Grown up topics with a 17 year old

[WolfGate]

Yeah, I'm imitating EZoolander's post title (the sincerest form of flattery), but the content is decidedly less lighthearted.

Our daughter is starting her senior year in high school. So I've got one more year before she heads off to college - which is likely to be in Florida. (We live in NC). Even if she stays in state, she will still be 2 hours away. She is a follower of Christ, has never been rebellious, is accomplishment focused, competitive, and organized. At this point her 5 remaining schools are all academically good fits for her physical therapy pre-doctoral degree plan, so the final decision on where she attends will come down to which school has the varsity swimming program that best fits her.

When we went to visit one college in Florida and were talking about her goals for the visit, it hit home that I was having a conversation with another adult. A young one for sure, and always my daughter, but the conversation was more like being a mentor from my end. She is, in almost every way, ready to go out on her own.

So, we've got one year left to have conversations with her that will help her be prepared for the new things she will encounter on her own. Beyond the obvious topics about safety in social situations and with boys and with finding friends as focused on academics and faith as she is, I want to make sure we cover the topics that will help her the most.

Particularly for those of you who have sent children out of the home, what topics are you glad you covered and which ones do you wish you had after watching them on their own for a while? Those of you who remember being sent well by your parents, i'd love your thoughts as well.

 

[Mudinyeri]

We only have one child. He is sixteen. Most adults who meet him comment on how mature he is. That isn't surprising for an only child, I guess. However, there are topics that bear addressing or repeating.

1. You mentioned safety. I would go a step further and suggest situational awareness and personal defense. Discuss this topic. Feel free to PM me if you would like some talking points. Get her some good training.

2. Alcohol and drugs. Your daughter may become a very different person when she leaves the nest. Have a frank and forthright conversation about the ramifications for abusing alcohol and using illegal drugs. Talk about the consequences that she will experience from you and from the law. She needs to be equipped to make good risk/reward decisions on her own.

3. Talk about taking risks. Talk about making good risk/reward decisions as a whole - not just alcohol and drugs. I see a lot of kids whose parents have not equipped them with these critical thinking tools.

4. Talk about truth and how to find it. Your daughter will be exposed to any number of philosophies that differ from yours. Equip her to logically look for truth and ferret out lies.

 

[All4Christ]

This is coming from the perspective of a college graduate, rather than from a parent's perspective.

I know you mentioned boys, but I had a particular experience where I was in an abusive relationship. I'm not sure how you would approach this, but I personally hid this from everyone for years. I felt like I couldn't go to counseling without feeling ashamed about it, and didn't feel like I could admit that I wasn't able to handle it on my own. Soon, I felt like I deserved it, etc. etc. I wish that I had viewed counseling and seeking help as a more legitimate option.

Point being, it is important to realize that seeking help is a good thing and not something to be ashamed of. We need to have self-confidence on our own, yet be willing to use our network of friends, family, and resources available through college.

I'm not sure if this helps, but it is one topic I wish I had discussed (somehow) before leaving for college.

 

[WolfGate]

Thank you Mudinyeri. The whole risk/reward decision making is a good one for sure and I'll add it to the list. Also your 4th point.

All4Christ. Thank you as well. That is a great topic to cover about seeking help and not being ashamed if you need it. Not sure I would have put that on my list for this year without it being specifically pointed out to me.

 

[Farine]

Yeah, I'm imitating EZoolander's post title (the sincerest form of flattery), but the content is decidedly less lighthearted.

Our daughter is starting her senior year in high school.

Our daughter is 17 as well. And she's making great choices in many areas of her life, much like yours.

I love what Mudinyeri remarked upon. Yes, Yes and Yes.
I've taught my Daughter that counseling is important and she had counseling when we had a traumatic event happen in our family. I'd agree with All4Christ on her point as well.

Does she wake up on her own? Do her own laundry? What about skills like sewing on a button, or ironing a shirt?
Albert Einstein said "When in hell, keep on going!" As far as I can tell Adolescence could be compared to hell. THere's no reason to linger in that phase any longer to get these objectives complete:
**What skills, talents, appitudes, passions do I have?
**How am I different from my parents (establish identity and personal boundaries)?
**WHat do I believe?

