He stares at

[Beth S.]

pretty females all the time we are out in public. Not just look and admire and turn away but really STARES! It makes me uncomfortable and feel disgusting at the same time! I try not to let this bother me, but it does, BADLY. I've brought it to his attention quite a few times. He says he never even notices he does it. I find that hard to believe. I don't mind him admiring beauty but to keep staring is not right in my opinion. He says he's always struggled with this and it's hard for him to stop. He will look their body up and down and stare at their butts! It's so obvious and it's terrible in my eyes! I told him he needs to seek help but I don't even know what he can do to help this! I even tried to overlook it but I can't!!! Especially since he's doing this when he's with me and sometimes when our kids are with us as well. Any suggestions?!!?!

 

[Dave-W]

You mean other than getting the snot beaten out of him by the jealous husband of one of those "pretty females?" Or a string of them?

Talk to your pastor. Marriage counseling may be an option. Clearly this is a long standing habit. They die a very hard death.

 

[grasping the after wind]

Not good ones but if you really want the behavior to stop, call him on it while it is going on and every time it is going on. Even more effective would be to call him out publicly in the presence of those he is staring at and embarrass the heck out of him every time. Now, I am not advising you to do this and if you do decide to, be sure that you are prepared for the blow back if you do that but if you can handle that blow back I wager that the behavior would end fairly quickly. You might try whispering in his ear that you will do what I said if he doesn't stop.

 

[Beth S.]

You mean other than getting the snot beaten out of him by the jealous husband of one of those "pretty females?" Or a string of them?

Talk to your pastor. Marriage counseling may be an option. Clearly this is a long standing habit. They die a very hard death.

Do you think it should be a marriage counseling thing or a himself thing? They are normally single females that I've noticed. We live in a college town so lots of those!

 

[Beth S.]

Not good ones but if you really want the behavior to stop, call him on it while it is going on and every time it is going on. Even more effective would be to call him out publicly in the presence of those he is staring at and embarrass the heck out of him every time. Now, I am not advising you to do this and if you do decide to, be sure that you are prepared for the blow back if you do that but if you can handle that blow back I wager that the behavior would end fairly quickly. You might try whispering in his ear that you will do what I said if he doesn't stop.

He wants me to call him out on it but I don't feel I should have to... I don't like having to. :-(

 

[grasping the after wind]

He wants me to call him out on it but I don't feel I should have to... I don't like having to. :-(

Of course not . Who would? Do you think that it is his intention to make you feel responsible for his inappropriate behavior by placing the onus on you to be the one to stop it from occurring?

 

[Beth S.]

Of course not . Who would? Do you think that it is his intention to make you feel responsible for his inappropriate behavior by placing the onus on you to be the one to stop it from occurring?

No, maybe he's thinking it'll help him if I point it out to him all the time?? Not sure but I don't feel like that's fair that I should have to do that when this is his problem and I feel he needs to take care of it. I guess I also find it very hard to believe that as aware of his surroundings as he is that he really has no idea that he's doing this!

 

[maintenance man]

Do you think it should be a marriage counseling thing or a himself thing?

It's your husbands problem. He has a bad habit and needs help gaining control.

If he's committed it should be fairly easy to resolve.

 

[Beth S.]

It's your husbands problem. He has a bad habit and needs help gaining control.

If he's committed it should be fairly easy to resolve.

How is it easy? He keeps saying it's the devil and it's hard for him because he doesn't notice that he's doing it.

 

[maintenance man]

How is it easy? He keeps saying it's the devil and it's hard for him because he doesn't notice that he's doing it.

With the help of a qualified therapist breaking a bad habit is a simple matter of following prescribed steps.

He doesn't notice because it's natural for men to look at attractive women. It takes a good measure of self-control to turn that off. That can be learned.

 

[Beth S.]

With the help of a qualified therapist breaking a bad habit is a simple matter of following prescribed steps.

He doesn't notice because it's natural for men to look at attractive women. It takes a good measure of self-control to turn that off. That can be learned.

Yeah I don't mind noticing a pretty lady but I do have a problem with long staring etc. Thanks I will recommend him seeing a therapsit.

 

[Roseonathorn]

How is it easy? He keeps saying it's the devil and it's hard for him because he doesn't notice that he's doing it.

So He is literally staring at two round mommas. Well go sit on the couch and hang them nicely take a bare picture of Yourself, edit it nicely with light etc. Print them out on an A5 or A6 or A4 and put them through a laminator or put bookplast on the top. Be ready to chock him the next time he stares. He probably stares at bares on internet too so pull up your picture to his eyes when there is not an awful lot of people around you and tell him that one about the devil, will you, maybe he get so flabberghasted that he start to stare at what You might be doing instead.

 

[Roseonathorn]

I once told my husband in church now you are staring at so and sos x again, do you think it would be appropriate that I stare at your or her husbands x or do You mind if someone is staring at me? Well he did not seem to mind. Only told me not to have the threeletterword. So I felt a bit grumbly, like I don’t understand men.

 

[Beth S.]

