a seed; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

 

[thelord's_pearl]

Wow I see that you're currently 36 and you said that he's everything except that he is 20 years younger which would make him 16. I'm so sorry to hear about this Redemption25, this sounds Satanic, not from God. I would say the way to freedom is to pray again and follow/love Jesus with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. God bless you!

 

[Redemption25]

Deleted.

 

[bèlla]

It didn't take long, only a few months later, when I met this guy out of nowhere, and in tmhe most unusual way. He stood out to me because he matched all the qualities that I still cherished and desired.

Before I returned to God I found the one I sought. He epitomized everything I desired in a man and was my match in every way. When I came to faith and encountered Christian men I revolted. I'd tasted heaven. The difference was too striking. I refused to marry. I was giving up too much and was content to remain alone. But the Lord intervened and reiterated the necessity of settling down.

As a result, I've needed to make adjustments. Most Christian men lack the relational experience their secular peers possess. While I was content with prospects in their mid-to-late thirties on the secular end, I realized more than a few had little to no encounters with my sex. I lowered the bar a tad to accommodate them.

Just wondering what others on this forum think of my experience, if they've had something similiar.. it's just very lonely keeping it all inside.

I met someone who was 29 a couple of years ago. He laid everything out and proposed marriage more than once. He talked me into the connection. I felt he was too young. But he's exceptional and would make a wonderful husband. I can't deny that.

The men I find most attractive aren't plentiful on this side of the aisle. I've encountered 2 in 3 years. But I have a boundary nonetheless. I'm not a cougar. I don't esteem youth. I like confidence, charisma, and leadership. And they're very handsome. That's my type.

I believe in telling the truth. If you find yourself attracted to someone beyond an acceptable threshold you must ask why. If they're adults the road is open. Otherwise, you must address the matter in prayer.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Redemption25]

Deleted

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

When I was in my early 20's, I used to pray to God for a husband with certain qualities that I cherished and desired. Sometime later as the years went on, I stopped praying completely,

He was everything and more that I ever dreamed of, and yet it was so wrong. First off, he wasn't a Christian

The above quoted text says it all. Thanks for cautionary tale.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Still curious as to why you think he was an answer to prayer, however, when the Bible says not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.

 

[Rachel20]

I only have an amusing anecdote if you're grappling with the scripture not to be unequally yoked. My unsaved cousin was sitting in a jail cell during the time his future wife was praying for a husband. They later met & married & he eventually became a wonderful Christian. They loved to joke how God picked her out a jailbird. But I wonder if they were really ever unequally yoked if God knew he was going to be saved (?)

 

[Redemption25]

Deleted.

 

[Redemption25]

Deleted.

 

[Redemption25]

Deleted.

 

[bèlla]

Thanks for responding. You said that 'most Christian men lack the relational experience their secular peers possess'. Can you expand on that a little? I don't know anything about that and am curious.

The men I date are assertive, confident, outgoing and great conversationalists. Their intellect and personas are magnetic. Women are drawn to them. They're self-aware and select for fit. They don't do maybes. They pursue the companions who suit them best. They don't operate from a place of fear or scarcity. They know what they bring to the table and it informs their choices and behavior.

They're not afraid to be alone...wait...or relinquish an opportunity. Because they know themselves. You don't choose them. They choose you. Just because you like them won't make you a bride. They'll have nothing less than a pearl. They won't compromise themselves for companionship.

Their identities aren't predicated on marriage or being partnered. They don't need a woman to feel whole. Nor are they subject or subjugated by the fairer sex. Their masculinity isn't dependent on a woman's presence for sustenance. They're men and glory in being a man with all its responsibilities and hardships. They would never debase themselves with one who didn't recognize their essence or honor it. They engage from a position of strength and authority.

That emits a different odor from those sending messages in the hope she'll consent to engage and consider him. You've placed all the power in her hands and receive the requisite treatment in response. That's a weakened approach. When you lead with need and insecurity you rarely attain the thing you want. Because you can't attract it.

What separates the two is self-knowledge, a willingness to address deficiencies, a keen awareness of the opposite sex, and the ones best suited for them. They don't waste time on dead ends or give them an audience. They bring the best package they can to the table. They don't look for partners if their life's a mess. They clean it up and get back in the saddle. They know they're being scrutinized and won't compromise their opportunities by presenting a wreck. How will you prove your ability to do what you say if you're not in a position to do so?

They would never pawn themselves on a woman. They desire to be her place of strength, respite, etc. If that isn't the case they fix it. When you talk about sharing your life with someone. It's more than a warm bed or comfort for your loneliness. That isn't a compelling reason to swear fealty until death. How are you enriching her? How is her life bettered by your presence? If you can't answer that you have no business looking. And not just answer it. But execute it too.

