He Says I'm The Reason For His Anxiety

[BabyLightMyWay]

I came on here earlier to talk about my friend who has an anxiety disorder but my thread got deleted during the update. He took himself off his medication in like September or October, and ever since then, we had on and off fights. We would get into a stage where we would be the closest friends and our relationship would be fine, but then something tiny would happen, and he and I would argue and then not talk for a bit (because he wanted his space). Then we'd be fine. Recently, we went a long time being fine, but then, it all snapped and broke apart. Even more recently, his anxiety has gotten worse and worse to the point where he can't be in a room with me without feeling nervous. I asked him what he needed me to do, and that really set him off. He went into a really bad state (not like the panic attacks he'd usually have) and went from being rational and talking things over with me calmly to screaming at me, throwing things, and kicking walls. I was really scared for both him and me, so I called our religious adviser on campus for help and he talked to him to calm him down.

But before that explosion happened, he started telling me that it was my fault he was like this. The conversation went something like:
"You're the reason I feel this way. I don't feel anxious around anyone else except you."
"Why? What am I doing?"
"Nothing! It's just my mind!"
"But you just said it's my fault."
"No it's not! Stop saying that!"
And it would go around in circles...

A few weeks prior to this, he and I got into a fight. That triggered something in him and he called me, saying how sorry he was and how he didn't know what to do. We'd been at a crossroads in our relationship, and I told him that he needed to be honest with me on how he saw me. I expected him to tell me that he wanted me out of his life, but instead he said, "I love you. ...I love you. I really love you. I love you." He drove to my dorm and sat in the parking lot and had a panic attack shortly after so I spent the rest of the night sitting with him, talking, and trying to calm him down. He talked a lot about not being sure if we should be together, and he had a really bad relationship a few years prior so I understood his hesitancy. He went back and forth on the idea, then stopped talking about it, and then came back to it at the end of the night. I saw how upset he was so I told him not to make a decision.

A few weeks after that, he told me he wanted me to not talk to him for the rest of the semester. He said he lied when he told me he loved me, and our religious adviser talked to the both of us and made me go along with this, though it was all thrown on me out of nowhere. I was really upset... But after only a week, he was already saying hi to me and wanting to talk to me. Which is what led to me asking what he needed me to do and him getting set off.

I'm sorry this is a long post, and I don't even think I summarized it properly, but what am I doing to cause his anxiety? Am I really? How can I help him? It hurts me so much because everyone I've talked to says I'm not doing anything at all, but he gets so angry whenever I care about him. He says so many things that contradict things he's said earlier, and he can't remember saying some things to me. He's having trouble believing anyone around him... Right now, our religious adviser wants to get him help, but he wants me out of his life during the process. That hurts me a lot. I'm scared he'll associate his anxiety with me after he gets better. I don't know what to do... I don't care if we don't end up together. I just want him to get better. This isn't the real him at all.

 

[UnitynLove]

sometimes people have so much problems that they take it out on the closet person to them. It not your fault, they are going through so much that they feel they need to take it out on you. Forgive him and pray for him and continue to love him, knowing that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Listen to this example at 00:22-02:19 I believe this describes you situation perfectly. YouTube - Don't Give Away Your Power Pt. 3

 

[BabyLightMyWay]

I am loving him and praying for him, but it sounds like my religious adviser's solution is for me to get out of his life. I don't want to do that. I feel like I'd be abandoning him... but because I make him so angry that he throws things and he can't even be in the same room with me without feeling anxious, my adviser thinks the best decision is for me to go away. It hurts me a lot. I want an active role in helping him, and I feel like I'd be abandoning him otherwise. If I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets upset and says "I don't know!"

And if I'm not actively involved in this, I feel like no one else will do anything to help him. I had to call up my adviser and a close friend to tell them how he's been lashing out and I'm worried about them for anyone to actually take this situation seriously. I feel so helpless... I have no idea why I upset him so much. All I do is listen to him vent when he gets in his anxiety attacks and try to help him work through them. Why do I make him get to this state?

 

[BobW188]

You don't. He and he alone is responsible for getting off his meds and staying off them for all these months. He had every reason to know that his anxiety and panic attacks would recur and he is being dishonest in shifting the blame to you.

