Having Issues With My 17 Year Old Daughter

[nanookadenord]

She has been saying she is moving out when she turns 18 because I micromanage her life. However, those that know her and what she was like when she was with her mom say that I am doing what needs to be done to keep her out of trouble and to graduate high school.

Before she came to me she had failed high school two years in a row. She had had sex by age 15. Had been raped by a friend of her mother's and beaten by a boyfriend. She was living with her mother and two different live-in boyfriends in New York.

Since coming to me in August of last year, she has passed 10th and 11th grade in one school year and is set to graduate at the end of this school year. I am much more strict than her mother who essentially let's the kids do as they will. For two of them it works and they are doing well. They are always on the honor roll and such.

My daughter says I am too strict because I will not let her have a boyfriend or get a job. Mind you, she had three boyfriends last year and each time her grades slipped, especially when they broke up. One of her boyfriends elbowed her and pushed her. Over the summer she went against my number one rule and that is no boys at the house when I'm not home. I caught a boy leaving the apartment when I had a chance to stop by before picking up a patient at a facility behind the apartments. I also won't let her have a job because her job is school. She needs only concentrate on school. I also need her to be home for her younger sibling, my five year old for when she gets off the bus. My 17 Year old keeps throwing it in my face that watching her younger sibling is not her responsibility and that it's my problem. I am of the thought that families do for families.

So, she says she's leaving when she turns 18 and that it's my fault that she is. She will still be in high school when she turns 18. If I would allow her to have a boyfriend, a job and not "micromanage" her, she would stay.

All I am trying to do is get her through high school.

My family and girlfriend said that I am doing the right thing. They also say to let her move out and let her see what it's like to not have her parents helping her. If she wants to make a grown-up decision, then she gets to be a grown-up and do it on her own.

In a way I am all for her moving out because peace will return to my home. Yet, I don't want her to do it because she really has no clue what she's in for.

I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or just to get all that off my mind. Either way, thank you for reading it.

 

[dogs4thewin]

Well, it sounds like you are just trying to be a protective father and she just is not having it. I do not know about Fla but some states allow you to keep custody of your children ( where they cannot move out or anything until high school graduation or their 19th birthday ( whichever of those two events is earlier) That may be something to look into. As for you needing her home to help get her younger sibling on the bus she is right. Yes families SHOULD do for families but at the end of the day once one reaches the age of majority you cannot really make them.

 

[Ken Rank]

She has been saying she is moving out when she turns 18 because I micromanage her life. However, those that know her and what she was like when she was with her mom say that I am doing what needs to be done to keep her out of trouble and to graduate high school.

Before she came to me she had failed high school two years in a row. She had had sex by age 15. Had been raped by a friend of her mother's and beaten by a boyfriend. She was living with her mother and two different live-in boyfriends in New York.

Since coming to me in August of last year, she has passed 10th and 11th grade in one school year and is set to graduate at the end of this school year. I am much more strict than her mother who essentially let's the kids do as they will. For two of them it works and they are doing well. They are always on the honor roll and such.

My daughter says I am too strict because I will not let her have a boyfriend or get a job. Mind you, she had three boyfriends last year and each time her grades slipped, especially when they broke up. One of her boyfriends elbowed her and pushed her. Over the summer she went against my number one rule and that is no boys at the house when I'm not home. I caught a boy leaving the apartment when I had a chance to stop by before picking up a patient at a facility behind the apartments. I also won't let her have a job because her job is school. She needs only concentrate on school. I also need her to be home for her younger sibling, my five year old for when she gets off the bus. My 17 Year old keeps throwing it in my face that watching her younger sibling is not her responsibility and that it's my problem. I am of the thought that families do for families.

So, she says she's leaving when she turns 18 and that it's my fault that she is. She will still be in high school when she turns 18. If I would allow her to have a boyfriend, a job and not "micromanage" her, she would stay.

All I am trying to do is get her through high school.

My family and girlfriend said that I am doing the right thing. They also say to let her move out and let her see what it's like to not have her parents helping her. If she wants to make a grown-up decision, then she gets to be a grown-up and do it on her own.

In a way I am all for her moving out because peace will return to my home. Yet, I don't want her to do it because she really has no clue what she's in for.

I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or just to get all that off my mind. Either way, thank you for reading it.

I wouldn't let her move out and you have a God given responsibility to raise her. That aside...