That's what I had and I found him twice. Can I do it a third time? Probably. I know his scent.

So you didn't marry the 29 year old man because he was too much younger than you ? It sounds like he had the qualities what you were looking for. Do you think that he ever would have become a Christian because of your influence?

He's a believer. We've been around the bend twice. It always comes back to us and wedding bells. We're very compatible. But he wants a stay-at-home wife. Someone whose focus is marriage, family and philanthropy. I can't set aside my purpose. If I wasn't called to the marketplace I'd do it. He's a good man.

I hate the term cougar.. I think its really gross. Afterall, a woman should not be pursuing a man ever, no matter what her age is.

I want a man. Not a boy. That requires a measure of life experience, maturity and self-awareness. He can't lead me if he's lacking vision and hands-on encounters. I'm not wearing the pants.

I like all the same qualities as you, for sure. Beauty or handsomeness is not a physical thing so much, as an inward thing. I think people bond through an emotional connection, which is why I also value all the qualities that make a soulmate. It is my connection to this guy that is like that. We have something special, I can't put my finger on it, I've never felt like this before. If you read my other post I wrote that he is a fully mature adult who has had several relationships already, while I have never had one.

I don't believe you're helping yourself by focusing on him. You know the stumbling block. The more you fixate on him the greater the likelihood you'll cross the line. If anything, the situation should reveal your weaknesses. The susceptibility is there. Don't tell yourself it isn't.

When I found the one I wanted I wasn't walking with God. I believe He intervened to prevent the union. He was an atheist and the likelihood of finding faith in that situation was next to none. We rekindled the connection a few years later 'as friends' or so I hoped. But he wasn't having it. I put barriers in place to prevent me from making a mistake. I loved the Lord but I'm not a fool.

We conversed by email. I didn't get on the phone. It was a few years before we did. I've known him a long time and he made his intentions clear within a week. If I was confused he unconfused me pretty fast. I would never be his friend. I wanted to. He was easy to talk with and very knowledgeable. But in his mind I'm a pearl and not a pal. He didn't budge. I shared my faith and he softened a lot. But I never forgot what he wanted.

We spoke on the phone eventually. It's one thing to hear a person's heart through text and another to have it in your ear. He told me he wanted me to be his until death. It was too much. I broke down in tears. Because I wanted the same. I forsook my heart for my faith. It was the right choice. But it hurt like hell.

I think you should view the situation in its rightful light. The experience allowed you to see you could forge a connection with the opposite sex. Take the knowledge you've gained and apply it towards an opportunity that's mutually edifying. Stoking a yearning you cannot sate is ruinous. The temptation will grow with every recollection. You need to put it to rest.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Yes. I guess maybe because he matches everything perfectly that I prayed for to the letter in all aspects and more .. It's surreal. I feel like he does have potential to become a Christian, but the other blocks are definitely showing me that it would be impossible to have a relationship. I guess in hindsight he wasn't an answer to my prayer, but it has to mean something. This didn't happen by accident. I'm confused.

Many Christians marry non Christians. I see it all the time. It's not a sin, but I know it's not God's best for us. It could be a very difficult life. It's a gamble. As a woman, I personally don't think I would ever marry a non Christian man. His head would not be God.

If God says not to do something and we do it, then it is sin. And in the case of intimate relations, God says not to be unequally yoked. As a Christian that believes the scripture is the sole authority for faith in practice, that's where I stand.

 

[bèlla]

Yes. I guess maybe because he matches everything perfectly that I prayed for to the letter in all aspects and more .. It's surreal. I feel like he does have potential to become a Christian, but the other blocks are definitely showing me that it would be impossible to have a relationship. I guess in hindsight he wasn't an answer to my prayer, but it has to mean something. This didn't happen by accident. I'm confused.

As a rule, men take longer to come to faith than women in spiritual mismatches. I’ve known several who waited more than 20 years. The tenure was especially lengthy for those who knowingly married against the bible’s teachings. I read every book on the subject and connected with Christian leaders ministering to women in this predicament.

You can read Lynn’s story and learn more about her ministry. It took 27 years for her husband to yield to God!

Every encounter isn’t from the Lord. He doesn’t tempt us to sin. Satan sends people our way. I’ve encountered a few. Men of God draw us closer to Him. Not in the opposite direction. He should challenge you to be more Christ-like and demonstrate the same in his countenance.

A little sandpaper is good in the right measure.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Redemption25]

As a rule, men take longer to come to faith than women in spiritual mismatches. I’ve known several who waited more than 20 years. The tenure was especially lengthy for those who knowingly married against the bible’s teachings. I read every book on the subject and connected with Christian leaders ministering to women in this predicament.

You can read Lynn’s story and learn more about her ministry. It took 27 years for her husband to yield to God!