I once told my husband in church now you are staring at so and sos x again, do you think it would be appropriate that I stare at your or her husbands x or do You mind if someone is staring at me? Well he did not seem to mind. Only told me not to have the threeletterword. So I felt a bit grumbly, like I don’t understand men.

Yes, I asked my hubby if it would bother him if I was staring at another man and he said no, as well, just don't cheat on him. UGH!

 

[Guy Incognito]

It doesn't seem unreasonable or bad for him to ask for your help in this in calling him out. If it's a genuine request, which it seems like it is (based on the limited info), I don't see why you wouldn't. This doesn't make it your problem - it's still his, but it brings you into helping him get through it.

My wife and I used to share a pinterest board, and at points some of the things I added to it were a little too focused on a certain thing - she lovingly pointed it out to me, and I needed that - I hadn't realized I had done so (I should have, it was clear - but I hadn't). She wasn't angry, she was very empathetic and understanding about it.

I'd also recommend he bring this struggle to a solid Christian brother he can walk through it with, who will help keep him in check.

And what really helped me in my younger years with the 'staring' (and now on the rare time temptation flares) was instantly praying - it would get my mind and eyes away, and turn them to God and hand that moment to Him.

Hope this is helpful.

 

[Dave-W]

Do you think it should be a marriage counseling thing or a himself thing? They are normally single females that I've noticed. We live in a college town so lots of those!

Single, married, whatever. Hard to know the difference unless you are up close and can see the ring finger.

Talk to your pastor. You have confronted him so that is the first step in the Matthew 18 process. The next is to get witnesses to agree with you this is wrong and needs to stop. Perhaps your pastor will know how best to proceed from here.

 

[Beth S.]

It doesn't seem unreasonable or bad for him to ask for your help in this in calling him out. If it's a genuine request, which it seems like it is (based on the limited info), I don't see why you wouldn't. This doesn't make it your problem - it's still his, but it brings you into helping him get through it.

My wife and I used to share a pinterest board, and at points some of the things I added to it were a little too focused on a certain thing - she lovingly pointed it out to me, and I needed that - I hadn't realized I had done so (I should have, it was clear - but I hadn't). She wasn't angry, she was very empathetic and understanding about it.

I'd also recommend he bring this struggle to a solid Christian brother he can walk through it with, who will help keep him in check.

And what really helped me in my younger years with the 'staring' (and now on the rare time temptation flares) was instantly praying - it would get my mind and eyes away, and turn them to God and hand that moment to Him.

Hope this is helpful.

So when your wife brought that to you did you stop and never do it again? (pinterest issue) The problem I'm having is I've brought it up maybe 4-5 times very sweet and nice and now I'm getting angry about it since he continues to do it and still hasn't seeked any help... *sigh* I'm at a loss.

 

[Sparagmos]

pretty females all the time we are out in public. Not just look and admire and turn away but really STARES! It makes me uncomfortable and feel disgusting at the same time! I try not to let this bother me, but it does, BADLY. I've brought it to his attention quite a few times. He says he never even notices he does it. I find that hard to believe. I don't mind him admiring beauty but to keep staring is not right in my opinion. He says he's always struggled with this and it's hard for him to stop. He will look their body up and down and stare at their butts! It's so obvious and it's terrible in my eyes! I told him he needs to seek help but I don't even know what he can do to help this! I even tried to overlook it but I can't!!! Especially since he's doing this when he's with me and sometimes when our kids are with us as well. Any suggestions?!!?!

I think there is some good advice here. I’d like to add that what your husband is doing is not only disrespectful to you, it is very disrespectful to the women he is doing it to. In my experience only immature men are “obvious” starers, and the ones that are over 25 and still do it are disrespectful of women in general. So you are doing the right thing to hold your husband accountable for behavior that is disrespectful to women.

 

[eleos1954]

No, maybe he's thinking it'll help him if I point it out to him all the time?? Not sure but I don't feel like that's fair that I should have to do that when this is his problem and I feel he needs to take care of it. I guess I also find it very hard to believe that as aware of his surroundings as he is that he really has no idea that he's doing this!

well ... maybe give it a go ... and see what happens ... not in a confrontational way ... whenever he does it ... look him right in the eyes and just ask him ... What are you thinking about right now? I know that it is his problem ... however ... his problem is creating a problem for you. It is very disrespectful and can easily lead to other things ... and he knows he's doing it, him denying that is baloney. One can't look at anything and have something come to mind. I mean you see a pen ... you think pen ... you see an apple and you think apple ... ummmm .... you see a woman's behind and you think .... apple? Now if you don't want to think "apple" ... don't look at the apple.

Sorry you are having to go through this. Praying for you.

 

[anna ~ grace]

So when your wife brought that to you did you stop and never do it again? (pinterest issue) The problem I'm having is I've brought it up maybe 4-5 times very sweet and nice and now I'm getting angry about it since he continues to do it and still hasn't seeked any help... *sigh* I'm at a loss.

I agree with maybe getting a mature, wise, loving Christian brother or mentor involved. This is, in this case, kind of a guy thing. Bringing it to a brother in Christ to help guide your husband a bit wouldn't be a bad idea.