Has anyone been in this type of situation?

[Anwen]

I am sad and frustrated. My oldest daughter (46) made plans to come and see me today, along with her husband, and my granddaughter and grandson. Then..... this morning, she said she overslept and her children were also asleep, so, could they wait and come to visit next Saturday. This type of thing has happened several times and I have come to expect it now. I have not seen these grandchildren (18 & 15) in 2 years. Same with my son in law. I have seen my daughter once this year, when she brought her car to this city to have it serviced. (She lives an hour away) I have come to accept not seeing them much as the children are in all kinds of activities and my daughter and son in law work full time jobs, so all that is the excuse. I have even tried to invite myself over to see them at their house but something always comes up, even if plans have been made. So I have given up on doing that as well. I have expressed my feelings about all of this gently and with kindness, but nothing changes.
I always have made sure that I send birthday cards and money to each one of them, but rarely get a thank you. Sometimes my daughter has done the thanking. This year I mailed a Christmas card and a check to each one of them, as their gifts, as I did not expect to see them, as usual. As time has gone on, my daughter has stopped getting me birthday gifts and Mothers Day gifts although she used to. Sometimes she would save them up and give to me at one time. But it has all stopped now. Last year before Christmas, she said she wanted to come to see me but she never did. I received an email from her (out of the blue) for an Amazon gift card for my Christmas gift. I just feel like I don't matter to her.
I pray for my daughter and her family daily.
I wonder if she will show up this Saturday.....

 

[TerryWoodenpic]

My son is the same.. he constantly dissappointed my late wife, with broken promises.
I never believed them, so was less hurt.
I see him and his new wife every few years, I never have any expectations and make no plans. I can nnot remember when I last saw his boys.
My daughter comes over about twice a week, and we sometimes meet in church on a thursday, where she has a number of voluntary duties.
Most family connections are by Christmas card now....sad but probably inevitable.
It seems as you get older, your life narrows down, most of what remains, is down to your own efforts......

 

[RC1970]

I am sad and frustrated. My oldest daughter (46) made plans to come and see me today, along with her husband, and my granddaughter and grandson. Then..... this morning, she said she overslept and her children were also asleep, so, could they wait and come to visit next Saturday. This type of thing has happened several times and I have come to expect it now. I have not seen these grandchildren (18 & 15) in 2 years. Same with my son in law. I have seen my daughter once this year, when she brought her car to this city to have it serviced. (She lives an hour away) I have come to accept not seeing them much as the children are in all kinds of activities and my daughter and son in law work full time jobs, so all that is the excuse. I have even tried to invite myself over to see them at their house but something always comes up, even if plans have been made. So I have given up on doing that as well. I have expressed my feelings about all of this gently and with kindness, but nothing changes.
I always have made sure that I send birthday cards and money to each one of them, but rarely get a thank you. Sometimes my daughter has done the thanking. This year I mailed a Christmas card and a check to each one of them, as their gifts, as I did not expect to see them, as usual. As time has gone on, my daughter has stopped getting me birthday gifts and Mothers Day gifts although she used to. Sometimes she would save them up and give to me at one time. But it has all stopped now. Last year before Christmas, she said she wanted to come to see me but she never did. I received an email from her (out of the blue) for an Amazon gift card for my Christmas gift. I just feel like I don't matter to her.
I pray for my daughter and her family daily.
I wonder if she will show up this Saturday.....

Unfortunately, I think this is quite common. Adult children not visiting their parents. I have a sister who rarely visits our mother. She doesn't call or email. She doesn't really offer any reason for it either.

 

[Kenny'sID]

And that's about all that can be said "unfortunately" that's the way it is, at least with some people. It's not good at all...there is no excuse for going that long...breaking promises, and playing with a persons emotions like that..and with someone to whom they are very dear too. There is more at stake here than "what we want".

Honer thy father and thy mother shouldn't stop once the kids get what they need. All considered, it's actually pretty outrageous to do that to someone, and I could say more but for the sake of the OP...I won't.

All you can do is pray that they will see the light, and maybe one day wake up.

I'm sorry...I know that's not how you expected it to be.

 

[ValleyGal]

It may not be what you want to hear, but you could try a little trickery. Let them know you would love to give them their Christmas and/or birthday cheques, but they must come to you and stay for at least an hour to pick the cheque up. An hour of travel each way and an hour of visiting = 3 hours out of their lives, and if the cheque is not worth that to them, then they really don't need it that badly. As well, if you are able to travel, I'd just show up at their home some day and let them know you were in the neighbourhood and just simply could not come all that way (hear the sarcasm?) without spending time with them before heading back home.

Did you ever see the drastic measures of the elderly fellow who did what he had to do, to get his children to come home for Christmas? You might need to get this drastic! Here it is

 

[Kit Sigmon]

It's usually the price of carrying a heavy debt load and working lots...your grown children have families and they are stressed, probably have maxed out credit cards and maxed out lives....what free time they do have is used for rest and making time for their own children.
Far too many are caught up in having it all...careers, nice house, nice cars, latest tech devices, latest fashions etc.