Every encounter isn’t from the Lord. He doesn’t tempt us to sin. Satan sends people our way. I’ve encountered a few. Men of God draw us closer to Him. Not in the opposite direction. He should challenge you to be more Christ-like and demonstrate the same in his countenance.

A little sandpaper is good in the right measure.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

Thank you so much for your helpfulness. I will write more tomorrow as it is late, but for now, I just wanted to express that I have had fears he has been sent from satan... as in a satanic attack to take my attention away from God. Being in this unrequited love state will do that.. So this has both scared and saddened me greatly, because then what we have is not love..? But at the same time, I see he is respectful of my faith and actually encourages me and supports me (as long as I don't tell him haha but of course it is not to be forced), and I think that is why he likes me so much because I display the fruits of the Spirit which he finds attractive. One time he told me after watching me that he was closer to believing. I was very touched. He also is very concerned for my safety and wants to take care of me and protect me. I care for him and his soul, also. It's very confusing.. I really wish God would tell me .. I pray for him everyday for his salvation, and I have hoped that he will be Raptured when the time comes which I believe is soon. Maybe I met him because God is showing me my eternal companion and that we could have a wonderful relationship in Heaven and then in the New Heaven and New Earth, to whatever extent that God allows. I guess that is kind of crazy to believe that, huh? But at the very least, it's not crazy to pray and believe that he will be saved.

 

[Redemption25]

If God says not to do something and we do it, then it is sin. And in the case of intimate relations, God says not to be unequally yoked. As a Christian that believes the scripture is the sole authority for faith in practice, that's where I stand.

I didn't know that being unequally yoked is a sin. It's not in the 10 commandments. Can you show me a scripture you feel, says it is a sin ? I always believed it was a recommendation from Go,d as this was His best for us, and we would have a chance at a better life with being equally yoked. Perhaps being blessed, too. How do you account for a person that comes to Christ through their spouse, while being married? I guess it would not have been God's Will for them to get married, even so? Does the sin get cancelled out once they are saved? We are saved by grace through faith alone, and not of works, but I understand that sin comes with conseqeuences, even so.

 

[bèlla]

Thank you so much for your helpfulness.

I'm happy to help.

I have had fears he has been sent from satan... as in a satanic attack to take my attention away from God. Being in this unrequited love state will do that..

Remove your feelings and look at the situation practically.

• You encountered him while walking with God. You were not an unbeliever when you met.
• Your feelings for him are carnal. Not platonic.
• You believe he's the answer to your prayer for a companion.

How does a connection with these conditions glorify Him? What is the likely result?

• He respects your beliefs and expects the same in return.
• He's concerned for your welfare and wants to protect you.
• You care for him and his soul.

Does this sound like ministry or a relationship? What steps has he taken outside of you to become more acquainted with God?

I'll contrast what you've shared with my experience.

• We've been acquainted for 15 years.
• We've never dated or been physically intimate. Not even a kiss.
• We don't live in the same place.
• Our conversations were limited to email when I came to faith.
• My church, bible studies, and Christian ministries were praying on our behalf. I kept us on the prayer list every month.
• I read multiple books about spiritual mismatches and connected with Christian leaders ministering to that group to keep me accountable.
• I didn't do this in secret. Every one knew what I was doing.
• I labored for his salvation for 7 years until my service was done.

Our limited proximity and tenure of acquaintance were the primary reasons I assisted him. Distance prevented us from crossing the line. I wasn't in his face or ear. That would be grievous to both.

You aren't ministering to him. You're keeping company with an unbeliever you're falling for. He'll accept your faith if it gives him the spoils he seeks. Every accommodation leads you further from God. The more it progresses the more you'll want him. Be honest with yourself.

You can't go by feelings alone. I engaged with someone recently and the Lord pricked my spirit. He said the connection was too carnal and 'we' were the focus. He wanted greater balance in our discourse. He had me pray for him to hear my heart. Praying opened my eyes and centered me. I saw him in a different light. I was astounded by his beauty.

Surrender him and your desire for companionship to the Lord. He won't lead you astray. He addresses all my prospects. He gives me counsel, encourages prayer, and reminds me of my greatest needs. I get a lot of correction too.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[thelord's_pearl]

That's a wonderful story with a happy ending. It's amazing to hear of things like this happening, too. I have one story, similar. When I younger I knew a man who was a Christian and he went to a bar, and he met a prostitute there. He fell in love with her and they married. She also became a Christian. It's a wonderful story of him rescuing her. They looked great together, and were very happy together.

Even though God knew your cousin would become a Christian, I would say they were probably unequally yoked when they married, but when he became a Christian they were yoked together. However, it could be argued that this was predestined because of her prayers and God knowing beforehand that this union was blessed. Hmmm.. life sure is mysterious, isn't it? Thanks for sharing.