As far as I can tell, those are the main goals of adolescence. As soon as those get checked off by the young person, the better.

I used to live two blocks from a University growing up. I saw a lot of freshmen who had the grades to be accepted fail to survive the test of discipline and maturity which is their first year apart from home and its structure.
http://colleges.usnews.rankingsandr...niversities/freshmen-least-most-likely-return

What I saw during those years was that most students did not have enough practice being adult before they showed up in their dorms as freshmen. I also saw that most students did not have a CLUE what a coping skill was. In fact, I'll make that my official request. Please teach her coping skills to deal with stress. The amount of stress that is heaped on college students is massive. They need tools. Give her permission to take a semester off if she needs it as well. Burn out is real.

 

[Farine]

This is coming from the perspective of a college graduate, rather than from a parent's perspective. I know you mentioned boys, but I had a particular experience where I was in an abusive relationship. ....

((((Safe hugs, if ok)))

I'm so sorry you had that experience. I had mine over twenty years ago. Jesus really did heal me emotionally and mentally and set me free to live that abundant life He mentioned. You can PM me if you like if you want to talk.

 

[WolfGate]

Farine - thank you. We have tried really hard with both our kids to help them learn to deal with issues on their own. If our daughter has had an issue with a teacher, coach or teammate then she is the one who approached them to resolve it. She does get herself up and out the door for practice, work and anything else. I don't even know her work or practice schedule. (She does tell us where she is going before she leaves and we do have a phone tracking app.) I would like to think she is ready in that area when she goes out, but we'll find out I guess. Now, sewing buttons, etc. Needs some work there!

 

[Mudinyeri]

Does she wake up on her own? Do her own laundry? What about skills like sewing on a button, or ironing a shirt?

All good stuff. Can she change a tire? Can she take care of a car, e.g. spot early warning signs of problems? Do you have AAA or similar roadside/towing insurance?

 

[All4Christ]

((((Safe hugs, if ok)))

I'm so sorry you had that experience. I had mine over twenty years ago. Jesus really did heal me emotionally and mentally and set me free to live that abundant life He mentioned. You can PM me if you like if you want to talk.

Thank you - I probably will do that today or tomorrow.

Through God's healing, I made it through and found my husband today, who cherishes me. Thank God for His faithfulness! Abusive relationships of all kinds can do a number of a person's self-confidence though It takes a lot of work afterwards (and support) to get past it.

 

[DZoolander]

I'm nowhere near that stage - but I'm a planner. I've given a lot of thought to what I want my children to know - and what approach would be the most beneficial...and I'm still working on it.

A rough draft of what I intend to tell my daughter and son is something like...

I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to live your life. This is your journey. My job as a parent, in my view, has always been to try and impart some pearls of knowledge that I've come about through the years and through my own successes and mistakes. My hope is to simply give you a set of perspectives which I believe to be true, to help you through that journey.

To that end - the most important thing to realize is that...time is not what or how you think.

You are going away and starting college, but you also are only 6 years removed from elementary school. You have had meaningful friendships, but the most meaningful are yet to come. You're saying goodbye to people that have meant so much to you - but you also soon will be forming new friendships and relationships with people that will mean even more.

That is how life is. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is forever. Your friends, your relationships, heck, even us. Nothing endures. The only thing you will always have is you...and while that may sound scary...in fact it's beautiful.

You will come across people that love you. You will come across people that want to use you. You will come across people that like you, and you will come across people that don't. Some people may even hate you. But in the end, you are what matters...and make your decisions in a manner that helps you...and you alone. Be a good person, but never abandon yourself for someone else. Never sell yourself short for the affection of another. If they make you feel like you need to in order to obtain their love and/or approval, they're not worthy of it.

You will have crushes, you will have loves, but focus only on the ones that actually benefit you. People say that love requires effort. That's true. But love should not be effort. The effort should be in overcoming hurdles as they come together. Maintaining the love ought not be the hurdle. If it is - move on. Move on for you.

