Having Kids? Maybe? Adoption or Natural?

[Christopher Watkins]

My wife and I have been married 13 years. I'm now 34 and she's 31. I just finished seminary and she will graduate in a year from now and will then receive her Masters in Clinical Counseling (she'll need about a year after graduation to get her license to practice as a licensed therapist without supervision).

The topic of having kids has come up a few times and we usually never agreed on the topic. I have often wanted kids and she hasn't. Being married young we had just one talk about kids and thought I talked her into it by saying we'd wait a couple years of marriage.

I enlisted in the military 3 years into our marriage and served 6 years. After coming home from basic she told she'd like to have two kids, but not until after I was out because she didn't want something to happen to me and then be a widow raising kids alone. My contacts was for six years so I knew we'd have to wait.

We talked a few times later in the military (like 3 years in) and she changed her mind again. Fast forward now after 4 years of graduate school and we're talking again.

She's tried to talk me out of it and has moved to adopting. I'm conflicted as it's been 13 years now and I don't really think her heart is in being a mother. So I'm now thinking should we if she really doesn't? I'm also uncertain about adopting without even trying first. I guess I just wanted to have our own. I've thought about having a bigger family and having a few of our own and adopting later. So I'm not sure if the only way we have kids is adoption only without trying first.

Part of my wife's fears is seeing her older sister get pregnant in high school and it went wrong. She had twins and one passed away in the pregnancy. The other was born prematurely and is disabled and in a home. I believe the child was also breached with the other one's ambilical cord wrapped around his neck. Her lady parts ripped and she needed surgery to have the child anyway. It freaked her out as a middle school girl. Her family also has a history of abuse and she's worried that she might continue it. Then her dad and his side of the family have a history of mental disorders like schizophrenia.

She's also got Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and OCD. I was medically retired with some health problems and discovered I have narcolepsy. So that adds to her fears of having children naturally. One night she had a panick attack trying to tell me her fears about all of this and didn't know if she could handle having kids that inherit many of these disorders, especially her depression. I attempted to calm her down and assure her that these things were out of our control and may not even happen or we could adopt and their family could have those same problems inherited. These things are in God's hands and we can only take life a day at a time and deal with it as it comes to us. Worrying about the unknown and the what ifs will only induce this fear and panic.

So I now ask, maybe we shouldn't have kids? Partially because she has not ever really wanted them, but also if we adopt she's has repeatedly mentioned adopting kids well past 5 so we just skip the baby stuff. I kinda feel that's the fun of it...granted I know that's a lot of work and sleepless nights. So what's the point?

Also if we did have kids could I handle the lack of sleep being narcoleptic? I need near 8 hours of sleep so the meds work, otherwise I fall asleep anyway.

Lastly, knowing how much I've wanted children she's now talking about getting off birth control next summer after she graduates and we'll try then. She's worried about getting off her antidepressants and what that will do to her mental state. She feels she'd probably end up with postpartum depression after giving birth.

I feel like I'll just make her miserable if we have children because it's a life she never wanted. I've always hoped she'd find out she likes being a mother after she has the kids. She's always been great with my sister's kids and other kids from bible study groups. But is that a pipe dream?

So should we have kids?

If so should we adopt? Should I not worry about adopting a baby but settle for just having kids no matter their age. Or if I compromise should she on the age?

If we don't have kids how do we tell others? I'll be graduating from seminary with two additional master degrees. I already have one from another online seminary. I've tried being a pastor but churches don't seem to want pastors that don't have children. After a few other bad experiences I'll graduate and will look for work outside of the church. As a married couple we'll always be that odd couple without children and trust me Christians find it odd at the minimum if not outright a sin. It's caused a lot of hurt feelings for both of us.

Well, what are ya'll's thoughts?

 

[Paidiske]

We can't tell you whether or not you should have children; you'll have to work that out between the two of you (I wonder, if you've been wrestling with it for so long, would a few sessions with a counselor help? I also wonder whether it would help your wife to talk through her options for managing depression and so forth with a GP before you think about trying? Sometimes knowing that we do have options can give more of a sense of confidence).

But as for how you tell others - as someone who also has people with "opinions" about my family - I say don't bring it up, and if other people do, just calmly say, "We don't have children." Most people will realise it's rude to push. And for those without the social filters who do push, you're perfectly within your rights to say that you don't want to talk about it!