No he would have to be a Christian first and then you can date/marry him, otherwise you've got to stay friends and not close friends, only be there for him to get him closer to God as you cannot be unequally yoked.

 

[Redemption25]

The men I date are assertive, confident, outgoing and great conversationalists. Their intellect and personas are magnetic. Women are drawn to them. They're self-aware and select for fit. They don't do maybes. They pursue the companions who suit them best. They don't operate from a place of fear or scarcity. They know what they bring to the table and it informs their choices and behavior.

They're not afraid to be alone...wait...or relinquish an opportunity. Because they know themselves. You don't choose them. They choose you. Just because you like them won't make you a bride. They'll have nothing less than a pearl. They won't compromise themselves for companionship.

Their identities aren't predicated on marriage or being partnered. They don't need a woman to feel whole. Nor are they subject or subjugated by the fairer sex. Their masculinity isn't dependent on a woman's presence for sustenance. They're men and glory in being a man with all its responsibilities and hardships. They would never debase themselves with one who didn't recognize their essence or honor it. They engage from a position of strength and authority.

That emits a different odor from those sending messages in the hope she'll consent to engage and consider him. You've placed all the power in her hands and receive the requisite treatment in response. That's a weakened approach. When you lead with need and insecurity you rarely attain the thing you want. Because you can't attract it.

What separates the two is self-knowledge, a willingness to address deficiencies, a keen awareness of the opposite sex, and the ones best suited for them. They don't waste time on dead ends or give them an audience. They bring the best package they can to the table. They don't look for partners if their life's a mess. They clean it up and get back in the saddle. They know they're being scrutinized and won't compromise their opportunities by presenting a wreck. How will you prove your ability to do what you say if you're not in a position to do so?

They would never pawn themselves on a woman. They desire to be her place of strength, respite, etc. If that isn't the case they fix it. When you talk about sharing your life with someone. It's more than a warm bed or comfort for your loneliness. That isn't a compelling reason to swear fealty until death. How are you enriching her? How is her life bettered by your presence? If you can't answer that you have no business looking. And not just answer it. But execute it too.

That's what I had and I found him twice. Can I do it a third time? Probably. I know his scent.



He's a believer. We've been around the bend twice. It always comes back to us and wedding bells. We're very compatible. But he wants a stay-at-home wife. Someone whose focus is marriage, family and philanthropy. I can't set aside my purpose. If I wasn't called to the marketplace I'd do it. He's a good man.



I want a man. Not a boy. That requires a measure of life experience, maturity and self-awareness. He can't lead me if he's lacking vision and hands-on encounters. I'm not wearing the pants.



I don't believe you're helping yourself by focusing on him. You know the stumbling block. The more you fixate on him the greater the likelihood you'll cross the line. If anything, the situation should reveal your weaknesses. The susceptibility is there. Don't tell yourself it isn't.

When I found the one I wanted I wasn't walking with God. I believe He intervened to prevent the union. He was an atheist and the likelihood of finding faith in that situation was next to none. We rekindled the connection a few years later 'as friends' or so I hoped. But he wasn't having it. I put barriers in place to prevent me from making a mistake. I loved the Lord but I'm not a fool.

We conversed by email. I didn't get on the phone. It was a few years before we did. I've known him a long time and he made his intentions clear within a week. If I was confused he unconfused me pretty fast. I would never be his friend. I wanted to. He was easy to talk with and very knowledgeable. But in his mind I'm a pearl and not a pal. He didn't budge. I shared my faith and he softened a lot. But I never forgot what he wanted.

We spoke on the phone eventually. It's one thing to hear a person's heart through text and another to have it in your ear. He told me he wanted me to be his until death. It was too much. I broke down in tears. Because I wanted the same. I forsook my heart for my faith. It was the right choice. But it hurt like hell.

I think you should view the situation in its rightful light. The experience allowed you to see you could forge a connection with the opposite sex. Take the knowledge you've gained and apply it towards an opportunity that's mutually edifying. Stoking a yearning you cannot sate is ruinous. The temptation will grow with every recollection. You need to put it to rest.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

Your description of the perfect man is compelling.. I have never known any man in my entire life, I don't think, who fits that description. It really sounds like a fantasy, yet you met him twice! It must say a lot about you, I think.. You sound like a very special woman. I believe you that you can smell him.

My gut wrenched and tears welled up in my eyes where you say that you broke down in tears when he said that he wanted you until death. Through my own experience, I can easily imagine that it hurt like hell..

You're very right that stoking a yearning I cannot sate is ruinous. It was happening like you said and it was literally killing me. Temptation kept on growing with every recollection and every encounter I had with him.. Thank you.