There is no rush - and in many ways time is your friend. Six months may feel like an eternity to you right now - but when you're 40 looking back at this time - those six months will be meaningless. Too many people make bad decisions because they think if they don't get something done now, or get sidetracked, that they've made mistakes or are a failure. Make mistakes. Mistakes don't mean failure. Mistakes are the honing process of life. If you spend 2 years studying to be an accountant only to discover that you loathe ledger sheets more than burning in a fire, change your direction. It's far better to be a 40 year old in a career that you love who graduated in an extra year than a 40 year old loathing his position.

Enjoy your time, do what you need to do, for you. Don't worry about concepts like maturity. Screw maturity. Maturity is highly over-rated - and once you've finally achieved it - that word has long since left your vernacular. Have fun with your friends, keep things light...serious times will come and once they do...they're there to stay.

...and if you ever need anything...anything at all...call me.

 

[All4Christ]

I'm nowhere near that stage - but I'm a planner. I've given a lot of thought to what I want my children to know - and what approach would be the most beneficial...and I'm still working on it.

A rough draft of what I intend to tell my daughter and son is something like...

I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to live your life. This is your journey. My job as a parent, in my view, has always been to try and impart some pearls of knowledge that I've come about through the years and through my own successes and mistakes. My hope is to simply give you a set of perspectives which I believe to be true, to help you through that journey.

To that end - the most important thing to realize is that...time is not what or how you think.

You are going away and starting college, but you also are only 6 years removed from elementary school. You have had meaningful friendships, but the most meaningful are yet to come. You're saying goodbye to people that have meant so much to you - but you also soon will be forming new friendships and relationships with people that will mean even more.

That is how life is. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is forever. Your friends, your relationships, heck, even us. Nothing endures. The only thing you will always have is you...and while that may sound scary...in fact it's beautiful.

You will come across people that love you. You will come across people that want to use you. You will come across people that like you, and you will come across people that don't. Some people may even hate you. But in the end, you are what matters...and make your decisions in a manner that helps you...and you alone. Be a good person, but never abandon yourself for someone else. Never sell yourself short for the affection of another. If they make you feel like you need to in order to obtain their love and/or approval, they're not worthy of it.

You will have crushes, you will have loves, but focus only on the ones that actually benefit you. People say that love requires effort. That's true. But love should not be effort. The effort should be in overcoming hurdles as they come together. Maintaining the love ought not be the hurdle. If it is - move on. Move on for you.

There is no rush - and in many ways time is your friend. Six months may feel like an eternity to you right now - but when you're 40 looking back at this time - those six months will be meaningless. Too many people make bad decisions because they think if they don't get something done now, or get sidetracked, that they've made mistakes or are a failure. Make mistakes. Mistakes don't mean failure. Mistakes are the honing process of life. If you spend 2 years studying to be an accountant only to discover that you loathe ledger sheets more than burning in a fire, change your direction. It's far better to be a 40 year old in a career that you love who graduated in an extra year than a 40 year old loathing his position.

Enjoy your time, do what you need to do, for you. Don't worry about concepts like maturity. Screw maturity. Maturity is highly over-rated - and once you've finally achieved it - that word has long since left your vernacular. Have fun with your friends, keep things light...serious times will come and once they do...they're there to stay.

...and if you ever need anything...anything at all...call me.

I think that'd also be a great letter to give to your kids for them to take with them in their suitcase. [emoji846]

 

[akmom]

My parents and I initially disagreed on where I would go to college and what I would study, so I ended up working with our high school counselor and a friend's parents to get everything in order to apply and register as a freshman. My high school teachers were pretty helpful too. Once I had everything squared away, my parents finally accepted it and made the long drive with me to campus for the first time. I didn't have a car, so my dad helped me scope out everything in walking distance that I would need. Most of those needs could be met on campus, of course, but he showed me around past that anyway. I remember one thing in particular. He showed me a tobacco shop in walking distance and said, "Well I hope you don't decide to start smoking, but if you do, that's probably the closest place to stock up." I just found it hilarious. Of all the things to help me prepare to embark on my own... he goes out of his way to show me that?? He was a character. I never did take up smoking, but I did visit some of the other attractions we spotted when the loneliness of a new start really kicked in.