I'm not clear what training your religious adviser has had in the treatment of these disorders. Is he or she a master's level clinical psychologist or social worker? A psychiatrist? If not, is he or she consulting with professionals in these fields? I'm in no way denying that there are religious and spiritual aspects to this situation; but there are equally obvious medical/psychiatric ones. To the extent I can put myself in your adviser's shoes, I think he/she sees that you, through no fault of your own, are triggering your friend's behaviors and that the situation is not going to be brought under control until you stand aside for awhile. There's also the obvious potential for him to go from screaming at you to hitting you, from kicking walls to kicking you. That's hardly going to help matters.
So, take the advice and stand aside for awhile. It's not a life sentence. And if the relationship resumes later, make it clear that you expect him to stay on his meds unless the prescribing doctor takes him off.

 

[PolarBear3]

I agree with BobW. There's no reason for you to take the blame for this. This is not your fault. He has to make the choice to get help or not. You can encourage him, but ultimately it's *his* choice.

I know you care deeply about him, but you need to take care of yourself too. You don't deserve to be screamed at or in an argument where he's throwing things. Don't stick around during that kind of behavior. Leave. Ask him to call you when he's calmed down. And as much as you want to help him, it's important to realize when your relationship isn't working. If he isn't treating you well (and it doesn't sound like he is), then it may be time to distance yourself from him - at least until he gets the help that he needs.

Also, if you haven't already, educate yourself about mental illness. That may help you refuse to take blame and also to put the responsibility on him for getting help.

I hope that helps.

 

[BabyLightMyWay]

Thanks for your responses. I guess I know it's not my fault but it's so hard when he believes it to be. He'll look at me with such angry eyes like I'm torturing him, and I don't know what I'm doing at all. It hurts so much because I want to help him but I have no idea what to do. I don't want to step back because I don't want him to forever think that I did this to him or that I don't care. I want to do something, anything to let him know I'm there...

 

[BobW188]

Accept that he is manipulating you. True, that may be partly because of his condition; but it's still manipulation and a cop-out. The more he denies his own responsibility for his own actions, the longer his problem is going to last and the worse it's going to get.
Unfortunately, it's all-too-human to blame others for what we do. The alcoholic drinks and the addict drugs because his wife "drives" him to it or his boss "hates" him. Nonsense. In both cases, and in your friend's, there is a disease process at work. Neither you nor he are responsible for the disease; but he is responsible to do what he can to ameliorate or cure it. That means, among other things, not trashing the meds that were helping him.
I'm going to have to take issue with your signature. It would read better as "There's no failiure here sweetheart. You did all you could." If your friend does his part, then soon enough there will be ways you can offer love and support but, though I'm not quite clear on your advisor's credentials and hope there are other professionals at work here, I think the basic advice is good. Stand aside. The most loving thing you can do may be to let your friend face the consequences of his actions without you there for him to blame.

 

[UnitynLove]

I am loving him and praying for him, but it sounds like my religious adviser's solution is for me to get out of his life. I don't want to do that. I feel like I'd be abandoning him... but because I make him so angry that he throws things and he can't even be in the same room with me without feeling anxious, my adviser thinks the best decision is for me to go away. It hurts me a lot. I want an active role in helping him, and I feel like I'd be abandoning him otherwise. If I ask him what he wants me to do, he gets upset and says "I don't know!"

And if I'm not actively involved in this, I feel like no one else will do anything to help him. I had to call up my adviser and a close friend to tell them how he's been lashing out and I'm worried about them for anyone to actually take this situation seriously. I feel so helpless... I have no idea why I upset him so much. All I do is listen to him vent when he gets in his anxiety attacks and try to help him work through them. Why do I make him get to this state?

Sometimes the best thing that we can do for another person is give them their space and let God be God. Trust in the lord that once you give him space and pray for him that God will see the thing through for you. Still love him, still pray for him, still bless him when you have the chance, but if he is asking for some space then by all means do that. You will see what the power of prayer and God can do when you let go of the situation. God bless sis!