My daughter isn't much older. And though our circumstances are different I know this much... when my daughter had her first boyfriend, all of us (save for her) began to see that he was controlling, selfish, and a number of other things. Fearing her safety, and future, I began to push against him and in the process, only pushed her toward him. As the father, in situations like this, there is only so much you can do without coming off like the over protective dad who thinks nothing and nobody are good enough for their daughter. Anyway... what finally worked in my situation was to leave the boyfriend alone and just pray and trust God would reveal to my daughter enough to see what everyone else saw (which did happen eventually). Instead, I just explained to her my concerns once and then left the door of communication open for her to come through whenever she needed to.

In the end, we now have a GREAT relationship. She still lives home, is finishing up her 2nd year of junior college and (sadly for me ) will transfer to a 4 year school at the end of the year. But we get along perfectly.

So my suggestion is that you take her out to eat something she likes, my daughter was big on sushi. And you tell her how much you love her, and that you have been strict but that was only because you know how cruel the world can be, and how hard, and that you just want what is best for her as she grows into a young woman. And I would make it clear, with a loving tone, that you expect her to complete the school year before moving out and at the end of the school year that she can move out if that is what she wants, or stay if she is going to go to a local college. Beyond that, I wouldn't say much because it will just come off, to her, as micromanagement.

Will pray for you both.
Ken

 

[Albion]

It sounds like she is not likely to be easily corralled now because of the lifestyle she knew under her mother. I am guessing that the only workable path might be to avoid both extremes and choose to let her do SOME but not all of what she wants. You have to give in somewhere or other IMO.

That would show some flexibility on your part--or if she wants to think it, that you heard her concerns after all and knew that she had a valid point (or something like that).

This would also be something that could be taken away if she did not perform as expected. Right now, there is just about nothing that she knows would be jeopardized if she gets out of line.

One possibility might be letting her have a job, if one can be found, that doesn't conflict with baby-sitting the younger sibling. Perhaps some job in retail that would be in the hours after you get home.

The one thing that I would worry less about than you are is the schoolwork. If she has completed two years of work in one, she is not a dope or in need of studying every moment she is not in class, and certainly is not in danger of failing to graduate.

As for the leaving home at 18 threat, there is no telling at this time whether she will go through with it or not. She could be just using it to hold something over your head. Or else she will find that although she tries it at 18, it is impossible to pull off, practically speaking. Id say to worry about that one at a later time.

I realize that these suggestions seem unemotional and calculating. Therefore, I should add that I found a lot to like in what Ken wrote to you, too.

 

[RDKirk]

If she's threatening to leave at 18 and not before...
...I'd tell her she will be free to leave.

But then I'd do the "To Sir, With Love" thing (see the movie, if you haven't).

I'd spend the rest of the time you have left trying to teach her as much as possible the details and costs of living on one's own--all those things you're doing for her now.

I'd have her sit down while you're paying bills and teach her by showing her where the money all goes.

And I'd also let her know that your door is always open for her return, but you will still have rules that can adjust to her freedom as she adjusts to adult responsibility.

 

[Dan the deacon]

Welcome to the reality of raising a teen. It is best to recall your way of thinking when you were her age. I bet you liked girls and also thought your parents were too strict or old fashioned.
This is a common battle. Just hold fast to your rules and try talking with het more than to her. She may rebel and even leave as soon as she's 18. But you both Val laugh about this later in life. When she struggles with het own children.
Pry about how you can do better and not just how she can. May God bless you as you work through this.

 

[Sketcher]

I don't see how you win this one. There's a type, the more you restrain them, the more they want to pull away. To make it worse, they also seem to be more inclined to making bad choices. Your daughter sounds like one of these people.

 

[nanookadenord]

Thank you for the replies.

This morning my girlfriend let me know that my daughter messaged her to tell her that she doesn't think she can get a job because she has too much school work to do. Which is what I have been saying all along.

Last week she was crying to me that she cannot handle her school work as it's too difficult and she doesn't have enough time.

I'm not keeping her from working because I don't want her to work for no reason at all. I am doing because I know my daughter well enough to know that if she adds work and/or a boyfriend her schooling will suffer. She showed that last year when I gave her a chance to have a boyfriend and her schooling suffered.

Someone above mentioned that it seems that she is doing fine in school with the progress that she made. I agree, but I have also done my best to keep the distractions out of her life Distractions are a huge problem for her.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Since you know your daughter like you do, let her vent and blow off steam...
It seems you and her be alike.
Don't pressure too much... encourage and reward her efforts.

