Hating my Steplife

[Brandon Cogle]

Hi, everyone. I need help. I got married 1 year ago to a single mother of four. Only the youngest two, both girls, live with us, thank God, because the older two hate my guts, and thier mother's

The father is... I don't like him at all.

The mother and I have a great deal of baggage, both. For the first year together, we argued alot. The girls would get horrified (having never seen a man get angry) (thier bio dad is an emotionless sissy who worships the ground his current girlfriend of 10 years, walks on).

We began seeing a counceler, and things got better, but now, the guy wants to try to win complete custody of the girls. (after my wife raised them all by herself for the last 10 years)

The girls, 12 and 14, have begun being extremely disrespectful to me and thier mother. The worst part is, they treat the step-mom better than thier real mom. They seem to live in this little fantasy world where she is the queen and thier dad is the prince, and I'm not supposed to say anything about it.

I also feel like they are being used to spy on us, based on what his lawyer has been asking. We can't even talk to the kids themselves about this, as they won't talk about their dad or 'nanny' (not calling her stepmom, because she isn't married to their dad). Their mother, my wife, says they talk to HER about them, so maybe it's just me. Whenever I see her ask them about those two, the girls just clam up.

They grow far more disrepectiveful every time they are with him, and it is even worse if their older siblings are there.
Naturely, much of a stepchild's attitude towards their steppartent comes from the attitude they see their real parents showing them. They see their father falling at their nanny's feet, so they do; they see their mother constantly being direspectful and rebelious to me, so they are.
I want to love them, I really do, but it get extremely frustrating when the whole family seems completely incapable of expressing their feelings in any fashion, to the point of getting angry if anyone threatens their
Sometimes, I wish I could join them all in their little fantasy world, where my wife and I have 3 or 4 beautiful children who have never been subjected to divorce, before. I am almost to the point of writing out all the details to this little fantasy world, including names and memories.

 

[A_Thinker]

Hi, everyone. I need help. I got married 1 year ago to a single mother of four. Only the youngest two, both girls, live with us, thank God, because the older two hate my guts, and thier mother's

The father is... I don't like him at all.

The mother and I have a great deal of baggage, both. For the first year together, we argued alot. The girls would get horrified (having never seen a man get angry) (thier bio dad is an emotionless sissy who worships the ground his current girlfriend of 10 years, walks on).

We began seeing a counceler, and things got better, but now, the guy wants to try to win complete custody of the girls. (after my wife raised them all by herself for the last 10 years)

The girls, 12 and 14, have begun being extremely disrespectful to me and thier mother. The worst part is, they treat the step-mom better than thier real mom. They seem to live in this little fantasy world where she is the queen and thier dad is the prince, and I'm not supposed to say anything about it.

I also feel like they are being used to spy on us, based on what his lawyer has been asking. We can't even talk to the kids themselves about this, as they won't talk about their dad or 'nanny' (not calling her stepmom, because she isn't married to their dad). Their mother, my wife, says they talk to HER about them, so maybe it's just me. Whenever I see her ask them about those two, the girls just clam up.

They grow far more disrepectiveful every time they are with him, and it is even worse if their older siblings are there.
Naturely, much of a stepchild's attitude towards their steppartent comes from the attitude they see their real parents showing them. They see their father falling at their nanny's feet, so they do; they see their mother constantly being direspectful and rebelious to me, so they are.
I want to love them, I really do, but it get extremely frustrating when the whole family seems completely incapable of expressing their feelings in any fashion, to the point of getting angry if anyone threatens their
Sometimes, I wish I could join them all in their little fantasy world, where my wife and I have 3 or 4 beautiful children who have never been subjected to divorce, before. I am almost to the point of writing out all the details to this little fantasy world, including names and memories.

You took on a real challenge. I married a woman with (2) teenage sons. I would suggest that there is not a lot YOU can do to affect this situation, ... other than being supportive to their mother and being accepting of her children.

The girls' parents have, at least, a decade's advantage on you on establishing a relationship with the kids, ... and it will still take that kind of time before the kids establish a relationship with you, if they ever do.

Children of divorce are typically angry, ... and though you are not the cause for the anger, ... you are the SAFEST target for their anger. They may tend to attach MORE to their father's girlfriend because they are all women, ... and you haven't functioned in the place of their father through enough experiences for them to have established trust in you.

I would advise a lot of prayer and patience, plus continuing counseling. As time goes on, things should mellow, but, as you say, this is a lot og baggage to sort through. Keep your chin up and roll up your sleeves ...

P.S. Their father really has no grounds, unless you're leaving out part of the story, ... for full custody, although the court may take into account that the girls want to live with their father, ... if they even want that.

 

[Hidden In Him]

They may tend to attach MORE to their father's girlfriend because they are all women, ... and you haven't functioned in the place of their father

This sounds about right. If the natural father is not the authoritarian type, with the two daughters coming of age, you now trying to step in and be authoritarian won't work. You're a little too late to the party to take on a role more natural to your personality, so you'd better accept it.