YouTube - Deitrick Haddon - Prayer Changes Things

 

[UnitynLove]

"And if I'm not actively involved in this, I feel like no one else will do anything to help him." God will do something to help him once you pray and give him his space. Remember that God can only do what you allow him to do so if your still trying to handle it God can not work the work he needs to do. Remember, "God frustrates the proud (Those thinking they can do it on their own, with their own strength and power, with their own will.) **and by no means am I calling you proud you are a good friend** and gives mercy to the humble (Those knowing that they CAN NOT do it on their own, with their own strength and power, and that they need God to do whatever they need him to do fully, they are helpless without him and his help." Take your hands off and watch what God does.

 

[PolarBear3]

Thanks for your responses. I guess I know it's not my fault but it's so hard when he believes it to be. He'll look at me with such angry eyes like I'm torturing him, and I don't know what I'm doing at all. It hurts so much because I want to help him but I have no idea what to do. I don't want to step back because I don't want him to forever think that I did this to him or that I don't care. I want to do something, anything to let him know I'm there...

There is a difference between being there to help him and being there to get blamed. And there are different ways to help someone ... sometimes it's staying close and other times it's backing away so they can figure out what to do. I'm sure it hurts to see him struggling with this because you care about him and you want to take his suffering away. But you're only human and you can't fix this for him. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is accept our own limitations.

If you don't want him to think that you don't care, then tell him you care. But also tell him that as much as you care and you want to help, you're not willing to take the blame for it. Set some boundaries.

Another thought ... if he's so sure that you're to blame, then wouldn't you want to step aside so that he would then realize that this isn't your fault?

 

[BabyLightMyWay]

I really appreciate all the encouraging words. I know I need to let go and trust God, and I have been. It's just that I'm so hurt I don't know how to come to terms with what's going on around me.

My religious adviser isn't being very helpful. I don't think he would have done anything about getting my friend help had I not called him and practically forced him to... It's frustrating because my friend is so easily influenced, and if this guy gives him bad advice, he'll take it anyway because he thinks it's always truth. I don't know. I'm just frustrated.

I guess the only thing that would make me feel better is knowing why I'm the only person who sets him off like this when I don't do anything... Does anyone understand anxiety and panic attacks enough to know why I'm the trigger? Because at least I'd have peace of mind knowing how it happened...

 

[PolarBear3]

I really appreciate all the encouraging words. I know I need to let go and trust God, and I have been. It's just that I'm so hurt I don't know how to come to terms with what's going on around me.

My religious adviser isn't being very helpful. I don't think he would have done anything about getting my friend help had I not called him and practically forced him to... It's frustrating because my friend is so easily influenced, and if this guy gives him bad advice, he'll take it anyway because he thinks it's always truth. I don't know. I'm just frustrated.

I guess the only thing that would make me feel better is knowing why I'm the only person who sets him off like this when I don't do anything... Does anyone understand anxiety and panic attacks enough to know why I'm the trigger? Because at least I'd have peace of mind knowing how it happened...

FWIW, I have social anxiety and there is not a specific trigger for me. There are certain situations which are more likely than others to cause problems for me, but I may be fine in one situation and then panic in a similar situation a few days later. It can be scary because I can't predict when it's going to happen and when I have one of these episodes, it feels terrifying.

Now everyone is different and I don't know your friend, but I'm guessing he's really scared. He probably doesn't know what triggers his attacks and you're close to him so you're the easiest person to blame. But if he was on medication before, that tells me that he has a chemical imbalance in his brain and he needs to be taking his meds. So you are not the trigger at all, he is just saying you are.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. Is there someone else you can talk to about this besides your religious adviser? Is there anyone else that your friend trusts? As BobW mentioned earlier, your friend needs to find a psychologist, psychiatrist or social worker to work with him as well as your religious adviser. You can't force him do that - it needs to be his decision - but you can offer to go with him if he wants that. You mentioned being in a dorm earlier and most campuses have psychological services available. Have you checked into that? Even if your friend isn't going to school there, they should be able to give you some insight and advice.

 

[UnitynLove]

I really appreciate all the encouraging words. I know I need to let go and trust God, and I have been. It's just that I'm so hurt I don't know how to come to terms with what's going on around me.