 

[Farine]

My parents and I initially disagreed on where I would go to college and what I would study, so I ended up working with our high school counselor and a friend's parents to get everything in order to apply and register as a freshman. My high school teachers were pretty helpful too. Once I had everything squared away, my parents finally accepted it and made the long drive with me to campus for the first time. I didn't have a car, so my dad helped me scope out everything in walking distance that I would need. Most of those needs could be met on campus, of course, but he showed me around past that anyway. I remember one thing in particular. He showed me a tobacco shop in walking distance and said, "Well I hope you don't decide to start smoking, but if you do, that's probably the closest place to stock up." I just found it hilarious. Of all the things to help me prepare to embark on my own... he goes out of his way to show me that?? He was a character. I never did take up smoking, but I did visit some of the other attractions we spotted when the loneliness of a new start really kicked in.

LOVE IT! This put a smile on my face. Thanks for adding to the wisdom here.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Good deals and bad deals. When my oldest were younger I would try to make deals with them that would rip them off. Sometimes they were iffy deals that they could come out ahead on. One time I offered a box full of change for 30 dollars and the kid got around a hundred dollars in change. Fast forward to her in Air Force boot camp and they handed out papers for all of the recruits to sign that would change them from the post 911 GI Bill to the Montgomery GI bill. My daughter read the fine print and said, 'They will pay less with the new deal. Do we have to sign it?' They said no and her and one girl didn't sign it and got the better deal.

 

[Farine]

This thread is becoming AmAziNg!!! Thank you Autumnleaf! My 17 year and 15 year old will end up thanking you as well (they don't know this going to come yet).

 

[ex-pat]

FINANCES!!! The first thing that will happen on campus is someone will want to sign her up for a credit card. Most kids have no idea whatsoever how credit will impact their lives, and how it's seven years to remove a late mark, and how one or two days late counts as a 30 day mark with credit cards. Most kids think that if they were late and pay the late fee and get caught up, it counts as having good credit. Not so. Most kids don't realize that having a credit card and maxing it out, even if it's paid every month in full causes bad credit. If you are not able to explain to your daughter about saving and paying herself first and budgeting, then go to your bank and sit her down with a financial planner and set some goals and teach her about debt, and interest, and savings. (Most kids also don't realize that saving $200/month will net them nearly $184,000 in 40 years at the currently lousy 3%, but saving $50/week will get them nearly 15,000 more in the same period). Have someone teach her these things so she is less likely to spend lots of money on late night pizza!

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I have no kids yet but I'll be honest here. When I was 17 my parents thought I was a great child. As most parents do. And despite all their talks, warnings...etc it didn't mean much because once placed in a situation where they are not around surrounded by the world..... things can happen in an instant. I never did drugs or drank of course. But I did have sex (well in my 20s). And I did start to pick up bad habits like swearing, sexual comments and what not. I also started watching movies I know my parents wouldn't approve of. Basically I did alot.

While that may sound scary, the good news is the verse is not wrong about raise a child up in the way they should go and they shall not depart...etc. Because even with the things I did I still clung to God and eventually got out of alot of the bad things I did. So my parents did do a great job. Granted there are a few who slip threw the cracks once they are in the real world. But odds are she will do fine. Hopefully she understands MANY guys (at least non-christian ones....mostly) will say or do anything though just to take advantage of her.

 

[evoeth]

1) Finances (well spotted ex-pat). How to set up a budget and measure monthly cashflow. How to calculate net worth. How to trim a budget (biggest expenses down). How to think of monthly cashflows as affecting net worth: eg $8 a month on netflix is $96/year or $960/decade

2) Relationships. How to identify healthy relationships. Mutual support and interest. How to identify bad relationships. Controlling behavior. Emotional blackmail. etc.

3) Goal setting and breaking goals down into achievable, measurable chunks.

 

[WolfGate]

expat and evoeth - thanks for the financial thoughts. I have started talking with her about money/budgeting and all the areas there are not covered by her education. Good points.