I'd assume a different posture, one of trying to be as kind as possible, albeit while honestly expressing to them that I would have raised them differently. If they won't love you and respect you after you do that, then shame on them. You tried your best to be the best father you could under the circumstances, even to the point of sacrificing yourself and the person you are for their sake. In time they will feel the shame of rejecting you when you did nothing wrong.

But until you can do these things, you will be overstepping your proper boundaries in their eyes, and probably rightly so. Only if you earn their love will you command their respect, and only if you command their respect will they honor any authority you have over their lives to act better.

 

[Tolworth John]

Only two suggestions.
Talk to your wife, their mother about it and about attitudes and discipline. You need to both have the same standards.
2. Let them know when there behaviour is unacceptable, try a traffic light system. Green acceptable, amber being rude, and Red go to your room time. When things have calmed down ask them about that tantrum/shouting match, is it a good way to handle emotions/problems, how does it make them feel, their mother feel and you feel.

As has been said they are angry and you are a safe target. If you can get them to talk about their feelings that caused a row it will slowly help.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Hi, everyone. I need help. I got married 1 year ago to a single mother of four. Only the youngest two, both girls, live with us, thank God, because the older two hate my guts, and thier mother's

The father is... I don't like him at all.

The mother and I have a great deal of baggage, both. For the first year together, we argued alot. The girls would get horrified (having never seen a man get angry) (thier bio dad is an emotionless sissy who worships the ground his current girlfriend of 10 years, walks on).

I'm not known for being emotional in relationships...to the point where I believe it's been something of an issue for loved ones.

I'm sorry, but I'm curious about the kind of person who feels that it's appropriate to "get angry" and "fight" with their spouse to the point where children are "horrified".

Is that how you really think?

We began seeing a counceler, and things got better, but now, the guy wants to try to win complete custody of the girls. (after my wife raised them all by herself for the last 10 years)

What's his basis for this? I don't even see how that's possible unless they're in danger or neglect.

The girls, 12 and 14, have begun being extremely disrespectful to me and thier mother. The worst part is, they treat the step-mom better than thier real mom. They seem to live in this little fantasy world where she is the queen and thier dad is the prince, and I'm not supposed to say anything about it.

I also feel like they are being used to spy on us, based on what his lawyer has been asking. We can't even talk to the kids themselves about this, as they won't talk about their dad or 'nanny' (not calling her stepmom, because she isn't married to their dad). Their mother, my wife, says they talk to HER about them, so maybe it's just me. Whenever I see her ask them about those two, the girls just clam up.

They grow far more disrepectiveful every time they are with him, and it is even worse if their older siblings are there.
Naturely, much of a stepchild's attitude towards their steppartent comes from the attitude they see their real parents showing them. They see their father falling at their nanny's feet, so they do; they see their mother constantly being direspectful and rebelious to me, so they are.
I want to love them, I really do, but it get extremely frustrating when the whole family seems completely incapable of expressing their feelings in any fashion, to the point of getting angry if anyone threatens their
Sometimes, I wish I could join them all in their little fantasy world, where my wife and I have 3 or 4 beautiful children who have never been subjected to divorce, before. I am almost to the point of writing out all the details to this little fantasy world, including names and memories.

You've stuck this out for 10 years now? In 4 and 6 years...you and their mother won't have any say if they decide to live with their natural father. I think you should take comfort in the fact that it's quite possible...maybe even likely...that once they're there full time, any illusions of the perfect home they imagine it to be will die.

 

[akmom]

To be frank, you sound a little unstable. Unfortunately that wouldn't be a trait you could perceive in yourself. Every one thinks they're fine and others are the problem.

If you were fighting and getting angry to the point that they were horrified, then you have anger problems. If their father doesn't, then that means he is calm and collected and in control of his behavior... not that he is an "emotionless sissy." Instead of hating him for it, work on yourself.

Maybe they aren't living in a "little fantasy world," but are actually happy. If the couple loves each other and the kids, and everyone is treated well, it sounds like they've mastered being a blended family. Why don't you just leave them alone? They're not your kids anyway.

 

[JAM2b]

You shouldn't say anything about their dad or his girlfriend. You also should not reveal names, or give too many details-especially if you mention names.

I'm in a situation where my ex-husband and his wife are terrible parents. One of my kids idolizes him, and the other can barely stand him. I make it a point to not say anything negative. If you do it will almost always backfire on you. Just don't.

What you can do is set boundaries for your own home. Respect from kids, especially kids with broken and blended families with ongoing dysfunction, is rare. It's not their fault. ...it is not their fault... They are thrust into a situation they did not cause or ask for. It is difficult to gain their respect and trust. You need to be the stable, reliable, level-headed adult here. You can't demand or expect their respect. You can gives rules and enforce them regarding their behaviors, with your wife backing you, or you backing your wife. If you are truly loving toward them and behave in an impeccable manner, they will eventually come around. They will see the truth.

Seek individual counseling for yourself, for your marriage, and for all of you as a family. It's important if you want to make this work.