My religious adviser isn't being very helpful. I don't think he would have done anything about getting my friend help had I not called him and practically forced him to... It's frustrating because my friend is so easily influenced, and if this guy gives him bad advice, he'll take it anyway because he thinks it's always truth. I don't know. I'm just frustrated.

I guess the only thing that would make me feel better is knowing why I'm the only person who sets him off like this when I don't do anything... Does anyone understand anxiety and panic attacks enough to know why I'm the trigger? Because at least I'd have peace of mind knowing how it happened...

"My religious adviser isn't being very helpful. I don't think he would have done anything about getting my friend help had I not called him and practically forced him to... It's frustrating because my friend is so easily influenced, and if this guy gives him bad advice, he'll take it anyway because he thinks it's always truth. I don't know. I'm just frustrated."

Stop worrying about it and let God handle it. Just pray that your religious adviser gives him the right advice that he needs, and even if he does receive bad advice pray that your friend will know that difference between sound knowledge and bad advice. Don't try to figure everything out that is God's job, my advice to you is to relax, enjoy your life, keep praying for your friend, pray for healing for yourself and be a blessing to others everywhere you go.

"I guess the only thing that would make me feel better is knowing why I'm the only person who sets him off like this when I don't do anything... Does anyone understand anxiety and panic attacks enough to know why I'm the trigger? Because at least I'd have peace of mind knowing how it happened..."

He is lying to you, you are not the only person that makes him feel anxious. Sometimes people with problems blame everyone else around to keep themselves from dealing with their own issues. I know form personal experience that the hardest thing to look at and deal with is our own faults, bad hang ups, and mistakes. It is verrry easy to look and see whats wrong with others but it is sometimes very very hard to see what we are doing so we sometimes blame others when the problem is us. It is not until you face the truth about yourself that you will become free. "The truth shall set you free." Just know that it is not your fault he used you as a scapegoat for his own issues. Keep praying for him and his anxiety, love him, whenever you get the chance bless him but respect his request for space and just be a blessing for all those around you.

 

[UnitynLove]

The Cause and Cure for Worry
Worry, feeling uneasy or troubled, seems to plague multitudes of people in our world today. It’s human nature to be concerned about the bad situations in our world and in our personal lives, but if we're not careful, the devil will cause us to worry beyond what’s reasonable. Worry is like a rocking chair—it’s always in motion but it never gets you anywhere. So why do we struggle with it? And what good does it do? Worry is the opposite of faith, and it steals our peace, physically wears us out, and can even make us sick. When we worry, we torment ourselves—we're doing the devil's job for him! Worry is caused by not trusting God to take care of the various situations in our lives. Too often we trust our own abilities, believing that we can figure out how to take care of our own problems. Yet sometimes, after all our worry and effort to go it alone, we come up short, unable to bring about suitable solutions.

At a young age, I discovered firsthand that people hurt people, so I didn't trust others. I tried to take care of myself, deciding not to depend on anyone who would hurt or disappoint me. Too often our experiences in the world teach us this, and even after we become Christians, it takes a long time to overcome it. It’s difficult to learn how to trust God, but we eventually must learn that trying to take care of everything ourselves is too big a task.

CAST YOUR CARES ON THE ONE WHO CARES FOR YOU

First Peter 5:6,7 says, Therefore humble yourselves [demote, lower yourselves in your own estimation] under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you, casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. Since Jesus invites us to cast all of our care and worry on Him, why do so many of us refuse to let go? Apparently, we’re not yet fed up with being miserable.