We plan around all that...if we want to see them we just go see them, no heads up notice.
Our oldest son and his family live "near" us, they are more than two hours away, so our trips always include other things to do in case they aren't home, too tired or whatever.
We keep visits short, if they want more time with us, they will have to indicate that.
As for seeing the grandchildren, we got copies of their game schedules and if they are playing not too far away we go to their games, cheer them on and chat a bit
with them after their game is over or take them out eat if there's time.

Our oldest son and his wife both work and their debt load is scary...and they have three children who are involved in expensive activities.

 

[Tolworth John]

Then..... this morning, she said she overslept and her children were also asleep, so, could they wait and come to visit next Saturday.

I am sorry that your children don't value you enough to make the effort to visit.

May I suggest that when you get excuses like the above you reply no I have arrangements for next week you can come today.

As mentioned above don't send any cheques or presents, just send a card with the added note the cheque is waiting for them.

If you have been invited over, once arrangements have been made turn your phone off and turn up on the day at the due time.

 

[lastofall]

[for me anyway] this unfortunately is common behavior that many are distracted from "caring-full" to "caring-less" by self and selfishness, which is what this world's system is designed for, so it makes loving your neighbor as mere relative matter.

 

[Anwen]

It may not be what you want to hear, but you could try a little trickery. Let them know you would love to give them their Christmas and/or birthday cheques, but they must come to you and stay for at least an hour to pick the cheque up. An hour of travel each way and an hour of visiting = 3 hours out of their lives, and if the cheque is not worth that to them, then they really don't need it that badly. As well, if you are able to travel, I'd just show up at their home some day and let them know you were in the neighbourhood and just simply could not come all that way (hear the sarcasm?) without spending time with them before heading back home.

Did you ever see the drastic measures of the elderly fellow who did what he had to do, to get his children to come home for Christmas? You might need to get this drastic! Here it is

Thank you for your response and I loved the video! Yes I could try going to see them without letting them know I was coming, but in truth, they would be the only reason I would travel to the town where they live. I think I may just start doing what you suggested. From now on. Tell them to come to me to get their gifts. I actually did that in 2017 because they didn't come to see me or allow me to come see them for Christmas of 2016! My daughter had come over to a large city very near me to get her car serviced in May of 2017, so stopped by my house afterwards. That was my once a year visit with her. And it was then that I gave her their Christmas gifts. I did not get a thank you at all from my son in law or my grandchildren.
And she actually told me in a text when she flaked out on me for New Year's Eve, that she didn't want to "shortchange" our visit by only staying a couple of hours here with me! Would have been fine better than nothing, but I guess not worth it to her or another excuse.
I feel I must accept and not dwell on these things and just carry on the best way I can, with God's help.

 

[Anwen]

It's usually the price of carrying a heavy debt load and working lots...your grown children have families and they are stressed, probably have maxed out credit cards and maxed out lives....what free time they do have is used for rest and making time for their own children.
Far too many are caught up in having it all...careers, nice house, nice cars, latest tech devices, latest fashions etc.

We plan around all that...if we want to see them we just go see them, no heads up notice.
Our oldest son and his family live "near" us, they are more than two hours away, so our trips always include other things to do in case they aren't home, too tired or whatever.
We keep visits short, if they want more time with us, they will have to indicate that.
As for seeing the grandchildren, we got copies of their game schedules and if they are playing not too far away we go to their games, cheer them on and chat a bit
with them after their game is over or take them out eat if there's time.

Our oldest son and his wife both work and their debt load is scary...and they have three children who are involved in expensive activities.

 

[Anwen]

Thank you for taking the time to respond and for your good advice!

 

[Anwen]

I appreciate you all, brothers and sisters in Christ, and thank you for your understanding

 

[LoricaLady]

This is a toughie. I don't know if the unkindness is due to selfishness and insensitivity or to some kind of anger and resentment/s from the past. I'm guessing it would be the latter, but again I don't know. Maybe you are as innocent as the driven snow, but if there is any area where you think you need to apologize - with no excuses - I would do that, probably in an email. Let her vent, if need be.

The children are getting older and will soon be able, presumably, to make their own choices.

I just don't have enough background info on this, but I will pray that all works out well.

 

[Anwen]

This is a toughie. I don't know if the unkindness is due to selfishness and insensitivity or to some kind of anger and resentment/s from the past. I'm guessing it would be the latter, but again I don't know. Maybe you are as innocent as the driven snow, but if there is any area where you think you need to apologize - with no excuses - I would do that, probably in an email. Let her vent, if need be.

The children are getting older and will soon be able, presumably, to make their own choices.

I just don't have enough background info on this, but I will pray that all works out well.

Thank you for your prayers. It is a long story.....