Sit down with her and go over budgeting and financial things with her as someone
else suggested up-board...'cause if she don't know, she needs to be informed
and taught how to do those things...budgeting, saving money, paying bills etc.
You doing good... she will appreciate what you say and do later, she has some
maturing to do.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Sounds like she's had a rough life as a teen and a lot of major changes have hit her fast. It's good she has you as support and for school, but it's normal for her to enter a rebellious thing and find you too strict (most teens do that). I would just remain calm and supportive and listen to her but keep sticking with the same rules if needed. Hopefully it will work out. Teen years are rough on us all!

 

[Christgirl67]

She has been saying she is moving out when she turns 18 because I micromanage her life. However, those that know her and what she was like when she was with her mom say that I am doing what needs to be done to keep her out of trouble and to graduate high school.

Before she came to me she had failed high school two years in a row. She had had sex by age 15. Had been raped by a friend of her mother's and beaten by a boyfriend. She was living with her mother and two different live-in boyfriends in New York.

Since coming to me in August of last year, she has passed 10th and 11th grade in one school year and is set to graduate at the end of this school year. I am much more strict than her mother who essentially let's the kids do as they will. For two of them it works and they are doing well. They are always on the honor roll and such.

My daughter says I am too strict because I will not let her have a boyfriend or get a job. Mind you, she had three boyfriends last year and each time her grades slipped, especially when they broke up. One of her boyfriends elbowed her and pushed her. Over the summer she went against my number one rule and that is no boys at the house when I'm not home. I caught a boy leaving the apartment when I had a chance to stop by before picking up a patient at a facility behind the apartments. I also won't let her have a job because her job is school. She needs only concentrate on school. I also need her to be home for her younger sibling, my five year old for when she gets off the bus. My 17 Year old keeps throwing it in my face that watching her younger sibling is not her responsibility and that it's my problem. I am of the thought that families do for families.

So, she says she's leaving when she turns 18 and that it's my fault that she is. She will still be in high school when she turns 18. If I would allow her to have a boyfriend, a job and not "micromanage" her, she would stay.

All I am trying to do is get her through high school.

My family and girlfriend said that I am doing the right thing. They also say to let her move out and let her see what it's like to not have her parents helping her. If she wants to make a grown-up decision, then she gets to be a grown-up and do it on her own.

In a way I am all for her moving out because peace will return to my home. Yet, I don't want her to do it because she really has no clue what she's in for.

I'm not sure if I am looking for advice or just to get all that off my mind. Either way, thank you for reading it.

I think what you are doing is right.I think her getting a job would teach her responsibility,and may help keep her out of trouble.I can say I had issues being a teenager as well,but looking back,I am glad my parents put restrictions on me.She may not see it now,but it's good to have someone steering her in the right path.Maybe if you sat down and explained to her that you just want her to live the best life possible,she may understand more.

 

[LoricaLady]

You can't stop her from moving out once she turns 18. What I would do is have a little talk with her along these lines, said in a calm and even sympathetic, gently concerned, way....

"My child I love you very much. I want things to go well for you in life. Now, if you decide to move out at 18, I can't stop you. You are legally entitled to do that. I want you to know, though, that if you do decide it isn't as great out there as you thought, that you still have a home to come back to. However, to be honest I must tell you that if you do come back, though there will be no recriminations, there will be the same rules. The same rules you have heard before. That's the arrangement.

"You have to make what you feel are the best decisions for you as an adult, and I have to make what I feel are the best decisions for me as an adult. Again, I love you. I'm here for you. This home is here for you. Ya just gotta follow the rules though if you want to be part of the family in this household. Also, if you want support of any kind financially, some money here and there, well, how can I know, with you gone, that the money is really going to benefit you, not some boyfriend or whatever? I don't have the skills to figure out such things. Therefore, it is not likely that I wold provide financial support unless you are living here. Emotional support, yes, any time, though. It's your decision. Again, I love you very much."

I would guess it would be pointless to argue or point out the advantages to her of this and tha choice, as likely you have done so many times to no avail. Let her make her choices. She will, indeed, be an adult soon. Anyway, sometimes when we are arguing a lot we get real defensive and will hang onto our position no matter how illogical, or even harmful. That can be especially true, of course, for a teenager. Just leave the emotional door open for her. She needs family even if she thinks she does not, and so do you.

If you and your daughter have reached a point where she won't listen long to you without getting huffy and mad, maybe send her such a message in an email. Then stick to your decision.

Of course pray for wisdom and protection for her, but you probably already do that.

I do want to add, though, that your daughter has been through a lot of trauma! Now that doesn't mean she gets to make the rules, which would nto be good for her at all, not stabilizing. However, I wonder what kind of help she can get, even with a school counselor. She needs some help.