The only way to have victory in our lives is to play by God's rules, and He says we must quit worrying if we want to have peace. So when things come our way that cause us to be concerned, we need God's help. How do we get it? First Peter 5:6,7 lists two important steps: 1) humble yourselves, and 2) cast your care on Him. That seems pretty clear and simple, yet some continue struggling because they’re too bullheaded to ask for help. But the humble get the help. So if your way isn't working, why not try God's way? All of us would be better off if we’d learn to lean on God and ask for His help. But as long as we try to do everything ourselves, God will let us. He won’t take care of our problems and worries—our cares—until we turn loose of them and give them to Him. Either we’re going to do it or God's going to do it, but both of us aren’t going to. Now, casting your care doesn't mean you can be irresponsible. God won’t do for you what you can do yourself. You must do what you can do, and then trust God to do what you can’t. When we humble ourselves and ask for His help, then He’s able to release His power in our situations. It’s only then that we can really enjoy life. So the cure for worry is humbling ourselves before God, casting our cares on Him, and trusting Him. Instead of making ourselves miserable trying to figure everything out on our own, God wants us to place our trust in Him and enter into His rest, totally abandoning ourselves to His care. I know that when we are able to believe and say, "God, I trust You," it will literally change our lives. Psalm 37:3 says, Trust…in the Lord and do good.... God didn't create us to worry about helping ourselves all the time. He wants us to sow good seed by reaching out to help others. When we simply trust God and get busy doing the good things we know to do, then He’ll bring a harvest of blessings into our lives and meet our needs.

DEVELOP AN ATTITUDE OF FAITH AND PRAYER

I’ve learned that my attitude has a lot to do with living a worry-free life. There will always be situations that cause us concern, but with God's help, we can live above all of it and enjoy life. Cast your care on the Lord and say, "God, I trust You, and I'm going to enjoy the life You have given me." When you give your problems to God, you must also decide to be satisfied with His answers. Trusting God to do what's best for us involves dying to self. Paul said, ...it is no longer I who live, but Christ (the Messiah) lives in me; and the life I now live in the body I live by faith in (by adherence to and reliance on and complete trust in) the Son of God, Who loved me and gave Himself up for me (Galatians 2:20). You can trust God to do what's best for you, so you don't have to worry about it. When you have a positive attitude and keep your faith in God, you can’t be defeated.

We must stop trying to make things happen the way we want and get to the place where we desire to please God more than ourselves. The Christ in us has to supercede what we want. Faith and the Word of God will help you overcome worry. Worrying involves negative thoughts, but speaking positive things out of your mouth will interrupt those negative thought patterns. When we are full of the Word of God, we can speak it out of our mouths in faith. Faith is stronger than doubt, negativism and unbelief. Faith has a positive attitude that can overcome our past and lead us into a great future. Faith is a powerful force that cannot be conquered. Another powerful force is prayer. When you're under pressure, it’s always best to pray about it instead of talk about it. Prayer is the blueprint for a successful life. During His time on earth, Jesus prayed. He entrusted everything to God—even His reputation and life. We can do the same. We don't have to explain all the problems to Him; we can just give them to Him and ask Him to take care of everything. Don't complicate prayer. Just have confidence in simple, believing prayer.

Look at Paul's instructions in Philippians 4:6,7: Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. If you're a Christian who goes around burdened or weighed down all the time, something is wrong. You may have had faith in Christ for salvation, but you haven't moved into walking in faith daily for the life that God has given you. The Bible tells us that God is faithful—that's one of His major characteristics. He can be counted on to come through for us, so we should trust Him totally and completely. When we do, we’ll be ready for anything that may come our way.


ALLOW GOD TO GIVE YOU PEACE AND REST

In Matthew 11:28 Jesus said, Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.] Jesus wants to ease our burdens and give us rest. The Message Bible says it this way: Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly (Matthew 11:28-30). That sounds good, doesn't it? I've had enough heavy stuff in my life, and I want to be free. It's nice to know that we don't have to figure everything out. We need to get comfortable with saying, "I don't have a clue, but I'm not going to worry about it because God’s in control. I'm going to live free and light!" When we’re overloaded with the cares of this life—struggling, laboring and worrying—we need some help. Our minds need to rest from worrying about how to take care of problems, our emotions need to rest from being upset all the time, and our wills need a rest from stubbornness and rebellion. So we need to be humble enough to call out to God and say, "I need help!" Your beginning doesn't have to dictate your ending. Get God involved in every area of your life and allow Him to lead you into rest.

WORRY OR WORSHIP?

Worry and worship are exact opposites, and we’d all be much happier if we learned to become worshippers instead of worriers. Worry opens the door for the devil, but worship is reverence and adoration for God that leads us into His presence. God created us to worship Him, and I don't believe we can walk in victory if we don't become worshippers. Sometimes when we don't have what we need or want, the enemy tries to discourage us and keep us from worshipping God. But when we know that God has our best interests at heart, we can worship Him regardless of our circumstances. Remember, God is good even when our circumstances are not! God doesn't always give us our heart's desire right away. He wants us to develop a deep, personal relationship with Him and an outrageous love for Him so much so that we can't live without it. This kind of relationship and love brings the worshipful attitude that God wants us to have.

To worship means “to reverence,” or “to defer to.” We are to have reverential fear and awe of God. We are to respect and honor Him, and defer to Him by submitting to and obeying Him, and adapt ourselves to His will. We must realize that Christ, living in us, has come to lead and guide us into a special lifestyle of worship and victorious living. When Satan throws worry on you, I challenge you to stop what you're doing, get down on your knees before God, and begin praising Him. Worship is a spiritual weapon, a warhead or bomb you can use against the enemy. Your prayers and worship will get you heavenly help, and you won't have to fight your own battles. God's grace and power can make things happen with ease that you can't bring about no matter how much you struggle.

So stop worrying about everything, give it to God, and live in grace. Grace isn’t just divine favor—it’s power! Don't waste another day of your life worrying. Determine what your responsibility is and what it is not. Don't try to take on God's responsibility. When we do what we can do, God steps in and does what we can't. So give yourself and your worries to God and begin enjoying the abundant life He has planned for you.

 

[BabyLightMyWay]

He is lying to you, you are not the only person that makes him feel anxious. Sometimes people with problems blame everyone else around to keep themselves from dealing with their own issues. I know form personal experience that the hardest thing to look at and deal with is our own faults, bad hang ups, and mistakes. It is verrry easy to look and see whats wrong with others but it is sometimes very very hard to see what we are doing so we sometimes blame others when the problem is us. It is not until you face the truth about yourself that you will become free. "The truth shall set you free." Just know that it is not your fault he used you as a scapegoat for his own issues. Keep praying for him and his anxiety, love him, whenever you get the chance bless him but respect his request for space and just be a blessing for all those around you.

Well, I may not be the only person that makes him feel anxious, but I know I am the only person he gets this upset with. It used to be that I'd be the only one there when he'd have a panic attack, and he'd cling to me, cry, and tell me everything going on until he felt better. Except that usually happened after we had some sort of misunderstanding or argument. It's like everything he was worrying about would come flooding out right after he would get frustrated with me after the smallest thing. Now he's just having violent panic attacks and the last two I've seen were because we had a misunderstanding or something. I don't do anything to really make him angry, I think. I just say things like "What do you need me to do?" or something... It's like my caring for him makes him upset.

I've had a few people tell me that he just loves me and doesn't know what to do with his feelings so he has panic attacks like that. (If I didn't mention earlier, he did tell me he loved me a few weeks ago and then took it back a couple days after.) And I don't want to believe it because I do love him deeply and I don't want to get my heart broken. I don't want to put belief in something false.

I really, really want him to get better so if that requires me leaving his life, then alright... It's just not what I want at all. I care about him and want to be there by his side while he gets better...

 

[UnitynLove]

Well, I may not be the only person that makes him feel anxious, but I know I am the only person he gets this upset with. It used to be that I'd be the only one there when he'd have a panic attack, and he'd cling to me, cry, and tell me everything going on until he felt better. Except that usually happened after we had some sort of misunderstanding or argument. It's like everything he was worrying about would come flooding out right after he would get frustrated with me after the smallest thing. Now he's just having violent panic attacks and the last two I've seen were because we had a misunderstanding or something. I don't do anything to really make him angry, I think. I just say things like "What do you need me to do?" or something... It's like my caring for him makes him upset.

I've had a few people tell me that he just loves me and doesn't know what to do with his feelings so he has panic attacks like that. (If I didn't mention earlier, he did tell me he loved me a few weeks ago and then took it back a couple days after.) And I don't want to believe it because I do love him deeply and I don't want to get my heart broken. I don't want to put belief in something false.

I really, really want him to get better so if that requires me leaving his life, then alright... It's just not what I want at all. I care about him and want to be there by his side while he gets better...

No I' m not saying that you should leave his life, all I saying is give him his space. For instance, if I have bad day and I come home and my mom ask me how was you day and I respond, "not right now" and then go to my room. My mom's reaction would be to stay down stairs and still love me, still care for me, still willing to help me but she will not try to come into my room and try to superintendence because I made it clear to her that I wasn't ready to talk to her at this particular moment. Later I would come down stairs after I calmed down and tell her about my issues and what happened in my day. She respected my space at that particualr moment and waited until I was ready to come to her for her help. I'm not telling you to totally block them out of your life all I'm saying is give them some space. Tell them that you will always be there for them and always willing to help them and love them, but if they need some space I will do that. Just know that I will be on call if you need me and I will not try to overcrowded the space that you not ready to give me yet. Love them but give them the space that you feel comfortable enough to give you.

 

[UnitynLove]

"It used to be that I'd be the only one there when he'd have a panic attack, and he'd cling to me, cry, and tell me everything going on until he felt better." That season is done. Now you have to let God be God. Let God heal him, let him cry to God, let him lean on God. Just give him the space that he needs and live your life. By you still holding on to the worrying, and stressing, about him you are negating your prayers because by your actions you are saying you are not trusting God to do what you ask him to do for your friend.

 

[BabyLightMyWay]

Oh, I guess I wasn't clear. I know you're not saying to leave his life, but our religious adviser is... I don't know. He isn't really doing his job properly. I found a psychiatrist for my friend and made all the phone calls to let our adviser and his best friend know that he was a danger to himself and other people. No one else was really checking up on him. Good news is that he went to the psychiatrist today and he loves the guy. Bad news is that my religious adviser's wife called me and told me that my adviser (we'll call him Dave from now on) told her that he and my friend decided the relationship should be cut off. She made it sound like for good, but his best friend is saying it's not. But I'm upset because I never got an apology or a thank you and no one told me what was going on. I wanted him to come talk to me and then I'd give him his space... but I guess Dave and his wife won't give us that option. They didn't even ask my friend if it was possible.

I also really wanted to talk to the psychiatrist (he's a Christian one who specializes in anxiety so I'm praising God I found him and he's a good doctor) about my perspective on what's happening and ask him how I can love my friend best. But they didn't even tell me they were going until after it happened. And I doubt they'll let me talk to him. I just feel like I'm not being given many options and I'm hurting badly.

I sound soooo selfish when I write this all down, and I hate it. I really do love him and I'll do what it takes for him to get better. I will, even though it hurts to back off. But for the past few months, my feelings in this were being ignored. And I'm angry that it took this long for people to realize he needed help. Ugh, now I'm venting more than asking for help. I just don't know what to do to feel better about this since I guess he's not going to even write me a letter...

My biggest fear, as I probably said, is that he'll forever associate me with this and we'll never be even friends again. I don't want that... That's the last thing I want. I feel like I'm losing him.

 

[BobW188]

No you do not sound selfish; but loving and concerned. As for talking to the psychiatrist; by all means call and offer to do so.
I must say it more and more appears to me that Dave is part of the problem, not part of the solution. What are his credentials? That he would get this deep in a medico-psychiatric problem without at least consulting experts does not say much for his judgement. Alas, Bible knowledge and genuine faith aren't always accompanied by common sense.
Unity is almost certainly correct that you are not, and have never been, your friend's only trigger. You're handy, that's all. We're especially prone to shift blame from ourselves to others when we're frightened.
For now, leave the future to God. You've done what you can in the present. Something tells me Dave is not going to have that much say in whether the two of you pick up in a much better place than where you left off.

 

[BabyLightMyWay]

See, that's exactly my worry. Dave has hardly ever referenced the Bible in the times he's talked to me about the situation, and I have no idea what his credentials are in this. He wouldn't have talked to a psychiatrist had I not hunted down the guy and sent him his info. I'm just frustrated because as I said earlier, my friend is very easily influenced and led. If he thinks someone is enough of an authority figure, he'll believe anything they tell him. I'm so happy he's talking to this psychiatrist though. Maybe he'll sort things out with God's help.